eliz75
Junior Member
Posts: 24
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Post by eliz75 on May 30, 2023 6:51:30 GMT -5
I am almost 48, on my 2nd marriage. My husband has also been married before. When we met 13 years ago, I was just getting out of my marriage that I had been in since I was 17. My ex is a narcissist but still wanted sex, after calling me names.
My now husband and I had sex ALOT when we were first dating. He was working 2 hours away from me, I shared my kids with my ex so I had ample time to meet up with him and stay overnight. We would have sex several times a day. The chemistry was intense. His uncle passed while we were dating and it really had an affect on him. He told me that he didn't think he was in love with me and that all he wanted to do was "f*ck my brains out". This was after months of telling me he loved me.
So I gave him space and we ended up continuing our relationship. After this point, we moved in together and we met each others children at 1 year of dating. Our sex life was great up until the moment he moved into my apartment with me. It was like he was no longer worried about if he didn't have sex with me, I could do it with someone else.
We have been together now 13 years, married 10, and have an almost 10 year old daughter. During our time when he and I were trying to have our daughter our sex life was 2-3 times a month. Once I got pregnant, we didn't have sex often because I was sick with her for the first few months and once I was bigger it wasn't that great. He seemed to be caring that I was miserably pregnant, or so I thought.
At one point, I used to ask for sex. He told me that it was unattractive for me to beg for sex. I thought it was ridiculous I would event have to ask. We've had many conversations, I have tried to be understanding. He swore a few years ago, he has ED. Then the month after I accidentally found out he had a prescription for viagra, we had sex 5 times that month, which never happened.
Then it was back to every 4-6 weeks. He had the prescription for awhile. Then after my hysterectomy surgery last year, 9 weeks of waiting for sex by dr's orders, which he swore he wouldn't be able to wait. It was months later we had sex. I then one day decided to look for the bottle that had 19 pills prior to my surgery and the pills were gone. He didn't know I had been counting them weekly. I had so much going on with surgery and dr's visits that I didn't for a couple months.
My friend said I should ask him what happened to the pills but he was basically hiding them on top of our fridge. Now they are gone and we've had sex once maybe twice ( I try not to think about it) this year. I hold out as long as I can hoping but he never seems to care. Our relationship, is roommates who are married. He tells me all the time that I'm always angry and I need to "just be happy". I am angry because I feel unattractive and unwanted.
I don't know any woman personally who is in the situation I am. My friends brag how they have to turn their husbands away and it personally makes me want to cry. I have one friend who knows what is going on but she can't relate because she is the refuser in her marriage. Her situation is a little different because her spouse is physically and mentally abusive and was cheating when she wasn't refusing him. So once she caught him cheating, she started refusing him so as not to contract a disease.
I often wonder if my husband is cheating because it seems so crazy to me that a man who tells you he loves you daily and calls you sexy wouldn't want to have sex with you. When he calls me sexy I just respond with "apparently not". I have told him how our lack of sex makes me feel. He use to tell me "cuddling is enough for me" or "sex isn't everything." Now he doesn't even offer up excuses anymore. I have stopped asking until I am so frustrated that I literally want to cheat, then I will bring it up and we will have sex. It use to be great, now it's mediocre at best which makes me feel worse. I feel like it's pity sex.
What makes it all worse, is I still love him. I just resent the hell out of him. We just had a 3 day holiday weekend and he didn't even kiss me or show me affection at all until last night, he kissed me before he headed off to bed. This is even a rare occasion now. We either sit on opposite ends of the couch on our phones, he has his ALWAYS. I just have mine, so I don't think about what a miserable life I am leading. I tried to find a interest in common for us so we bought a jeep to go trial riding. So now we are sexless, roommates who go trial riding. Of course, he acts like everything is fantastic with us when we are around other people.
I joined an all girl jeep club and started heading that up to take my mind off this situation. He just had complaints it took up too much of my time. So not only does he not want my time, he doesn't want me to focus on anything but him. I often wonder if he isn't trying to make me so miserable I just leave.
I have told him we should sleep in separate rooms/beds and he gets angry and tells me to "shut up". I told him it works for his parents, why not us. I really don't know why he wants to sleep next to me because for this year, he has positioned a pillow between us so I can't get too close. He says he uses it so his shoulder (which he broke a few years ago) doesn't hurt at night. We have separate covers because I don't want to know he has a hard-on while he is sleeping anymore, it just makes me feel worse about myself. I have now put on about 30 pounds and just feel horrible about myself. I get absolutely no complaints at all. I can try or not try, he could absolutely care less either way.
He still texts me multiple times a day, telling me he loves me and sometimes calling me sexy or that he misses me. I just text back whatever he is expecting because starting a conversation, ignoring him etc, just makes day to day life more miserable. I really don't know how to imagine a life without affection or sex. I have tried to take care of it myself but it makes me want to have sex with him more. I am just stuck. I can't leave and obviously I am not ready to do so because I am putting up with this.
If we could get out of this marriage and stay friends, we would be great as friends. That won't happen. I also won't go through another divorce, while I have a young kid with him. Lessons learned from my previous marriage and he would just never be apart of our daughters life. I know he would just walk away. If he did see her, there would be some other woman around my daughter and after my first experience with that with my ex, I can't do it. I guess maybe that's why I am staying more than anything else. What's 8 years, it's been 10.
