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Post by northstarmom on Oct 13, 2022 14:26:06 GMT -5
"One point I have been pondering... It's all very well me looking for Red Flags in her; inevitably there are some, indicative really of areas that need to be further explored, but what Red Flags am I potentially displaying? I guess we would all like to think that we are fine, we've done the work etc. but after five+ hours of conversation I'm aware that as you stir the pond things do float to the surface. Things that I will have to deal with."
The one red flag that I'd see -- if you'd reveal that to me before we got intimate -- is that you were in a sexless marriage for so long. From my own experience I know that my being in a sexless marriage for decades was due to some of my own sexual hangups and beliefs. Otherwise, I wouldn't have stayed in it so long. Addressing my own issues -- via therapy and medication-- was what changed my life, allowing me to realize that I was normal to like and desire sex. So, if I were beginning to date a person who revealed their last relationship was a longterm sexless marriage, for me to get involved wtih them, I'd want to hear evidence that they had evolved beyond being a person who would stay in such a relationship. Their having had therapy would be a plus.
Your describing your divorce as amicable and your not expressing bitterness about your ex would be plusses in your favor, however as would be the fact that you seem to have been able to happily thrive after divorce. You don't come across as a man who can't function without a woman in his life.
What are the red flags you've noticed about her? I personally would probably not pursue a relationship with someone if I saw any redflags early on. I'd figure those would be the tip of the iceberg.
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 30, 2022 15:44:23 GMT -5
Questions, questions... I am trying to relax and reflect carefully at the same time :-). Do you find this woman attractive physically? Does she turn you on sexually? Would you say that she is equal to, or better looking than your ex? If the answers are YES! Do you feel it's a great moral/ego booster? (that's been my experience after my divorce) A boost to finally feel desired, respected, capable and worthy of giving/receiving sex and intimacy again!!! Even if your new found friend/possible partner doesn't reach the sex/intimacy stage, there's the ego boost of knowing you're capable of attracting and relating to, communicating with an attractive woman! Yes, I do find her physically attractive; she is feminine - small and slim with a pleasant face and a lovely smile. Going out with her has been a joy; unlike my ex, I am able to be completely relaxed and at ease with her. It has been a great morale boost and a revelation - things can be different!
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 30, 2022 16:10:06 GMT -5
"One point I have been pondering... It's all very well me looking for Red Flags in her; inevitably there are some, indicative really of areas that need to be further explored, but what Red Flags am I potentially displaying? I guess we would all like to think that we are fine, we've done the work etc. but after five+ hours of conversation I'm aware that as you stir the pond things do float to the surface. Things that I will have to deal with." The one red flag that I'd see -- if you'd reveal that to me before we got intimate -- is that you were in a sexless marriage for so long. From my own experience I know that my being in a sexless marriage for decades was due to some of my own sexual hangups and beliefs. Otherwise, I wouldn't have stayed in it so long. Addressing my own issues -- via therapy and medication-- was what changed my life, allowing me to realize that I was normal to like and desire sex. So, if I were beginning to date a person who revealed their last relationship was a longterm sexless marriage, for me to get involved wtih them, I'd want to hear evidence that they had evolved beyond being a person who would stay in such a relationship. Their having had therapy would be a plus. Your describing your divorce as amicable and your not expressing bitterness about your ex would be plusses in your favor, however as would be the fact that you seem to have been able to happily thrive after divorce. You don't come across as a man who can't function without a woman in his life. What are the red flags you've noticed about her? I personally would probably not pursue a relationship with someone if I saw any redflags early on. I'd figure those would be the tip of the iceberg. Thanks for this, I appreciate your thoughts on this. We have briefly discussed our ex's and there is no rancour from either of us. I haven't touched upon the sexless nature of my marriage and I will follow your advice. It is a horrible thing, that happened to all of us, but I have put it behind me. I decided to put it firmly in the past and to move on. The 'red flags' were really my 'antennae' being a bit too sensitive. I think that we are both 'proceeding with caution'; having just spent a whole day with her, I have certainly noticed an important 'green flag'. Thanks again.
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 30, 2022 16:45:24 GMT -5
Sorry for not responding sooner; my friend and I have only just met up after three weeks. We've chatted a few times over the phone but we were only able to meet up three days ago. We ended up spending the whole day together, ambling around a seaside village in the south of the Lake District (we live in the UK). It was a lovely, mild autumn day and we spent it taking in the sights, listening to curlews and sipping tea. Did I mention that I have a thing about bandstands? I think they are such glorious oddities. In one small park there was a cast iron, Victorian bandstand and as we viewed it (at my insistence) she told me of an unsatisfactory date she had been on in the past, at which point I took the opportunity to formally ask her out on a date. I wanted my intentions to be clear and I wasn't going to end up in the 'friend zone' (been there, done that). A little flustered, she said she hadn't expected that but, yes. So, this Friday we are going on our first, official, date. Whatever happens, this has been a very pleasant experience. Bye for now
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Post by jim44444 on Mar 13, 2023 13:07:51 GMT -5
Sorry for not responding sooner; my friend and I have only just met up after three weeks. ... So, this Friday we are going on our first, official, date. Whatever happens, this has been a very pleasant experience. Bye for now So how has this turned out? Are you still dating this woman or another? @angeleyes said And dinnaken said This brought to my mind the lyrics " Oh, my friend, we're older, but no wiser.For in our hearts the dream are still the same." Gene Raskin - Those Were the Days So I wonder if we ever truly change or if we finally pursue our truth that we tried to suppress to please another? I think we, the refused, have spent our lives as shapeshifters. We make ourselves into something that we believe our partners want, giving constantly but never taking what could be ours. Until we don't, when we awaken to our own needs.
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Post by Apocrypha on Mar 14, 2023 9:45:53 GMT -5
Do you find this woman attractive physically? Does she turn you on sexually? Would you say that she is equal to, or better looking than your ex? If the answers are YES! Do you feel it's a great moral/ego booster? (that's been my experience after my divorce) A boost to finally feel desired, respected, capable and worthy of giving/receiving sex and intimacy again!!! Even if your new found friend/possible partner doesn't reach the sex/intimacy stage, there's the ego boost of knowing you're capable of attracting and relating to, communicating with an attractive woman! Yes, I do find her physically attractive; she is feminine - small and slim with a pleasant face and a lovely smile. Going out with her has been a joy; unlike my ex, I am able to be completely relaxed and at ease with her. It has been a great morale boost and a revelation - things can be different! Yes, but finding her attractive and recognizing her attributes are a different thing from "Does she turn you on, sexually?" If you have tolerated a celibate relationship for a very long time (which, when I meet someone like that - is a yellow flag), it could be helpful to think about this. I have absolutely gone out with friends who I find attractive, but who don't really "turn me on" in any particular way.
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