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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 10, 2023 7:33:18 GMT -5
revolutionarycanary,....welcome to the forum. I don't thnk we have had a theme posted that has quite such a litijurcial back ground associated with it. I flatter myself in stating I am also a Christian. At least i try to follow the teachings as much as I am able The spirit is willing but often the flesh is weak. Unlike your W my now X readily admitted she had broken and forsaken her marriage vow of being of one flesh with me. She lost all interest and basically insisted I do the same. That was quite impossible for me at the time. It still is, so Like the adulter I am I am depended on mercy to get the gates open. I agree with mirrororchid that your W picks and chooses what portions of the faith she follows and ignors those portions that are inconvenient or at odds with her lifestyle choices. I will go s atep farther than mirrororchid and say to you I don't think your W has much in the way of love for you. She was quick to throw you under the bus in coercing you to accept her decision or violate your faith by embracing adultry. Not very loving or kind in my opinion. I was forced into the same corner by by now X. We ended up divorcing. It may go against the grain for you to accept this piece of ILIASM history. Your choices are the same as everyone elses who have found their way here. Choose to stay and accept what you cannot change. Outsource for your physical and emotional needs with or without your spouses knowledge or approval. Seperate and possibly divorce. (Or just seperate if you hold fast to the "no divorce except for infidelity" clause). As for outing your W to her fellow parishners that is apt to result in MAD, ( Mutually Assured Destruction) the end all nucleaur senerio. I choose not to out my then W over her violation of vows. It would not have done anything to change our marriage dynamic, just as it won't do anything to change yours. Continue the therapy if it seems to be helping your W to deal with her family history of paternal abuse, but do not place much faith in the hope it will return your W to the " good ol'days" when she enjoyed your physical affections. Therapy has a poor record by the time people arrive at this site. Maybe you will be an exception, but don't place much reliance on it. Good luck and God's peace.
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Post by revolutionarycanary on Oct 10, 2023 8:05:10 GMT -5
I've had a quick scan of the subject headings and it looks like you've dealt with it in considerable depth. Seeing the word "exegesis" is encouraging. Thankyou. Of all the words to derive encouragement. I tried to be thorough, even up to and beyond your "nuclear option" of going public. Because you put the wisdom of God's word first, and determine to let the text speak for itself in context.
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Post by revolutionarycanary on Oct 10, 2023 17:58:51 GMT -5
I've had a quick scan of the subject headings and it looks like you've dealt with it in considerable depth. Seeing the word "exegesis" is encouraging. Thankyou. Of all the words to derive encouragement. I tried to be thorough, even up to and beyond your "nuclear option" of going public. I've now worked my way through a fair chunk of the material, and have found it enormously helpful - especially the exegesis . Thankyou for pulling it together in such a thoughtful and thought-provoking way. I'm feeling a little bit less cornered and helpless, and a bit more empowered. Baby steps.
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Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Oct 10, 2023 20:23:31 GMT -5
Hello all just decided to join up to this fabulous group you have here in the corner of the internet. Any ways been married 22 years this Friday last 3 I stopped asking for sex and making her the initiator. Sex came to a stand still. Being the aggressor all these years have spoiled her I guess. Me thinking she would want me sexually after holding out makes me the fool I guess. Had a discussion about it and she wants nothing to do with sex and actually said I need you to be a friend. My response was I need you to be a friend with benefits 😂🤣. That didn’t work of course. Medically she is post menopause. Low estrogen I guess. She has been using the cream to put on the business end of her vagina. We tried having sex(of course it was me being the aggressor) and she said it hurts when I penetrate. So I offers more cunnilingus to satisfy her ( because of course I’m the giver) recently found out she stopped the estrogen and is not interested in sex with me or herself. Anyways glad I’m not the only one and I am working a program to figure out how to leave as the no sex is not the only problem of course but it’s her shitty attitude to life at our age of 50 I got plenty to give..
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Post by baza on Oct 10, 2023 20:59:30 GMT -5
Well Brother Missingout , if you are .... "working a program to figure out how to leave" .... then your first stop needs to be a lawyer to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. Within the legal parameters the next thing is to develop an exit strategy and knock it into do-able shape. Shoring up your support network is another smart thing to do. Engaging a counsellor to help you unpack this situation is a good idea too. Of course all the foregoing is just theory. You might choose to act on it. You might not. But you will at least be fully informed, and that puts you in the drivers seat to a large extent. Good luck with your deliberations.
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Post by revolutionarycanary on Oct 11, 2023 5:47:32 GMT -5
The session with the therapist today was very good. We had been making some amazing progress over the last week but sharing the cause of my recent depression last night blew it up and we were very distant from each other this morning and throughout the day. We managed to unpack it with help from the therapist and what I had understood as "throwing me under the bus" was kind of like a worst-case scenario that you acknowledge in a system change document (we both work in that field). You consider the strategy to deal with it should it occur, but you absolutely work your butt off to ensure never materialises.