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Post by deadzone75 on May 30, 2023 10:42:12 GMT -5
I'm going to go back to the start here. Him telling you that he didn't think he was in love and just wanted to "fuck your brains out"...that was the time to jump ship. It was also probably the last time he's told you the truth. Is he cheating? Probably. He doesn't seem like the kind of person to give a shit how you're feeling, which means his texting throughout the day is his guilty conscious. The real truth is, as you already know, in his phone. But do you really want to know if you aren't ready to leave? If he's the kind of guy to just walk away from your daughter if you got divorced, then he's an awful person/parent anyway, and your daughter would probably be just fine without him. The main thing is to take care of you now. If you're going to stay, you must enter survival mode, whatever that means for you. The last 5 of my 17 years of SM saw me change who I was multiple times, and I almost didn't come back from some dark places. Don't let ANYONE have that kind of power over you. Realize you can't make any person want to have sex with you if they don't. Also, you say you would be great friends if you weren't married, but would you, though? I mean, if the guy would just abandon his kid after a divorce, and after he told you a decade ago that he only wanted you around for sex?
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eliz75
Junior Member
Posts: 24
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Post by eliz75 on May 30, 2023 11:35:32 GMT -5
I guess I meant to say, we would be great friends if we had never gotten married or had a relationship as he is a "nice" person to other people. He chases after his other kids, with his ex wife but they have never wanted anything to do with him.
You think he is cheating because? Our relationship changed once his uncle passed. It became less sexual and more "loving" so to speak. I believe he wouldn't make seeing our daughter a priority because he knows I take care of her and he isn't even need in her life in that aspect.
I won't leave while she is little because I won't do the kid sharing thing ever again. Not having control over who is around your child is a horrible feeling. I am not talking about him just being with another woman. My ex husband was with a horrible woman who abused my children, and refused them access to the food I paid child support to provide when they were with their dad. I am sorry I will sacrifice myself to know that won't happen to my youngest. He isn't a great father most times but he is ok some of the time. Is that an excuse, no just facts.
Our sex life was the best part of our relationship for a long time. I was ok with that as I am financially independent. Our marriage has had other problems, to include his refusal to be emotionally and financially supportive to me. He's allowed his kids to destroy what little piece of our marriage we had left. So I clung to the sex and now that's gone.
But just like always, he has called me 2 times this morning just to say stupid stuff about his job and talk like we are great friends. It always ends with "I love you baby". I can't see how that's true. I guess he is using that to keep me in line.
He literally wouldn't have the secure life that he has financially without me. He now owns his own home due to being married to me and we have cars, vacation, and a newly bought camper. If I am gone he would not be able to live the life we do know and I guess that's enough for him.
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Post by deadzone75 on May 30, 2023 14:44:43 GMT -5
This definitely paints a better picture of him. Keep in mind I always assume the worst, but if he's clinging to his phone as if it were life itself, that's where you'll find out if he's cheating. Does he leave it out in the open if he's in the shower? If he doesn't, I guarantee he's cheating. Also, it's telling that without your income, he'd be up shit creek without a paddle. This explains why he is sure to tell you how much he loves you, the hollow word treatment, because in his mind that's enough to keep you in the relationship while not having to bother with sex...which was the entire basis for your relationship, at least a decade ago, according to him. Telling someone they don't think you love them is the ultimate truth. You don't just throw it out there unless you mean it. It has all the impact and awfulness of telling someone you hate them. You can't take it back, and you can't ever forget it. That is just terrible, and I'm sorry you were the recipient of that comment.
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Post by baza on May 31, 2023 0:33:43 GMT -5
Just been reading all the posts you've made Sister eliz75 . Like most stories here your narrative comes across as describing a plain old dud marriage with sex being just one of assorted issues going on. Sorry to see you here, but welcome. Suggestions - (if you haven't already done so yet) - Consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would theoretically shake out for you - Within that legal frame work, start putting together a theoretical exit strategy - Shore up your support network and maybe engage an individual counsellor to help you unpack the situation. - Research everything you can find concerning shepherding any minor children through such a theoretical scenario. This commits you to precisely nothing, but it does provide you with an alternative to your current circumstances - which you may or may not use now or later on. There is a level of comfort to be had in having a do-able exit strategy in your pocket whether you end up enacting it, or not. All marriages end, divorce or death see to that truth, and any married person whether the marriage is 'made in heaven' or an 'ILIASM shithole' needs some sort of plan to cover a scenario where they are no longer married. In an ILIASM deal, the need is a bit more urgent. Again, welcome. Hope you get some value out of the group.
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Post by mirrororchid on May 31, 2023 6:34:01 GMT -5
Glad Baza posted. The initial course of action for very many ILIASM members is to build a life that does not rely on the marriage. It's telling that even your distraction by a hobby gets him to pay attention to you. Seems like every time he did, you dropped the independent life you started? Seems like you may enjoy undertaking a busy life with very little to spare for him. He complains you don't have enough time for him when you do that, but then you spend the spare time you make on teh couch looking at your phones. How can he demand that low quality time be a replacement for your girls' jeep club. If he wants m0roe time with you, can some of it be devoted to what you'd like to do with it?
You had that sexless friend of yours. The wife seemed interested in encouraging the friendship. Did that get cut off after your husband said teh two of you were getting uncomfortably close? If not, it's not impossible that your friend's wife would like for him to get his needs met and a married woman seems safe. It does happen. Not sure how much say your husband gets if he's indulging you, half-assed, four times a year. If he wants your sexuality to be his alone, he needs to use/take it.
