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Post by jim44444 on Oct 17, 2016 20:56:46 GMT -5
I just found out last night that my best friend from college is splitting up with her husband after 22? 23? years of marriage. It's because he was dishonest with her about money. She went in to work one day last week and got a memo from HR, advising that their state was garnishing her salary because they owe taxes. I couldn't explain all the details (I'm easily confused on money issues), but sadly I am not surprised - this is not the first time. I was in the middle of a good deep self-pity wallow about my own situation; but this event kind of shook me out of that. Nobody is exempt from problems. If they don't have the same problems you do, then it will be something else. I told her I could understand why she's angry; FWIW, I think she's doing the right thing (getting your spouse into big financial trouble is just WRONG); and I will have her back in any way that I can. My wife and I have always had seperate accounts. We file taxes jointly or seperately whichever renders the lowest rate. But we have always been honest about our finances. Anyone that considers keeping their finances secret should not be in a committed relationship unless they are preparing to leave. She is lucky to have you as a friend. |
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Post by JMX on Oct 17, 2016 21:57:49 GMT -5
This makes me sick to my stomach... The feeling is very similar, although not the same.
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 18, 2016 0:15:43 GMT -5
@smartkat, your friend is almost certainly doing the right thing for her own survival.
Someone close to me has been routinely destroyed financially by his wife, despite several windfall successes in life. Their retirement is now struggling to make ends meet on whatever Social Security gives them, because they ended up with no retirement money and no equity in their house. He could have had a very comfortable retirement.
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Post by Dan on Oct 18, 2016 7:25:07 GMT -5
I was always under the impression that "ours" & "his" finances were pretty tight. I had my own account & paycheck & I pitched in on the needed items & bought most "want" items. Alone I have so much more money even though I pay the same in rent as WE did for the mortgage. So even though I thought I knew all 3 financial positions- I was a bit misled by his pessimistic delivery of info. Know that I look at things, I am better off alone than I was with his stingy ass. GG: sounds like your financial separation during your marriage was wise. This probably provided a layer financial safety when you were together, and made things easier to split once you decided to part. But (to any spouse reading this thread wanting to avoid the outcome of @smartkat 's friend) there are still ways your spouse can impact you: unpaid taxes (as seems to be this case); and secretly borrowing against joint assets (like taking out a home equity loan), or opening credit cards in your name. If anyone has ANY doubts about this, it would probably be wise for you to start checking your and your spouse's credit reports; look for new accounts, mounting debt, etc. I think there are ways you can receive alerts if a new line of credit is opened in your name, there may even be a way to say "don't open any new accounts without my additional approval". In particular, I think you can "put that on your mortgage" to make it much harder for a spouse to secretly open a HELOC. As for tracking your spouse's tax debts... I don't know if that shows up on credit reports. But if there are unpaid taxes in "your name", you can probably find this out by contacting the IRS (or other tax authority -- state, local) and asking "do I owe any back taxes?". |
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Post by petrushka on Oct 18, 2016 8:39:56 GMT -5
Holy cow, you guys make me cringe. Seriously - how can I be in a relationship with someone who cannot be trusted to be responsible with our money? That is just not on my event horizon.
One of the main reasons I separated from my first wife was that she saw me as a source of cash to be spent on others. (One other reason was that she didn't stick to agreements and compromises negotiated on fiscal affairs -- for instance she trashed my car, we negotiated that we'd take the insurance money and her car, pool the lot and buy a new car -- then, after the new car was bought it turned out she'd given her car to her brother).
If I can't trust my s.o. implicitly, there is no relationship. Fuck. That. That's not a line in the sand, that's the Suez Canal.
She can go and fuck someone else, she can go and spend 100 grand on a Porsche, but if she's not open about it, if she's doing it
surreptitiously and hiding it from me, I'll take that as a lesson paid for and end the game.
Well that's my take. If I can't trust them to be responsible I'd just not even entertain having them as more than a friend across town. I'm kind of 'all in, or not at all' in that way.
