onempty
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Posts: 66
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by onempty on Sept 23, 2021 14:39:06 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for the replies and advice. I never really believed she was having an affair. Maybe an emotional affair with the ex bf a couple years ago when things were really bad but not lately. Her past transgressions I mentioned were money issues and lying about it. Unbelievable how much debt she ran up before I caught on. Between the high debt and losing half our income when became sick we had to declare bankruptcy. I’m ashamed I did that but it was the only way I could pay the bills and take care of her and our then 3 small children.
I haven’t been on the site lately and thought I’d give an update. She has been more intimate with touching and much to my surprise she actually initiated sex one night. We’ve had sex once or twice a week for a few weeks now. Not surprisingly everything is much better. Not just for me but she seems happy too. I really don’t understand how she could be so clueless when we talked about it so many times. Will this last? Idk... I hope so.
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 23, 2021 17:09:34 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for the replies and advice. I never really believed she was having an affair. Maybe an emotional affair with the ex bf a couple years ago when things were really bad but not lately. Her past transgressions I mentioned were money issues and lying about it. Unbelievable how much debt she ran up before I caught on. Between the high debt and losing half our income when became sick we had to declare bankruptcy. I’m ashamed I did that but it was the only way I could pay the bills and take care of her and our then 3 small children. I haven’t been on the site lately and thought I’d give an update. She has been more intimate with touching and much to my surprise she actually initiated sex one night. We’ve had sex once or twice a week for a few weeks now. Not surprisingly everything is much better. Not just for me but she seems happy too. I really don’t understand how she could be so clueless when we talked about it so many times. Will this last? Idk... I hope so. Your last post mentioned losing 10 lbs. Over at DadStartingOver, they make a big deal about if you start to work out/exercise/watch what you eat, you may look better and that, in turn, perks some interest or they start worrying you might get interest from other ladies. If that was it, congrats. Even if it isn't forever, it's a fine thing and you're wise to enjoy it and not worry how long it lasts. Any other things that might've wised her up? A lot of fellas would like to inspire a reset like yours. |
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onempty
Junior Member
I'm almost free...
Posts: 66
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by onempty on Sept 24, 2021 23:41:14 GMT -5
[quote author=" mirrororchid. [/quote]Your last post mentioned losing 10 lbs. Over at DadStartingOver, they make a big deal about if you start to look better, you may look better and that perks some interest or they start worrying you might get interest from other ladies. If that was it, congrats. Even if it isn't forever, it's a fine thing and you're wise to enjoy it and not worry how long it lasts. Any other things that might've wised her up? A lot of fellas would like to inspire a reset like yours.[/quote] I’ve lost almost 20 lbs now! I’m pretty excited about that! That might have something to do with the change in my wife’s behavior but I don’t know. She said she doesn’t care but I said the same thing before when she was overweight but I like it much better now that she isn’t. I think she just decided to make the effort to save the marriage and the sex has been good and she actually liked it. Hell, she even initiated again tonight in the living room which breaks the “bedroom only” unwritten rule. I don’t know what changed in her, wish I did so I could share. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 27, 2021 3:52:52 GMT -5
I’ve lost almost 20 lbs now! ... That might have something to do with the change in my wife’s behavior but I don’t know. She said she doesn’t care. I said the same thing before, when she was overweight but I like it much better now that she isn’t. I think she just decided to make the effort to save the marriage and the sex has been good and she actually liked it. Hell, she even initiated again tonight in the living room which breaks the “bedroom only” unwritten rule. I don’t know what changed in her, wish I did so I could share. May I ask...with this weight loss, did you go first? Supposedly, self-improvement can be contagious in couples. They get some self-esteem out of it, which can counteract possible underlying body image issues. May I urge you to keep steady? Studies indicate fitness is much easier to maintain with a partner (it need not be a spouse). So if you stop, she very well might too. If body image was an issue, that could creep back with any stray pounds. (Winter holidays are coming! Lots of baking coming in to the office soon!) Nice to hear walls of BS crumbling for you. |
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onempty
Junior Member
I'm almost free...
Posts: 66
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by onempty on Sept 27, 2021 15:14:21 GMT -5
Mirrororchid,
My wife lost weight first. She is 5’2” and after laying around sick and depressed for many years she got all the way up to like 250. She ended up having bariatric surgery a few years ago and now she weighs 130. Between her weight loss and the fact meds have got her disease mostly in control she’s doing well. She’s beautiful. She’s always been far better looking than me.