While his phone may reveal all to you, I'm not sure it'll tell you anything that would change your life much. Would an affair trigger divorce? Given your distaste for marriage afterwards, maybe it wouldn't matter. If sex were off the table, would you be suitable housemates? If he knew the income was going to stick around, maybe the suspicious love entreaties would stop. Maybe that would be worse in the end. Tough to know before it happens. You describe a very comfortable life, but passionless (for you, we don't know about him). If you added passion from outside, would it conceivably be a good situation? This would likely require your no longer giving his approval much consideration. You wouldn't be asking to take a lover, you just would. Possibly openly. Perhaps discreetly if that would help his situation, and not cramp your style too badly.
You said, "It was like he was no longer worried about if he didn't have sex with me, I could do it with someone else. " How so? How was this conveyed?
As Baza indicated, divorce information can help with some of the decisions. Is adultery a factor in divorce settlements? If so, could you divorce, but keep it a secret, then pursue romance as a single person that no one knows is single. I find it possible he does have a girlfriend and a secret divorce might suit him fine. It may be that saving his marriage protects him from marriage to her. He may be effing her brains out, but sees no future in it. The missing ED pills may be for her.
You say you were hot n' heavy when trying to get pregnant. Was the kid his idea? What about the marriage? You were late thirties, so it had to be fast. Interest cratered when you were no longer fertile. He needs ED medicine for his female wife. Any chance you live in an area that is "traditional" in its culture. Longshot here... could his girlfriend be a boyfriend? My wife's ex was. He was actually a rather attentive lover for her, remarkable stamina that taught her things about her own body. He left her, and soon partnered with a guy. So, gay men can be good hetero lovers. They may not know until another man seduces them. A "traditional" culture would also make your taking a lover reduce him immensely in the eyes of the community, far more than any philandering he's doing that has been discovered. "Good, Christian communities" recognize men are dogs and put up with it, but hold a double standard with an iron-grip. He doesn't want teh cuckold rep? He knows what he can do to stop it. And no "phoning it in", either! Telling your husband about a lover doesn't fit in such cultures. Weirdly, such "conservative" culture prefers affairs to open marriage. Does he care enough about "tradition" to fulfill the expectations of the image he wants to portray to the public?
As for attention to your kid, you say his kids will have nothing to do with him. That can be largely a result of alienation/hostility form the ex. It might be well-deserved, but if you don't go toxic on him, he might remain the "okay" dad he is now. What would emotional support look like? The phone calls aren't doing teh trick. What can he do on that score, other than the obvious? Would everything but the obvious be enough to make it through the eight years? If not, should you bother to ask?
Finally , you said, "He's allowed his kids to destroy what little piece of our marriage we had left." How?
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eliz75
Junior Member
Posts: 24
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Post by eliz75 on May 31, 2023 7:17:12 GMT -5
Glad Baza posted. The initial course of action for very many ILIASM members is to build a life that does not rely on the marriage. It's telling that even your distraction by a hobby gets him to pay attention to you. Seems like every time he did, you dropped the independent life you started? Seems like you may enjoy undertaking a busy life with very little to spare for him. He complains you don't have enough time for him when you do that, but then you spend the spare time you make on teh couch looking at your phones. How can he demand that low quality time be a replacement for your girls' jeep club. If he wants m0roe time with you, can some of it be devoted to what you'd like to do with it? You had that sexless friend of yours. The wife seemed interested in encouraging the friendship. Did that get cut off after your husband said teh two of you were getting uncomfortably close? If not, it's not impossible that your friend's wife would like for him to get his needs met and a married woman seems safe. It does happen. Not sure how much say your husband gets if he's indulging you, half-assed, four times a year. If he wants your sexuality to be his alone, he needs to use/take it. While his phone may reveal all to you, I'm not sure it'll tell you anything that would change your life much. Would an affair trigger divorce? Given your distaste for marriage afterwards, maybe it wouldn't matter. If sex were off the table, would you be suitable housemates? If he knew the income was going to stick around, maybe the suspicious love entreaties would stop. Maybe that would be worse in the end. Tough to know before it happens. You describe a very comfortable life, but passionless (for you, we don't know about him). If you added passion from outside, would it conceivably be a good situation? This would likely require your no longer giving his approval much consideration. You wouldn't be asking to take a lover, you just would. Possibly openly. Perhaps discreetly if that would help his situation, and not cramp your style too badly. You said, "It was like he was no longer worried about if he didn't have sex with me, I could do it with someone else. " How so? How was this conveyed? As Baza indicated, divorce information can help with some of the decisions. Is adultery a factor in divorce settlements? If so, could you divorce, but keep it a secret, then pursue romance as a single person that no one knows is single. I find it possible he does have a girlfriend and a secret divorce might suit him fine. It may be that saving his marriage protects him from marriage to her. He may be effing her brains out, but sees no future in it. The missing ED pills may be for her. You say you were hot n' heavy when trying to get pregnant. Was the kid his idea? What about the marriage? You were late thirties, so it had to be fast. Interest cratered when you were no longer fertile. He needs ED medicine for his female wife. Any chance you live in an area that is "traditional" in its culture. Longshot here... could his girlfriend be a boyfriend? My wife's ex was. He was actually a rather attentive lover for her, remarkable stamina that taught her things about her own body. He left her, and soon partnered with a guy. So, gay men can be good hetero lovers. They may not know until another man seduces