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Post by andrew1957 on Sept 29, 2022 10:16:01 GMT -5
I have posted before a while ago about my very complex situation. I am now aged 64 and live in the southern part of England. As I come towards my later years all sorts of questions are flooding through my mind.
In summary I have been married for well over 30 years and for the bulk of this time sex has been extraordinarily rare or non existent and so by definition it has been a sexless marriage from day one. My wife also has extreme anger issues and although she has never been diagnosed (as she does not think anything is wrong with her) I strongly suspect that she suffers from BPD as she seems to meet virtually all the criteria. If it was just the two of us, I would have ended the marriage by now, but we are currently trapped by a very messy family/childcare situation and so I cannot see any exit for the next few years, by which time I will be around 70 and that just feels too late to leave a marriage and start again. And although I am still functioning on all cylinders at present I have a fear that by age 70 my sex drive will reduce and that if I don't do something soon, I will never have sex with a woman again. That thought feels very depressing.
The truth is that I did have quite a long affair with an unhappily married lady friend but the affair ended more than 8 years ago when my affair partner (still a friend) plucked up the courage to leave her own abusive and sexless marriage and is now happily in a new long term relationship. I have had a sexless life since. Whereas sex in my marriage has always been difficult, extremely rare and unsatisfying, the sex during the affair was amazing and I think that initially after 2014 I had my memories and these kept me going and just about enabled me to deal with my renewed sexlessness pretty well. I just decided to make the best of life. However, increasingly over the last year or so it feels like my head will explode if I don't have sex with someone soon. BUT even if my wife was willing (very unlikely) I just have no attraction to her now after all the years of pain and torment she has put me through. (If relevant she never knew about the affair as I have never told her).
I just don't know what to do. I am not a person who by nature thinks affairs are in any way a good thing, but what else do you do if you feel completely trapped? In truth I would love to meet a lady in the same sort of situation - perhaps trapped in a difficult and sexless marriage - rather like the lady I had the affair with was. I just find the idea of one night stands or escorts completely unattractive. I am a relationship person and I did not find it difficult to be in two relationships at once. But as I have gone along in life, I have not met anyone else in such a situation who needs respite and support. I have looked at married dating sites but never signed up as all the reviews say they are full of nutters, escorts or bots and I don't want just one night stands. I would love to meet someone that I can build a loving, caring secondary relationship with. Has anyone on here found such a thing?
Does anyone know if there is any forum for meeting other "relationship" people who are looking for connection rather than just sex.
Failing that has anyone got any idea how I cope with the explosive feelings in my head. I have a desperate need for physical touch and connection with someone who actually likes to be touched and likes to have sex. Or am I just a terrible person and should I be able to cope with these inward longings. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 29, 2022 10:40:21 GMT -5
There are on-line dating sites for people who want affairs but, unfortunately for you, there are far more men than women on such sites. However, if you do get into an affair, the people in ILIASM will have empathy for you and won't condemn you. Do keep in mind, however, that the ramifications of affairs are unpredictable and could lead to a divorce, estrangement from your family, etc. If you choose the affair route, it's best to do so after seeking advice from a lawyer. You don't need to count out divorcing after a few more years of marriage. "While the divorce rate for younger couples has started to decline, the rate of late life divorce is on the rise. Whether known as “grey” divorce or “silver” divorce, more and more older couples are un-tying the knot they tied decades ago. Initially, the term “grey divorce” referred only to men and women who divorced after being married for 40 years or more, but today, grey divorce can describe anyone over the age of 50 who finds themselves suddenly single. The Pew Research Center reported in 2017 that the divorce rate for those over the age of 50 has doubled since the 1990’s. Further, for those 65 and older, the divorce rate tripled from 1990 to 2015.... Perhaps the best statistic to remember if you are facing a grey divorce comes from an AARP survey which found that 76 percent of people divorcing later in life felt they made the right choice. So—even though getting divorced after years of marriage can be challenging, it can also be a golden opportunity for a fresh start. " www.womansdivorce.com/late-life-divorce.html |
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Post by baza on Sept 29, 2022 19:13:59 GMT -5
