|
Post by ggold on Oct 19, 2021 15:51:52 GMT -5
I haven't posted in so long. Truthfully, I thought I would be out of this marriage. On Oct. 3, I reached the 28 year mark. Looking at this number makes my stomach turn. Why am I still here? Prior to the pandemic, he and I had a four way meeting scheduled with our divorce attorneys. It was for April. Then, the world shut down. I already deal with generalized anxiety disorder and the pandemic made it even more horrible. I was paralyzed with fear. Fear for my children, my family, myself. I am a teacher and we transitioned to remote learning and my job was a mess. I was barely holding on and there was no way I could emotionally and physically go through with the divorce. We put it on hold. And it's still on hold.
I was just going to type a bunch of excuses...my kids, my stress at work, my health, etc. Yes, they all are a part of why but I am just flat out afraid. Fear is holding me back. I am in therapy and examining these fears. I went from living with my parents, commuting to college and working, to getting married at the age of 24. I was never independent. Just having his presence here takes away some of the irrational anxiety I have about being alone. Yet, living with him as a coparent and roommate causes me stress and anxiety as well.
I fell in love with someone I met here. He is now divorced. He did it and I'm so happy for him. We are 1000 miles away and haven't seen each other since the pandemic began. I miss him terribly. He has been trying to support me emotionally, but I miss all of him...
I want out of this marriage so badly. He is an overall good man and father. My family loves him and he loves them. He's done so much for my extended family-my parents, sister. But, he and I are not husband/wife material. I know I have to rip off the bandaid at this point. Call the attorney and ask what my next steps are. On our "anniversary", I sent him a long text about how this is going to be the last one. I went on and on about how living this way isn't healthy for our children and for us. The reply I received the next day was that we will talk. No. We won't because we do not communicate about our relationship, lack of it, divorce, etc.
I'll be 53 on Friday. My best friend and her husband are taking me away to their new cabin rental home in PA. I can relax and unwind a bit.
Sometimes, I feel I don't have it in me. I don't have the strength between my anxiety and my latest diagnosis of microscopic colitis. I am always tired..physically and mentally. I wonder if I would feel better being out of this marriage? How much of my illnesses are caused by living this way?
I'm not getting younger, I'm lonely, sexless, sad and feel pathetic at this point.
Thanks for letting me get this out.
Wishing you all the best.
G
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Oct 19, 2021 17:46:17 GMT -5
I am done...husband is not...Post by ggold on May 2, 2016 at 7:45pm
I am so relieved to have found this forum! I am hoping that I will not be judged but just allowed to be free with my feelings and experiences regarding my SM.
I cannot believe it when I write this out, but I've been in my SM for about 8 years or so. No sex, no affection, no intimacy....nothing. I've been married for 22 years. I got married young, right out of college. Went from living with my parents to living with my husband. We had a great connection prior to getting married. After a few years of marriage, the activity died down. I would reach out to him about the lack of sex and he would assure me he would change, things would get better. I was young and hopeful and believed.
Although not in a SM back then, the signs were there. Still, I ignored them and we went on with life. We adopted our three beautiful children and created our family.
He is a good man. This has been the root of my guilt. I would cry because I was lonely in the marriage but then convince myself that I could live without sex because he is a good father, provider, person, etc. I've been in therapy to deal with the guilt and I've come a long way. I know my marriage is over. We are friends and co-parents, partners and roommates. We are not lovers. I am not sexually attracted to him anymore.
We were in therapy last summer. I tried to do the homework of holding hands, sitting close to him, even going on a weekend getaway. I didn't feel it. I couldn't bring myself to hold his hand. It felt so forced, so unnatural. When we went away, I had to sleep in the same bed with him. (I haven't in years and tell the kids it's because he snores.) It was terrible.
