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Post by terriblylonely on Apr 10, 2022 22:58:31 GMT -5
Hi! I’m new here and thought I would share. I never thought I would have a marriage like this. For me, my sexless marriage happened immediately after we got married. We dated for a year and had a very active sex life. At the time I was 26 and my husband was 46. Both my husband and myself I believe people would say we are attractive. We were definitely a power couple in the state we live in and most everyone we know would be shocked that I am going through this. Right after our marriage, including our honeymoon, he barely touched me. I was very confused but thought maybe he was tired or didn’t feel good. When we got home after our honeymoon everything seemed normal for the first week but after that, nothing from my husband. We discussed having children after getting married but it’s a little hard to do that when your husband starts avoiding you. Thank God I didn’t have difficulty getting pregnant. Once I got pregnant, my husband didn’t touch me during my whole pregnancy. In fact the night I told him I was pregnant we were having sex and in the middle of it, he just stopped and told me I felt “funny”. As you can imagine the pain I felt and rejection was horrible. I was so self-conscious during my pregnancy that I did everything I could do so he would not see me naked even though I only gained 30lbs during my pregnancy.
After our daughter was born we only had sex a few time and it was me who initiated it. Two years later I was wanting another child so, again I initiated and luckily got pregnant again. After that, my husband never touched me again. I have gone to him so many times and it’s always they same, I’m too tired, I’ll do better, etc. This year we will be married 24 years and I am so lonely. We have a twenty year age difference. His testosterone levels are just fine, great physical health, no issues with ED. About 10 years ago he stepped out of our marriage. He took this women out on a few dates and I found out about it. He claims he didn’t sleep with her but it really didn’t matter to me. In my eyes he did because at the end of the day he wasn’t sleeping with me. He talked about our marriage to this women and told her we weren’t having sex. I remembered laughing at him, saying you’re the one with the “not having sex with your spouses” it was never me. In the 24 years of our marriage I have never turned down sex to my husband on the rare occasion he would ask. It was normally me asking him and begging. Do you have any idea what it’s like for a women to beg a man to sleep with her. In my past relationships I never had a problem with sex and never thought in a million years this would be the type of marriage I would have. I have brought it up to my husband so many times that I don’t even mention it anymore. I remember telling him that one of these days, I won’t be crying, I won’t come to you, wanting you. Those days are here. I used to be so in love with my husband. Now, I have lost all respect for him as a husband and a man. We don’t really touch except for a daily hug or a peck on the lips. I can’t remember when I had a real kiss. Aside from the no sex we actually have a good relationship. We get along very well, we laugh, go out, have date night etc. However, my needs haven’t been met at all in our marriage and I feel at times I want to just be with someone. To feel the weight of a man on top of me, his hands on me. The loneliness is deafening at times, sometimes it’s all I think about. I’ve even thought about stepping outside my marriage with someone who isn’t married (I don’t want to be the cause of ruining someones marriage) Even when I type these words, “stepping outside” of my marriage pains me because that is not who I am but I feel like my husband has pushed me into that direction and I resent him for it. I’m 50, our kids are grown and I’m in the last chapter in my life. The thought of not having sex is not ok with me. I have put everyone’s needs before mine and now I want my needs met, even if that means looking outside my marriage. Withholding sex from your spouse basically during our whole marriage is one of the cruelest things you could do to a person. Needless to say, this rejection has damaged me in so many ways. Sorry for the long post. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Post by baza on Apr 11, 2022 1:54:41 GMT -5
Hello Sister terriblylonely and welcome to this group. It can be quite cathartic to put your story down. Thanks for sharing yours. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 11, 2022 4:07:24 GMT -5
hello terriblylonely....and welcome to the group. Your story reads like so many others here where the sex and intimacy were robust before the marriage and just seemingly evaporated following the ceremony.
Unfortunately, by the time most people finally reach the point where they "google" sexless marriage and find this forum things are pretty much down the tube. The lack of anything like a positive response from your spouse following the numerous attempts to initiate doesn't bode well. And your H seeing another woman indicates to me he really has already begun disengaging from the marriage. From your story it seems you have mostly a good roommate's relationship at this point.
