Glossary & Abbreviations

Hopium - n. (hoe-pee-um) unrealistic hope that a refusing spouse will change behavior and share in a semi-normal state of married intimacy.

First ILIASM reference:  Beachguy, Jul 31, 2018 at 9:13am

iliasm.org/post/105149

Nothing wrong with smoking "hopium" Someone's that's all I had😃

Baza's Advice/Caveat/Warning/etc. - n. - ILIASM member baza 's common advice to seek out legal advice as to the likely outcomes of a divorce if you should begin to engage in planning to divorce or outsource (sometimes less precisely referred to as "cheat").

It may apply to other consequences one chooses to invoke: removal of a wedding ring, moving out of the bedroom to a guest room or the couch, separate vacations, other events that question the stability of the union.

I will say that I take great offense to polyamory, as it is an abomination, like automobile. We should never mix our Greek and Latin like that. But the word is here to stay as it is being popularized.

Multiamory and Polyphilia are synonymous, but far less popular terms.

Polycule is the same mix of languages, having to do with the shape of relationships which, if drawn out, look similar to a chemist's diagram of a molecule.

Outsourcing (expanded, incomplete, and subject to dispute) - an umbrella term for all situations with a third party/second lover.


UNethical non-monogamy (rarely used term, for some reason)

Secret non-monogamy. The partner doesn't know the second lover exists. This, everyone refers to as "cheating" and an "affair". That's why we speak of "discovering" it.



Ethical non-monogamy

Informed non-monogamy. Partner knows about the second lover, but is unhappy about it. Either resents the necessity or denies it is necessary but stays married for whatever reason.



Sub-types

Don't Ask, Don't Tell - Partner pretends it isn't happening but knows it's going on; doesn't want to think about or acknowledge it. May be produced through hints and a single, short conversation and an expression of awareness. Silence, euphemism, white lies, or alibis are expected to continue the façade to family, the public, and perhaps the spouse.



No special name, just yet - Spouse is aware of what is going on, but it is couched in courteous language. Euphemisms can be used and contact info or itinerary offered for safety reasons.


NOTE: Monogamists and those in consensual non-monogamist (see below) relationships may refer to this form of non-monogamy as UNethical and/or "cheating", making no distinction from the spouse/partner's awareness and ability to refuse to continue the (disputedly ethical) non-monogamist relationship.

Consensual non-monogamy

Subtypes
Open Marriage - Those in such a relationship often consider this the only kind of non-monogamy to be ethical. The second lover is tolerated if not welcomed, usually with the intent to grow comfortable with the second lover's existence. They are consenting to the dynamic; the opportunity, opening the door. If a refuser does not agree to even trying a second lover, or only does so under threat, many of those basking in the glory of magnanimous spouses will look upon you as sleazy.



Swinging - Engaging a second lover with knowledge of the spouse for physical interactions only. Emotional connection is discouraged / disallowed.



Polyamory - The second lover is engaged in a relationship with both spouses. Your spouse's lover is called a "metamour" at this point. When the comfort level means all three (or more) could sit around the kitchen table and have coffee and chitchat, this is called "Kitchen Table Poly". If a Kitchen Table polyamorous group (or "polycule") has additional lovers that do not socialize with the group, this may be referred to as "Birthday Party" or "Garden Party" Poly. These people know everyone, but only see each other rarely and are cordial, but perhaps not friends.



Parallel Polyamory - A subset of Polyamory Marriage where both spouses date others. The second and third lovers do not associate deliberately. A three person dynamic with one person being intimate with the two others is referred to as a "Hinge" or "V". Hinges and Vs may be linked by lovers-in-common.  /\/ or more /\/\/\/\/\. Two hetero cpuples many engage in "spouse swapping" and have overlapping V's like an hourglass or connected at corners into a square.

                                                                                                                                                                                               _      
Triads, Quads, Pentagons...etc. - Commonly bisexual Poly Relationships where at least some points of hinges/Vs are connected.   V    |X|   Some strictly heterosexual hinges or squares may also refer to themselves as triads, quads, etc. Don't assume.


Hinges can connect couples, triads, quads and such into wider social circles also referred to as webs or polycules.