I confronted him recently and spilled my feelings. Everything. I was very honest. He was devastated but finally admitted to having no sex drive. (He actually SAID the words...this was huge!) He said he is holding on to a thread of hope that our marriage can work. He now wants to go to therapy himself and work on him. He asked if I'd go back into counseling with him but I said no. He said he won't let me go. So, basically he doesn't want me sexually and he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. I have a lot of planning to do. I work part-time and rely on him financially. We have the children and they are my priority. This is going to be so difficult and my head is spinning. What I do know is that I need to move on. And I will...it just may take a little time...but my journey is just beginning. 0
I read some of your old posts. I just wanted some of the newer posters to know a little more of your story so I copied and pasted one of your earlier posts. It is not a crime to stay stuck until you know which way you need to go and have some of the important details worked out.
Still here, is a common option/theme so welcome back to posting. Remember, that you are among friends that understand your position and problems.
|
|
|
Post by isthisit on Oct 19, 2021 17:59:14 GMT -5
Welcome back ggold . I know your story from reading back threads when I arrived here. I am sorry to her about your struggles during the pandemic. I hope that you find happiness soon.
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Oct 19, 2021 18:33:11 GMT -5
Wanted to add a bit of the old thread: angryspartan said:
No drive is not an excuse. You literally could not apply the "no desire" to do anything else that's important to having a healthy relationship and get away with it.
I have 0 tolerance for that kind of garbage excuse.
DryCreek said:
I completely agree.
"I just didn't feel like going to work this week."
"I wasn't up for feeding the kids today."
"Hygiene is overrated. It's not worth my effort."
Why is it that interpersonal relationships - and marriage, at that - are given a free pass to be tended to only when one is "in the mood"? Life is full of responsibilities. How is it that people recognize even goldfish need regular care and feeding, but a marriage is expected to thrive when no effort is made?
ggold said:
"How is it that people recognize even goldfish need regular care and feeding, but a marriage is expected to thrive when no effort is made?"
OMG!! I never thought of this!! BTW he feeds the friggin' fish every day!!!In Handy's quote, you said: "... basically he doesn't want me sexually and he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. I have a lot of planning to do. I work part-time and rely on him financially. We have the children and they are my priority..." Since 2016, when you wrote that, jerri and I have showed up and the two of us take it upon ourselves to float the option of opening the marriage. Jerri did, but I didn't have to, because Mrs. Mirrororchid reset almost two years ago. He may not want you to see anyone else, but would he prefer divorce if those were his only two options? Getting used to independence would entail building a social circle all your own; developing interests and hobbies you may do with friends or clubs, parleying that part time job into a workplace with lots of lunch buddies. When I started my plan to find a lover through online dating, the pursuit of the plan was invigorating. Just taking action to address my lament was enough to recharge me and I brought a new level of amicability and support to my wife in the process. Removing her status as my jailor made me love her more and made dedicating myself to her welfare as her husband a natural course. If she should go celibate again it would be my plan to grow old(er) with her and be the intimate companion with refused women like yourself. The FWB can have her lifelong friend by her side too. Given the caring for shared children, the ability to stay in teh same house might lend an open marriage some appeal. Baza would say, regardless, get some legal counsel done just in case Mr. Ggold turns out to take more initiative than expected.
|
|
|
Post by sadkat on Oct 19, 2021 21:46:05 GMT -5
Hello, @ggold. It’s good to hear from you. I’m sorry you are struggling. This pandemic took its toll on many people. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are making some positive steps. Seeing a therapist to address your fears is a very important step. You will gain the strength you need and see your path more clearly. What you’re feeling now is just a part of the process. Hang in there!
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Oct 19, 2021 23:55:06 GMT -5
Ggold Sep 28, 2019 RexCorvus and I always wish you the best. We are still navigating our way through our journey. We just had our first full week together and it was amazing!