It seems you have had numerous talks with him about the lack of sex and intimacy and he has just kicked the can down the road That is pretty standard behavior on the part of a refusing spouse. Unfortunately, it generally works as it has with you. After 24 yrs. it is highly unlikely his behavior will change, even when faced with the prospect of your stepping out of the marriage
It's likely after all this time he simply sees it as a bluff on your part. So there is no reason to do anything differently for him.
There is no silver bullet or magic potion for a SM. If you are intending to stay I would recommend your spending some time reading the staying theme. Several women there have managed to make their marriage more acceptable by finding a FWB and there are a couple of success stories where the relationship has been rekindled.
Hopefully you will find something of value here and the information or experiences you read here will help going forward.
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Post by terriblylonely on Apr 11, 2022 16:56:42 GMT -5
Thanks for this info. I will definitely look into this forum and research.
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 89 
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Apr 12, 2022 16:11:33 GMT -5
Hi terriblylonely. There are so many lines in your story that describe exactly things I went through in my marriage and the same feelings I had when I was being denied sex by my husband. We’ve only been married 8 years, but the sex dried up somewhere between years two and three. I’m one of the ones who manages to rekindle the relationship and now sex is again a regular part of our lives together. Granted, my libido seems to be much higher than his and I’m usually the initiator. Back when we were dating and first married , it seemed that he did most of the initiating. We have a 13 year age difference, with him being older than I.
It took a lot of tears, some talk about my plan to “ outsource” I’d he didn’t step up and go to bat again, so to speak. We both attended and still attend marriage counseling, which I had little faith in at first but as our relationship with our counselor deepened we found ourselves on the same page with one another more and more. Your post brought back the memories of how bad it had gotten and made me immensely grateful for how good things are now.
I empathize with you and I can honestly relate to your feelings. It isn’t any fun, that’s for sure. I hope you find your way back to the kind of marriage you want and deserve and I wish you all the luck in world getting back there.
If you have any questions , feel free to inbox me and I’d be happy to share you.
This board and the advice of other members helped me immensely. It helped me to look at the problem honestly and to admit and work through some hard truths ( and to change them!) . I had to re-asses what I had and answer some tough questions and do the work to become willing to open up emotionally. There were some counseling sessions that ended with both of us feeling like we’d been hit by a Mac truck, but I think we both still valued our marriage enough to work through and get past our difficulties.
I wish you happiness .
Lanie
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Post by theexplorer on Apr 12, 2022 17:20:16 GMT -5
"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Robin Williams.
Those of us in a sexless marriage know exactly what Robin Williams meant!! The people closest to us are capable of hurting us the most deeply. Therefore, being rejected by a spouse is an intensely personal rejection!!
The time I was most lonely was during the worst period of my marriage. Laying in bed at night next to her was when it hurt the most intensely. I would frequently awaken during the night and reach out and touch my sleeping wife. She is a very sound sleeper, so she never realized what I was doing. She did NOT want to be touched when she was awake, so the only time I could touch her was while she slept.
Those memories are still painful! Unfortunately, your marriage has been more difficult and painful than mine. Reading your story brought back so many emotions! Your story is so similar to mine. A sexless marriage sucks!!!
You mentioned that you have been damaged by living with your husbands constant rejection. This is certainly true. I was hurt in a number of ways that were not obvious. Back when I first joined this board, I had no idea how deeply my wife's actions had hurt me. Thankfully, we can heal.
There are some great people on this web board. You can find support, advice and help. Welcome to the group!
