Post by jr on Apr 18, 2023 7:49:39 GMT -5
Hi all, after discovering this website over the weekend from a google search and reading the posts of other members; I’ve come to the realization that I will be in a sexless marriage in the future if I’m not already in one. Reflecting on our relationship I realize that my wife has had very little if any sexual attraction to me from the beginning. It’s one of those realizations that suddenly have all the signs popping up, even though they’ve always been there. it took me admitting that she doesn’t find me physically attractive for them to reveal themselves. I now believe she married me based on my emotional or financial stability or the little risk of her being hurt by someone she perceives as loving and kind.
I met my wife on vacation overseas. In the begging the sex was passionate. She always left me wanting more, as she would shut down a second go around the following day due to soreness down there. I would always manage to convince her to a second round before my two weeks’ vacation was up and that would tie me over until I could see her again. It didn't bother me that she didn't give me the whole kitchen, oral was only performed on rare occasions. But the fact that I gave it and received it made me feel like it was locked behind a curtain of commitment, so I salivated at the denial and pressed on.
While apart she never demanded my attention. I would go about my high intensity work days without a demand for attention from her. At the end when I needed that feminine energy to unwind, she was always there. I looked more and more forward to building up my vacation days as I would get to meet my love again. It didn't bother me that on the first night of meeting, at one point 9 months apart she didn't want to have sex on the first night back together. I thought maybe she's tired from flying all the way here to see me or maybe she's tired from me flying all the way there to see her^^. But alas I knew I would get it in the following day. I just had to remember, this time to go slow or I won't get it for another week. I think, if only she let me get a little taste of it, to soften her up a bit; we could be having sex every day. Yet again, I’m denied a taste of the ripe fruit. She dryly edges me into the smallest of compartment that when inside is filled with pure pleasure. The encounter is filled with passion as we both climax. I think, the only way a woman in her 30s can feel like a virgin, is from strict rules about oral and strict access to her goods. After all, the infrequent access to her just feels like a part of the courtship process.
Because of her visa situation and my type of work I can only see her for about 2 weeks 3 or 4 times a year. We went back and forth like this for years; her visiting me and me visiting her. Until I decided I must marry this woman to have unlimited access to her. It's at this point she brings up the requirement of a dowery in her culture. I asked her how much is it and she tells me it depends on the family status. At this point I remembered that her brother got married and must have had to pay this said dowery. I asked her how much he paid and agreed to pay the same amount and not a penny more. I told her that I don't have that kind of money and it would take years for me to save that amount (in hopes she would take that requirement off the table). She said its ok, she will wait for me to save it.
Two years later we got married in the most beautiful of tradition wedding ceremony in her country with a western after-party to cater to my folks who had planned on being there. The time leading up the wedding was the most time we spend together, a whopping three weeks. During this time most nights were spent drinking with her friends and barely anytime alone. UIntil I asked her out on a date followed by a night alone where for the first time and not the last, the sex felt a bit rushed. She didn't want to get hers first and then me mine. She just said finish.
After the wedding we had to sleep in the family home for 3 days with no sex until the honeymoon. 3 days later we jetted off to a 5-day 4-night honeymoon to a place she had been hinting at for years. The first night there, we didn't consummate the marriage because she was tired. Not the second night either. It wasn't until the third day that she said yes, she allowed me to orally pleasure her, but she didn't return the favor and again she didn't finish first and told me to finish. Less than a week later I was back on a plane home to begin the immigration process to have her come live with me. It just so happened that Covid-19 was declared a pandemic that same month and I didn't see my new bride until one year later.
She arrived and same thing, no sex the first night because she's tired. The second day we got it in and again just finish. At this point we talked about making a baby like we had discussed before and that I planned on changing jobs after my current contract with my employer finished. We would live in her home country for a while until I got financially situated; that would be years down the road though. A week went by and I realized she hadn't wanted it all week after I asked for it. I told her it's been a week and we have to do it more often if we’re going to have a baby. She obliges and again, 5 minutes and the request for me to finish; immediately followed by her going to the bathroom to clean herself and back to the room on her phone. No cuddling, she sleeps like an anime character; on her back with both hands stretched out. We do this until she got pregnant after which I moved to the couch because she complained that she wasn't getting good sleep with me and her in such a small bed.
9 months goes by without a peep from her about wanting sex. I was hearing from my married friends how horny she would be getting. But not once. A week before our baby was due the doctor straight up looked at us and said you all need to have sex after examining her cervix. On the way home I asked her what did she think about what the doctor said, she hit me with a grimace look of how of I'm only thinking about my pleasure. So, what if I was? After our baby was born, I still wasn't allowed to move back in the bedroom as the bed that we slept on for years before she got pregnant was suddenly too small for the both of us.
- At our baby 6 month mark I sat her down and told her that the lack of intimacy is driving us apart and that we need to sleep in the same bed and be able to cuddle with each other, not necessarily have sex.