Any updates on that relationship?
|
|
|
Post by jerri on Oct 20, 2021 6:03:04 GMT -5
Aww, gGold, What does your therapist say? Staying out of it or does your therapist have an opinion of your progress toward the exit?
|
|
|
Post by deadzone75 on Oct 20, 2021 11:12:28 GMT -5
I want out of this marriage so badly. He is an overall good man and father. My family loves him and he loves them. He's done so much for my extended family-my parents, sister. But, he and I are not husband/wife material. I know I have to rip off the bandaid at this point. Call the attorney and ask what my next steps are. On our "anniversary", I sent him a long text about how this is going to be the last one. I went on and on about how living this way isn't healthy for our children and for us. The reply I received the next day was that we will talk. No. We won't because we do not communicate about our relationship, lack of it, divorce, etc. I'll be 53 on Friday. My best friend and her husband are taking me away to their new cabin rental home in PA. I can relax and unwind a bit. Sometimes, I feel I don't have it in me. I don't have the strength between my anxiety and my latest diagnosis of microscopic colitis. I am always tired..physically and mentally. I wonder if I would feel better being out of this marriage? How much of my illnesses are caused by living this way? I'm not getting younger, I'm lonely, sexless, sad and feel pathetic at this point. Thanks for letting me get this out. Wishing you all the best. G Welcome back, G. Sorry to hear things are not looking up from the last time you were here. I spent my entire M acknowledging that my W was really a "great person" and was amazing outside of the bedroom. She had definitely polished her exterior with everyone. I'm not saying she was actually a bad person, but I came to understand that refusers rely on a good exterior. Family, friends...they react with shock if you tell them what's really going on behind closed doors. Surely not! Surely it's you. Surely you are overreacting. Then it's you who is the bad one, the paranoid one, the crazy one, the shallow one. That's one thing you must strike from your mind when you make the move. If they have perfected the art of refusing, then you have no choice to accept the role of the bad guy. But really, who cares? Family will (should) still love you, and friends will still be there if they are true. If not, well, they can send sympathy cards to the refuser. I do myself a favor and refrain from talking about my separation with family (they all really liked her). We all pretend aliens picked me up from one location, one life, and dropped me in another. It works for all of us. Another thing I wanted to touch on is your anxiety. With the constant weight of your SM, you will never be able to discern the impact that it has on your mental state. I used to wonder the same thing: am I depressed because my brain is out of whack, or is it an eternity of refusal? Is my brain out of whack that much because I don't have sex? Do I really hate my job this much, or am I bitter and seething and blinded from my failed M? Do I really hate that couple walking down the street holding hands? That question will only be answered when you break away from the oppression, that much I know. I'm out of my SM now, but I still worry...a lot. I'm worrying right now. But you know what I don't have to worry about? Not getting sex or intimacy in any way, shape or form. Not that I'm scoring, but because I don't have the expectation to worry about. Granted, for many in a long-running SM, expectations are out the window. Except they aren't, not inside our minds. Being refused in a M does not compute with the brain. What refusers do defies the law, defies reason and logic, human behavior, basic needs. Today if I don't get laid, it's because it's not meant to be right now. In a M, sexless or not, it IS MEANT TO BE, right now, and always. That's the point of those vows and that ring and that promise. I'm hoping the best for you, and that you can find the strength. It might come after the storm, but even the prospect of strength is a powerful thing.
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Oct 20, 2021 12:35:24 GMT -5
I recall a span of several years when I was resisting a serious relationship in which I felt like I had no sex drive. I did though - just not with the person who was angling to move in and maybe marry me. I too wanted desperately to hang on to my relationship and was as concerned as she was about losing it. Eventually I had a personal revelation and got on board, and suddenly we traded places. I was all in on sex and she was suddenly averse.
I've seen this in the post-dating world and it's helpful to take stock so you don't make the same mistake twice... it was the first instance in which I realized that people often seek out unavailable partners if they, themselves, are unavailable or unserious. I think that was what happened.
I can see that you both have love for each other and for your mutual enterprise - whatever household you have built together. It's hard, because most of what people talk about with this is framed as either IN or OUT with a great deal of finality. I'd offer - since you both seem to agree on most facts - to frame this differently. It doesn't have to be about slamming the door entirely.
