|
|
Post by iamdarkblue1980 on Jun 7, 2021 20:13:18 GMT -5
Ok I’m new here and to forum in general. I started at the anxiety app in Tapatalk and then found this one. So I’ll keep short and sweet… i’m 40 years old and have been sexually active since I was 16. I’ve always enjoyed sex everything about it I have been married twice and now divorced twice as well my first marriage ended after I gave birth to my son and my husband stopped touching me because my body was not the same as it was before (c section) and my husband would tell me how disgusting I was and how he was repulsed by seeing me naked. Fast forward to three years after that no sex at all I finally had sex again with who was way hot and younger who I worked with and ended up getting pregnant on the pill. That didn’t work out fast forward to a few years later when I married a guy who I’ve known since I was 12 years old. I thought I finally found THE ONE and Our sex life was the most magical sex life I could ever imagine I never felt that I needed to hide anything he always knew exactly what to do and it was great until I found out about his opiate addiction and left him. Fast forward to now I stayed single for a while and would go back to him when I needed to get off because I didn’t wanna sleep around. And then I met my current boyfriend we’ve been together two years he’s 12 years younger. At the beginning of our relationship sex is awesome I taught him a few things and he had a very good stamina I guess you could call me a cougar in a way. He loves me dearly and he loves my children just the same and I moved out of Florida to the Midwest to start a life here with him because his son is here. Ever since we’ve been here the sex is stopped the intimacy is stopped he barely even kisses me still loves me still does everything I ask but the sexual part of
our relationship is gone and it’s driving me crazy so here I am on a forum talking to strangers about some thing I’ve never told anyone else.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 7, 2021 21:53:47 GMT -5
Welcome Sister iamdarkblue1980 . Reading extensively in here is usually not a bad idea to help you get a handle on what you're dealing with. And you'll see the manner in which people are trying to manage their respective situations. Where-ever you are in your process, someone here is going through the same thing or has been through the same thing, so it can be a valuable resource for you to plug in to. The membership are pretty inclusive and offer suggestions from their own experiences which you may find helpful. Welcome again. |
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Jun 8, 2021 5:33:20 GMT -5
... then I met my current boyfriend we’ve been together two years he’s 12 years younger. At the beginning of our relationship sex is awesome I taught him a few things and he had a very good stamina I guess you could call me a cougar in a way. He loves me dearly and he loves my children just the same and I moved out of Florida to the Midwest to start a life here with him because his son is here. Ever since we’ve been here the sex is stopped the intimacy is stopped he barely even kisses me still loves me still does everything I ask but the sexual part of our relationship is gone and it’s driving me crazy so here I am on a forum talking to strangers about some thing I’ve never told anyone else. "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk free?" Hey, wait. There is no milk. Are you still supposed to buy the cow? I'm not sure he's a "current boyfriend". Sure, he's a friend, and he's a boy.... but the portmanteau doesn't resonate. If you agree, maybe you can look for a boyfriend to supplement your happy home life with your fellow single parent friend/housemate (no word if you're cohabitating, a potentially invaluable cost saving measure that you could continue to enjoy for all its remaining benefits! Kind of like the "Choosing to Stay" category here at ILIASM, except it's not actually a M. [Great news!]) |
|
|
|
Post by jerri on Jun 9, 2021 1:27:41 GMT -5
The mistake I made was thinking I could find the one thing to turn on sex switch! I also didn't understand someone not liking sex!
I'm staying and outsourcing. It's hard to think about getting sex outside a marriage until that became my new normal!
|
|
|
|
Post by alwaysdenied on Jun 9, 2021 10:05:52 GMT -5
I assume you aren't married, but moved across the country for this guy?
My first thought is the guy is back at his home area and has found someone else to have sex with. Sure there are other hangups people have but usually those aren't just out of the blue sex stoppages. Kind of like your first husband who got turned off at the idea of having sex with his kid's mother. That is a real issue some people have. What you describe is outsourcing.
