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Post by sweetplumeria on Dec 21, 2022 10:16:47 GMT -5
Came across this article this morning and was curious how our group would respond to it. A line that stuck out for me is; If your partner has lost interest in intimacy and romance, you most likely want to know why. Barring significant life changes such as a cancer diagnosis, or the loss of a job or loved one, which can be associated with withdrawal and depression, withdrawing affection is often a sign that the relationship is faltering. www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/why-bad-looks-good/202212/the-strongest-signs-that-a-romance-is-over?amp
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 21, 2022 12:05:30 GMT -5
I agree with everything in the article that included:
"Noticing the presence or absence of the features of intimacy noted by Park et al., such as connection, love, and self-disclosure, can make it easier to notice when your partner is disengaging. Here are a few signs.
Building boundaries. Some partners begin to withdraw by building walls instead of bridges. This may occur physically, such as when a partner seeks to spend more time in a different room, or emotionally, through decreased information sharing. However it is manifest, building boundaries is a roadblock to relational development, signaling the beginning of a future apart.
Withdrawing affection. If your partner has lost interest in intimacy and romance, you most likely want to know why. Barring significant life changes such as a cancer diagnosis, or the loss of a job or loved one, which can be associated with withdrawal and depression, withdrawing affection is often a sign that the relationship is faltering.
Seeking socialization. A partner who is gravitating towards meeting new people or attending events solo may be demonstrating a preference for singlehood. You can respectfully inquire into the reasons or rationale for the change in preference, but consider whether there will ever be an acceptable answer to the desire to spend time socializing without you."
It's also possible that both members of a couple may be taking such actions. For instance, my ex's disinterest in sex with me and his refusal to participate in treatment led to my seeking (platonic) socialization with others and spending as little time with him as I could. Meanwhile, he had stopped being emotionally intimate with me. We basically treated each other as roommates who weren't good friends. While I ended up asking for a divorce, he readily agreed to it. Apparently, he'd been quiet quitting our relationship and hoping I'd take the hint.
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Post by blunder8 on Dec 21, 2022 16:00:43 GMT -5
I recognized two of the three signs in my faltering relationship. I would add other signs I have experienced that can be grouped into a less passive, and more aggressive category:
Interrupting me continuously and trying to predict how I would finish a sentence.
Unable to have a simple disagreement over something unimportant without it becoming a heated battle.
When asked a question she didn't want to answer, would completely change the subject.
Won't invest an ounce of energy into planning a trip or event, but is quite rude in finding faults in my plans.
I could go on all day. All behaviors that say "I don't value you."
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Post by Apocrypha on Dec 22, 2022 12:42:05 GMT -5
I recognized two of the three signs in my faltering relationship. I would add other signs I have experienced that can be grouped into a less passive, and more aggressive category: Interrupting me continuously and trying to predict how I would finish a sentence. Unable to have a simple disagreement over something unimportant without it becoming a heated battle. When asked a question she didn't want to answer, would completely change the subject. Won't invest an ounce of energy into planning a trip or event, but is quite rude in finding faults in my plans. I could go on all day. All behaviors that say "I don't value you." I have often found that this part is still a relationship with a heartbeat. It DOES mean that there is a significant and deeper relationship sticking point that's not being addressed. Those sundry fights aren't about what they seem to be about. I once had a fight with my present girlfriend about what we would do with hypothetical lottery winnings, and that was after we'd just read an article about the disasters that befall lottery winners. The fight, on reflection wasn't on the winnings or counting my hypothetical money, but rather on the undergirding insecurity about who we were to each other and whether it was pointed to a permanent commitment. My answer was interpreted/imputed as pointing to less than a marriage, and that was what that fight (and others) was really about - the insecurity around this not leading to anything permanent. When stupid fights happen, it's good to get under the hood. Dive deeper.
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Post by blunder8 on Dec 22, 2022 14:47:30 GMT -5
I recognized two of the three signs in my faltering relationship. I would add other signs I have experienced that can be grouped into a less passive, and more aggressive category: Interrupting me continuously and trying to predict how I would finish a sentence. Unable to have a simple disagreement over something unimportant without it becoming a heated battle. When asked a question she didn't want to answer, would completely change the subject. Won't invest an ounce of energy into planning a trip or event, but is quite rude in finding faults in my plans. I could go on all day. All behaviors that say "I don't value you." I have often found that this part is still a relationship with a heartbeat. It DOES mean that there is a significant and deeper relationship sticking point that's not being addressed. Those sundry fights aren't about what they seem to be about. I once had a fight with my present girlfriend about what we would do with hypothetical lottery winnings, and that was after we'd just read an article about the disasters that befall lottery winners. The fight, on reflection wasn't on the winnings or counting my hypothetical money, but rather on the undergirding insecurity about who we were to each other and whether it was pointed to a permanent commitment. My answer was interpreted/imputed as pointing to less than a marriage, and that was what that fight (and others) was really about - the insecurity around this not leading to anything permanent. When stupid fights happen, it's good to get under the hood. Dive deeper. All good points and so true. Fortunately for us, we've had some great conversations recently and dug into this. We've discovered that we have both become lazy in our communications with each other, and that results in some of the chippy, abrasive interactions. I'll update more later in another thread, but I can honestly say things have taken a dramatic turn for the better, sex and otherwise. The behaviors/signs I mentioned are in the past, and will hopefully stay there. Good observations. Sorry, didn't intend to take the exit ramp on this thread and article. Very good read.
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