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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 30, 2022 19:32:29 GMT -5
Hi folks, Just a quick update, we had a brief chat last night and we are meeting up this weekend for an afternoon stroll. Unsurprisingly, we both have well established lives, with plenty of commitments already so it will be mid-afternoon before we meet and we'll be dodging showers by the look of it. Still an opportunity to find out more. I'm beginning to relax into this idea of seeing someone. Bye for now Sounds like both of you are taking a healthy approach to forming a meaningful relationship! Someone with a 'well established life' Still has a need and room for a man to share it with! Hopefully you are both open to learning and trying new things. Different things you are both "established" with. Just imagine the possibilities! Hopefully you both will experience giving and receiving! Are you a giver? ( most of us who ended up in a SM fall into that category) Try receiving more . (taking) Ask and you shall receive!
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 3, 2022 14:14:36 GMT -5
Hi Folks, Well we dodged the showers, it only started to rain as we got back into the car; having spent several hours walking in a lovely park and having a coffee. Time did seem to pass quickly. It was very pleasant. She is away for work for ten days but we've agreed to arrange to meet after she returns.
I have the sense that we are both, separately, feeling our way in long-forgotten terrain. This isn't an unpleasant experience.
One point I have been pondering... It's all very well me looking for Red Flags in her; inevitably there are some, indicative really of areas that need to be further explored, but what Red Flags am I potentially displaying? I guess we would all like to think that we are fine, we've done the work etc. but after five+ hours of conversation I'm aware that as you stir the pond things do float to the surface. Things that I will have to deal with. Thoughts?
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 3, 2022 14:50:19 GMT -5
Sounds like both of you are taking a healthy approach to forming a meaningful relationship! Someone with a 'well established life' Still has a need and room for a man to share it with! Hopefully you are both open to learning and trying new things. Different things you are both "established" with. Just imagine the possibilities! Hopefully you both will experience giving and receiving! Are you a giver? ( most of us who ended up in a SM fall into that category) Try receiving more . (taking) Ask and you shall receive! Thank you, yes, I've been pleasantly surprised at how we've got on. One of the things main things I sense we are doing at this point is establishing trust in each other; which is fine with me. We'll have to see how we get on when we 'push the envelope'. Yes, I am a 'giver', that's an interesting observation that hadn't occurred to me. It's a good point.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 3, 2022 15:34:48 GMT -5
greatcoastal said: "Someone with a 'well established life' Still has a need and room for a man to share it with!"
Sounds like that's the way she is, and that's a great thing. When I was looking for a partner, I definitely wanted someone with a well established life. I didn't want to be someone's only friend or his social coordinator, therapist, etc. I wanted a man with a life of his own, but who also had room to fit me in. And that's what I found.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 3, 2022 19:49:12 GMT -5
Go with the flow. But know your boundaries and see what hers are. Are you compatible? Do you want the same things? Is she looking to date casually or something more long term? Are you on the same page? Maybe just treat the first dates as getting to know each other. Treat it like it may not go anywhere to take the pressure off. And then just be yourself. Its your first time dating after awhile so keep expectations in check. Hi Folks, Well we dodged the showers, it only started to rain as we got back into the car; having spent several hours walking in a lovely park and having a coffee. Time did seem to pass quickly. It was very pleasant. She is away for work for ten days but we've agreed to arrange to meet after she returns. I have the sense that we are both, separately, feeling our way in long-forgotten terrain. This isn't an unpleasant experience. One point I have been pondering... It's all very well me looking for Red Flags in her; inevitably there are some, indicative really of areas that need to be further explored, but what Red Flags am I potentially displaying? I guess we would all like to think that we are fine, we've done the work etc. but after five+ hours of conversation I'm aware that as you stir the pond things do float to the surface. Things that I will have to deal with. Thoughts?
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 3, 2022 21:39:41 GMT -5
dinnaken, congrats on surviving a second round! Her travel may provide a healthy amount of spacing and excuse for a repeat. I’ve become a bit emboldened with age, maybe for better or worse. Confront the awkward. “I’m really enjoying our time together, and I’d like to continue seeing you - how do you feel about that?” Maybe she’ll pump the brakes. Maybe you’ll get a green light. Either way, you’ll know which direction it’s heading and so will she. When appropriate (next date?), explore questions like what each of you is looking for. Acknowledge her job / travel / social life and your take on how they’re not show-stoppers. Then again, I’m not in the dating market, so what do I know? ;-) DC
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 4, 2022 5:43:32 GMT -5
... after five+ hours of conversation I'm aware that as you stir the pond things do float to the surface. Things that I will have to deal with. Thoughts? Oh, I have some thoughts... but I'm concerned they don't work for everybody. Ladies? Five+ hours talking during a walk in a scenic park. Second date. You've got ten days to think it over. What's going through your heads in this situation? Let's take some temperatures here.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 4, 2022 14:10:18 GMT -5
I have the sense that we are both, separately, feeling our way in long-forgotten terrain. This isn't an unpleasant experience. One point I have been pondering... It's all very well me looking for Red Flags in her; inevitably there are some, indicative really of areas that need to be further explored, but what Red Flags am I potentially displaying? Thoughts? I've been reading hundreds of short articles about dating, what women think about men,etc... The list of "red flags from men" is quite long. At your age, and that you participated in the SM forum ,it narrows down to a few that I can remember. Women are afraid that you want someone to cook for you, to clean for you, to run the household. They fear that you are going to get sick/ill and expect them to take care of you,sacrifice their freedom for you. ( stats show that women do stay to take care of their ill/sick man more than men do for women- I forget the %) They fear you will come home from work and claim " I worked all day!" ignoring that she worked all day too and now has ALL of the household responsibilities! ( since you have lived on your own for years, that's a good sign that you are independent) They fear you will want them to give up all of their friendships, hobbies ,and family and belong exclusively to you! They fear you are going to constantly refer to your ex and live in the past. They fear you are just looking for a " booty call" and will dump them/ghost them after getting your fill! They fear you are not a 'leader' and too much of a 'nice guy- a yes dear' and that's why you ended up in a SM These are some of the top ones that readily come to mind! All of these are typical problems that occur in many marriages and relationships.