When I apologised on the way back to the car for getting it so badly wrong, she smiled and said "yeah that's what I was trying to tell you." And to be honest, I've gone down a bit of a rabbit hole on this issue.
So while the last day or so was a scary setback, the mood seems to be we're back on a good path and it's not a permanent derailment.
She has just started HRT. Will take 6-8 weeks to kick in but she is working hard to deal with the issues. I've also picked up "Mating in Captivity" and it may very soon be time to start discussions on what expectations around sex should look like.
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 11, 2023 6:17:25 GMT -5
Of all the words to derive encouragement.
I tried to be thorough, even up to and beyond your "nuclear option" of going public. I've now worked my way through a fair chunk of the material, and have found it enormously helpful - especially the exegesis . Thankyou for pulling it together in such a thoughtful and thought-provoking way. I'm feeling a little bit less cornered and helpless, and a bit more empowered. Baby steps.
If you have not read them yet, some of CSL's essays come in audio form on the *REFUSED* podcast:
Scroll down to season 1 where his material is featured. CSL, himself, narrates some of them.
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Post by csl on Oct 11, 2023 7:11:42 GMT -5
Of all the words to derive encouragement. I tried to be thorough, even up to and beyond your "nuclear option" of going public. I've now worked my way through a fair chunk of the material, and have found it enormously helpful - especially the exegesis . Thankyou for pulling it together in such a thoughtful and thought-provoking way. I'm feeling a little bit less cornered and helpless, and a bit more empowered. Baby steps. Thank you for your kind words. I am gratified to know that it is helpful to you.
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Post by puzzlingpiece on Oct 11, 2023 15:00:09 GMT -5
44 year old guy in a sexless marriage. Happy to find a place to talk to others.
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 392
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Post by m76 on Oct 11, 2023 15:02:27 GMT -5
44 year old guy in a sexless marriage. Happy to find a place to talk to others. Welcome. Sometimes it's nice just to know you're not alone.
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Post by thequietone on Oct 12, 2023 15:41:40 GMT -5
Hi all
I’m a 45 year old British guy who’s been in a sexless marriage for far too many years now. Like many here, no doubt, things used to be very different but started to go wrong after our youngest was born a decade ago, co-sleeping started and never ended. As a result, I find myself in the spare room permanently and with my self-esteem taking regular bashes.
I think that as the intimacy has declined, so has the closeness, friendship and other elements that make a healthy relationship and my wife would rather spend time staring at a phone screen than anything else.
I work from home and have a non-existent social circle so I’m hoping that the opportunity to connect with others who understand this crushing existence will help as it just gets harder by the year.
Take care of yourselves.
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 12, 2023 18:01:13 GMT -5
I work from home and have a non-existent social circle so I’m hoping that the opportunity to connect with others who understand this crushing existence will help as it just gets harder by the year. Welcome. Sorry you're here. That non-existent social circle is a common path to rebuilding from sexless marriage. As you tour the site you'll see the advice given and the life courses taken by ILIASM members. Part of preparing for a new life is to start a life that has very little to do with your spouse. This life will fill hours that may currently spent with family or the Mrs. This time may suddenly become yours to do with as you please, and you'll want to be ready with pursuits. Building this new life can enhance your appeal as a person, improve both self esteem and that of your spouse as you grow in confidence as a worthwhile person with a life to share with others, besides your family. In teh event you cannot stay with your spouse, or do stay but seek an additional partner, life or lust, you will have something extra to offer in terms of companionship. Feel free to share your decisions and ask questions as you go.
Also, greetings to you, puzzlingpiece. Glad you found us. Invitation to share or ask is extended your way too. 44 years old? Congratulations on finding us sooner than many. How long has the marriage been sexless? (technically, "sexless" means 10 times a year or less. That doesn't mean 11 is unworthy of sympathy. Lack of physical closeness is relative.)
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 12, 2023 18:14:06 GMT -5
welcome quietzone,...As you have been in a SM for 10+ years it's probably safe to say you are staying. So I would recommend you spend some time in the Staying theme. You may not need additional coping mechanisms but if you do there might be something there you find usefull. My 1st question for you is did you choose to move to another bedroom or was the treatment you recieved from your W such that it was a coarse of last resort?
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Post by thequietone on Oct 13, 2023 3:57:59 GMT -5
Thank you both for your welcome. It wasn’t a choice to move into the spare room. I was told to. She said she likes her space and so on and so forth.
In terms of growing my social circle, that’s something I’m trying to find ways to do, however, I know that it won’t go down well with her as she likes me at home, and hates it if I even so much as mention going to the gym.
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Post by revolutionarycanary on Oct 13, 2023 4:11:27 GMT -5
Thank you both for your welcome. It wasn’t a choice to move into the spare room. I was told to. She said she likes her space and so on and so forth. In terms of growing my social circle, that’s something I’m trying to find ways to do, however, I know that it won’t go down well with her as she likes me at home, and hates it if I even so much as mention going to the gym. She gets out of sorts when you want to do something abut looking after yourself? What's the rationale?
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