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Post by northstarmom on Jan 15, 2023 20:19:30 GMT -5
I'd tell her to consult with a lawyer to find out her rights and what she'd get in a divorce settlement.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 15, 2023 21:38:09 GMT -5
Perhaps you can be a mentor for your friend! You have your own story to share, however it could be better to send her texts recommending short articles about the importance of sex in a marriage. Then discuss them with her,and get her some counselling.
Sadly your friend is most likely becoming bitter, and needs a good friend like you to shed light on how her situation is only going to get worse, and all her giving and not receiving will change her for the worse.
There is always the bad example for the child to consider.
Thanks for being there for her!!! (and me)
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 16, 2023 8:18:30 GMT -5
Hi all! So, I just found out a very dear friend of mine has been living in a SM for 7 years. She is WONDERFUL. Warm, kind, hilarious, super intelligent, beautiful. Just magnetic. It’s so upsetting to learn she’s been struggling and I am trying to figure out direct I should be about the prognosis of her marriage... Her husband is much, much older and apparently has had ED since early in their marriage. They used IVF to get pregnant, and while he did have a medical procedure to try and help maintain an erection, they have no sex, no affection, nothing. He has blamed it on depression from career frustration etc, but it’s been SEVEN YEARS. They have a young child and she is very financially dependent on him right now. Honestly, I think she should make a plan to get on her feet ASAP and get divorced. What would you tell a friend in this situation? I’m not one to normally tell someone what to do with her life but...this is hopeless. Maybe she'd like to share directly here? It's not that he won't. He can't. Is outsourcing impossible? Does she otherwise like her husband? (Clinical depression can make a "Yes" challenging.) sweetplumeria is in this boat (much older breadwinning husband), maybe your friend wouldn't mind looking at her history and how she's been dealing with it.
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Post by heelots on Jan 16, 2023 21:07:42 GMT -5
Thanks! Her husband is a great guy, brilliant, and just got an amazing job after 5 years of looking which means they will make a huge move from overseas to Los Angeles this summer. I don’t think she wants to get divorced, but maybe she can outsource. She’s in her thirties, it seems complete crazy to me that she (Or he) would even consider this a permanent state of affairs. I don’t know what he would be open to or whether she has broached it. Knowing him a bit, I think it would be very hard on his sense of masculinity for his young, amazing wife to be sleeping with someone else. What worries me is not the ED but the fact that there’s no physical affection of any kind. That means something is really broken. Agreed, even if I could not get a hardon I know I would still want to perform oral regularly at least. I never tire of that. Just thinkin out loud. 🤑
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 16, 2023 23:05:19 GMT -5
Basically she thought he would be more of an equal partner in terms of all of the drudgery and labor and he’s not. Maybe part of that is being tired, but still—she feels like he promised one thing and delivered another on various topics. I'm sure she loves him...however, love is a two way street, it takes two to tango, etc.. Drudgery and labor? Being tired? promise one thing, then after the ring, delivering another? Now... we're peeling away the layers of the onion and getting to the heart of the matter!! The mask has been removed and the true relationship is showing. ( 3 yrs.is an average for the honeymoon phase (sex) to end ,or slow down. Others it can only take a year. with the big age difference it might be even less?) Did your friend go into this marriage with rose colored glasses? There's 3 sides to every story- His side, her side, and the truth. Dare I say it? Sadly I detect a level of narcissism from the H. Does the H have a previous divorce record? I wonder what the ex W's have to say? Your friend has a lot of life learning lessons to go through- through being the key! Again, fortunately you are there for her- Iron sharpens iron!
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 17, 2023 13:39:04 GMT -5
Have you considered introducing her to this site?
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jan 17, 2023 16:29:05 GMT -5
I think its amazing that your friend confides in you on such an initmate topic. What to say? Don't say anything. Just listen. That might be enough. If prompted, maybe offer up differing perspectives and choices. It might help to repeat back what you have heard. Now Im curious. Hope that we get to hear more as time allows. Hi all! So, I just found out a very dear friend of mine has been living in a SM for 7 years. She is WONDERFUL. Warm, kind, hilarious, super intelligent, beautiful. Just magnetic. It’s so upsetting to learn she’s been struggling and I am trying to figure out direct I should be about the prognosis of her marriage... Her husband is much, much older and apparently has had ED since early in their marriage. They used IVF to get pregnant, and while he did have a medical procedure to try and help maintain an erection, they have no sex, no affection, nothing. He has blamed it on depression from career frustration etc, but it’s been SEVEN YEARS. They have a young child and she is very financially dependent on him right now. Honestly, I think she should make a plan to get on her feet ASAP and get divorced. What would you tell a friend in this situation? I’m not one to normally tell someone what to do with her life but...this is hopeless.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 18, 2023 19:10:27 GMT -5
Is she seeking advice?