It's possible - difficult (but you are used to difficult) but achievable - to recognize the change in your failed intention and relation to each other - to be a cooperative, amicable former spouse if you both agree to basic principles around it. Instead of looking at this as ejecting someone from your life altogether, you can both come to it with an intention toward authenticity about it. Maybe you are friends. Or, like someone who becomes an uncle - you become "ex-spouse" - a kind of familial relation that isn't really friends and is a kind of extended family. The kind you see at big tent occasions like kid birthdays and weddings. Or like a business partner in the most important non-profit enterprise you can imagine, but with separate lives otherwise.
It doesn't have to be a disaster. You can still recognize whatever love or affection is there without guilt in not seeing this person as a romantic partner. Because he isn't and hasn't been.
|
|
|
Post by ggold on Oct 20, 2021 17:01:27 GMT -5
deadzone75Thank you for your kind words. They make so much sense. I have to be compassionate to myself and it's hard. I am just beating myself up over it all and that's not helping any.
|
|
|
Post by ggold on Oct 20, 2021 17:05:38 GMT -5
I recall a span of several years when I was resisting a serious relationship in which I felt like I had no sex drive. I did though - just not with the person who was angling to move in and maybe marry me. I too wanted desperately to hang on to my relationship and was as concerned as she was about losing it. Eventually I had a personal revelation and got on board, and suddenly we traded places. I was all in on sex and she was suddenly averse. I've seen this in the post-dating world and it's helpful to take stock so you don't make the same mistake twice... it was the first instance in which I realized that people often seek out unavailable partners if they, themselves, are unavailable or unserious. I think that was what happened. I can see that you both have love for each other and for your mutual enterprise - whatever household you have built together. It's hard, because most of what people talk about with this is framed as either IN or OUT with a great deal of finality. I'd offer - since you both seem to agree on most facts - to frame this differently. It doesn't have to be about slamming the door entirely. It's possible - difficult (but you are used to difficult) but achievable - to recognize the change in your failed intention and relation to each other - to be a cooperative, amicable former spouse if you both agree to basic principles around it. Instead of looking at this as ejecting someone from your life altogether, you can both come to it with an intention toward authenticity about it. Maybe you are friends. Or, like someone who becomes an uncle - you become "ex-spouse" - a kind of familial relation that isn't really friends and is a kind of extended family. The kind you see at big tent occasions like kid birthdays and weddings. Or like a business partner in the most important non-profit enterprise you can imagine, but with separate lives otherwise. It doesn't have to be a disaster. You can still recognize whatever love or affection is there without guilt in not seeing this person as a romantic partner. Because he isn't and hasn't been. Yes. Thank you! I pray that we can end this amicably and remain "family" just not husband and wife. It's just so very difficult to communicate this to him.
|
|
|
Post by ggold on Oct 20, 2021 17:09:39 GMT -5
Aww, gGold, What does your therapist say? Staying out of it or does your therapist have an opinion of your progress toward the exit? She wants me to begin by reaching out to my attorney and see what my next steps will be. She said to take little steps forward. I agree, but taking the little steps feels like gigantic ones to me. She understands my fears and knows they have been compounded due to the pandemic. She encourages self-care as much as possible.
|
|
|
Post by ggold on Oct 20, 2021 17:12:20 GMT -5
Hello, @ggold. It’s good to hear from you. I’m sorry you are struggling. This pandemic took its toll on many people. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are making some positive steps. Seeing a therapist to address your fears is a very important step. You will gain the strength you need and see your path more clearly. What you’re feeling now is just a part of the process. Hang in there! Thank you. I am trying. I felt I was making progress and then fell way back. I am trying to gain the strength again, as you stated, and move forward. You are correct, this is a part of the process. Hugs.