them. A "traditional" culture would also make your taking a lover reduce him immensely in the eyes of the community, far more than any philandering he's doing that has been discovered. "Good, Christian communities" recognize men are dogs and put up with it, but hold a double standard with an iron-grip. He doesn't want teh cuckold rep? He knows what he can do to stop it. And no "phoning it in", either! Telling your husband about a lover doesn't fit in such cultures. Weirdly, such "conservative" culture prefers affairs to open marriage. Does he care enough about "tradition" to fulfill the expectations of the image he wants to portray to the public? As for attention to your kid, you say his kids will have nothing to do with him. That can be largely a result of alienation/hostility form the ex. It might be well-deserved, but if you don't go toxic on him, he might remain the "okay" dad he is now. What would emotional support look like? The phone calls aren't doing teh trick. What can he do on that score, other than the obvious? Would everything but the obvious be enough to make it through the eight years? If not, should you bother to ask? Finally , you said, "He's allowed his kids to destroy what little piece of our marriage we had left."How? He was the one who "convinced" me to marry him and have a kid with him. I am a traditional person and if I was to find someone that met my sex needs, I'd leave. I did one time in my prior marriage to my ex, have a brief affair after telling him I wanted a divorce. It left me feeling bad. I wanted more. For me, maybe not all women, sex is the connection along with the act. Emotional support, first off, listening to me. He doesn't seem interested to hear about my day truly or if I am frustrated. He will ask "hows your day going" but it's just one of those things he believe he is supposed to ask so he does. If I say fine, the conversation continues, if I am upset and want to vent about my day or job, he is quick to cut me off or if on the phone, he magically has to go but will call me back 10 minutes later. The frequent calls are in my opinion a mask to prove to me that things haven't changed in our relationship. They are about nothing or whatever he wants to talk about. I have suspected cheating for years. I did at one point find when our daughter was less than a year old, a string of emails of him chatting with a woman who definitely knew I existed. I lost my shit on him. Nothing was pointing of necessarily an affair only the emotional kind. I don't think I'd find anything on his phone because once that happened, I'm sure he learned how to conceal anything he didn't want me to find. His kids have treated me poorly, called me all sorts of names and set out to make as much trouble as they could at initially direction of his ex wife. I have tried several times to be "nice" or fix the relationship with them. They will pretend to like me, to get something from me, like me taking them on a girls weekend beach trip with my two girls. Once that's over they go back to distain for me and the oldest told him about 5 years ago, I was the reason she wanted to kill herself. Mind you this girl only came to our house 6 times a year. He puts them above me, our daughter and everything. I know some will say that they are his kids and that's fine but it's not. I mean even the small things, we went to his aunts funeral, his oldest wanted to go with us. I said ok but I told him, I didn't want her to go with us but saying no would just cause a fight. She is currently 19 and could have drove herself. She knew if she went with us, he would pay for her to eat twice that day since it was a few hours away. She followed him around like a puppy. She made sure to stand in between us and even attempted to sit between us at the service, other people were looking so he made her move down for me to sit beside him. To me that's telling that he isn't seeing me as his wife. This kid and his other daughter have been purposely putting themselves in between him and I, but also between him and our daughter. It's like they have been attempting to claim him for years. I have backed off, when his kids come, I go to the bedroom to watch tv, I rarely will eat with them because when I do, his oldest sits beside him and I am forced to sit at the end of the table. Maybe that means nothing but we always sit a certain way a the dinner table, so I see it as she is trying to take my place. She knows where everyone sits, she is doing it on purpose. He also doesn't like chicken and will be obviously upset if I make it. When she shows up he happily eats, buys and cooks chicken with a smile on his face. I know some of it seems trivial but it's a build up of all the things over the years. I have diary's full of stuff that has happened, yes sitting right out where he could easily read it. He isn't interested on how I truly feel, I get told at least weekly, " stop being upset over trivial stuff, just chose to be happy". And by trivial stuff, he means other people talking crap about me, his kids acting they way they do and our relationship or lack there of.
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eliz75
Junior Member
Posts: 24
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Post by eliz75 on May 31, 2023 7:19:09 GMT -5
Just been reading all the posts you've made Sister eliz75 . Like most stories here your narrative comes across as describing a plain old dud marriage with sex being just one of assorted issues going on. Sorry to see you here, but welcome. Suggestions - (if you haven't already done so yet) - Consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would theoretically shake out for you - Within that legal frame work, start putting together a theoretical exit strategy - Shore up your support network and maybe engage an individual counsellor to help you unpack the situation. - Research everything you can find concerning shepherding any minor children through such a theoretical scenario. This commits you to precisely nothing, but it does provide you with an alternative to your current circumstances - which you may or may not use now or later on. There is a level of comfort to be had in having a do-able exit strategy in your pocket whether you end up enacting it, or not. All marriages end, divorce or death see to that truth, and any married person whether the marriage is 'made in heaven' or an 'ILIASM shithole' needs some sort of plan to cover a scenario where they are no longer married. In an ILIASM deal, the need is a bit more urgent. Again, welcome. Hope you get some value out of the group. I am aware of what needs to be done to prepare for leaving if I chose to do it. I know he won't fight me, which is what really hurts. I had a horrible marriage and divorce prior to this one. This marriage is bare-able, my first was not but I still stated 17 years.