The good news is if you aren't married that you can also leave and renew your life easily. If you like sex and he's not giving you sex, then why stick around? Maybe he wants a mother to take care of him instead of a cougar. If that's the case then you SHOULD be offended and move on from him.
|
|
|
|
Post by iamdarkblue1980 on Jun 9, 2021 12:53:04 GMT -5
I assume you aren't married, but moved across the country for this guy? My first thought is the guy is back at his home area and has found someone else to have sex with. Sure there are other hangups people have but usually those aren't just out of the blue sex stoppages. Kind of like your first husband who got turned off at the idea of having sex with his kid's mother. That is a real issue some people have. What you describe is outsourcing. The good news is if you aren't married that you can also leave and renew your life easily. If you like sex and he's not giving you sex, then why stick around? Maybe he wants a mother to take care of him instead of a cougar. If that's the case then you SHOULD be offended and move on from him. I have often wondered if he only wanted me as a “mother” figure because I literally gave up my entire life in Florida quit my job, sold my house, sold my entire house contents and moved up to a town of 1200 people. BUT he is always at work or home he never does or wants to do anything without me or the kids so unless he’s banging one of the dudes he works with there is no one else. I think that something happened to him as a child and he’s not one to talk about things but the more I have learned being up here for a year is that he does not have a good relationship with his biological or adoptive mother and maybe he sees me as a “mother” figure now that we live together and are raising all 3 kids together? I really don’t know when I asked him about it he said he does not want “just sex” from me he wants more than that and is sex and making out is over rated. However before we moved up here and all of this we had a very good sex life. If I could pack up and leave I would but right now I don’t have the finances due to using the sale of my home to buy a home here. It’s just so frustrating. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 9, 2021 20:17:30 GMT -5
Well, you seem to have a idea at least Sister iamdarkblue1980 - "If I could pack and leave I would" - you say. The tricky bit is in turning the idea in to an executable plan. Your situation seems to have some parallels to Sister elynne . See how her name appears in blue ? If you click on that it will take you to her profile and access to every post she has made. Reading through her posts from the start might be useful, and she may even weigh in to your post with some helpful suggestions. |
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Jun 10, 2021 2:06:10 GMT -5
How could someone not want sex?
That baffles me, too, but just because we can't wrap our heads around it doesn't mean it's not real. It is. I fought that with my wife for 23 years, which is 22 years too long. You don't have to understand the why to understand your predicament. It doesn't matter why your partner loses interest. All you need to know is...
1) sex is not important to them.
2) They know sex is important to you.
3) Your needs are not important to them.
Instead of fixing their problems, they'll discount your needs, and may even resort to gaslighting and DARVO as forms of mental abuse. That is not love. That is control.
|
|
|
|
Post by blueguy on Jun 10, 2021 21:29:03 GMT -5
I’m asking myself that very same thing nearly 20 years later. I’m right around your age too. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this as well. 😔
|
|
|
|
Post by elynne on Jun 11, 2021 6:49:56 GMT -5
Well, you seem to have a idea at least Sister iamdarkblue1980 - "If I could pack and leave I would" - you say. The tricky bit is in turning the idea in to an executable plan. Your situation seems to have some parallels to Sister elynne . See how her name appears in blue ? If you click on that it will take you to her profile and access to every post she has made. Reading through her posts from the start might be useful, and she may even weigh in to your post with some helpful suggestions. Hi! I’m elynne. I’ve been out of my sexless (and abusive) marriage for almost two years now. I moved from the US to the Netherlands fourteen years ago pregnant with our first child. I know exactly what it feels like to be stuck. Friends and family were on the other side of an ocean. All of my social contacts were either brand new or part of my husband’s social circle. When I first arrived in the Netherlands I was the primary bread winner, but over the course of 12 years, moving to a more rural area without international finance, having a second child, and taking on the majority of housekeeping and child rearing I had very little income. What I did earn my husband would find an excuse to transfer out of my account and into his. I had to borrow money to get divorced (despite the fact that my ex was earning between €200 to €300k a year.) From reading your story, it seems you’ve been down this road before. You have the strength and courage to leave. Logistics might be harder this time around. But from a purely pragmatic standpoint, you could sell the house you’re living in and use that capital to start again somewhere else. I would talk to a lawyer. See what the rules are in your jurisdiction. And just my two cents, I found getting a really good therapist was key. I went through hell and back in my 12 year marriage. I also know that people tend to choose partners based on their unresolved issues. I definitely didn’t want to end up in another relationship like my marriage, after what I went through to get out of it. If you’re seeing a pattern in the partners you choose, work on yourself so those unavailable types are no longer appealing. For you. For your kids. Relationships (surprise surprise!) can be so much more rewarding, fun, loving. |
|
|
|
Post by theexplorer on Jul 2, 2021 11:18:27 GMT -5
The Title "How can you not want sex" is a question I can address.