- It would benefit our baby to wake up and see her parents together.
- She cried and asked if everything is her fault.
- What about the nights that I fell asleep on the couch and didn't come to bed?
- I said that I didn’t come to bed because I knew she wouldn’t want to cuddle with me. That she refused sex all but once a week and never initiated it herself except once.
- To which I replied, no if it’s going to be 5 minutes and over with, to which she replied it’s up to me.
- We didn’t have sex that night and that. I told her I was wrong for that and that we can do better going forward.
Weeks went by and nothing changed, I still couldn’t sleep in the same bed with her. So, I bought an air mattress to get some sleep after sleeping on the couch for over a year and started sleeping in the spare room. She would bring my daughter into the room in the mornings on weekends to play with me like we never had a conversation about sleeping in the same bed together.
Another 3 months and the start of a new year and I said something has to change. On a Saturday morning I took a shower, put on some cologne and waited for her to walk by my room. I called her and acted like I was going to whisper something in her hear then kissed her and proceed to fondle her before we had sex. I would do the same routine from my room the following weeks. No kissing, no oral, all ended after 5 minutes with the now all too familiar tap on the shoulder to finish. She then would be off to clean herself and never return. I have never felt so cheap in my life.
A couple months before my work contract was coming up on expiration, I sent her and my daughter to her home country while I went to mine to get things in order to live in hers. Two and half months apart and I returned with Victoria Secrets to start things over. The first night back she had her little niece and nephew sleep over in our bedroom. Which I didn’t mind. On the second night we were alone. I fell asleep waiting for her to come to bed, but initiated things after I woke up in the middle of the night which frustrated her. Two and a half months apart and would you believe I get the dreaded tap 5 minutes in again to finish. No kissing, no oral, no foreplay, just get it in and over with. She goes to clean and come back to the room to play on her phone. After the second night she has either had her niece, nephew or both sleeps over in our bedroom every night for the past 3 weeks. The Victoria Secrets bag is still where she left it, collecting dust.
My gut is telling me that this isn’t normal and that’s why I went to google and found you all. After the last time I feel like I will never ask my wife for sex again. It is completely devoid of any emotional connection and just feels like something she’s forced into. I don’t want to be that kind of husband. From an outside perspective that can easily be viewed as something else that I won’t mention. She has initiated it once in our 6 plus years of being together. I know my wife loves me for reasons know to her, but the fact that sex isn’t one of them breaks my heart every time I look at her. Like most of the stories I’ve read on here, my wife and I get along great. We still talk about traveling the world and spending the rest of our life together. But lately its hard to see myself spending the rest of my 30s like this, much less the rest of my life.
What do you all think about my situation? Am I overthinking my relationship? Is this normal?
I met my wife on vacation overseas. In the begging the sex was passionate. She always left me wanting more, as she would shut down a second go around the following day due to soreness down there. I would always manage to convince her to a second round before my two weeks’ vacation was up and that would tie me over until I could see her again. It didn't bother me that she didn't give me the whole kitchen, oral was only performed on rare occasions. But the fact that I gave it and received it made me feel like it was locked behind a curtain of commitment, so I salivated at the denial and pressed on.
While apart she never demanded my attention. I would go about my high intensity work days without a demand for attention from her. At the end when I needed that feminine energy to unwind, she was always there. I looked more and more forward to building up my vacation days as I would get to meet my love again. It didn't bother me that on the first night of meeting, at one point 9 months apart she didn't want to have sex on the first night back together. I thought maybe she's tired from flying all the way here to see me or maybe she's tired from me flying all the way there to see her^^. But alas I knew I would get it in the following day. I just had to remember, this time to go slow or I won't get it for another week. I think, if only she let me get a little taste of it, to soften her up a bit; we could be having sex every day. Yet again, I’m denied a taste of the ripe fruit. She dryly edges me into the smallest of compartment that when inside is filled with pure pleasure. The encounter is filled with passion as we both climax. I think, the only way a woman in her 30s can feel like a virgin, is from strict rules about oral and strict access to her goods. After all, the infrequent access to her just feels like a part of the courtship process.
Because of her visa situation and my type of work I can only see her for about 2 weeks 3 or 4 times a year. We went back and forth like this for years; her visiting me and me visiting her. Until I decided I must marry this woman to have unlimited access to her. It's at this point she brings up the requirement of a dowery in her culture. I asked her how much is it and she tells me it depends on the family status. At this point I remembered that her brother got married and must have had to pay this said dowery. I asked her how much he paid and agreed to pay the same amount and not a penny more. I told her that I don't have that kind of money and it would take years for me to save that amount (in hopes she would take that requirement off the table). She said its ok, she will wait for me to save it.