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Oct 21, 2021 9:17:20 GMT -5
It's possible - difficult (but you are used to difficult) but achievable - to recognize the change in your failed intention and relation to each other - to be a cooperative, amicable former spouse if you both agree to basic principles around it. Instead of looking at this as ejecting someone from your life altogether, you can both come to it with an intention toward authenticity about it. Maybe you are friends. Or, like someone who becomes an uncle - you become "ex-spouse" - a kind of familial relation that isn't really friends and is a kind of extended family. The kind you see at big tent occasions like kid birthdays and weddings. Or like a business partner in the most important non-profit enterprise you can imagine, but with separate lives otherwise. It doesn't have to be a disaster. You can still recognize whatever love or affection is there without guilt in not seeing this person as a romantic partner. Because he isn't and hasn't been. Yes. Thank you! I pray that we can end this amicably and remain "family" just not husband and wife. It's just so very difficult to communicate this to him. Discuss the facts on which you agree. Come to agreement on the relationship that you DO have. The positive aspects. It sounds like you both are talking openly and no longer gaslighting about what each of you have. Instead of framing this is something like a relationship that is new, frame it as a more authentic structure in which to express the best elements of the love and friendship that you do have. The fantasyland and lie was the marriage. Imagine a future in which you can retain some of the best elements of the relationship and affection for each other, but in a format that is not tainted by rejection and heartache and failure to be what you wanted it to be. Then consider how that might practically unfold. If you are truly friends or caring ex-spouses or co-parents, what might that look like? Do you have a weekly dinner? Do you send each other birthday cards? What is your financial arrangement? Do you each sometimes help the other around the house? like a fix the sink kind of thing? Do you need to teach each other certain skills?
|
|
|
Post by sadkat on Oct 21, 2021 21:02:27 GMT -5
I recall a span of several years when I was resisting a serious relationship in which I felt like I had no sex drive. I did though - just not with the person who was angling to move in and maybe marry me. I too wanted desperately to hang on to my relationship and was as concerned as she was about losing it. Eventually I had a personal revelation and got on board, and suddenly we traded places. I was all in on sex and she was suddenly averse. I've seen this in the post-dating world and it's helpful to take stock so you don't make the same mistake twice... it was the first instance in which I realized that people often seek out unavailable partners if they, themselves, are unavailable or unserious. I think that was what happened. I can see that you both have love for each other and for your mutual enterprise - whatever household you have built together. It's hard, because most of what people talk about with this is framed as either IN or OUT with a great deal of finality. I'd offer - since you both seem to agree on most facts - to frame this differently. It doesn't have to be about slamming the door entirely. It's possible - difficult (but you are used to difficult) but achievable - to recognize the change in your failed intention and relation to each other - to be a cooperative, amicable former spouse if you both agree to basic principles around it. Instead of looking at this as ejecting someone from your life altogether, you can both come to it with an intention toward authenticity about it. Maybe you are friends. Or, like someone who becomes an uncle - you become "ex-spouse" - a kind of familial relation that isn't really friends and is a kind of extended family. The kind you see at big tent occasions like kid birthdays and weddings. Or like a business partner in the most important non-profit enterprise you can imagine, but with separate lives otherwise. It doesn't have to be a disaster. You can still recognize whatever love or affection is there without guilt in not seeing this person as a romantic partner. Because he isn't and hasn't been. Yes. Thank you! I pray that we can end this amicably and remain "family" just not husband and wife. It's just so very difficult to communicate this to him. @ggold- I can see where you might be afraid of how this will play out. The unknown is the most difficult piece. The truth is, you won’t know how things play out until they actually do. One thing I found to be true with my own exit- following the advice of my therapist got me where I wanted to be. It took a while- she fed me assignments in very small doses. But, they were manageable. Scary as hell, but manageable. I ended up telling my ex “I don’t want the traditional divorce where we never see each other again. I want to retain our friendship in some way. I just don’t know what that looks like right now”. You both will find your way if you are both willing to forge a new relationship. It sounds like your h is willing. Give him the chance.
|
|