I tried for years to reach the point where I did not want sex. The people who have hurt me the most in my life have been sexual partners. After a few decades of such experiences with multiple sex partners and finding myself in a sexless marriage, I figured losing my sex drive was the most logical choice. It was logical, but a horrible choice!
I started out by denying (to myself) that I wanted sex. Then I tried to avoid any thing remotely sexual. (Movies, etc.) I began associating bad things with sexual thoughts. (Every time a sexual thought entered my mind I would think of something revolting.) Over time, my desire and interest in sex declined to a degree.
Unfortunately, losing interest in sex in this manner had some severe unintended consequences. I ended up in a nearly constant state of mild to moderate depression. Over this time period, I lost interest in my hobbies, lost most of my friends, developed a bad attitude, my health went down hill, etc. I entered a downward spiral that led to the darkest period of my life. It was an awful experience!
I finally realized that denying my innate sexual feelings and desires was messing up my life. Anytime we repress our feelings, we are headed for potential trouble. I would NEVER recommend attempting to reach a point where you do NOT want sex!!!
|
|
DrNo
Junior Member
Posts: 52 
Age Range: 51-55
|
Post by DrNo on Jul 2, 2021 14:51:09 GMT -5
Thexplorer, well said
|
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Jul 2, 2021 16:51:34 GMT -5
TheExplorer
I finally realized that denying my innate sexual feelings and desires was messing up my life. Anytime we repress our feelings, we are headed for potential trouble. I would NEVER recommend attempting to reach a point where you do NOT want sex!!!That is so true.
Repressing some feelings is required sometimes but basic needs viewed as normal by society does pose a problem.
|
|
|
|
Post by theexplorer on Jul 21, 2021 13:16:58 GMT -5
I finally realized that denying my innate sexual feelings and desires was messing up my life. Anytime we repress our feelings, we are headed for potential trouble. I would NEVER recommend attempting to reach a point where you do NOT want sex!!!
I should add one thing to this thought. It MAY be possible for some people to reach a point where they do NOT want sex in a healthy manner. I read about a guy whose wife left him. Apparently, she treated him badly while they were together.
After they parted ways, he did not have any interest in dating. (He was deeply hurt.) Instead of looking for a new relationship, he immersed himself in other activities, hobbies, etc. that he loved which kept him busy. He claims he is very happy now. He has been divorced for several years, so this method may work.
|
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Jul 21, 2021 14:02:30 GMT -5
There is a group on men that claim relationships are too much trouble. The group is called "Men going their own way" MGTOW is what they go by.
MGTOW groups share a belief common among other manosphere groups that women follow a similar pattern in dating and marriage: young and attractive women are promiscuous and engage in "hypergamy", having sex with numerous men and abandoning a man if a "higher-value" man shows interest.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Men_Going_Their_Own_Way |
|