Have just been re-reading your old posts (back in Jan 2021) Brother andrew1957 . Since then, have you - - consulted with a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would theoretically shake out for you ? - from that information have you put together a theoretical exit strategy ? - have you shored up your support network / consulted a counsellor to theoretically help you negotiate your way forward ? - researched everything you can about shepherding any minor children (grandkids in your case) through such an event ? In short, have you created a viable alternative to staying in your ILIASM shithole ? This is NOT to suggest that you charge off to the divorce court toda - but it most definitely IS suggesting that you, like any married person, need to have a plan to cover a situation where you suddenly find yourself single .... because ALL marriages end. Divorce or death see to that fact. And if you elect to choose the cheating option, you chances of ending up divorced increase exponentially. It is by far the most adventurous choice, and largely uncontrollable. It's not something to go at half arsed. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 29, 2022 19:30:28 GMT -5
...I just don't know what to do. I am not a person who by nature thinks affairs are in any way a good thing, but what else do you do if you feel completely trapped? In truth I would love to meet a lady in the same sort of situation - perhaps trapped in a difficult and sexless marriage - rather like the lady I had the affair with was. I just find the idea of one night stands or escorts completely unattractive. I am a relationship person and I did not find it difficult to be in two relationships at once. But as I have gone along in life, I have not met anyone else in such a situation who needs respite and support. I have looked at married dating sites but never signed up as all the reviews say they are full of nutters, escorts or bots and I don't want just one night stands. I would love to meet someone that I can build a loving, caring secondary relationship with. Has anyone on here found such a thing? Does anyone know if there is any forum for meeting other "relationship" people who are looking for connection rather than just sex. ... Northstarmom (and Baza)'s advice is spot on. (Legally and emotionally prepare for impact if you are discovered. When I sought to supplement my wife's company, I had fine luck finding married partners on OKcupid. I didn't pay for it. I'm thinking the guys who pay don't take the trouble to actually prepare for messaging the ladies that pique their interest. Fair warning, I wasn't considering ladies in their mid 60's or 70's, though I accidentally saw a woman over 60 that actually was rather alluring. Not sure what kind of selection you can expect. You can specify married women only on OKcupid, which I did. I wanted my lady friend to have an extra obstacle rather than think she could make a go of breaking up my marriage. First, she'd have to break up her own. I met two ladies that way in short order, the second one made it plain she was game. I told my wife "January, after [our daughter] goes back to college, I'll be dating again. I plan to be intimate with somebody next year. I hope it's with you, but it won't be with nobody." To my astonishment, she stepped up and has stayed intimate with me for almost three years now. Living openly and honestly with your wife would be a lot less stressful and possibly give you a sense of honor/dignity that an affair doesn't, but it does let the wife choose the battle ground if she files for divorce first. If you feel you can't, no judgement here. Some ILIASM members have divorced, having decided if they stay single 'til death, that it's preferable. Then they found terrific partners, sometimes rather quickly. If it doesn't happen, you want to be content with that decision having been a good one. It need not be the best one, just good enough. |
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Post by andrew1957 on Sept 30, 2022 10:26:58 GMT -5
Thanks all. In answer to Baza yes I consulted a lawyer. That is pretty much why I have not been on here since 2021 as she said I was pretty much screwed until the younger grandchild was older (won't bore you with all the details but trust me it is very complex) - hence why I decided to stay in the marriage. After my initial posts in 2021 I made a real effort to get things back on track with the wife, even if it was just as friends. I also undertook some counselling with the aim of helping me to cope. But the upshot was that I realised that my wife is simply incapable of being civil and is frankly abusive (mainly verbally rather than physically). I doubt she can help it, as more than one counsellor has told me that what I am on the receiving end of is pretty standard for people with BPD.
And I know that perhaps it is a weakness in me but the thought of staying sexless at my age for a further 4-5 years (if I live that long) is really difficult to cope with. Equally I am torn because I always believed marriage was for life and you both had to work at it, but I feel like I have given and given and received very little in return. I shocked myself when I had the affair (I am the last person most of my friends would ever expect to have done that) but it just came about naturally as both me and the AP were at the end of our respective tethers at that time and I just did not feel guilty - even though my previous beliefs had taught me it was wrong. In fact I found the affair releasing and empowering, as I realised that after 27 years or so of sexless marriage (at that time) that I was actually quite normal, whereas my wife had always made me feel like a pervert for wanting sex (she even said that to me in 2011 when she said "you are a pervert for needing sex at your age" - I was then 54). I was gutted when the affair ended - although it was definitely the right thing for my AP to leave her marriage at that time and move on and she felt I could not leave my complex situation, so there was no future for us. I understood and we have remained friends.