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Post by Apocrypha on Apr 13, 2022 7:53:18 GMT -5
Hi terriblylonely. There are so many lines in your story that describe exactly things I went through in my marriage and the same feelings I had when I was being denied sex by my husband. We’ve only been married 8 years, but the sex dried up somewhere between years two and three. I’m one of the ones who manages to rekindle the relationship and now sex is again a regular part of our lives together. Granted, my libido seems to be much higher than his and I’m usually the initiator. Back when we were dating and first married , it seemed that he did most of the initiating. We have a 13 year age difference, with him being older than I. It took a lot of tears, some talk about my plan to “ outsource” I’d he didn’t step up and go to bat again, so to speak. We both attended and still attend marriage counseling, which I had little faith in at first but as our relationship with our counselor deepened we found ourselves on the same page with one another more and more. Your post brought back the memories of how bad it had gotten and made me immensely grateful for how good things are now. I empathize with you and I can honestly relate to your feelings. It isn’t any fun, that’s for sure. I hope you find your way back to the kind of marriage you want and deserve and I wish you all the luck in world getting back there. If you have any questions , feel free to inbox me and I’d be happy to share you. This board and the advice of other members helped me immensely. It helped me to look at the problem honestly and to admit and work through some hard truths ( and to change them!) . I had to re-asses what I had and answer some tough questions and do the work to become willing to open up emotionally. There were some counseling sessions that ended with both of us feeling like we’d been hit by a Mac truck, but I think we both still valued our marriage enough to work through and get past our difficulties. , perhaps you could share some of the lessons you learned that helped in your situation. There are very, very few stories here of people who recovered a loving, invested, intimate marriage after that part of it had gone fallow for years. It may benefit the board. |
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Post by steve1968 on Apr 13, 2022 18:01:47 GMT -5
terriblylonely. Newbie here also to the group. The group no ones wants to HAVE to join, ugh. Lots of good info on the board. No two relationships are identical, but the almost or total lack of intimacy is a common thread. And yes - it's tough to bear. I'm 63 and we've had sex once in the last 10 years. The thought of going the rest of my life without feeling another woman responding passionately to my touch is almost unbearable. Yet, I stay for other reasons. Good luck.
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 13, 2022 20:39:40 GMT -5
Greetings, terriblylonely. I'm glad you have found us, and sorry to hear you share so much of the same grief. My wife shut down on our honeymoon, too, and only showed interest in sex when she felt the need to procreate. I have some really choice words going through my head about your husband, but I'm going to stuff them for now. You're fifty. You have a lot of life ahead of you, too much time to accept the status quo. I am skeptical that you can turn around a sexless marriage like lanie appears to have done, because for every success story you will find hundreds of stories of failure. The good news is, when you know it's over, there's a lot more happiness than there is regret in moving on. There's more love and great sex in this world than you can possibly imagine. |
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Post by cagedadventurer on Apr 19, 2022 22:10:09 GMT -5
This year we will be married 24 years and I am so lonely. We have a twenty year age difference. His testosterone levels are just fine, great physical health, no issues with ED. About 10 years ago he stepped out of our marriage. He took this women out on a few dates and I found out about it. He claims he didn’t sleep with her but it really didn’t matter to me. In my eyes he did because at the end of the day he wasn’t sleeping with me. He talked about our marriage to this women and told her we weren’t having sex. I remembered laughing at him, saying you’re the one with the “not having sex with your spouses” it was never me. In the 24 years of our marriage I have never turned down sex to my husband on the rare occasion he would ask. It was normally me asking him and begging. Do you have any idea what it’s like for a women to beg a man to sleep with her. In my past relationships I never had a problem with sex and never thought in a million years this would be the type of marriage I would have. I have brought it up to my husband so many times that I don’t even mention it anymore. I remember telling him that one of these days, I won’t be crying, I won’t come to you, wanting you. Those days are here. I can’t remember when I had a real kiss. Aside from the no sex we actually have a good relationship. We get along very well, we laugh, go out, have date night etc. However, my needs haven’t been met at all in our marriage and I feel at times I want to just be with someone. To feel the weight of a man on top of me, his hands on me. The loneliness is deafening at times, sometimes it’s all I think about. I’ve even thought about stepping outside my marriage with someone who isn’t married (I don’t want to be the cause of ruining someone's marriage) Even when I type these words, “stepping outside” of my marriage pains me because that is not who I am but I feel like my husband has pushed me into that direction and I resent him for it. I’m 50, our kids are grown and I’m in the last chapter in my life. The thought of not having sex is not ok with me. I have put everyone’s needs before mine and now I want my needs met, even if that means looking outside my marriage. Withholding sex from your spouse basically during our whole marriage is one of the cruelest things you could do to a person. Needless to say, this rejection has damaged me in so many ways. terriblylonely, you have covered much in a relatively short post actually. Much of what you have shared I could as well. All was great up to the wedding day. Suddenly sex was optional until final day of the honeymoon and once our son was born, it was 8 months until she finally initiated. Thereafter only a few initiations when pregnancy was desired. And that is part of the cruelty is KNOWING they KNOW what to do and when but refusing year after year with a ridiculous number of "plausible reasons". Somehow they either cannot comprehend the damage their refusals inflict or they really cannot bring themselves to care because love is not really in their hearts. In my wife's case, I surmise she built walls as a pre-teen to protect against a hurtful, harsh mother in addition to significant fatherly rejection(s). This trait seems to prove out with most any relationship including small kids as I watch her defensiveness and overall lack of genteel. What I learned is that they cannot "give" from that which they do not have. She never shares in my work efforts or successes and is so keen on remaining in the shadows regularly threatened to leave if I ever ran for public office which I felt I might have done years ago and even today it still interests me to some degree though I enjoy my life as is - except for the sex begging of course.
