25 Years Gone Up In Smoke! - My Story moved to New Posts
Oct 19, 2021 13:03:51 GMT -5
mirrororchid and jerri like this
Post by curtis on Oct 19, 2021 13:03:51 GMT -5
Thank God I ran in to this forum a week and a half ago!
25 years married to a woman 8 years younger, introduced at a wedding 26 years ago in SoCal. I am 64, she is 56 now.
I was doing great in business But then my Heart died out fast, and was Blessed to get a Heart Transplant in 1999 after a hard long 2.5 yr. wait due to my tall size and most common blood type. Complicated, but not relevant right now. SO I sort of married her with a young kid Because I was Sure I was a dead man, maybe a year or three ahead of me then.....and she loved me, SO I guessed I would be Noble for helping her out in her future, and die a martyr and hero. Whatever..............give her my Stuff and savings, but never said it to anyone. Company paid me for the Past 25 years, but that all Ends in 2022, so Income will DROP a lot. Wife may have started to feel caged and looking at a life with Less Money and Things, while Maybe having to CARE FOR me if I got sick, as happens after 23 years with transplanted hearts.
25 year later...........NOW: Sex was very limited due to a lot of stuff. I was sick from weird stuff heart related, but I still KEEP GOING, actually right now I am WELL and MOBIL. Last two years Sex was ZERO, her saying I was too vulnerable the days after from the efforts, I might catch Covid 19/Corona illness/infection stuff, all sorts of reasons why Not, PLUS the COVID SHUT DOWN period still in effect mostly left little room to run from close family in a single house.. Never actually had to ASK for sex before in 23 years, so I never did. She hit MENOPAUSE two years ago, so I think I am being the loving patient long suffering husband WAITING to see it Re-ignite. You KNOW THE REST.
So, after getting Granny kisses for a week I Called Her Out, with nowhere for her to run. The words I actually had to drag from her were something like "I'm just not attracted to you like before". I mean, she isn't a stripper body either anymore...but I said "YOU NEED TO LEAVE ASAP, not as much for Me........but for YOU, so you can Stop being so miserable and nasty to me after this long without sharing WHY. Why the f**k didn't you say something 2-3 years ago??? We could have BOTH been on to new Lives, maybe having JOY in our separate lives". "The pain would have been the same then, yet you would Not have Abused me for the past 2-3 years". She stared at me and I swear, she never even shed a single tear, just said "OK". and left the room.
She is still here, as are her son in Law School living below (so she stayed for him living free? Maybe?......IDK..... they are moving soon, and I am paying for the movers, first and last month's rent, and anything here she wants she can take. I can't LIVE without LOVE and feeling loved, simple fact. SO...........in the 10 days I decided to sell the house here in the Southern larger city, and MOVE my ass back top SOCAL for family, friends since childhood, beach-time daily, and if I am lucky someone will hire a experienced sales representative, and I will find peace again there in the old hood on the beach, away from a quarter century of a past I would now just like to disappear from my memory. I am not ugly, so there will be another woman, I hope a nice honest one who is still trim and fun.
IF I had not searched out THIS FORUM 10 days ago, I WOULD STILL BE IN HELL. THANK YOU ALL!!!!! The very first Post that I saw was a Guy who was 62 yrs old in the same situation. I read the post and SAW IT ALL SO CLEARLY after reading 20 Posts. By morning after MY PLAN WAS SET. Now, I already see the light, am making PLANS to move forward alone and Restart my Story back home in SoCal, even as CRAZY it is there now, I know I will find a companion for LIVING LIFE like I DESERVE. The Past 25 years Experience WILL be behind me in the review mirror within six months if my current plans pan out.
YOU PEOPLE SAVED ME. I will never forget this, how strangers on the internet solved my LIFE PROBLEM.
CC
jerri
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Don't ask tell them you will be getting sex elsewhere. Don't seek permission! Did you get a choice?
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yesterday at 3:04am QuotePost OptionsPost by jerri on yesterday at 3:04am
You newcomers have such touching posts and it helps me a lot to see new blood in here!! oh, my!
...
I have a huge oral thing and was able to easily and quickly persuade wife into letting me get my oral fix daily after daughter was in bed, usually delivering a number of very satisfactory O to her every evening.