But as I say although initially those memories of the affair kept me sane during the following sexless years, over the last year or so I am finding sexlessness harder than ever to deal with and also on the receiving end of frequent verbal abuse. Part of which is my wife angry that I no longer "ask" her for sex (counter refusing) but even when I have tried to initiate over the last year she has pushed me away. So it seems like the worst of all worlds as she says he wants a physical relationship and yet her actions always show me the opposite. It is very hard to get your head round.
Perhaps it is just me but I am conscious that time is running out and I would so like to be in a proper loving relationship with someone vaguely normal before I die, where occasional sex is just part of the deal. I do sometimes think life has thrown me more than my share of curve balls.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 30, 2022 12:29:34 GMT -5
andrew1957: "Perhaps it is just me but I am conscious that time is running out and I would so like to be in a proper loving relationship with someone vaguely normal before I die, where occasional sex is just part of the deal. I do sometimes think life has thrown me more than my share of curve balls."
It's running out for all of us. Time's running out was a big reason why I decided to divorce in my early 60s. I also had watched my mom be caregiver for my dad whom she'd long ago fallen out of love with but didn't want to divorce because she didn't want to be the fodder for gossip. Then, when my mom was in her 60s, my dad had a stroke that left him paralyzed and incontinent and that gave her more reason to fear what people would say if she left him. She was with him til he died and by then she had so given up on happiness for herself that she just prayed to die in her sleep. I did not want to be like my mom nor did I want to be like a refused man on this site who died, still sexless, still married.
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Post by steve1968 on Oct 2, 2022 9:22:38 GMT -5
"I will never have sex again with a woman"
Wow, does this strike a chord with me. 63 years old. Last time I had proper sex (penis in vagina) was on my 25th wedding anniversary in 2016. Maybe penis in mouth has happened 5-6 times since then. She's 5 years older than me
and has gained a ton of weight, so in my weak moments, I find myself thinking about her dying before me. And in my really weak moments, I think "how much longer?". Wow, I actually typed that. To have those thoughts, but then not have what it takes to truly deal with it makes me quite sad. I'm leaning toward escorts, but as we're basically never apart, it'll be next to impossible. I guess I feel the escort option is less likely to blow up the marriage. It's tough to be my age and in reasonably good health and able to achieve normal erections and here I sit jacking off like a teenager.
Good luck.
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Post by heelots on Oct 2, 2022 9:32:55 GMT -5
"I will never have sex again with a woman" Wow, does this strike a chord with me. 63 years old. Last time I had proper sex (penis in vagina) was on my 25th wedding anniversary in 2016. Maybe penis in mouth has happened 5-6 times since then. She's 5 years older than me and has gained a ton of weight, so in my weak moments, I find myself thinking about her dying before me. And in my really weak moments, I think "how much longer?". Wow, I actually typed that. To have those thoughts, but then not have what it takes to truly deal with it makes me quite sad. I'm leaning toward escorts, but as we're basically never apart, it'll be next to impossible. I guess I feel the escort option is less likely to blow up the marriage. It's tough to be my age and in reasonably good health and able to achieve normal erections and here I sit jacking off like a teenager. Good luck. I share your pain as it is much like my own. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 2, 2022 10:57:55 GMT -5
I'm leaning toward escorts, but as we're basically never apart, it'll be next to impossible. I guess I feel the escort option is less likely to blow up the marriage. It's tough to be my age and in reasonably good health and able to achieve normal erections and here I sit jacking off like a teenager. Good luck I feel your pain. I recently did some investigation on escorts and costs in my neck of the woods. Turns out probably 95% of them are in their mid to later 20's. Didn't see a one over age 33. And they are really expensive. Anywhere from 200 to 500 an hour. So I am ruling out escorts unless I win the lottery or something. I agree it's quite frustrating not to have access to women our age. Reading the most recent surveys doesn't offer any encouragement. (Most recent I found are still between 8 and 15 yrs in print) Only about 20% of women over age 65 are still sexually active. Then consider maybe half of them are married and that cuts the potentially available to only 10% of our age demographic. Not very good odds. |
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 2, 2022 23:23:27 GMT -5
