lonelygirlcity
New Member
Lonely & longing inside a sexless relationship that I can’t endure forever because it hurts too bad.
Posts: 4
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by lonelygirlcity on Jun 14, 2023 17:48:48 GMT -5
Hi everyone 💗 I’m new here & forever grateful I found this forum. Sooo I’ve just enjoying the same adult video, by myself, for the second time today and right after the high came the low. Not only was it sexy, it included BDSM role play which I haven’t had in years. I felt soooo jealous of the actress being forced into submission by her Dom. Obviously I know pornography isn’t real but that doesn’t change how much I miss having sex, which triggers my sadness & anger towards my “partner”.
I put partner in quotes because I don’t feel like we’re even partners anymore, merely roommates. He actually interrupted my along time 1/2 way through to use our master bedroom and before he left I actually told him I was watching an adult movie hoping he’d join me. After asking him if he was curious he said, “I don’t know if I want to know what you were watching”, with a smile then quickly left the room.
I usually try to stay away from porn since it kind of makes things worse but I had unmet needs today & gave in. This is probably more of a venting post than a question for the group but I was curious if anyone every feels this way.
xo, Lonely Girl Ciry
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 14, 2023 20:03:43 GMT -5
welcome lonelygirlciry,...I was married to my refuser for 6 yrs., 7 counting the year waiting for the divorce to be finalized. i never watched porn until the last 3 yrs when my then W ended the intimacy in the marriage. Porn was a stress reliever for me. I think it actually helped me along in realizing if I was to have sex in my life again it woulds have to be with another partner. I really only watch porn when I am without a partner, unless she wants to watch it with me. And I never feel sad. I feel aroused.
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lonelygirlcity
New Member
Lonely & longing inside a sexless relationship that I can’t endure forever because it hurts too bad.
Posts: 4
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by lonelygirlcity on Jun 14, 2023 20:41:55 GMT -5
welcome lonelygirlcity,...I was married to my refuser for 6 yrs., 7 counting the year waiting for the divorce to be finalized. i never watched porn until the last 3 yrs when my then W ended the intimacy in the marriage. Porn was a stress reliever for me. I think it actually helped me along in realizing if I was to have sex in my life again it woulds have to be with another partner. I really only watch porn when I am without a partner, unless she wants to watch it with me. And I never feel sad. I feel aroused. Thanks for responding to my post & sharing with me, I’m sorry to hear you went through that. Like you, porn initially arouses me too & I take care of myself so there’s the physical release but emotionally I feel sad afterwards. Not every time but more than I would like. I also feel duped in a way. My partner knew I was less vanilla in the bedroom because I flat out told him from the beginning & he acted like it wasn’t a big deal since he & his 2cd wife (he was a widower when we met) did those things. Now, years later not only are we not having any sec at all, it’s even more frustrating when I won’t that little extra thing that bdsm is/was to me. It’s like why on earth did would you date someone 19yrs younger than you who ADMITTED to liking kinky sex if sex was never that big of a deal (his words, not mines)?! Only after we were together did he admit that he and his first wife barely had sex for 17yrs. And yes I get age difference can be a factor & I’ve been extremely understanding and even offer to do all the work with nothing in return , all he needs to do is enjoy it & not make me feel like a bitch or freak for wanting to be connected to someone I thought loved me as much as I did him. So I guess I’m going to go back to boycotting porn again so it doesn’t bring up all these emotions again.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 15, 2023 6:23:37 GMT -5
lonelygirlcity,....Given the age of your H he could well be suffering from low testosterone. His T levels may have been low or lower than nomal during his 1st marriage as well. Maybe even for his entire life. Many males do not recognise the signs of low T (like having a low or nonexistant libido) in themselves. And if they do, some see it as something not to be talked about, even with their doctor. A thyroid problen can also make sex problematic. If he hasn't done so I would suggest a medical exam. A couple blood tests will tell if either of these issues nay be the cause of his low libido. Good luck getting him to see his doctor to have the blood work done.
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Post by aquacat on Jun 15, 2023 9:14:09 GMT -5
I get that way as well. After I'm done taking care of it I feel a sense of loneliness and sadness since I don't have that bonding time with my wife which should be what's happening instead. She doesn't understand why I have the need to take care of it, and I don't expect her to since she doesn't have the desire like I do.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 15, 2023 19:32:38 GMT -5
Not porn, but when a couple is having an all-consuming snog on screen, I get jealous and sad that such things are so rare with the Mrs. and I.
I'm aware I'm lucky that they do actually happen, though.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jun 17, 2023 11:14:12 GMT -5
Your account sounds like the several years of peak misery I had, before I realized and discovered some things and called it quits on my end of that relationship. I took some lessons from that period:
1. The lack of sex in my marriage was not due to her indifference in general to it. She had been into sex prior to marriage and she was very into it after marriage, but not with me. 2. It wasn't that she didn't want sex enough with me - it was that she actively avoided it with me. Aversion is not indifference. In my single years, I've had all kinds of "why not?" sex. It's not all that hard a thing to do when I'm ambivalent. 3. As such, the absence of sex in my married relationship was really a symptom of a very significant misalignment in intention and feeling overall. It's easy to hang that on the sex because you can point to it, but it's a bit like mistaking the map for the territory. In fact, the bigger issue was that my wife didn't wish to marry me, and everything else was downstream of that. 4. The absence of sex was not itself the product of someone who had become dysfunctional in the way she expressed love - it was an absolutely accurate way of expressing her feelings toward me.