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 18, 2023 22:55:50 GMT -5
Just trying to figure out the right tone so that she actually talks to me about it. One thing I have told her is that there is so much shame around this topic but there shouldn’t be. As we all know too well, it’s extremely common. Extremely!
That's a very good approach to get her to feel "normal" about it.
Another good beginning approach is the " it's not you it's him".
Also the "giving and receiving. You're giving and receiving,you're just not ever going to receive what you want back ,not from him.. How long are you willing to go on that way?" " you can't just give and give, you have to get something back,your cup will be empty ( if it isn't already).
And lastly " sounds like the two of you are setting a horrible example for the kids of what a loving, caring, intimate,equal sharing, relationship ought to be".
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Post by baza on Jan 18, 2023 23:16:51 GMT -5
nyartgal . I think you could be tremendous value to this woman you refer to in your post. You have a wealth of experience in the field and your input could be very helpful as she negotiates her way through her situation. And that's the point .... it is HER situation, not mine, not yours, so unless she asked for input - or if the topic emerged in a conversation - then I'd say go ahead. If she has not asked for input - or if the topic has not come up in a conversation - then I'd leave it be.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Jan 22, 2023 17:30:02 GMT -5
Hi all! So, I just found out a very dear friend of mine has been living in a SM for 7 years. She is WONDERFUL. Warm, kind, hilarious, super intelligent, beautiful. Just magnetic. It’s so upsetting to learn she’s been struggling and I am trying to figure out direct I should be about the prognosis of her marriage... Her husband is much, much older and apparently has had ED since early in their marriage. They used IVF to get pregnant, and while he did have a medical procedure to try and help maintain an erection, they have no sex, no affection, nothing. He has blamed it on depression from career frustration etc, but it’s been SEVEN YEARS. They have a young child and she is very financially dependent on him right now. Honestly, I think she should make a plan to get on her feet ASAP and get divorced. What would you tell a friend in this situation? I’m not one to normally tell someone what to do with her life but...this is hopeless. Maybe she'd like to share directly here? It's not that he won't. He can't. Is outsourcing impossible? Does she otherwise like her husband? (Clinical depression can make a "Yes" challenging.) sweetplumeria is in this boat (much older breadwinning husband), maybe your friend wouldn't mind looking at her history and how she's been dealing with it. Sorry to quote it all, hard to quote partials on my phone. I am always happy to help if I can! I feel like I have a foot in several camps at the same time... I have stayed, I have outsourced and I have contemplated leaving. I never considered outsourcing until a friend suggested it. I actually believe in monogamy and I was extremely faithful for a solid 16 years. It has been quarterly for a long time before I finally stepped out. My husband is a narcissist and manipulator. He made me think it was my fault... pick a reason. I finally began keeping a calendar. I wasn't making it up, it was 4 times a year or less. I had to before, plead, reason, make the circumstances perfect, stroke his ego, and who knows what else to get what I needed. It was a long term friend who said, why don't you get your needs met? It was hard at first... I really believedno one would like me [now I resent wasting my 20s on a man who wants twiggy]. The problem near as I can tell is that women are labeled so cruelly for needing sex and the refusing party seems to skate around on the fidelity ice rink marter-ing themselves. It's a tough road with no good answers. I might add that it's a one way ticket. You don't get to turn backand even not deciding comes at an unsuspecting premium. I think you would do your friend well by continuing talks, offering help, and being positive. We can only change at our own speeds. I beenmarried 2?... July of 1994.... Happy to talk to anyone unless I get judged.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 23, 2023 7:50:37 GMT -5
Remind her that her situation isn't going to change until she changes it. She should get on her feet, somehow, but the laws in some states don't even require that. My ex, shari, has never had a real job in her life even after I paid her way through a Masters degree. She's never had a mortgage payment or rent or a payment for her car. She got married, recently, but is now taking me back to court because she believes I made more money than our divorce settlement showed. She NEVER got back on her feet because Illinois law doesn't require it.
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