I do also think of looking outside marriage though it is not an easy thing to state or write here either. Since June, I commute between WI and FL by plane and actually enjoy myself so much better without the in-house tension. When I return after a week, it is same ole'; that is her pride waiting for me to do something or become someone else. Or regular disappointment if I do not take care of her priorities.
It has been 34 years of emotional chaos and I do much better at becoming indifferent almost not caring if I ever really spend time with her again. It is a sad state of events for sure. But I like adventure, travel, new experiences, etc. none of which she has a use for. No sharing of life successes or future planning. I am 54 and I have been weening myself from the situation as I see no joy and no reason to expect it in the future. Therefore no sense in planning a joint retirement. Lastly, I say you have been amazingly patient and likely hopeful as most of us are but the frustrations remain unfortunately. This is the reality for which once accepted, you begin to navigate around. |
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Post by aimless on Sept 14, 2022 8:39:42 GMT -5
I read your post and found it very touching. It is tragically poetic. I recognize my own marriage in it. The disbelief that you could be in a relationship that is sexless, the feeling of self blame and rejection, the feelings of resentment and grievances that build, and the incongruous reality that you get along really well with your spouse otherwise. I was especially touched by your statement that the loneliness is deafening. It’s such a inexplicable feeling to be lonely in a relationship. Unfortunately I have no answer for you but I was very touched by your post and wanted to share that.
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Post by h on Sept 20, 2022 17:07:26 GMT -5
terriblylonely don't apologize for long posts. There's no other way to get it all out. I'm sorry you're here but glad you found us. I totally get the loneliness you describe. I feel more lonely when I'm with my wife than when I'm actually alone. She actually had to work late all last week and it was the most peaceful, relaxing 5 evenings I have had in a very long time. When we're both home, the loneliness feels like a tangible lump in my throat or knot in my stomach.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Sept 20, 2022 22:06:25 GMT -5
terriblylonely a lot of your story I can relate to our sex life was good for 10 years though. Mine dwindled and died in a short period. I also got to that place where I quit begging , quit crying, quit wanting him. Then I wanted nothing from him. I literally slept with a body pillow between us. We only kissed when we left for work. I did out source got my emotional/ sexual needs met. Eventually divorced.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Oct 15, 2022 7:12:10 GMT -5
Welcome? Just sounds all kinds of wrong... when one considers the topic. I really wish EP hadn't shut down because after finding this group there (yes sadly I am a long term veteran of ILIASM) I found a side group for agr gap marriage.
I don't come on here often anymore, but your story tells me maybe I should. There isn't alot of support for an age gap marriage but at the end of the day maybe it really doesn't matter. If your not having sex... your just not.
I almost feel like a trained professional could go through our stories and cultivate a working thesis on the evolution of a sexless marriage and its stages. It's like the stages of grief really. I think denial maybe lasts the longest and then people find this group when they unconsciously reach acceptance. Maybe that sounds weird or inaccurate but consider it. Wether you stay or go is irrelevant. Eventually you will have to decide what you are willing to put up with and what you want. This is not easy.
Short synopsis on myself. Married 26 years now. The sex stopped pretty early on. There are 30 years between out ages but I was sure that wasn't the problem. I have begged, pleaded, etc and by year 16 begun the evolution of figuring out my situation. I was encouraged to stay by my trusted family and friends (whom knew knew different amounts of my sexless situation obviously based on trust). Some how I thought I could "fix" my marriage. The truth I think many come here and find is that we can only fix ourselves and we struggle deeply on how to do that. I stepped out convinced that if I just took care of my sex needs I would be ok. Over the past 10 years I have managed. Do I regret staying, often. But we can't rewind the clock.
It literally has taken the last 10 years to mend what I used to refer to as a black hole within myself. This void I thought would never be filled because I had been so emotionally devastated by my situation.