So, to your point about feeling lonely in your marriage, and particularly when trying to bleed the steam on sexual desire -- it seems common to end up feeling more lonely as a byproduct of exploring this by yourself. It can remind you that you don't have someone to share it with. As that feeling increases, it can get mixed into shame and regret, and even self-loathing. Took a long time to shake that on my part, and there are parts that are still hard for me to let go.
I have an acquaintance who sometimes uses paid escorts and I tried to explain why that wouldn't do it for me. I think what people want in sex, is to feel that it matters to someone. That the pleasure I'm being made to feel matters, or that my partner's pleasure matters, and is appreciated. In a celibate marriage, as with porn or where money is involved, it doesn't really matter to another person and so it can feel like an empty experience.
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Post by poetanders1n on Jul 10, 2023 0:00:20 GMT -5
Usually it does, I try to reson with myself that it’s just fantasizing because thinking about the past with my SO just makes me more sad. I have needs though and the stimulation at least distracts me and for a short while I don’t think about it,,,,,hopefully that’s not too rambling and makes sense
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Post by tinymouse on Jul 10, 2023 9:26:00 GMT -5
For me it was the same as with mirrorchild. I wasn't very interested in porn but definitely got very sad when saw things in TV shows and movies. I also had a major sob session when I was visiting friends, was taking a shower, and saw a bottle of lube in their shower.
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Post by jerri on Jul 12, 2023 0:52:09 GMT -5
I would masturbate and cry.
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Post by heelots on Jul 12, 2023 8:21:39 GMT -5
I see it as a maintenance issue, like brushing my teeth or shaving. I don't spend hours a week buried in porn. I use porn several times a week for less than an hour per session. Once I have blown my load it is just done until next time.
No sad feelings at all. I honestly don't think about anything or anyone. I guess I see it as just doing what I have to do to get by and still get the routine relief that sex with a normal wife would provide. Porn is just a means to an end and used for routine maintenance.
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Post by aquacat on Jul 12, 2023 22:52:03 GMT -5
I see it as a maintenance issue, like brushing my teeth or shaving. I don't spend hours a week buried in porn. I use porn several times a week for less than an hour per session. Once I have blown my load it is just done until next time. No sad feelings at all. I honestly don't think about anything or anyone. I guess I see it as just doing what I have to do to get by and still get the routine relief that sex with a normal wife would provide. Porn is just a means to an end and used for routine maintenance. I never thought of it that way but it makes sense. It’s fulfilling a desire I should be doing with my wife but it’s maintenance on taking care of the libido I wish I didn’t have. I’ve been using it several times a week lately too since my wife wants nothing to do with it.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 13, 2023 6:16:27 GMT -5
I see it as a maintenance issue, like brushing my teeth or shaving. I don't spend hours a week buried in porn. I use porn several times a week for less than an hour per session. Once I have blown my load it is just done until next time. No sad feelings at all. I honestly don't think about anything or anyone. I guess I see it as just doing what I have to do to get by and still get the routine relief that sex with a normal wife would provide. Porn is just a means to an end and used for routine maintenance. I never thought of it that way but it makes sense. It’s fulfilling a desire I should be doing with my wife but it’s maintenance on taking care of the libido I wish I didn’t have. I’ve been using it several times a week lately too since my wife wants nothing to do with it. My SM is in remission, but heck yeah. Sexual drive does indeed feed ambition and accomplishment, but if you're already productive and on a good trajectory, intrusive sexual thoughts are distracting and hurt your output. The criticism of porn use is in its interference with achievement of a relationship or undermining initiative. If your marriage is sexless, "maintenance" helps you tolerate your sexless marriage, and that could, in the long run, be a bad thing. If you have good reasons to stay, knocking down your libido makes sense. If you can't figure out a reason to stay, testosterone can be the rocket fuel in the ejection seat, the stuff that will make you angry and driven enough to have "The Talk" and mean it. Always heed the Baza if you go that route.
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Post by toughtiger on Aug 14, 2023 14:48:55 GMT -5
I hate even watching sex scenes in movies ... spouse was watching a movie and had some scene i left room he was confused and i said ....... I am not getting any why they heck do i want to sit here with you and watch it on TV.
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Post by h on Sept 4, 2023 5:14:23 GMT -5
I don't get sad because I only use it like was mentioned above, as a maintenance tool. It helps me speed up the process of getting off quickly so I can move on with my day if it's morning or get to sleep if it's late. I also agree with toughtiger above about sex scenes in movies watched together. I will look away or leave the room if a sex scene happens when watching a movie with her. Years ago she commented on my behavior and I told her the same thing. If we weren't going to have a sex life then I don't want to watch and be reminded of what I don't have. She never brought it up again.
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