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 9, 2022 11:09:22 GMT -5
Hi Folks, Thank you for all of your responses. I apologise for not replying sooner; it's been a difficult week at work and I've been preoccupied with that. There are many wise words here that I will heed. Her being away has been a good time to reflect, to mull things over. I have reflected on my previous SM and, although I am content to be alone, I had been thinking (semi-seriously) about dating. Then this happened, very suddenly, and it has taken me aback. As we already knew each other well enough to chat, whenever we bumped into each other, the 'getting to know you' has been easier than it otherwise would have been. Hopefully, we'll be able to meet up within the next week or so. Questions, questions... I am trying to relax and reflect carefully at the same time :-).
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 9, 2022 12:58:45 GMT -5
One thing that I suggest although some here will disagree with me. I don't think it's a good idea to bring up before having sex the fact that your marriage was sexless for years. I'm a woman and if a man I was considering dating told me that, I'd avoid him. I'd think that something was wrong with him: that either he was a horrible lover or he didn't have much of a sex drive or he was so desperate for a relationship that staying in a bad one was worth it to him. Keep in mind that my point of view is of a woman who was married 34 years and at least 15 years of those were sexless. In all honesty, something was wrong with me to have stayed sexless for so long. What was wrong was that in my heart of hearts, I thought that sex was bad and I was an awful person to want it. Until I got a healthier view of sex and until I got lots of therapy to address my other problems with intimacy, I literally wasn't ready for a healthy relationship that included sex.
I've now been with post SM partner for 9 years. I didn't tell him about the sexlessness in my marriage until we had been together and frequently fucking (up to 6 times a day! I was 61, he was 60!)for about 2 months. When I told him was about 6 months after our first date. When I told him, my partner's response was -- "What the hell was wrong with your ex?"
The red flags I looked for when hearing about potential partners' past relationships were: Expressions of extreme anger or bitterness or deep sadness about the end of the relationship or blaming only the partner for the relationship problems. Another red flag is that the person can't stop talking about their ex: They clearly haven't healed. The man who is my partner now had experienced some very painful breakups including having had a former fiancee who said she was going on a solo trip abroad but really was cheating. When he told me about that, he said it broke his heart and he was devastated for a couple of years, but now looks back on it as a learning experience. He said that --as has been the case of all of his past relationships -- he learned a lot from her and is glad to have had the relationship and also is glad that he didn't stay with her.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 9, 2022 13:08:32 GMT -5
Absolutely relax. Try to have fun with dating. Everyone you date doesn't have to lead to a relationship. Dating can be about enjoying someone's one on one company for a few hours. Getting to know them. Sharing some laughs. Testing whether there is any "tension". It might help your mindset to separate your enjoyment of the dating experience from the outcome. Hi Folks, Thank you for all of your responses. I apologise for not replying sooner; it's been a difficult week at work and I've been preoccupied with that. There are many wise words here that I will heed. Her being away has been a good time to reflect, to mull things over. I have reflected on my previous SM and, although I am content to be alone, I had been thinking (semi-seriously) about dating. Then this happened, very suddenly, and it has taken me aback. As we already knew each other well enough to chat, whenever we bumped into each other, the 'getting to know you' has been easier than it otherwise would have been. Hopefully, we'll be able to meet up within the next week or so. Questions, questions... I am trying to relax and reflect carefully at the same time :-).
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 9, 2022 13:26:10 GMT -5
FWIW, when I started dating, I wasn't looking for a longterm relationship. I was looking for a guy who was honest, good in bed, had similar values, and whom I could trust to be monogamous (so as to reduce my risk of STDs) in a short term friends (so I could eventually have experiences with other men) with benefits relationship. I was happy being single. I was busy with work, hobbies, friendships, and life in general. The guy I dated had been single for about a year and also was content with his life in that he had friendships, hobbies, a job that kept him occupied. And he didn't need a woman to cook, clean, etc. To both of our surprises, we ended up being the love of each other's life.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 9, 2022 14:09:06 GMT -5
I had been thinking (semi-seriously) about dating. Then this happened, very suddenly, and it has taken me aback. I've heard many a story of people who 'give it their all' into dating and get frustrated, take a break to reflect, heal, etc... And then ....when you aren't looking, when you least expect it.....you meet that special someone!
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 9, 2022 23:43:35 GMT -5
I have to agree with letting things happen organically. It's like a watched piece of toast never pops up. Sometimes, especially for the refused, it's already happening but you don't see it. I talked to someone for three months before I realized her smile wasn't just some obligatory pleasantry. It's not like we aren't used to hollow gestures at best.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 12, 2022 18:02:58 GMT -5
Questions, questions... I am trying to relax and reflect carefully at the same time :-). Do you find this woman attractive physically? Does she turn you on sexually? Would you say that she is equal to, or better looking than your ex? If the answers are YES! Do you feel it's a great moral/ego booster? (that's been my experience after my divorce) A boost to finally feel desired, respected, capable and worthy of giving/receiving sex and intimacy again!!! Even if your new found friend/possible partner doesn't reach the sex/intimacy stage, there's the ego boost of knowing you're capable of attracting and relating to, communicating with an attractive woman!
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