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Post by misssunnybunny on Aug 10, 2022 11:40:34 GMT -5
Were any of you around when the spouse was served the papers? We did a collaborative divorce, no papers served as we figured it out with help with a lawyer who specializes in collaborative divorce, and we each had our own lawyer to review papers independently as well. It went as well as it could, the toughest part was living in the same house as this process happened...just stressful and tense, no arguing once the process was in motion
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Post by shamwow on Aug 11, 2022 17:05:34 GMT -5
Were any of you around when the spouse was served the papers? I'm not sure how it was for others but it wasn't that dramatic on my part. My attorney performed this formality by having them directly sent to her attorney. I was trying to keep it amicable for the kids so this seemed a good approach.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 11, 2022 17:08:31 GMT -5
Were any of you around when the spouse was served the papers? We did a collaborative divorce, no papers served as we figured it out with help with a lawyer who specializes in collaborative divorce, and we each had our own lawyer to review papers independently as well. It went as well as it could, the toughest part was living in the same house as this process happened...just stressful and tense, no arguing once the process was in motion Totally agree about the toughest part living in the same house. I had an air bed in my study and she was embarrassed that someone would see it. She wanted me to deflate it daily and put it away. I did this for a couple days and then basically said "fuck this" and just started ignoring requests like this.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 12, 2022 7:41:59 GMT -5
My big fuck you moment built up like waves. First came my last desperate attempts to fix things, and, once I realized things could not be fixed trying to figure out how to cope with the situation. I ended up asking for an open marriage, and, after that was significantly rejected I stopped asking permission and just did it. When I told her I was and had no intent on stopping, she pointed out all the excuses she had for not having sex with me, and I told her she'd had twenty-three years to fix those problems. That was when she went scorched earth.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 12, 2022 16:30:29 GMT -5
Were any of you around when the spouse was served the papers? My wife filed. She wasn't around when the clerk stopped by. I asked for and got a selfie with the clerk, papers in hand, which apparently isn't the normal thing to do.
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Post by h on Aug 26, 2022 18:29:38 GMT -5
My moment of realization was quiet. My w shared some post on Facebook about love that basically said sex wasn't necessary for love. I left a sad reaction. It started an argument and that was when I realized that it was hopeless. I haven't left yet, but that was my moment where I knew beyond doubt that nothing would ever improve. I'm working on getting my finances in order to afford the lawyer and the eventual alimony.
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Post by mirrororchid on Aug 31, 2022 17:53:40 GMT -5
My moment of realization was quiet. My w shared some post on Facebook about love that basically said sex wasn't necessary for love. I left a sad reaction. It started an argument and that was when I realized that it was hopeless. I haven't left yet, but that was my moment where I knew beyond doubt that nothing would ever improve. I'm working on getting my finances in order to afford the lawyer and the eventual alimony. I have fantasies of setting up a group house where newly divorced men can get a super cheap bed, shared kitchen, showers, and all the guys can break off and start houses of their own singly, in pairs, as teams; killing debt, squirreling away fat stacks of bills because they live on rice and beans, a bedroom little bigger than the bed, and tightening up in the home gym in the basement, swapping war stories and ex-marital wisdom. Go in a broken man, come out repaired and ready to seek and destroy. There's gotta be a demand for that.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 1, 2022 1:39:51 GMT -5
My moment of realization was quiet. My w shared some post on Facebook about love that basically said sex wasn't necessary for love. I left a sad reaction. It started an argument and that was when I realized that it was hopeless. I haven't left yet, but that was my moment where I knew beyond doubt that nothing would ever improve. I'm working on getting my finances in order to afford the lawyer and the eventual alimony. I have fantasies of setting up a group house where newly divorced men can get a super cheap bed, shared kitchen, showers, and all the guys can break off and start houses of their own singly, in pairs, as teams; killing debt, squirreling away fat stacks of bills because they live on rice and beans, a bedroom little bigger than the bed, and tightening up in the home gym in the basement, swapping war stories and ex-marital wisdom. Go in a broken man, come out repaired and ready to seek and destroy. There's gotta be a demand for that. I've got a modest home, but I'd be open to having a roomie to help out someone that's under the heavy hand of divorce settlement. I'm rarely home, which makes me a pretty quiet roommate.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 1, 2022 6:19:05 GMT -5
My moment of realization was quiet. My w shared some post on Facebook about love that basically said sex wasn't necessary for love. I left a sad reaction. It started an argument and that was when I realized that it was hopeless. I haven't left yet, but that was my moment where I knew beyond doubt that nothing would ever improve. I'm working on getting my finances in order to afford the lawyer and the eventual alimony. I have fantasies of setting up a group house where newly divorced men can get a super cheap bed, shared kitchen, showers, and all the guys can break off and start houses of their own singly, in pairs, as teams; killing debt, squirreling away fat stacks of bills because they live on rice and beans, a bedroom little bigger than the bed, and tightening up in the home gym in the basement, swapping war stories and ex-marital wisdom. Go in a broken man, come out repaired and ready to seek and destroy. There's gotta be a demand for that. Rember the song YMCA.....I don't kn ow if there are still YMCA's that will give a man a room for a short period of time so he can get a bath and be warm/dry in bad weather, but it used to be available.