Two years later we got married in the most beautiful of tradition wedding ceremony in her country with a western after-party to cater to my folks who had planned on being there. The time leading up the wedding was the most time we spend together, a whopping three weeks. During this time most nights were spent drinking with her friends and barely anytime alone. UIntil I asked her out on a date followed by a night alone where for the first time and not the last, the sex felt a bit rushed. She didn't want to get hers first and then me mine. She just said finish.
After the wedding we had to sleep in the family home for 3 days with no sex until the honeymoon. 3 days later we jetted off to a 5-day 4-night honeymoon to a place she had been hinting at for years. The first night there, we didn't consummate the marriage because she was tired. Not the second night either. It wasn't until the third day that she said yes, she allowed me to orally pleasure her, but she didn't return the favor and again she didn't finish first and told me to finish. Less than a week later I was back on a plane home to begin the immigration process to have her come live with me. It just so happened that Covid-19 was declared a pandemic that same month and I didn't see my new bride until one year later.
She arrived and same thing, no sex the first night because she's tired. The second day we got it in and again just finish. At this point we talked about making a baby like we had discussed before and that I planned on changing jobs after my current contract with my employer finished. We would live in her home country for a while until I got financially situated; that would be years down the road though. A week went by and I realized she hadn't wanted it all week after I asked for it. I told her it's been a week and we have to do it more often if we’re going to have a baby. She obliges and again, 5 minutes and the request for me to finish; immediately followed by her going to the bathroom to clean herself and back to the room on her phone. No cuddling, she sleeps like an anime character; on her back with both hands stretched out. We do this until she got pregnant after which I moved to the couch because she complained that she wasn't getting good sleep with me and her in such a small bed.
9 months goes by without a peep from her about wanting sex. I was hearing from my married friends how horny she would be getting. But not once. A week before our baby was due the doctor straight up looked at us and said you all need to have sex after examining her cervix. On the way home I asked her what did she think about what the doctor said, she hit me with a grimace look of how of I'm only thinking about my pleasure. So, what if I was? After our baby was born, I still wasn't allowed to move back in the bedroom as the bed that we slept on for years before she got pregnant was suddenly too small for the both of us.
- At our baby 6 month mark I sat her down and told her that the lack of intimacy is driving us apart and that we need to sleep in the same bed and be able to cuddle with each other, not necessarily have sex.
- It would benefit our baby to wake up and see her parents together.
- She cried and asked if everything is her fault.
- What about the nights that I fell asleep on the couch and didn't come to bed?
- I said that I didn’t come to bed because I knew she wouldn’t want to cuddle with me. That she refused sex all but once a week and never initiated it herself except once.
- To which I replied, no if it’s going to be 5 minutes and over with, to which she replied it’s up to me.
- We didn’t have sex that night and that. I told her I was wrong for that and that we can do better going forward.
Weeks went by and nothing changed, I still couldn’t sleep in the same bed with her. So, I bought an air mattress to get some sleep after sleeping on the couch for over a year and started sleeping in the spare room. She would bring my daughter into the room in the mornings on weekends to play with me like we never had a conversation about sleeping in the same bed together.
Another 3 months and the start of a new year and I said something has to change. On a Saturday morning I took a shower, put on some cologne and waited for her to walk by my room. I called her and acted like I was going to whisper something in her hear then kissed her and proceed to fondle her before we had sex. I would do the same routine from my room the following weeks. No kissing, no oral, all ended after 5 minutes with the now all too familiar tap on the shoulder to finish. She then would be off to clean herself and never return. I have never felt so cheap in my life.
A couple months before my work contract was coming up on expiration, I sent her and my daughter to her home country while I went to mine to get things in order to live in hers. Two and half months apart and I returned with Victoria Secrets to start things over. The first night back she had her little niece and nephew sleep over in our bedroom. Which I didn’t mind. On the second night we were alone. I fell asleep waiting for her to come to bed, but initiated things after I woke up in the middle of the night which frustrated her. Two and a half months apart and would you believe I get the dreaded tap 5 minutes in again to finish. No kissing, no oral, no foreplay, just get it in and over with. She goes to clean and come back to the room to play on her phone. After the second night she has either had her niece, nephew or both sleeps over in our bedroom every night for the past 3 weeks. The Victoria Secrets bag is still where she left it, collecting dust.
My gut is telling me that this isn’t normal and that’s why I went to google and found you all. After the last time I feel like I will never ask my wife for sex again. It is completely devoid of any emotional connection and just feels like something she’s forced into. I don’t want to be that kind of husband. From an outside perspective that can easily be viewed as something else that I won’t mention. She has initiated it once in our 6 plus years of being together. I know my wife loves me for reasons know to her, but the fact that sex isn’t one of them breaks my heart every time I look at her. Like most of the stories I’ve read on here, my wife and I get along great. We still talk about traveling the world and spending the rest of our life together. But lately its hard to see myself spending the rest of my 30s like this, much less the rest of my life.
What do you all think about my situation? Am I overthinking my relationship? Is this normal?