My weight loss has been for myself. I felt horrible. I looked horrible. I’m excited I’ve made a dent in it. I don’t huff and puff just walking. My clothes fit me better. I’m not stopping now that things are going good, I have 30 lbs more to go. It might sound like I have esteem issues and that’s the reason our sex lode has sucked for the past 20 years but that’s not the case. I really don’t know why it’s flipped. I hope it stays this way. December we will celebrate our 23rd anniversary and we rented a cabin in the mountains for a week that I’m very much looking forward too.
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 5, 2021 12:33:32 GMT -5
You can drill down layers into the how and why of why she is sexually averse to you, but at the end of it - she has become sexually averse to you. She isn't having sex with because she doesn't want to.
It isn't because she is incapable, or that she's forgotten, or that she's unaware of the risks of not having sex with you.
It's because she doesn't want to, and the intensity of her aversion is such that it exceeds the perceived risk or harm that comes from not having sex with you.
She's also running interference on the diagnosis, given that she's telling you she's all good.
I'd suggest that your game is to put sexual intimacy as a priority on which to focus, but her game is to obfuscate and delay that conversation because she knows it's not going to end well. She knows she isn't into you and that's that. It will either risk changing or cutting off whatever she's got going on on the side, or it will risk changing or cutting off the benefits she associates with the marriage.
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 7, 2021 5:44:21 GMT -5
You can drill down layers into the how and why of why she is sexually averse to you, but at the end of it - she has become sexually averse to you. She isn't having sex with because she doesn't want to. It isn't because she is incapable, or that she's forgotten, or that she's unaware of the risks of not having sex with you. It's because she doesn't want to, and the intensity of her aversion is such that it exceeds the perceived risk or harm that comes from not having sex with you. She's also running interference on the diagnosis, given that she's telling you she's all good. I'd suggest that your game is to put sexual intimacy as a priority on which to focus, but her game is to obfuscate and delay that conversation because she knows it's not going to end well. She knows she isn't into you and that's that. It will either risk changing or cutting off whatever she's got going on on the side, or it will risk changing or cutting off the benefits she associates with the marriage. Onempty's wife had reset. So we'd want to "why chase" on the reasons behind the reversal. The opposite (but also potentially futile?) task. He doesn't know what caused the reversal, but whatever it is, her aversion was overcome, perhaps because it wasn't as great as it is in refusers that don't reset? Resets possibly elevate that bar. ("I tried that already.") |
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 7, 2021 6:11:09 GMT -5
Onempty's wife had reset. So we'd want to "why chase" on the reasons behind the reversal. The opposite (but also potentially futile?) task. He doesn't know what caused the reversal, but whatever it is, her aversion was overcome, perhaps because it wasn't as great as it is in refusers that don't reset? Resets possibly elevate that bar. ("I tried that already.") I would suggest it's far more likely she could give an answer to the "why" of her reset, if she chose to be honest. I doubt that she would. How would she look if she answered honestly that she became sexual with onempty again because she feared a divorce was in the making, not because she loved or cared about him? That would be admitting she still doesn't want intimacy with him but will tolerate it to avoid the prospect of divorce. Hardly a good foundation for the future of the marriage. Unless of coarse onempty is so desperate to empty his loins that he will force her to f*ck him no matter how much she hates it. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 8, 2021 16:14:17 GMT -5
Onempty's wife had reset. So we'd want to "why chase" on the reasons behind the reversal. The opposite (but also potentially futile?) task. He doesn't know what caused the reversal, but whatever it is, her aversion was overcome, perhaps because it wasn't as great as it is in refusers that don't reset? Resets possibly elevate that bar. ("I tried that already.") I would suggest it's far more likely she could give an answer to the "why" of her reset, if she chose to be honest. I doubt that she would. How would she look if she answered honestly that she became sexual with onempty again because she feared a divorce was in the making, not because she loved or cared about him? That would be admitting she still doesn't want intimacy with him but will tolerate it to avoid the prospect of divorce. Hardly a good foundation for the future of the marriage. Unless of coarse onempty is so desperate to empty his loins that he will force her to f*ck him no matter how much she hates it. Time will tell if the reset sticks. If it does, then great! But regardless of whether reset or not - the effort and the behavior of showing up for intimacy is something that she needs to actually participate in and lead. The fact that it's a mystery as to how or why to onempty, shows that it was something within her control, and that she was responsible for changing. |
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