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Post by h on Sept 1, 2022 7:11:17 GMT -5
I have fantasies of setting up a group house where newly divorced men can get a super cheap bed, shared kitchen, showers, and all the guys can break off and start houses of their own singly, in pairs, as teams; killing debt, squirreling away fat stacks of bills because they live on rice and beans, a bedroom little bigger than the bed, and tightening up in the home gym in the basement, swapping war stories and ex-marital wisdom. Go in a broken man, come out repaired and ready to seek and destroy. There's gotta be a demand for that. Rember the song YMCA.....I don't kn ow if there are still YMCA's that will give a man a room for a short period of time so he can get a bath and be warm/dry in bad weather, but it used to be available. The organization still exists and there's one in the nearest city, but I don't think they do rooms anymore. It's a gym, daycare, kid's programs, etc thing now. They work with low income families but mostly women and children.
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Post by h on Sept 1, 2022 11:49:17 GMT -5
So mine was a bit extreme. I ride a motorcycle (mainly on weekends for enjoyment and relaxation). During my SM it was kind of my therapy. There was a particular stretch of road with nice twisties out in the woods. Things had gotten so bad that I'd picked out the tree I was going to crash into. It was in a spot where it would simply look like I missed the turn and lost control. I passed this spot several times over several months and one day had a revelation... I can just leave. It's a bit embarrassing I didn't come to that conclusion earlier but I'd always thought that a failed marriage was the ultimate failure... I was mortified about what people would think of me. I mean, I'm leaving because of no sex? What kind of asshole am I to do that? From that point I very quietly made my exit plan. As I went through the process of preparing it dawned on me I wasn't leaving just because of no sex. I was leaving because I was in a shitty lifelong commitment with someone who treated me like crap and wasn't honoring her end of the commitment. Looking back in the mirror 5 years, I can't believe I let that situation get me so low and my only regret is not leaving earlier. I used to have that kind of thought several years ago. I wasn't going to try to fake an accident though. I used to look at the steel railing at the top of the stairs on my way to my office at work every day and think "I could hang myself from that." After a while, I came to the conclusion that I could never put the rest of my family through that and gave up on the suicide thing. I did get less careful elsewhere though. I stopped looking both ways crossing the street and other things like that. I almost became a road pizza once with a close call and what I found most surprising about the experience was that it didn't even get my heart racing. I saw the car speed away, recognized how close to dead I just was, and felt nothing about it.
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 2, 2022 5:50:06 GMT -5
I used to have that kind of thought several years ago. I wasn't going to try to fake an accident though. I used to look at the steel railing at the top of the stairs on my way to my office at work every day and think "I could hang myself from that." After a while, I came to the conclusion that I could never put the rest of my family through that and gave up on the suicide thing. I did get less careful elsewhere though. I stopped looking both ways crossing the street and other things like that. I almost became a road pizza once with a close call and what I found most surprising about the experience was that it didn't even get my heart racing. I saw the car speed away, recognized how close to dead I just was, and felt nothing about it. Before my daughter completed suicide, I'd catch her being uncareful. When she didn't buckle her seat belt, she'd shrug. I explained, baby-girl, modern medicine will save you from a car wreck lots of the time. You won't be dead, you'll be banged up, and maybe a quadrapeligic. Made me think of you and getting hit by a car. Good chance you wouldn't have died. Just have a horrible medical bill to add to whatever troubles you had. Glad they missed. Are you still uncareful? I'd understand why, given your chronic low mood. This may need a thread elsewhere. sweetplumeria is in a low mood lately, too. Discussion of these dark thoughts may help get through dark places.
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Post by warmways on Sept 14, 2022 21:43:40 GMT -5
No big moment just the realization that I couldn’t go on living in such a miserable way.
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Post by petrushka on Oct 24, 2022 1:50:25 GMT -5
I really knew things had to change was when I was wishing he was dead, and when I had retreated into a dark place and turned into a person I did not recognize. I knew then I needed out before it all destroyed me. I have ZERO regrets that I left. I've been out almost a decade and it was the best decision I could have made for myself. I took time to stay in therapy and work on my own issues, and slowly started to become me again. I waited a while to even think about dating, and it took a while to want to get back out there to find someone new (eventually I did, and we are a much better match, very happy now!)
I can relate to this as far as my first marriage is concerned. The day came when my 1st wife totalled my car, getting into a head on collision on a dead straight road because she wasn't looking where she was going. I got a call from a cagey cop telling me to pick her up at a hospita 80km (50 miles) away, but would not say how she was, just that the car was 'not so well', nor what had happened. {eye roll} And on my way to the hospital I was thinking why the hell was she in the hospital, why hadn't she just gone and killed herself, she was just such a dead weight pulling me down, down, down, emotionally. (incidentally I later saw the car, the passenger side roof was down at seat level -- they had to ask her several times if she'd had a passenger).
Anyway, many moons later, we had bought the big farm, worked hard, and made a deal that she would go tramping with a helper we had while I stayed behind, with another helper. Then, I would get a holiday when she came back ... well she went, and came back, I picked her up from the airport bus since she didn't want me to pick her up from the airport ... I gave her a big hug and a kiss and swung her around and she hissed at me "not in PUBLIC". That was my F-you moment. I realized that nothing would change ever, I'd just get more and more unhappy. Three days later she moved into the spare bedroom because I told her I was done. She worked for me for another 3 months and left. Totally civilized divorce, we had to wait a year, then went to the family court and that was it. No trouble, no strife, nothing acrimonious.
For the next two years I felt like I was floating with happiness. My feet barely touched the ground. It was just so good to be OUT.
It had been the death of 10,000 cuts. I gave her my heart, and she sliced and diced it and gave it back to me on a tarnished silver salver. Took me 10 years before I could even let a woman get close to me physically. But, hosianna, I was OUT!
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