onempty
Junior Member
I'm almost free...
Posts: 66
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by onempty on Jul 28, 2022 13:33:28 GMT -5
Ok, divorce not final yet but very,very soon. After many back and forths (mainly caused by both our lawyers not putting in the Judgements of Divorce what we both agreed upon) we finally have the agreement nailed down. In place of permantly paying an estimated $1k per month we settled on a lump sum buyout. Basically she keeps the condo with my half of the substantial equity we have in it, she gets 50% of my meager 403B that bottomed out the past few months, we split all credit debt, she keeps everything in the house minus my personal belongings, I have to pay off her $36k truck, and I need to give her $6500 cash. It's a very, very steep price for me but I never have to pay her another cent ana she can never takes me back to court for more.
Short term I'm financially devastated and it will take me many years to dig myself out of this. I don't think it was a good deal for me but I wanted my wife to keep the condo so that the kids have an emergency place to stay and not have to find room in our small apartments we both would have.
I moved two weeks ago into a high rise apartment which is at least 75% more expensive than the condo. I have great views and the location cannot be beat for this city. I love my apartment but things aren't all rosy. I miss living with my family and I miss my wife. I'm beginning to think not getting much sex and her excessive spending better than the loneliness I have now. My grand plans of working out and doing new things hard to do when I'm always working, tired, broke, and unmotivated. It's hard at 55 dating again. I joined a couple dating sites more really playing around than anything. I didn't pay for the dating sites where at least I'm getting some nibbles. I haven't contacted those that liked me because I'm not ready for one and two I just can't afford it. I am so sex starved... I tried joining Ashley Madison but absolutely no luck on there. Seems like women just get so many more options. The competition for women is very heavy. I'm not a very good looking guy so I think the hookup sites are going to be a no go for me. Not sure I'd do this again if I could go back.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 28, 2022 14:10:25 GMT -5
I can identify with what you are going through. My 1st divorce wiped me out also. I was forced to sell our new (paid for) home, pay off her almost new car and come up with a thousand a month in child support. This was 28yrs. ago. I ended up moving back in with my mom. It took me nearly 2 years to save up a down payment on an old house that needed a lot of work. But I had the knowledge to make the repairs myself and to convert a large closet into a 2nd bath. It took about 5-6 yrs. to get it all done. I also had to provide medical/dental insurance as long as the kids were in school.
Things may look pretty gloomy right now but with time it should get better. Hang in there. There will be plenty of ladies when you are ready to resume your love life.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 28, 2022 16:48:44 GMT -5
onempty: Instead of focusing on dating, I suggest getting involved in some social, volunteer, educational, travel, outdoor or athletic activities that interest you. This is your time to rediscover and redefine yourself after spending years as a couple, which meant sometimes not pursuing your interests if they didn't coincide with your wife's or if your interests conflicted with time with your children.
Take the focus off getting laid and put it on simply having fun and trying new activities or activities that you'd put aside for lack of time. Rekindle friendships with guy frienda. Take the time to explore who you are now.
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Post by sadkat on Jul 28, 2022 22:45:11 GMT -5
onempty - what you are feeling is completely normal. You may be surprised about this but it is true. You may be missing your family but I can assure you that it is highly unlikely you are missing your wife. What you are likely missing is your sense of "normal", your routine, the way of life you've grown used to. Change is very difficult. You must muddle through the change and adjust to your new normal before you can move forward. Divorce is a kind of death and you need to give yourself time to grieve for what you lost. So, give yourself that time. Don't force yourself to do anything you are not prepared for. Dating opportunities will open up when you are ready. If you are feeling lonely, find a club or do a meetup. You don't have to do anything that costs a lot of money. Go for a walk around the neighborhood. Sit in a park and enjoy the fresh air, solitude, and time to think. All of these things will prove helpful to your healing. You will look back one day and marvel at the journey you took. Things do get better.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 29, 2022 7:31:10 GMT -5
onempty - ... What you are likely missing is your sense of "normal", your routine, the way of life you've grown used to. ... That. Have faith in your decision, OnEmpty, the odds are heavily in your favor:
iliasm.org/thread/5401/out-iliasm-least-yeariliasm.org/thread/6133/update-apolgies-big-baby Jun 3, 2022 at 11:15am "My mental state is excellent. With all the time I've had to think about this I know this is for the best. At first I was hoping we'd try and reconcile but now I just want the hell out. I'm amazed that after 24 years together I'm not sad at all. I feel like I've awakened. I have so many plans. I want to move from our condo to an apartment in the biggest nearby city. I found a place and its expensive but the location and amenities are amazing. I can literally walk everywhere including work. It's going to be great. I want to travel and see and do all the that I've always wanted to do but she didn't. Every trip is where she wanted to go. Not anymore!