During this time then GF never offered reciprocation of the favor so I did suggest several times, but not in an overly demanding way. Then GF countered with an offer to jerk me which I declined. I never reached O by a partner doing that and several tried, just did nothing for me.
So this is how things went for most of our year of dating. I had grown concerned as time went by because then GF never seemed to have problems restraining herself from having sex. To me, most normal women with a sex drive at some point would be having a tough time with just oral, my lady was not even showing a desire to have her hands on my dick at all, just a lot of kissing and that was it. She was clearly turned on and stopping wet during our sessions and no way was faking her orgasms. But that was it. Anyway, I finally shared with her that I was concerned that our sex drives were in no way in sync.
I told then Gf that when we entered marriage I had a high sex drive and I hoped she could match my drive. I told then GF that I did not want to be 5-10 years into a marriage with a wife that was not into sex and the marriage was essentially in name only. Wife assured me that was not the case and I would not be disappointed.
So, we got married, the honeymoon was nothing particularly noteworthy. We had sex I think at least once a day most days, and I might have squeezed both am & pm sex out of her most days, though that might be a bit generous. I know it was nothing over the moon, nor any sessions of great length, less than an hr each I imagine.
It did give an insight into where things would head. What I found in the weeks and months that followed was my now wife would to her credit, rarely deny me. That said, it was easy to see that from the start this appeared to be more obligatory and " duty to perform when asked" than actually something she looked forward to. Oddly, W was the most easy woman to bring to O of any I was ever with and literally, every session would result in her totally spent, sweaty, and multiple orgasms that drenched us both.
Only on rare occasions did she ever fuck me back, though her pleasure from my efforts was always audible and body response as in trembling, quivering etc seemingly normal. Rarely, but always appreciated were the times she would wrap her legs around me while effing her missionary. Only about a half dozen times in 23 years of marriage during sex did wife become so aroused as to give me head unasked during a session which never went without great praise, thanks and gratitude for her taking that initiative and asking her to please repeat that in the future which only very rarely happened.
In spite of her expressed enjoyment with our sex, my W never wanted to have in depth discussion of likes and desires, any fantasies, kinks, or anything specific related to sex. W has always been way too petite to discuss anything sexual. To her credit, the only thing she ever outright refused me was anal. I had zero interest in fisting, and 3 sums or stuff like that would have totally flipped her out. Positions 69, doggy, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl etc, never denied. But wife was just not one to initiate. W was and will always be 100% sub.
For many, that would be heaven, for me it is not. I want a W that likes it when I slide up behind her as she is working at the kitchen sink and I slip my arms around her and run a hand up under her top or one into her panties. I learned early that would really piss her off. W doesn't like me grabbing her ass or doing playfully stuff like that and W never, ever suggested or initiated sex. I begged her to at least initiate occasionally.
For me, I needed the reassurance that W was simply not answering the call of duty. Through the years, frequency got much less. She seemed more tired of it all. I grew less secure in the idea that she even wanted sex with me or anyone else for that matter...
...
W is just not a sexual being, the only sexy lingerie she ever owned I bought her, then handed her a VS card and told her to always keep a $100 list of charges on the card at all times to keep her in sexy undies. Not once did she ever again buy anything sexy from VS. She would buy the most boring boulder holders she could find and that was it!
Porn was not part of our marriage initially, but as time went by and I could tell she was just not interested, I turned to it more and more for release as the years went by. I recall once suggesting getting some vibrators and W was appalled, told me if I did I could use them on myself but don't come after her with them! I seriously doubt W masturbates, if she does, the only time I could imagine that happening would be in the shower, but wife swore she never did that early on and considered it dirty. I believed her too because she is quite uptight.
I am guessing more people than we care to admit are damaged sexually. Your wife seems like one of them and so is my husband. My husband just holds himself back sexually. Sex is dirty to him because of some of his judgments on the TV. I can see many things that contributed to our sexless M. NRE or new relationship energy would probably be at the top of the list. When those exciting hormones waned like oxytocin, serotonin, endorphins. He just thought, meh, no longer interested in sex and it faded little by little. Most people don't feel obligated to participate in a healthy sex life if they choose not to. It just is. My first boyfriend just wore me out with sex but I did it because it was so important to him. I didn't even have much of a libido to speak of and the pill killed mine. The most important thing to my H is a homecooked meal and I make sure I deliver. But he just doesn't feel the same need to deliver to my desires. And I will settle for vanilla sex once a week. I even love the full-body contact of missionary!!