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eliz75
Junior Member
Posts: 24
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Post by eliz75 on May 31, 2023 7:21:37 GMT -5
This definitely paints a better picture of him. Keep in mind I always assume the worst, but if he's clinging to his phone as if it were life itself, that's where you'll find out if he's cheating. Does he leave it out in the open if he's in the shower? If he doesn't, I guarantee he's cheating. Also, it's telling that without your income, he'd be up shit creek without a paddle. This explains why he is sure to tell you how much he loves you, the hollow word treatment, because in his mind that's enough to keep you in the relationship while not having to bother with sex...which was the entire basis for your relationship, at least a decade ago, according to him. Telling someone they don't think you love them is the ultimate truth. You don't just throw it out there unless you mean it. It has all the impact and awfulness of telling someone you hate them. You can't take it back, and you can't ever forget it. That is just terrible, and I'm sorry you were the recipient of that comment. He usually has it in his hand, pocket or within line of sight. He leaves it in the bathroom or the bedroom charger when in the shower but it has a passcode on his phone. Of course he says it does so that if it's dropped on his jobsite (construction) no one can get his personal details. Why would he need to cheat? That's what I ask myself. If you have a willing partner at home. Maybe don't even want to know.
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Post by worksforme2 on May 31, 2023 8:44:09 GMT -5
He usually has it in his hand, pocket or within line of sight. He leaves it in the bathroom or the bedroom charger when in the shower but it has a passcode on his phone. Of course he says it does so that if it's dropped on his jobsite (construction) no one can get his personal details. Why would he need to cheat? That's what I ask myself. If you have a willing partner at home. Maybe don't even want to know. Why would he want to cheat? There are numerous reasons people choose sex outside the marriage. From reading your posts I would conjecture that if he is cheating it is because he doesn't love you. He see you as a good roommate, house keeper and source of income. You make possible the things he could not have if you were not in the picture. But he isn't sexually attracted to you. Most of us here have ask ourselves why our spouses choose (chose) not to be intimate with us. We want it and we want it often. But they don't. In my own case I think menopause played the major role in the demise of our intimacy. Along with the support of her girlfriends, most of whom were then and are now without partners, she decided we were past the time for it. I am afraid that like me if you still want intimacy in your life it will of necessity have to come from somewhere other than your spouse. If that idea does not appeal to you then you are left with 2 choices. Stay and expect things to continue as they are, or seperate and still continue to be sexless in all probability. Sorry, but that's the way it reads from my vantage point.
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Post by deadzone75 on May 31, 2023 10:25:44 GMT -5
This definitely paints a better picture of him. Keep in mind I always assume the worst, but if he's clinging to his phone as if it were life itself, that's where you'll find out if he's cheating. Does he leave it out in the open if he's in the shower? If he doesn't, I guarantee he's cheating. Also, it's telling that without your income, he'd be up shit creek without a paddle. This explains why he is sure to tell you how much he loves you, the hollow word treatment, because in his mind that's enough to keep you in the relationship while not having to bother with sex...which was the entire basis for your relationship, at least a decade ago, according to him. Telling someone they don't think you love them is the ultimate truth. You don't just throw it out there unless you mean it. It has all the impact and awfulness of telling someone you hate them. You can't take it back, and you can't ever forget it. That is just terrible, and I'm sorry you were the recipient of that comment. He usually has it in his hand, pocket or within line of sight. He leaves it in the bathroom or the bedroom charger when in the shower but it has a passcode on his phone. Of course he says it does so that if it's dropped on his jobsite (construction) no one can get his personal details. Why would he need to cheat? That's what I ask myself. If you have a willing partner at home. Maybe don't even want to know. I guess there is truly one way to find out, if you decide you really want to know. Ask him to unlock his phone so you can look at his pictures and texts. You'll have your answer immediately if the request is met with resistance. If he unlocks it and hand it over, you don't even need to look. Of course, he'll whine about you not trusting him, and you have the legitimate stance of...well, you aren't fucking me, and you once said you were only with me to fuck me. In this situation, he holds no cards. What's he going to do, leave? He's got it made right now, and he knows it. He won't want to compromise what he is being provided. Make him prove that all these "love you, baby" lines are worth something.