I have a feeling sex might be less than even being married for me but I don't even care. I don't feel that resentment eating at me every night. I feel pretty relaxed for a 55 year old man starting over with literally the clothes on my back. I don't have a problem with paying her off because I know with my paycheck all to myself with the opportunity to work as much OT as I want, I will not only be fine but probably better off." Trust that guy. Loneliness is temporary, that resentment was going to be around til you took a dirt nap. Where's your first road trip, anyway? Battlefield tour? Caverns? Spelunking? (Get dirty and crawl through tiny spaces) National park forest hike? Wherever the cheapest airline tickets can take you? (Would your wife ever have flown Spirit or Allegiant? You can.) Does your dating profile have a selfie with the "amazing view" from your apartment. Set up the camera on a stand and set to video. Take a screen shot where you have your best pose: smiling, "how awesome is this" smirk, raising a glass, "who me?" look over your shoulder. |
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Post by dallasgia on Jul 29, 2022 10:15:42 GMT -5
Hang in there.
Change is so hard.
But, so was living your former life.
You are not in that life any longer so it’s not permeating your every breath and sucking your soul right out of you.
Take deep breaths and feel the oppression lift out of your life.
I am rooting for you - jealous of you really. I sit here still with the permeating of every breath this shithole situation that you know so well.
Please keep us updated. As I am
On your coat tails out my door - I am following your journey .
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 31, 2022 7:58:51 GMT -5
On social media, I notice Indian men dropping propositions in adult groups, and have adopted the saying, "any app is a dating app if you're Indian enough."
This really applies to us in all situations, though. I enjoy striking up conversations pretty much anywhere. So, are there women where you go grocery shopping? Yes. Walking their dogs? Yes. Churches or other houses of worship? Yes. And, of course, bars. There are a lot of opportunities to chat that we miss every day because we aren't looking for them. So, get social. Will you pick up the girl of your dreams after the first random conversation? Meh, probably not, but you will never know who you are passing by if you don't introduce yourself.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Jul 31, 2022 8:57:11 GMT -5
Some times the process and change is so over whelming you don't notice the little things and sometimes the not so little things. Just to help you start your list here was mine in the beginning.
I didn't have to listen to all his negativity
I didn't have to dread coming home from work..
I could do what I want when I want. I only had to shop and cook for myself so I could be healthier.
I also made a point of not sitting around my apartment. I made plans with friends and coworkers. I went to the pool at my apartment and enjoyed talking to who ever was there
Made plans with my adult kids. Took walks. Joined a gym and took classes. And most importantly went to counseling so I could talk through my feelings and stress
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onempty
Junior Member
I'm almost free...
Posts: 66
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by onempty on Aug 1, 2022 8:12:18 GMT -5
Thank you all for your posts. Each and every one gave great advice I'm taking to heart. I think the biggest thing I have to do is work on myself. I'm not good physically or mentally. My confidence is low. I'm going to start by hitting the gym as soon as I get off of here. It's only a few floors below me in this building so I neve have an excuse.
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Post by baza on Aug 5, 2022 19:50:08 GMT -5
This concept of "working on myself" - or "sorting out ones' own shit" - is sound advice for anyone. It is the most productive thing you (or me, or anyone) can do. Best wishes on your journey Brother onempty . |
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