His hormones and stimulation would get him into the moment and then he would just back off the next time we were playing. It's like he thought about it when he wasn't under the influence of hormones and boom he no longer wanted to participate with toys for him that he clearly loved at the moment. And my husband like many others has a no-sex talk rule and it won't matter how much fun they seemed to have. I even thought wow, is he faking it? But no, I came to realize it was just his body's response to stimulation. A therapist said my husband had a huge sexual block and I never found out what it was. He didn't seem traumatized by sex but he has some stern rigid stinking thinking when it comes to sex and his whole family doesn't even hug each other. Unlike your wife, my H prefers prone masturbation.
I was taught not to initiate and I rarely did. My best was asking if we could make love yada yada weekend. Us women yearn for men like you.
Last Edit: yesterday at 3:06am by jerri
Any content is not advice to be followed by a user of the website. You should always seek the advice of a qualified health professional.
jerri
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Don't ask tell them you will be getting sex elsewhere. Don't seek permission! Did you get a choice?
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yesterday at 3:24am QuotePost OptionsPost by jerri on yesterday at 3:24am
Curtis:
Thank God I ran in to this forum a week and a half ago!
25 years married to a woman 8 years younger, introduced at a wedding 26 years ago in SoCal. I am 64, she is 56 now.
I was doing great in business But then my Heart died out fast, and was Blessed to get a Heart Transplant in 1999 after a hard long 2.5 yr. wait due to my tall size and most common blood type. Complicated, but not relevant right now. SO I sort of married her with a young kid Because I was Sure I was a dead man, maybe a year or three ahead of me then.....and she loved me, SO I guessed I would be Noble for helping her out in her future, and die a martyr and hero. Whatever..............give her my Stuff and savings, but never said it to anyone. Company paid me for the Past 25 years, but that all Ends in 2022, so Income will DROP a lot. Wife may have started to feel caged and looking at a life with Less Money and Things, while Maybe having to CARE FOR me if I got sick, as happens after 23 years with transplanted hearts.
25 year later...........NOW: Sex was very limited due to a lot of stuff. I was sick from weird stuff heart related, but I still KEEP GOING, actually right now I am WELL and MOBIL. Last two years Sex was ZERO, her saying I was too vulnerable the days after from the efforts, I might catch Covid 19/Corona illness/infection stuff, all sorts of reasons why Not, PLUS the COVID SHUT DOWN period still in effect mostly left little room to run from close family in a single house.. Never actually had to ASK for sex before in 23 years, so I never did. She hit MENOPAUSE two years ago, so I think I am being the loving patient long suffering husband WAITING to see it Re-ignite. You KNOW THE REST.
So, after getting Granny kisses for a week I Called Her Out, with nowhere for her to run. The words I actually had to drag from her were something like "I'm just not attracted to you like before". I mean, she isn't a stripper body either anymore...but I said "YOU NEED TO LEAVE ASAP, not as much for Me........but for YOU, so you can Stop being so miserable and nasty to me after this long without sharing WHY. Why the f**k didn't you say something 2-3 years ago??? We could have BOTH been on to new Lives, maybe having JOY in our separate lives". "The pain would have been the same then, yet you would Not have Abused me for the past 2-3 years". She stared at me and I swear, she never even shed a single tear, just said "OK". and left the room.
She is still here, as are her son in Law School living below (so she stayed for him living free? Maybe?......IDK..... they are moving soon, and I am paying for the movers, first and last month's rent, and anything here she wants she can take. I can't LIVE without LOVE and feeling loved, simple fact. SO...........in the 10 days I decided to sell the house here in the Southern larger city, and MOVE my ass back top SOCAL for family, friends since childhood, beach-time daily, and if I am lucky someone will hire a experienced sales representative, and I will find peace again there in the old hood on the beach, away from a quarter century of a past I would now just like to disappear from my memory. I am not ugly, so there will be another woman, I hope a nice honest one who is still trim and fun.
