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Post by nyartgal on Jun 1, 2022 7:51:01 GMT -5
I’m sorry you are in this situation. Your wife seems to have a lot of unresolved trauma and self esteem issues that you are powerless to do anything about—they aren’t your issues to solve. She probably isn’t going to change, and therefore neither is your situation. The only question is whether you really can face more decades like this. I agree all of the hoops etc you need to jump through are not worth 5 minutes of missionary. Can you live with no hoops and no sex at all?
Usually passive aggression like your wife’s comes from a lot of buried anger and self loathing, and it’s really hard for people with PA to change. I know this because my refuser ex was PA and after years of feeling like I was going crazy, like he had some kind of secret scorecard for my behavior and I could never score high enough, I realized it was never going to change, and I ended it.
In contrast, last night I came home a little tipsy after dinner with some friends. My H was watching tv, almost half asleep, and seemed too tired for action. We’d had sex the night before anyway. But once he realized I was angling for some nookie, he said, “If you want to get me excited, oral sex always works” with a smile. Well, you can imagine the rest!
In my previous marriage this would have been UNIMAGINABLE. Where are all the hoops? You mean desire is a natural thing that doesn’t require the perfect mood/lighting/music/mattress firmness/wardrobe choices/etc to elicit???
I really thought that I was helping my ex by enabling all of his PA bullshit by trying to actually find my way through the constant maze of confusion he set out for me. Turns out, I wasn’t helping, protecting him, saving him, boosting his morale or anything else. He was playing me! And he seems perfectly fine without me. Regardless, I am a billion times happier with a person who actually knows how to love and wants to!
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 6, 2022 20:27:17 GMT -5
....... Your wife seems to have a lot of unresolved trauma and self esteem issues that you are powerless to do anything about—they aren’t your issues to solve. She probably isn’t going to change, and therefore neither is your situation. The only question is whether you really can face more decades like this. I agree all of the hoops etc you need to jump through are not worth 5 minutes of missionary. Can you live with no hoops and no sex at all? Usually passive aggression like your wife’s comes from a lot of buried anger and self loathing, and it’s really hard for people with PA to change. I know this because my refuser ex was PA and after years of feeling like I was going crazy, like he had some kind of secret scorecard for my behavior and I could never score high enough, I realized it was never going to change, and I ended it. I really thought that I was helping my ex by enabling all of his PA bullshit by trying to actually find my way through the constant maze of confusion he set out for me. Turns out, I wasn’t helping, protecting him, saving him, boosting his morale or anything else. He was playing me! And he seems perfectly fine without me. Regardless, I am a billion times happier with a person who actually knows how to love and wants to! Thank you nyartgal for this; perfectly stated. YES to: unresolved trauma and self esteem issues that you are powerless to do anything about—they aren’t your issues to solve. She probably isn’t going to change, and therefore neither is your situation. The only question is whether you really can face more decades like this. I agree all of the hoops etc you need to jump through are not worth 5 minutes of missionary. Can you live with no hoops and no sex at all? Usually passive aggression like your wife’s comes from a lot of buried anger and self loathing, and it’s really hard for people with PA to change. I know this because my refuser ex was PA and after years of feeling like I was going crazy, like he had some kind of secret scorecard for my behavior and I could never score high enough, I realized it was never going to change, and I ended it. And YES to me being the enabler for so long: I really thought that I was helping my ex by enabling all of his PA bullshit by trying to actually find my way through the constant maze of confusion he set out for me. Turns out, I wasn’t helping, protecting him, saving him, boosting his morale or anything else. He was playing me! And he seems perfectly fine without me. Regardless, I am a billion times happier with a person who actually knows how to love and wants to!
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