There are many here with great stories and advice. Read and talk but understand there are only a few who have stayed to pay it forward so to speak and many who don't return because they have come to an acceptable resolution for themselves. Whatever that is.
It's my sincerest hope you find support here to help you move forward. For what it's worth I stayed. We are roommates. I never dress in front of him and he became interested in me when I was no longer interested in him. I sleep in the kids room now as my youngest is at college. Since I have done that I have been happier. I have had various affair partners and until the latest one never considered leaving.
On the moral high ground of not taking a married lover.... Its a moot point. A person who gets there needs met, however and whatever they are, is exactly what your trying to do. Give the other party some latitude for the same.
I look forward to diving into your stories.
Also, please forgive my new found cynicism I think its a hidden cost of staying that comes over time.
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Post by holdstrong24 on Nov 6, 2022 19:15:47 GMT -5
Hi! I’m new here and thought I would share. I never thought I would have a marriage like this. For me, my sexless marriage happened immediately after we got married. We dated for a year and had a very active sex life. At the time I was 26 and my husband was 46. Both my husband and myself I believe people would say we are attractive. We were definitely a power couple in the state we live in and most everyone we know would be shocked that I am going through this. Right after our marriage, including our honeymoon, he barely touched me. I was very confused but thought maybe he was tired or didn’t feel good. When we got home after our honeymoon everything seemed normal for the first week but after that, nothing from my husband. We discussed having children after getting married but it’s a little hard to do that when your husband starts avoiding you. Thank God I didn’t have difficulty getting pregnant. Once I got pregnant, my husband didn’t touch me during my whole pregnancy. In fact the night I told him I was pregnant we were having sex and in the middle of it, he just stopped and told me I felt “funny”. As you can imagine the pain I felt and rejection was horrible. I was so self-conscious during my pregnancy that I did everything I could do so he would not see me naked even though I only gained 30lbs during my pregnancy. After our daughter was born we only had sex a few time and it was me who initiated it. Two years later I was wanting another child so, again I initiated and luckily got pregnant again. After that, my husband never touched me again. I have gone to him so many times and it’s always they same, I’m too tired, I’ll do better, etc. This year we will be married 24 years and I am so lonely. We have a twenty year age difference. His testosterone levels are just fine, great physical health, no issues with ED. About 10 years ago he stepped out of our marriage. He took this women out on a few dates and I found out about it. He claims he didn’t sleep with her but it really didn’t matter to me. In my eyes he did because at the end of the day he wasn’t sleeping with me. He talked about our marriage to this women and told her we weren’t having sex. I remembered laughing at him, saying you’re the one with the “not having sex with your spouses” it was never me. In the 24 years of our marriage I have never turned down sex to my husband on the rare occasion he would ask. It was normally me asking him and begging. Do you have any idea what it’s like for a women to beg a man to sleep with her. In my past relationships I never had a problem with sex and never thought in a million years this would be the type of marriage I would have. I have brought it up to my husband so many times that I don’t even mention it anymore. I remember telling him that one of these days, I won’t be crying, I won’t come to you, wanting you. Those days are here. I used to be so in love with my husband. Now, I have lost all respect for him as a husband and a man. We don’t really touch except for a daily hug or a peck on the lips. I can’t remember when I had a real kiss. Aside from the no sex we actually have a good relationship. We get along very well, we laugh, go out, have date night etc. However, my needs haven’t been met at all in our marriage and I feel at times I want to just be with someone. To feel the weight of a man on top of me, his hands on me. The loneliness is deafening at times, sometimes it’s all I think about. I’ve even thought about stepping outside my marriage with someone who isn’t married (I don’t want to be the cause of ruining someones marriage) Even when I type these words, “stepping outside” of my marriage pains me because that is not who I am but I feel like my husband has pushed me into that direction and I resent him for it. I’m 50, our kids are grown and I’m in the last chapter in my life. The thought of not having sex is not ok with me. I have put everyone’s needs before mine and now I want my needs met, even if that means looking outside my marriage. Withholding sex from your spouse basically during our whole marriage is one of the cruelest things you could do to a person. Needless to say, this rejection has damaged me in so many ways. Sorry for the long post. Thanks for letting me vent. I could sure use an ear. I’m new and in need of some feedback |
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