I'm leaning toward escorts, but as we're basically never apart, it'll be next to impossible. I guess I feel the escort option is less likely to blow up the marriage. It's tough to be my age and in reasonably good health and able to achieve normal erections and here I sit jacking off like a teenager. Good luck I feel your pain. I recently did some investigation on escorts and costs in my neck of the woods. Turns out probably 95% of them are in their mid to later 20's. Didn't see a one over age 33. And they are really expensive. Anywhere from 200 to 500 an hour. So I am ruling out escorts unless I win the lottery or something. I agree it's quite frustrating not to have access to women our age. Reading the most recent surveys doesn't offer any encouragement. (Most recent I found are still between 8 and 15 yrs in print) Only about 20% of women over age 65 are still sexually active. Then consider maybe half of them are married and that cuts the potentially available to only 10% of our age demographic. Not very good odds. This might be a bit of a curve ball for someone wanting a loving relationship, but love isn't necessarily exclusive. When my first daughter was born, I loved her with all my heart. When my second daughter was born, I didn't even think about how I had already given all my love to my first daughter and there was nothing left for her. Silly, right? Marriage tends to be an exclusive relationship. Well, that didn't work out for me. I'd rather be in a complex arrangement of truly loving relationships than an exclusive one that tries to counterfeit love. By whatever name, polyamory, or multiamory, or polyphilia, there are loving relationships available for anyone seeking one, without regard to the ratios of available partners. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 7, 2022 5:54:46 GMT -5
...my wife had always made me feel like a pervert for wanting sex...my wife angry that I no longer "ask" her for sex (counter refusing) but even when I have tried to initiate over the last year she has pushed me away. ... "So, you want me to be a pervert? Or am I supposed to ask for sex I don't want? I'm confused." This won't help. But it'd be fun. Pervert or celibate. No in-between.How very BPD of her. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 7, 2022 9:15:27 GMT -5
This might be a good place to drop this in here.😝😆😆😅😅🤣🤣😆😆 Might be a relevant discussion to have when you meet potential partners (if applicable) ![]()  ...my wife had always made me feel like a pervert for wanting sex...my wife angry that I no longer "ask" her for sex (counter refusing) but even when I have tried to initiate over the last year she has pushed me away. ... "So, you want me to be a pervert? Or am I supposed to ask for sex I don't want? I'm confused." This won't help. But it'd be fun. Pervert or celibate. No in-between.How very BPD of her. |
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Post by steve1968 on Oct 8, 2022 10:44:28 GMT -5
I feel your pain. I recently did some investigation on escorts and costs in my neck of the woods. Turns out probably 95% of them are in their mid to later 20's. Didn't see a one over age 33. And they are really expensive. Anywhere from 200 to 500 an hour. So I am ruling out escorts unless I win the lottery or something. I agree it's quite frustrating not to have access to women our age. Reading the most recent surveys doesn't offer any encouragement. (Most recent I found are still between 8 and 15 yrs in print) Only about 20% of women over age 65 are still sexually active. Then consider maybe half of them are married and that cuts the potentially available to only 10% of our age demographic. Not very good odds. Yeah - I was shocked at my online research. All the women looked college aged to me. Not impossible to handle, but I'd prefer a nice 35-45 year old. Hell at this point, somewhat fit and below 70 would be OK, LOL. And wow, the prices. |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 9, 2022 9:33:44 GMT -5
I feel your pain. I recently did some investigation on escorts and costs in my neck of the woods. Turns out probably 95% of them are in their mid to later 20's. Didn't see a one over age 33. And they are really expensive. Anywhere from 200 to 500 an hour. So I am ruling out escorts unless I win the lottery or something. I agree it's quite frustrating not to have access to women our age. Reading the most recent surveys doesn't offer any encouragement. (Most recent I found are still between 8 and 15 yrs in print) Only about 20% of women over age 65 are still sexually active. Then consider maybe half of them are married and that cuts the potentially available to only 10% of our age demographic. Not very good odds. Yeah - I was shocked at my online research. All the women looked college aged to me. Not impossible to handle, but I'd prefer a nice 35-45 year old. Hell at this point, somewhat fit and below 70 would be OK, LOL. And wow, the prices. When I left, one of my criteria in a woman is that she knew who the A-Team was. She didn't have to have ever seen an episode, but just be old enough to have heard of the show. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 9, 2022 9:54:34 GMT -5
Yeah - I was shocked at my online research. All the women looked college aged to me. Not impossible to handle, but I'd prefer a nice 35-45 year old. Hell at this point, somewhat fit and below 70 would be OK, LOL. And wow, the prices. When I left, one of my criteria in a woman is that she knew who the A-Team was. She didn't have to have ever seen an episode, but just be old enough to have heard of the show. I remember that! And (correct me if i'm wrong) you also wanted someone who will be sexually active. ( very glad you found each other!!!) |
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