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Post by clarkjobe on Apr 14, 2023 17:30:35 GMT -5
As to heelots and northstarmom, she likes to portray someone who is still capable of sexual um... desire? Not exactly the phrase I'm looking for there. Whether that's true or lip service I can't say. She "talks" about being a progressive Catholic, but much like feminism, what does that even mean now? Anymore saying that you're progressive (random thing here) just means that you like "some" of what it means, but you want to make up your own rules about how that pertains to you. I'm getting off topic here.
Back to what mirrorchild said, the covid stretch I can't remember if there was an argument that started it or not honestly. It's possible that she started that because of the fact that she didn't have to work for like 6 months but was still getting paid. (I could have the timeframe wrong there, it may have been less) There was also "A" different position during that time, but it was not done to be different, it was doggy so that I wouldn't breathe on her since I had to work straight through the whole thing. That was even the exact way she sold it too. So I don't know if you can really count that as a change.
Tone/yelling? not really. I actually usually royally piss her off during the argument phase because of how she frames it. I mean what exactly does she expect me to say when she's just telling me how horrible I am and that it's all my fault. (for those not versed in the whole thing, it's not stated that way directly but rather in gaslighting) So I don't actually say much if anything and that pisses her off. She makes it very clear while she's going on that it doesn't really matter how I feel about it so when she stops to say "Say something" I ask her what she wants me to say. In DSO-land that would almost sound like a "niceguy" thing, but it's actually because I know she's primed to turn anything I say against me so it's better to stare off into space.
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 21, 2023 5:53:11 GMT -5
Phone reply again so I may miss points The sex/ argument part first. The arguments almost always occur with the same structure. Where she makes me out to be be horrible, it's my own fault, I don't do x,y,z, she's tried to initiate. Seldom is there accountability taken on her part and when there is, it's in the form of; I'll try "this", but you have to x,y,z. There doesn't seem to be any change in her reaction based on the length of time. As far as the work and her extra hours, I'm constantly dropping little bits in. Last night she was talking about the priests wanting to hire a cook for 15 hours a week, she thought she'd do that. Great but she was thinking they'd maybe add 15x$15 to her salary. Cool, but then she'd work 35 at 12x20 and another 15+at $15 so works out to $465 for 50+ hours a week. That's not really impressing upon the priests that she's worth paying more. That's just telling them that she's there whenever they want her. Get a teaching job at a different school, keep the cook job, quit the teacher job at Skinflint Academy. When they claim to be shocked, she can explain that they run a school, not a restaurant, they shouldn't pay their cooks more. I'm thinking multiple jobs is our future and having two part time gigs offers huge flexibility and leverage a full time job doesn't and won't. Short of cash, add another part time job. Quit it when you can, unless they outbid one of your other two jobs. Constant employer blackmail. *sigh* a man can dream. I'm a bit worried all the "overemployed" remote workers with multiple "fulltime" jobs are going to economically swamp me and I need to switch gears. COVID: Breathe on her? Check me on this, was she trying to socially distance from her husband?
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Post by clarkjobe on Apr 21, 2023 18:56:56 GMT -5
Socially distance? Pretty much. I mean, too be fair, as I've stated she is overweight and became full diabetic with our second child so she was/ is in the high risk category. There were a few glimpses of participation I guess you could say in that time also so it was all quite disorienting really. She seemed a little more into it and during that time she accomplished something that has always been a fetish of mine and was tangible proof that she enjoyed it physically, but there was also not really any intimacy because there was no kissing etc.
As far as her employment as CCD coordinator (that's the title) she is also the wedding coordinator and has a wedding tomorrow. She gets paid a flat rate for those. Anyway, sometime following that I'm going to sit her down and see if she really understands how bad our financial situation is at the very least. Ask her if I need to continue looking for a third job and perhaps carry a sleeping bag around. (Because if I have a third job I'll likely have to sleep a few hours at a time wherever I'm at)
Before you had mentioned about college courses taking time away from us time but, us time may be forced out of the picture soon.
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 24, 2023 5:50:48 GMT -5
Sorry to hear about the money issues.
Whether you stay, outsource, or leave, though. The prep is very similar, but a bit different for you.
Generally, you want to cultivate friendships, perhaps with work, or new social circles like Meetup interest groups, investing in the kids, plan where you'll live if you leave or she divorces you when you insist on no longer being nigh-celibate. (or having an engaged intimate partner).
Getting a third job doesn't just kill "us time", it may ne killing your "me time" and any time spent bonding with the young-uns. (a bond that can be badly hurt by divorce, so might be best to strengthen first.)
If you have any time to develop a life that's mildly pleasant, you can ask yourself if outsourcing or leaving is sufficiently preferable and pursue legal advice, because outsourcing may produce a need for that, even if it's disclosed outsourcing like mine was, rather than hidden. After you're ready for disaster, you can make the call... add a lover, or leave. (If staying and accepting your current conditions is a no-go.)