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Post by mirrororchid on May 31, 2023 19:47:54 GMT -5
He was the one who "convinced" me to marry him and have a kid with him. I am a traditional person and if I was to find someone that met my sex needs, I'd leave. I did one time in my prior marriage to my ex, have a brief affair after telling him I wanted a divorce. It left me feeling bad. I wanted more. For me, maybe not all women, sex is the connection along with the act. Emotional support, first off, listening to me. He doesn't seem interested to hear about my day truly or if I am frustrated. He will ask "how's your day going" but it's just one of those things he believe he is supposed to ask so he does. If I say fine, the conversation continues, if I am upset and want to vent about my day or job, he is quick to cut me off or if on the phone, he magically has to go but will call me back 10 minutes later. The frequent calls are in my opinion a mask to prove to me that things haven't changed in our relationship. They are about nothing or whatever he wants to talk about. I have suspected cheating for years. I did at one point find when our daughter was less than a year old, a string of emails of him chatting with a woman who definitely knew I existed. I lost my shit on him. Nothing was pointing of necessarily an affair only the emotional kind. I don't think I'd find anything on his phone because once that happened, I'm sure he learned how to conceal anything he didn't want me to find. His kids have treated me poorly, called me all sorts of names and set out to make as much trouble as they could at initially direction of his ex wife. I have tried several times to be "nice" or fix the relationship with them. They will pretend to like me, to get something from me, like me taking them on a girls weekend beach trip with my two girls. Once that's over they go back to distain for me and the oldest told him about 5 years ago, I was the reason she wanted to kill herself. Mind you this girl only came to our house 6 times a year. He puts them above me, our daughter and everything. I know some will say that they are his kids and that's fine but it's not. I mean even the small things, we went to his aunt's funeral, his oldest wanted to go with us. I said ok but I told him, I didn't want her to go with us but saying no would just cause a fight. She is currently 19 and could have drove herself. She knew if she went with us, he would pay for her to eat twice that day since it was a few hours away. She followed him around like a puppy. She made sure to stand in between us and even attempted to sit between us at the service, other people were looking so he made her move down for me to sit beside him. To me that's telling that he isn't seeing me as his wife. This kid and his other daughter have been purposely putting themselves in between him and I, but also between him and our daughter. It's like they have been attempting to claim him for years. I have backed off, when his kids come, I go to the bedroom to watch tv, I rarely will eat with them because when I do, his oldest sits beside him and I am forced to sit at the end of the table. Maybe that means nothing but we always sit a certain way a the dinner table, so I see it as she is trying to take my place. She knows where everyone sits, she is doing it on purpose. He also doesn't like chicken and will be obviously upset if I make it. When she shows up he happily eats, buys and cooks chicken with a smile on his face. I know some of it seems trivial but it's a build up of all the things over the years. I have diary's full of stuff that has happened, yes sitting right out where he could easily read it. He isn't interested on how I truly feel, I get told at least weekly, " stop being upset over trivial stuff, just chose to be happy". And by trivial stuff, he means other people talking crap about me, his kids acting they way they do and our relationship or lack there of. The drive to have a child seems like he was looking for the family achievement medal, but then wanted to indulge whatever tastes weren't being met. Seems like a bad strategy to me, but he didn't call me for advice. I assume your affair was a secret. Was it the deception, the hiding, that made you feel bad? Opening the marriage lacks the deception. The breaking of the vows can be a real disincentive as well. Dallasgia said she could not have a lover on the side. Not even one she cared about deeply. She wants to be married to that lover. Maybe you're in that boat. Emotional support. Listening. Got it. Doesn't seem a high bar. It also doesn't sound like he's much invested, sorry to agree. Might be for the best, not to bother snooping. Would it change your plans? Always be aware that the phone you see need not be the one he texts/talks with girlfriends on. Since emotional support is one of your disappointments, I can see how an emotional affair could be pretty powerfully bad too. I had to wonder does the ex and/or the kids want him back and they figure knifing you is a method? Sorry to hear your efforts go unappreciated. Ever try inviting one at a time? Invite whoever is nicer more often? Maybe alone, they'll be less bold about their brattitude. Maybe start with teh one who you don't "make suicidal". She seems to have the early lead. Weakest link, maybe. Putting his two older daughters above the one you had together is odd. Does he put your collective daughter above you? Might the older daughters' hostility leave him trying to overcompensate. He's busting tail trying to "fix" things, just like you did, when they don't want it fixed so his attention is endlessly dominated? The weak link strategy might help him too. Their sabotage efforts seem transparent. Is your husband oblivious? Or just hopelessly bent on breaking through their resistance and alienating you in the process? Perhaps he finds their juvenile sniping to be so obvious that you should dismiss it as immature? But it hurts too much? Older daughter visits 6 times a year? For a day? A week? Younger visits more than that? It sounds like things aren't great for your daughter when they visit. If their visits are brief, is that a time for a mother-daughter road trip? Or would your husband get eaten alive by your stepdaughters without you and your daughter there as buffer and targets to take on some of the abuse? Going it alone might, by necessity, make him change tactics to something less enabling. Maybe. Would he feel abandoned? Would he be relieved at not watching you take on punishment from his flesh and blood? He gets perturbed when you acquire hobbies and friends that take up substantial time. But you say he wouldn't fight a divorce. There's something not adding up. I'm starting to develop an odd picture here. One not so much a narcissist, but a terrified, self-loathing man over his head, running away from his life. Blames himself, can't think how to fix it, can't confess his fear and shame. Might be immersing himself in something (is he a drinkin' man?) or someone unhealthy as distraction from what he sees as a series of mistakes. You're in pain, he feels responsible. He's not handling matters with his ex and daughters well. Maybe you'll fill in the blanks where some or all of this just doesn't match up.
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eliz75
Junior Member
Posts: 24
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Post by eliz75 on Jun 1, 2023 6:41:35 GMT -5
He usually has it in his hand, pocket or within line of sight. He leaves it in the bathroom or the bedroom charger when in the shower but it has a passcode on his phone. Of course he says it does so that if it's dropped on his jobsite (construction) no one can get his personal details. Why would he need to cheat? That's what I ask myself. If you have a willing partner at home. Maybe don't even want to know. I guess there is truly one way to find out, if you decide you really want to know. Ask him to unlock his phone so you can look at his pictures and texts. You'll have your answer immediately if the request is met with resistance. If he unlocks it and hand it over, you don't even need to look. Of course, he'll whine about you not trusting him, and you have the legitimate stance of...well, you aren't fucking me, and you once said you were only with me to fuck me. In this situation, he holds no cards. What's he going to do, leave? He's got it made right now, and he knows it. He won't want to compromise what he is being provided. Make him prove that all these "love you, baby" lines are worth something. I asked him. He didn't even hesitate, he just handed it to me and waited. I didn't look because like you said I didn't feel the need to after that.