Of course, I've never shared my life with a feckless spendthrift - on the other hand, I'd probably never do that in the first place.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2016 12:01:34 GMT -5
I wonder what your friends sex life was like with her spouse? You,smartkat, would be an excellent adviser/councilor for her! Imagine how she feels now, after giving herself to a cheater (financial cheater,and who knows what else). Notice the similarities? a trust/communication issue. Actually, on the topic of their sex life: she was one of those women who could have become a refuser, and a lot of people wouldn't have blamed her. But, she did not become a refuser. She had a hysterectomy at the age of 34, which put her into surgical menopause. No hormones; no sexual desire; no interest in sex whatsoever. BUT - she remembered (unlike refusers) that sex is part of the deal when you get married. They did have some conflict over it - but from what she told me, it was timing and scheduling - not whether they were going to do it at all. Basically, she needs to get to sleep early because she has to get up at Oh-dark-thirty on weekdays for a long commute to work. Their solution? They shifted most of the sex to the weekends. AFAIK, that worked for both of them. I think my friend's STBX is an idiot who didn't fully appreciate what he had. She was willing to work with him about sexual issues. When they had money issues in the past, she was willing to work with him on that. Since this is not the first time he's been stupid about money - and since he deceived her about it - she is done. IMHO, this woman knows how to do marriage right. You negotiate. But if the other person pulls the same stupid shit more than once, you don't keep on putting up with it. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 18, 2016 12:10:56 GMT -5
I wonder what your friends sex life was like with her spouse? You,smartkat, would be an excellent adviser/councilor for her! Imagine how she feels now, after giving herself to a cheater (financial cheater,and who knows what else). Notice the similarities? a trust/communication issue. Actually, on the topic of their sex life: she was one of those women who could have become a refuser, and a lot of people wouldn't have blamed her. But, she did not become a refuser. She had a hysterectomy at the age of 34, which put her into surgical menopause. No hormones; no sexual desire; no interest in sex whatsoever. BUT - she remembered (unlike refusers) that sex is part of the deal when you get married. They did have some conflict over it - but from what she told me, it was timing and scheduling - not whether they were going to do it at all. Basically, she needs to get to sleep early because she has to get up at Oh-dark-thirty on weekdays for a long commute to work. Their solution? They shifted most of the sex to the weekends. AFAIK, that worked for both of them. I think my friend's STBX is an idiot who didn't fully appreciate what he had. She was willing to work with him about sexual issues. When they had money issues in the past, she was willing to work with him on that. Since this is not the first time he's been stupid about money - and since he deceived her about it - she is done. IMHO, this woman knows how to do marriage right. You negotiate. But if the other person pulls the same stupid shit more than once, you don't keep on putting up with it. Sounds like there is more dirty oil getting ready to make its way to the surface of the water. Like it or not, it sounds like you have been given an opportunity to share your gifts, and experience. To be a Sage for this woman. |
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Post by JMX on Oct 18, 2016 21:34:37 GMT -5
petrushka - at least you have a financially wise woman. There's that!
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 19, 2016 18:41:38 GMT -5
Holy cow, you guys make me cringe. Seriously - how can I be in a relationship with someone who cannot be trusted to be responsible with our money? That is just not on my event horizon. One of the main reasons I separated from my first wife was that she saw me as a source of cash to be spent on others. (One other reason was that she didn't stick to agreements and compromises negotiated on fiscal affairs -- for instance she trashed my car, we negotiated that we'd take the insurance money and her car, pool the lot and buy a new car -- then, after the new car was bought it turned out she'd given her car to her brother). If I can't trust my s.o. implicitly, there is no relationship. Fuck. That. That's not a line in the sand, that's the Suez Canal. She can go and fuck someone else, she can go and spend 100 grand on a Porsche, but if she's not open about it, if she's doing it surreptitiously and hiding it from me, I'll take that as a lesson paid for and end the game. Well that's my take. If I can't trust them to be responsible I'd just not even entertain having them as more than a friend across town. I'm kind of 'all in, or not at all' in that way. Of course, I've never shared my life with a feckless spendthrift - on the other hand, I'd probably never do that in the first place. "Fuckless Spendthrift"- you just described the last 23 years of my life. Finally I'm free and at peace. Oh wait! Fuckless Irresponsible Spendthrift! |
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Post by petrushka on Oct 19, 2016 19:59:30 GMT -5
Holy cow, you guys make me cringe. Seriously - how can I be in a relationship with someone who cannot be trusted to be responsible with our money? That is just not on my event horizon. One of the main reasons I separated from my first wife was that she saw me as a source of cash to be spent on others. (One other reason was that she didn't stick to agreements and compromises negotiated on fiscal affairs -- for instance she trashed my car, we negotiated that we'd take the insurance money and her car, pool the lot and buy a new car -- then, after the new car was bought it turned out she'd given her car to her brother). If I can't trust my s.o. implicitly, there is no relationship. Fuck. That. That's not a line in the sand, that's the Suez Canal. She can go and fuck someone else, she can go and spend 100 grand on a Porsche, but if she's not open about it, if she's doing it surreptitiously and hiding it from me, I'll take that as a lesson paid for and end the game. Well that's my take. If I can't trust them to be responsible I'd just not even entertain having them as more than a friend across town. I'm kind of 'all in, or not at all' in that way. Of course, I've never shared my life with a feckless spendthrift - on the other hand, I'd probably never do that in the first place. "Fuckless Spendthrift"- you just described the last 23 years of my life. Finally I'm free and at peace. Oh wait! Fuckless Irresponsible Spendthrift! Freudian slip while reading? <grins> feckless==irresponsible, useless, inept, clueless. But I agree entirely: a fuck-less feckless spendthrift would be The Pits !!! |
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Post by beachguy on Oct 19, 2016 20:15:14 GMT -5
"Fuckless Spendthrift"- you just described the last 23 years of my life. Finally I'm free and at peace. Oh wait! Fuckless Irresponsible Spendthrift! Freudian slip while reading? <grins> feckless==irresponsible, useless, inept, clueless. But I agree entirely: a fuck-less feckless spendthrift would be The Pits !!! Fuck-less just adds salt to the wound  |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Oct 25, 2016 14:33:01 GMT -5
We had friends in that situation. Married almost 20 years, her husband, who is a broker lost some contracts and didn't tell her. They went on spending as if they were flush. It all caught up with them when their home was foreclosed on BY HIS PARENTS! They had financed the home loan. There was a great deal of anger on all sides and they split up.
This story has a happy ending though. After two years of separation, they reconciled and their marriage is absolutely sickening with all the lovey-dovey posts on Facebook. It is a rare thing to see people that truly love each other enough work it out and get back together.
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