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Post by blueguy on Mar 22, 2021 9:26:57 GMT -5
Hello! I'm dealing with a resentment issue in my sexless marriage and just need to vent. My spouse noticed an ad for ball hammock underwear a while back and mentioned it to me. I thought I had mentioned that something like that really wasn't my thing at the time. Fast forward to now; she ordered a pair without me knowing and said she wanted me to try them on. I don't buy her underwear as she hates lingerie, and even though this isn't the same thing technically, I am not sure why she felt the need to buy something she knew I wasn't interested in. She never likes touching me down there or looking at me down there and it makes me feel really inadequate like that part of me isn't good enough for her. Why in the heck would she buy this underwear for me knowing I didn't want it?! She doesn't know I'm not happy about this. I honestly just like my simple boxer brief style underwear. I'm sure to her this is just a normal thing and not related to my anatomy, but to me this is a personal thing.
Am I being a jerk for thinking this? We've been in a sexless marriage most of our 19 years and have kids and it pains me to know that I will never have the sex life I want.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 22, 2021 9:31:48 GMT -5
You are not a jerk for thinking what you’re thinking. She doesn’t have sex with you. Your underwear is none of her business. Donate to goodwill or some other charity. Many poor people lack the funds to buy underwear. It also would be fine to tell your wife you are donating the underwear and why.
Btw what is ball underwear?
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Post by blueguy on Mar 22, 2021 9:49:08 GMT -5
You are not a jerk for thinking what you’re thinking. She doesn’t have sex with you. Your underwear is none of her business. Donate to goodwill or some other charity. Many poor people lack the funds to buy underwear. It also would be fine to tell your wife you are donating the underwear and why. Btw what is ball underwear? It has a pocket that the scrotum goes into that is supposed to cradle it and keep it from rubbing against the legs. I honestly don't see the point in it as most men's underwear does a good job of this already. Knowing her it's the "neat" factor about it. To me this would be like me ordering her a bra that does something different than other bras do. But to be honest me buying underwear for my spouse is an intimate gesture. She of course won't see it that way and would probably say it's no different than buying herself underwear.
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Post by Apocrypha on Mar 22, 2021 10:48:49 GMT -5
If you've been celibate that long, this strikes me as an unusual thing - that something in her life has suddenly changed and she is suddenly interested in the display of the male form.
It sounds like classic affair behavior, or maybe she's discovered some fetish online in which she found it attractive, and wants to explore it. If it was me when I was married, I'd have jumped at any chance to indulge her peccadillos. Some women are actually into nuts and enjoy the sight or feel of them.
It could also be that she is well aware of your discomfort with this and is choosing it specifically with the intent in mind that you will balk at it and decline what she has asked for - to even the score between you.
You might be well past it, but if it was me, I'd be too curious not to ask what her intent was if it's such a disconnection from your regular habit.
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Post by blueguy on Mar 22, 2021 11:26:00 GMT -5
Very doubtful she's having an affair as she never hides anything from me; both of us can access each other's phones.
She's never liked my parts before and has told me in the past she thinks the male anatomy is ugly, which is why she doesn't like looking at it, touching it, or especially having her face near it, even if it's clean from me taking a shower. I know she's straight as she finds males attractive and does tell me she finds me attractive. I know she fits the asexual spectrum to a T. She does have body image issues. In the past I've tried to get her to wear lingerie and she doesn't like it because as she has told me, it's only on for a little bit so why go to the trouble.
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Post by blueguy on Mar 22, 2021 18:34:16 GMT -5
Well that blew up nicely. She got mad at me because I didn't have them on, and apparently I totally misread this. She didn't get them because she's interested in my manhood; she just thought I would like it because of what she read on it. I ended up being the jerk because I didn't want to even try them on. I did ended up doing so after arguing with her, and the way it cradles the scrotum sort of turns me on because it feels like someone is holding them. I am that sex starved. . When we were "discussing" it beforehand, she told me that not everything has to be sexual and that she was just trying to be nice by buying me underwear and that she will never do this again. Her idea of sex is starfish position and hurry up and get it over with. I just want intimate attention and to be desired and wanted in that way!!
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Post by jerri on Mar 22, 2021 23:16:14 GMT -5
Even though SM is only a small percentage of a R. If you are not getting sex/intimacy it is a huge ball and chain, it consumed many of my thoughts.
If I may, and this will not be a fit in SM's or your case. I am writing this for others.
Philanderers are taught to hide anything in plain sight. I hung out for years in a philanderer's forum and I support <ahem> "cheating" as my H would and others would call it.
