Ex has no libido, new partner, how do I protect my children? Apr 11, 2021 21:37:49 GMT -5 jerri likes this
Post by whatnext on Apr 11, 2021 21:37:49 GMT -5
How do you explain sexual temptation and trying to protect your children from sexual abuse to someone who has no sexual desire?
I suppose it just confirms the problem. Ex has an extremely low libido - possibly none at all. It was a problem from the start and had all the usual arguments and refusal tactics played and when I had finally given up (which was just after she said nothing would change and she wasn't going to try anymore) and said we should get divorced it genuinely came as a shock to R (R for Refuse). It makes sense, it meant nothing to her so why would I want to leave just because it's missing from the relationship?
Looking at it from her point of view it would be like someone asking for a divorce because their partner didn't make the bed in the morning or some other trivial (to them) reason. I know she is not alone, in discussing the problem and why I was leaving with some males they just couldn't believe it - thought I had lost my mind. One told me he had never masturbated and got married at 35 and I was like "Oh, you would have been so perfect for R!"
I had given up trying to explain it in different ways and accepted it was possibly an impossible task anyway, and that time/effort was better focused on other things and would just have to accept that R would always blame me and think there is another secret reason. This was working well and the subject didn't surface again until... R got a new partner and naturally I am extremely concerned at the danger our 9 year old daughter is now in.
I have shown R links and stats on child sex abuse and how 1 in 3 girls experience it, how age 9 is the most at risk age and also how kids are 40 times more at risk when the mother gets a new partner - and that's for "normal" people add to this situation the fact I know how low her libido is and from viewing his Facebook profile he has a libido (lots of references to sex). He has already taken DD clothes shopping (without R being there) and while talking to DD on the phone I heard him come into her bedroom and say "What are you still doing awake little Missy, go to sleep". All this before R ever mentioned him, DS(11) broke the news when he told me R was looking at houses, getting married and they were going to all live together
Kids get things wrong all the time so I called R and asked what was going on and she said , "Oh yeah I've met someone 3 weeks ago and started a relationship" Yeah good Christians planning a wedding and living together after 3 weeks - he's got a libido and he wants sex now! I asked R if she had discussed the reasons I had given her for terminating the marriage and found out what his expectations of intimacy frequency are? she said she had and that his reply was "It wouldn't matter, I would still love you" - sounds like he has avoided the question. R gave me his email address and said I should email him directly so I did, I gave him the same sex abuse statistics and explained how low R's libido was and asked him if he found himself sexually frustrated how he was going to protect my DD - his answer avoiding response provided below:
"Let me just say, the inference that I would resort to taking any frustrations out on any children is quite vulgar & disgusting. I’m not sure if you faced any similar insinuations or questioning from XXXX’s former partner & father to their children prior to the both of you commencing any form of relationship, but you can rest assured that if, & when, R & I do progress to marriage, after which we would live together as XXXX, her boys & yourself are, your children would be just as safe as hers are with you."
Besides avoiding another direct question and getting triggered by a reasonable question about child protection his assurances just don't hold any water because the situation he is trying to say is equivalent is completely different XXXX's children are perfectly safe, XXXX has a higher libido than me, (sexual frustration is not a concern in my life anymore, I actually have to negotiate a day off for myself to recover from time to time haha now I'm the refuser!) and also they are boys (well young men now). I'm trying to convince myself his avoidance isn't a deception and he genuinely doesn't understand and he thinks I'm simply talking about physical abuse, but it just doesn't feel right.
So far I have told R that he is to stay out of the kids bedrooms, not be left alone with them and have no authority over them - all very reasonable requests IMHO, but with the extremely low libido she has, low stranger danger awareness and sense that I "ruined her life" R thinks I'm just trying to put restrictions on her or make trouble and so far has only committed to consider the requests but has already said she can not fully comply. Why R would want him to go into the children's bedrooms at night, be left alone with them and discipline them I can not understand.
The silly thing is that the "requests" I have made are actually as much for his protection as they are for my children, if one of them made any accusation it would be dealt with very quickly and there would be no repeat offending
So the question is has anyone else found a good way to explain to someone with no libido that the majority of people have one and it is reasonable that they would leave to find someone to meet that need without all the attitude of constant excuses, chore trading and having to earn the favor? Further that someone who experiences that constant rejection and frustration is likely to feel tempted especially when living closely with a young vulnerable unrelated girl.