Lots happens between now, and then. But just acting on your unease is invigorating, more than one ILIASM member has found.
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Post by clarkjobe on Apr 25, 2023 22:31:27 GMT -5
"Generally, you want to cultivate friendships, perhaps with work"
That's part of my current problem. These conversations with you are about the only meaningful interactions I've had for years other than with "K", and I'm about to have even less of them. My choices seem to be "work on me" or "stay out of, or at least less in, debt" I just got done working from 6AM to 8:50PM and she asked me to pick up her prescriptions on the way home, which I couldn't because they were closed by the time I stopped working. When I got home she was telling me something about some person telling her we should have gone to some specific thing, honestly I was only half listening. In he story she said something about $100 a week on groceries and I scoffed a bit at that. 100 is maybe 1 in 5. She got defensive about how she's trying to be frugal to save money and I just nodded toward my computer screen where I had a couple different screens up looking for another job.
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Post by clarkjobe on Feb 11, 2024 0:47:50 GMT -5
I had to read through the thread to remember where I left off LOL.
I'm not going to do a full post because it's late but the short version is that the cycle reset, but is still active. It was broken in a slightly different way this time but it's very much still the same cycle that will be back to a full year in early May.
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Post by jim44444 on Feb 11, 2024 8:53:10 GMT -5
I had to read through the thread to remember where I left off LOL. Yeah I had to reread the thread to remember where you came from. It was painful to hear your story. The whole Catholic bit is a disaster if followed without question. I know since my wife and I were raised Catholic. That ended when the monsignor said we must wait to get married until the baby was a year old. I told him to "Go to hell". He took offense at that. But for you clarkjobe the thing that strikes me throughout your narrative is that you seem to not speak your truth to your wife. You write that about an arguing over your dismal sex life. There is no need to argue, just state the facts. Those facts can and should include your feelings. If she disputes your facts without presenting counter facts then she is gaslighting. Your choice then is to attack her or her position. You can attack her with a calm and simple "Fuck off". Yes that will maybe cause her grief, maybe anger, or maybe she will decide to divorce you. But those are her choices, not yours. Or you can attack her position with a calm and simple " Bullshit". Then highlight the false facts she presented. This may have the same effect as above in which case you really need to consider if you have a marriage. If she is willing to consider your viewpoint then maybe you might have a chance with counseling that addresses all the problems in your marriage including the sexual. But that counseling will only work if both you and your W are willing to bare your souls and to do the work. Even then the best way forward might be on separate paths after divorce, crossing only to nurture and raise your kids.
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Post by clarkjobe on Feb 16, 2024 0:30:24 GMT -5
You are not wrong with any of what you say. For my own personal mental health as far as the marriage goes anyway. But as far as the overall picture I don't see that being a viable option. (divorce if it should come to pass that is)
At least this time around the cycle of sexlessness has occurred differently. There has still been a long period of time w/o it but it was last broken by her initiating verbally that we should. There was about three weeks after that where it was "scheduled" on Sunday night. (not sure why she picked the night before we both went back to work but que sera sera) On the fourth week though she got hungry and wanted Taco bell in the evening so she went to get herself some nachos. After getting home though she was parked in front of the house and about to get out of her car when a drunk driver hit her car so hard he flipped his car over hers and her car was pushed over the curb and down the road about 12 feet. She had nerve damage that bothered her for a few months after that to the point where she couldn't hold anything with her fingers. Obviously that was going to be a no go and completely understandable.
That was in early May and she hasn't said much about it still bothering her outside of the occasional, once a month or less, tingle in her shoulder/neck. In the mean time I've just been focusing on work, winter is an especially busy time with snow removal and sports events and summer isn't much better since that's the only time to fully clean and wax classrooms. Fall and spring are the only "slow" times and I used last fall to service all of the small engines used at work. I plan on rebuilding a Coleman minibike that I found abandoned this coming spring so I have another outlet there.
Who knows, maybe April is her month LOL. Won't be March though, were in lent now. But I'm pretty sure that for lent you're supposed to "give up" something, how do you give up what you're not having anyway? Now I'm just being petty.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 16, 2024 6:47:00 GMT -5
Who knows, maybe April is her month LOL. Won't be March though, were in lent now. But I'm pretty sure that for lent you're supposed to "give up" something, I suggest you give up celibacy...
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 16, 2024 6:58:59 GMT -5
Dang, clarkjobeLegit medical issues are the worst. Just as deprived, but justification for complaint undermined. Pain is subjective, so how can anyone know what's reasonable to demand within the constraints of societal expectation of marital monogamy? Sorry, man.
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