IF I had not searched out THIS FORUM 10 days ago, I WOULD STILL BE IN HELL. THANK YOU ALL!!!!! The very first Post that I saw was a Guy who was 62 yrs old in the same situation. I read the post and SAW IT ALL SO CLEARLY after reading 20 Posts. By morning after MY PLAN WAS SET. Now, I already see the light, am making PLANS to move forward alone and Restart my Story back home in SoCal, even as CRAZY it is there now, I know I will find a companion for LIVING LIFE like I DESERVE. The Past 25 years Experience WILL be behind me in the review mirror within six months if my current plans pan out.
YOU PEOPLE SAVED ME. I will never forget this, how strangers on the internet solved my LIFE PROBLEM.
Wow, what an incredible story you have there curtis !! I am so glad to meet you!
Do you know what my first thought was? In the movies where they are having sex and the stereotypical man has heart failure!!! I wonder if she is/was scared that she will be the cause of your heart failure? Maybe she also sees you as a miracle and is guarding her heart/unconsciously not getting close and sabotaging the M?
ETA: You backed her into a corner and the excuses she may usually use have to be something that you can't correct. That happened to me too. Or at least I think it did and I forgot where I got this from. First, the excuses will be minor, have a headache, I just ate. I am tired" but then as you correct those excuses, the excuses change and get more intense, so intense that they will make sure you can't correct it. "My H said, you don't stimulate me." My head was swimming in anger, disbelief, but mostly dove into a deep depression thinking was our sex life just a lie? I can't fix, you don't stimulate me and you can't fix her bs excuse either. I didn't dismantle the M, but at that point, I just stopped caring if he divorced me. We were slinging mud and then we got back to a more loving mode. In a loving tone, years later I gave up and told him I would be getting sex elsewhere but he would still be my number one and that I still loved cherished the marriage.
We know from relationship gurus that long-term relationships get stale and it's okay if they are not into us. There is someone for everyone! That's just part of life, things get old. My M was not as robust as a new shiny one and that didn't mean that I stopped loving or desiring my H.
The one thing that shakes me is why people are not taught how long those bonding feel-good hormones last and it doesn't mean you have fallen out of love and maybe need to work a little bit harder to stay in the zone since the NRE hormones on last 3 months to 2 years. It's really hard to recover from harsh words like that! People are always looking for experienced salespeople! You will do well. That would really scare me starting over, my hat's off to ya!! ^5 whatever she is doing she doesn't deserve your love!
Last Edit: yesterday at 5:06am by jerri
Any content is not advice to be followed by a user of the website. You should always seek the advice of a qualified health professional.
mirrororchid
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Formerly sexless. SM in remission, Nov. 2019
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yesterday at 5:42am jerri likes thisQuotePost OptionsPost by mirrororchid on yesterday at 5:42am
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yesterday at 3:24am jerri said:
Do you know what my first thought was? In the movies where they are having sex and the stereotypical man has heart failure!!! I wonder if she is/was scared that she will be the cause of your heart failure? Maybe she also sees you as a miracle and is guarding her heart/unconsciously not getting close and sabotaging the M?
... you can't fix her bs excuse either. I didn't dismantle the M, but at that point, I just stopped caring if he divorced me. We were slinging mud and then we got back to a more loving mode. In a loving tone, years later I gave up and told him I would be getting sex elsewhere but he would still be my number one and that I still loved / cherished the marriage.
Sex causing a heart attack is almost entirely a myth:
www.drmirkin.com/bk9262019/heart/8568.html
I gotta wonder though, isn't a classic eulogy line to say a person died doing what they love? (or who)
Everyone dies. There's worse ways.
As for impenetrable resistance, yeah, when nothing worked to bring regular lovemaking back, I started to open our marriage and...Shucky darn. Looks like what helps at least some refusers is the refused's refusal to be celibate. Where there's a will...
Sex was low, but menopause may have been what brought it to intolerable levels. I don't rule out the possibility she's not a shrew.
I loved your tone, curtis; liberating her at the same time was generosity at a time of emotional upheaval.
Was open marriage never an option?
jerri
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Don't ask tell them you will be getting sex elsewhere. Don't seek permission! Did you get a choice?
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yesterday at 6:09am mirrororchid likes thisQuotePost OptionsPost by jerri on yesterday at 6:09am
Remember, mirrororchid. Only about 15% even go there so I am guessing most don't consider it an option. I think more would if they read a few books on it and learned the many types of open marriages and that they don't mean just screw everyone you see. haha