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eliz75
Junior Member
Posts: 24
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Post by eliz75 on Jun 1, 2023 7:14:05 GMT -5
He was the one who "convinced" me to marry him and have a kid with him. I am a traditional person and if I was to find someone that met my sex needs, I'd leave. I did one time in my prior marriage to my ex, have a brief affair after telling him I wanted a divorce. It left me feeling bad. I wanted more. For me, maybe not all women, sex is the connection along with the act. Emotional support, first off, listening to me. He doesn't seem interested to hear about my day truly or if I am frustrated. He will ask "how's your day going" but it's just one of those things he believe he is supposed to ask so he does. If I say fine, the conversation continues, if I am upset and want to vent about my day or job, he is quick to cut me off or if on the phone, he magically has to go but will call me back 10 minutes later. The frequent calls are in my opinion a mask to prove to me that things haven't changed in our relationship. They are about nothing or whatever he wants to talk about. I have suspected cheating for years. I did at one point find when our daughter was less than a year old, a string of emails of him chatting with a woman who definitely knew I existed. I lost my shit on him. Nothing was pointing of necessarily an affair only the emotional kind. I don't think I'd find anything on his phone because once that happened, I'm sure he learned how to conceal anything he didn't want me to find. His kids have treated me poorly, called me all sorts of names and set out to make as much trouble as they could at initially direction of his ex wife. I have tried several times to be "nice" or fix the relationship with them. They will pretend to like me, to get something from me, like me taking them on a girls weekend beach trip with my two girls. Once that's over they go back to distain for me and the oldest told him about 5 years ago, I was the reason she wanted to kill herself. Mind you this girl only came to our house 6 times a year. He puts them above me, our daughter and everything. I know some will say that they are his kids and that's fine but it's not. I mean even the small things, we went to his aunt's funeral, his oldest wanted to go with us. I said ok but I told him, I didn't want her to go with us but saying no would just cause a fight. She is currently 19 and could have drove herself. She knew if she went with us, he would pay for her to eat twice that day since it was a few hours away. She followed him around like a puppy. She made sure to stand in between us and even attempted to sit between us at the service, other people were looking so he made her move down for me to sit beside him. To me that's telling that he isn't seeing me as his wife. This kid and his other daughter have been purposely putting themselves in between him and I, but also between him and our daughter. It's like they have been attempting to claim him for years. I have backed off, when his kids come, I go to the bedroom to watch tv, I rarely will eat with them because when I do, his oldest sits beside him and I am forced to sit at the end of the table. Maybe that means nothing but we always sit a certain way a the dinner table, so I see it as she is trying to take my place. She knows where everyone sits, she is doing it on purpose. He also doesn't like chicken and will be obviously upset if I make it. When she shows up he happily eats, buys and cooks chicken with a smile on his face. I know some of it seems trivial but it's a build up of all the things over the years. I have diary's full of stuff that has happened, yes sitting right out where he could easily read it. He isn't interested on how I truly feel, I get told at least weekly, " stop being upset over trivial stuff, just chose to be happy". And by trivial stuff, he means other people talking crap about me, his kids acting they way they do and our relationship or lack there of. The drive to have a child seems like he was looking for the family achievement medal, but then wanted to indulge whatever tastes weren't being met. Seems like a bad strategy to me, but he didn't call me for advice. I assume your affair was a secret. Was it the deception, the hiding, that made you feel bad? Opening the marriage lacks the deception. The breaking of the vows can be a real disincentive as well. Dallasgia said she could not have a lover on the side. Not even one she cared about deeply. She wants to be married to that lover. Maybe you're in that boat. Emotional support. Listening. Got it. Doesn't seem a high bar. It also doesn't sound like he's much invested, sorry to agree. Might be for the best, not to bother snooping. Would it change your plans? Always be aware that the phone you see need not be the one he texts/talks with girlfriends on. Since emotional support is one of your disappointments, I can see how an emotional affair could be pretty powerfully bad too. I had to wonder does the ex and/or the kids want him back and they figure knifing you is a method? Sorry to hear your efforts go unappreciated. Ever try inviting one at a time? Invite whoever is nicer more often? Maybe alone, they'll be less bold about their brattitude. Maybe start with teh one who you don't "make suicidal". She seems to have the early lead. Weakest link, maybe. Putting his two older daughters above the one you had together is odd. Does he put your collective daughter above you? Might the older daughters' hostility leave him trying to overcompensate. He's busting tail trying to "fix" things, just like you did, when they don't want it fixed so his attention is endlessly dominated? The weak link strategy might help him too. Their sabotage efforts seem transparent. Is your husband oblivious? Or just hopelessly bent on breaking through their resistance and alienating you in the process? Perhaps he finds their juvenile sniping to be so obvious that you should dismiss it as immature? But it hurts too much? Older daughter visits 6 times a year? For a day? A week? Younger visits more than that? It sounds like things aren't great for your daughter when they visit. If their visits are brief, is that a time for a mother-daughter road trip? Or would your husband get eaten alive by your stepdaughters without you and your daughter there as buffer and targets to take on some of the abuse? Going it alone might, by necessity, make him change tactics to something less enabling. Maybe. Would he feel abandoned? Would he be relieved at not watching you take on