I have an excuse for everything and all of us are taught to DENY, deny, DeNy even when the evidence is right in front of us. I don't have to deny, I am in an open M. if nothing else, (they know we are lying and I told my H I would be lying to him) We are taught to "DENY" to show we still care to stay in the R. One man pleaded sex addiction and got away with it and went to therapy. (There are so many models to follow- I am in a DADT-don't ask don't tell- gently forced, open, monogamous, marriage. My H was filled in on all the details, he chose to not want to know what or when I was out with my boyfriend and I will only share intimate details of my sexual R with a husband who is my cheerleader and a cheerleader he is not, it hurts him and I won't rub it in his face. I don't look to tear down, I do anything I can to strengthen the M. At the same time I check in with him at least a couple of times a year to see if he still wants to be sexless-his response is mostly, I don't want to talk about it, I thought we had this settled years ago...I used to be very bold, I don't do that anymore, he used to get very upset and flip out, he was mean for several years, (Refusers don't want it but they don't want to lose their mate-so never ask permission for anything related to your own sex life) maybe not for you, but if anyone gets caught, tell your mate that I encouraged you to step out for sex.) I no longer cared if he left me, I wasn't going to leave him. I wasn't going to be the bad guy in my family or my friend's eyes. I don't want to leave, I love him dearly. Guess I got off on a tangent, hope it is useful for someone. I hope I am the sexual devil on someone's shoulder, someday, whispering DO IT, DO IT, go get some!!!!!
ETA: Every SM book that I have read expected us to be monogamous, but they turn around and say that, "monogamy is not realistic in a SM" WOW. The way I melted resentment was to get out of my H's bed and hop into a hotel room with a FWB. I waited over a decade in a sexless M because I wanted to remain loyal. Loyal to what? I was such a goober!! I programmed myself to be with another. It was hard at first, I was mad at my H but still didn't want to go without sex for the rest of my life.
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 23, 2021 6:27:36 GMT -5
... She got mad at me because I didn't have them on,...she told me that not everything has to be sexual and that she was just trying to be nice by buying me underwear and that she will never do this again... If she bought her brother a shirt and he didn't wear it for the next month, would she bullyrag him until he put it on? It's not a gift if you try to control what is done with it after you've given it away. She didn't give you underwear, she took possession of your body to make it look or feel the way she wanted it to. It wasn't an offer. It was a demand. You told the truth and she got butt-hurt and used your desire for peace to get you dressed in the way that suited her wishes. Do you know what society thinks of men that coerce their wives to dress the way they like? I seethe on your behalf.
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Post by blueguy on Mar 23, 2021 7:56:15 GMT -5
She tried telling me this morning that I've been in a weird mood the past few days. Gee I wonder why??
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Post by Handy on Mar 23, 2021 11:30:39 GMT -5
Blueguy, maybe your W knows you want something sexual, so instead of her giving it herself, she gave you what she thought might substitute for some skin to skin sexuality in a clothing article to partially make up what she isn't happening.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 23, 2021 12:46:03 GMT -5
blueguy: "She tried telling me this morning that I've been in a weird mood the past few days. Gee I wonder why??"
Tell her why. Tell her you aren't interested in getting underwear from a woman who isn't your sexual partner. It's too intimate a gift for someone whom you don't have that kind of intimacy with. Just walk away when she tries to argue back. There's nothing to argue about. Facts are facts.
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Post by blueguy on Mar 23, 2021 13:08:45 GMT -5
I want real skin on skin contact with my manhood from a woman. I just makes me sad.... I want a woman to want to look at me down there and like it, want to touch it, caress it, kiss it, want it, etc. Is that too much to ask?
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Post by jerri on Mar 23, 2021 16:43:17 GMT -5
I want real skin on skin contact with my manhood from a woman. I just makes me sad.... I want a woman to want to look at me down there and like it, want to touch it, caress it, kiss it, want it, etc. Is that too much to ask? I think everyone should be made to do live nude drawing in college. Both anatomies are absolutely gorgeous, yet women and men teach other that it is ugly, too small, too loose, and joke about smelly fish. Porn can also be tasteful. My H and my best friend sat and laughed during an episode of HBO's Real Sex (old show that I really loved that made any type of sex into an art or at least normalized any type of sexual acts and normal everyday people) I have a German colleague who says the USA is just way too haughty when it comes to sex. He's right. We really laugh and judge when we should be exploring sex. Are you going to find that woman who enjoys a beautiful c@ck? Maybe, maybe not. Since being sexless, I have become more obsessed with male anatomy and I can definitely pick out my guys sweet heat in a line-up. Maybe focus on someone who is happy to see you and maybe the rest will cum? I can stand nude in front of my H and he doesn't even look at me. He has his eyes locked on mine or looks away like there is shame in looking at a nude wife. I have done all kinds of things with FWB he let me read up then experiment on him. SO fun! BlueGuy don't let yourself swim in depression, make a promise that you will get some sooner or later. I ask the ILIASMers to not be held captive and wipe away the cobwebs on your genitals. In another forum one male hired a lady to lay and hug him. (She was a professional hugger with all sorts of rules) I thought that was the most creative.
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Post by saarinista on Mar 23, 2021 16:48:47 GMT -5
I want real skin on skin contact with my manhood from a woman. I just makes me sad.... I want a woman to want to look at me down there and like it, want to touch it, caress it, kiss it, want it, etc. Is that too much to ask? Apparently it IS too much to ask in the case of your marriage. Most folks on this forum have no luck reviving a sexless marriage. Just so you know.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 23, 2021 19:09:57 GMT -5
blueguy said: "She got mad at me because I didn't have them on,.."
Stop dressing in front of her. Time to move to a different bedroom or if that's not possible, change in the bathroom. Treat her like the mere roommate she is. You aren't lovers. She clearly has no plans to be sexually involved with you. Stop participating in the charade. No need to argue. Just let your actions reflect your marital situation.
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