punishment from his flesh and blood? He gets perturbed when you acquire hobbies and friends that take up substantial time. But you say he wouldn't fight a divorce. There's something not adding up. I'm starting to develop an odd picture here. One not so much a narcissist, but a terrified, self-loathing man over his head, running away from his life. Blames himself, can't think how to fix it, can't confess his fear and shame. Might be immersing himself in something (is he a drinkin' man?) or someone unhealthy as distraction from what he sees as a series of mistakes. You're in pain, he feels responsible. He's not handling matters with his ex and daughters well. Maybe you'll fill in the blanks where some or all of this just doesn't match up. When I cheated on my ex, I just felt like it wasn't me. That why be there if I wasn't invested in the marriage, I was already leaving, I could have waited. I was so starved for the right kind of attention that I started something with someone. So I guess my values, be faithful. I'm pretty sure his ex and kids, just don't want anyone else around so they can take any and all money he has. He grew a little bit of a back-bone with them when he wanted to marry me. When we were dating he had his ex wife on his car insurance. I told him we couldn't get married because he already had a wife. How would it work? I'm not helping pay her car insurance. His father had convinced him to keep her on the insurance so she could have it to drive the kids around. She was receiving child support, welfare and lived with her mom and step dad. So to marry me he had to put her as his past and not always give to her. The youngest daughter comes twice a year maybe. She isn't as bad, well wasn't. Now she is just like the oldest. It must be some type of playbook. They don't treat "our" daughter bad when they visit because I have spoken out before and told him I'd leave if they did it again. So they pretend to care about their "half" sister. They don't actually care is about appeasing daddy to get what they want from him, which is money. We've had so many conversations about his kids and their behavior. He is aware and always says but they are my kids. He is willing to keep "forgetting" because they are his kids. Which that has always been another issue. As time has gone on, we had our daughter. It has become apparent that these two girls don't have any of his similarities. There is a specific trait that him and his father have that they don't. When our daughter was born, he looked at her fingers to see if her pinky was bent/crooked like him and his fathers. It was, it's not as bad as theirs but it's evident it's there and neither of the other kids have it. They also both have jet black hair, while their father has red hair. I have black hair just like his ex and our daughter was born with red hair, pale skin. As she has grown up her hair is a dirty blonde, like his is now. He went into a sort of depression after our daughter was born. He would look at her for hours. He told me that he couldn't believe she looked so much like him because neither of his other kids favored him at all. So maybe he is compensating for that. His youngest kid was about 7 when our daughter was born. As our daughters hair came in it was super curly like my husband and his youngest said "she has nappy hair". They both have straight black hair. Once they both realized how much she favored "their" dad, the race seemed to be on to "find things they had in common". They also ramped up the alienation or attempt of it between myself and our daughter, and my husband. He is aware of how my last divorce was and it was a concern when we were talking about marriage. He told me if I no longer wanted to be with him, he wouldn't fight me. That was now 10 years ago. He will still tell me if something happens between us the house we live in will be mine and our daughters. Maybe that's so I feel secure because it's a real fear for me after my last divorce took 4 years and 20,000. We both use to drink off and on. I still have the occasional drink, mostly in social situations. He will come home and have a drink but not often. There was a time, were he was taking a drink nightly. When I asked him what was up. He said it helped him sleep better and he had less pain with his shoulder. Now he broke his shoulder at work a couple years ago. I think his friend is giving him "hemp gummies". I overheard a conversation about him going to pick them up. How often is he doing those? I have no idea. He says he doesn't like confrontation but he will get pissed at me and yell. He doesn't raise his voice to his other kids or his ex. I've only heard him yell at his ex once on the phone right after we got pregnant. Now you see why I am so confused. It's like he doesn't know who he is from day to day. Could this be some type of tactic. I use to think he was a narcist who would just love bomb me as I got pissed but it's so erratic. Here over the last couple days, he has come home smiling at me. He has rubbed my back, leg as we sit on the couch. Of course there has been nothing more but that's more than it's been for months now. He did actually listen to me about my day yesterday because he asked me and I started to tell him, he picked up his phone and started typing. So I said you aren't even listening to me so why did you ask? what did I even say? He put the phone down and at least looked at me while I was talking. So yeah our marriage isn't great, it use to be good when his demon seeds weren't around now it seems to just be blah.
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Post by deadzone75 on Jun 1, 2023 10:28:37 GMT -5
I guess there is truly one way to find out, if you decide you really want to know. Ask him to unlock his phone so you can look at his pictures and texts. You'll have your answer immediately if the request is met with resistance. If he unlocks it and hand it over, you don't even need to look. Of course, he'll whine about you not trusting him, and you have the legitimate stance of...well, you aren't fucking me, and you once said you were only with me to fuck me. In this situation, he holds no cards. What's he going to do, leave? He's got it made right now, and he knows it. He won't want to compromise what he is being provided. Make him prove that all these "love you, baby" lines are worth something. I asked him. He didn't even hesitate, he just handed it to me and waited. I didn't look because like you said I didn't feel the need to after that. Well, I certainly didn't expect that.
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