miestas
Junior Member
Posts: 74
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by miestas on Nov 10, 2023 11:43:31 GMT -5
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Post by atlindsexlessguy on Nov 12, 2023 7:17:02 GMT -5
Hello all, Grateful for this forum. This thanksgiving weekend would complete 23 years of married wedlock. Most of it has been sexless. We can’t separate or divorce. I’ll detail it out later. There is no way out. Opening up relationship for me is not an option. Neither is counseling single or couples. Been there . Done that all in vain. Few years ago, I crossed the line to infidelity. Since then I’m the sole reason for running her lives (and of our kids). Add to it caretaking of elderly single parents on each side with financial burden has made it worse over the years.
We have both decided to move on .. separate .. divorce just a matter of time .. furthermore we are not from USA originally
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Post by Same old, same old on Nov 12, 2023 11:41:32 GMT -5
Hi I found this board several weeks ago and its helped me understand my feelings, put labels on lots of "stuff" and prepare for "the talk"... who knew... I had the talk with my wife 5 weeks ago, we have been together since 1988, hence week5of35years I have been in a sexless relationship for 33 years, and in a sexless marriage for 22 years We had the talk and I played back what I have been feeling for the last years... asked a load of questions to which I got few answers that made sense and we agreed to try to work on getting better intimacy and for us to get back to being the couple who basically give a shit about each other again.. We have stepped up intimacy although we have not had penetrative sex yet and frankly I am awash with adrenaline and feel pretty shit most of the time as I simply have no clue what the outcome will be and no clue how much of what my wife has said to me is truthful.. This is the culmination of a lot of angst for me that was bookended 8yrs ago when I had "yet another" 'why are we not having any sex talks'.... to which she said she had never wanted a sex life and every time I had raised it she had basically lied about a reason and expected that I would see she was lying and leave... for 25yrs... this ripped my heart out and as a child of divorce with an 8 year old at that time, I reconciled myself to checking out of the relationship stuff (being nice, holidays, BIG birthdays etc etc) for 10 years, and then when my son was 18 or so, basically telling my wife to begone and hoping that at 60 I could achieve some form of restart.. I never expected that after the talk, she would say she wanted to try to improve things, I assumed we would be in separate rooms by now living as housemates with a shared responsibility.... I never expected it, and I carry so much resentment it is difficult, as I basically feel I have been cheated out of a life after 35 years of trying to "fix" the problems/barriers she presented me with at every "the talk", that actually never even bloody existed in the first place.... what a mug.... So getting my head around "fixing stuff" is not exactly easy but I thought I would share, as what I am feeling now is doing my head and my heart in.... I'll take a deep breath and maybe share the backstory later, thanks for listening I totally feel your pain ... 35+ years here and I can't remember, except for 3 years ago a pity f**k on my birthday, the last time we were intimate. I have beat myself up to the point that I gave up. I am now set on the belief that I will live the next 30 years, until I die, without any feeling of sexual satisfaction. I just need to accept it. Thanks for listening 😞
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Post by toughtiger on Nov 12, 2023 12:07:52 GMT -5
I totally feel your pain ... 35+ years here and I can't remember, except for 3 years ago a pity f**k on my birthday, the last time we were intimate. I have beat myself up to the point that I gave up. I am now set on the belief that I will live the next 30 years, until I die, without any feeling of sexual satisfaction. I just need to accept it. Thanks for listening 😞 Welcome to the forum same old / same old I think it is wrong to spend the rest of our lives with NO sex.... period i am seriously having a second talk ... although my spouse has medical issues and medication induced ED if he was able and not participating i think i would have already buried him in the backyard LOL (Just kidding). I have some success in stress relief with a toy .... but it does not replace having a partner but better then nothing
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Post by Same old, same old on Nov 12, 2023 12:13:33 GMT -5
I totally feel your pain ... 35+ years here and I can't remember, except for 3 years ago a pity f**k on my birthday, the last time we were intimate. I have beat myself up to the point that I gave up. I am now set on the belief that I will live the next 30 years, until I die, without any feeling of sexual satisfaction. I just need to accept it. Thanks for listening 😞 Welcome to the forum same old / same old I think it is wrong to spend the rest of our lives with NO sex.... period i am seriously having a second talk ... although my spouse has medical issues and medication induced ED if he was able and not participating i think i would have already buried him in the backyard LOL (Just kidding). I have some success in stress relief with a toy .... but it does not replace having a partner but better then nothing Oh yeah, I use toys and I have an online friend that enjoys some naughty play with me but, you're absolutely right in that it is not the same as personal physical contact. That is where I meant that I gave up.
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 13, 2023 6:59:21 GMT -5
Hi I found this board several weeks ago and its helped me understand my feelings, put labels on lots of "stuff" and prepare for "the talk"... who knew... ...We have stepped up intimacy although we have not had penetrative sex yet and frankly I am awash with adrenaline and feel pretty shit most of the time as I simply have no clue what the outcome will be and no clue how much of what my wife has said to me is truthful.. ... she said she had never wanted a sex life and every time I had raised it she had basically lied about a reason and expected that I would see she was lying and leave... ...I never expected that after the talk, she would say she wanted to try to improve things,... ...I carry so much resentment it is difficult, ...trying to "fix" the problems/barriers she presented me with at every "the talk", that actually never even bloody existed in the first place... So getting my head around "fixing stuff" is not exactly easy but I thought I would share, as what I am feeling now is doing my head and my heart in.... I'll take a deep breath and maybe share the backstory later, thanks for listening Your research and focus are impressive. Much can be done "lurking", but glad you're introducing yourself. Specific guidance can sometimes be had when details are shared, so I look forward to the I can understand the mind eff you're going through now. Cynicism can serve as a shield. Don't believe a word she says, but you can act as though you do and hold out enough sincerity to be able to receive earnest compromise if she manages to offer it. A "Reset" is the typical result from the pledges of refusers. Perhaps you wish to clarify to yourself what "rock bottom" minimum you will accept. Should she test the envelope to determine what this minimum is, you need not adhere to this standard if your bare minimum turns out to be inadequate. 11 times a year need not be okay. Looking forward to the backstory sometime. atlindsexlessguy While you have an unhappy backstory, perhaps by reading other posts, you'll know that having a clear path forward, even a less than ideal one can be a big help. We have folks here who have exited their sexless marriages and may be able to share tips on getting through it easier and faster. Just ask. northstarmom would likely recommend getting back to individual therapy as a part of your future and coping with any misgivings, fear, insecurity, or anxiety occurring during the process. Do you have some ducks in a row, legally, and financially? Sorry to hear about teh elder caretaking. That is an ugly hurdle.
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 13, 2023 9:33:38 GMT -5
welcome to the forum week5of35years,....I cannot imagine marrying someone who had kept me sexless for 11years prior to the marriage. I assume this was somehow related to a religious obligation you felt compelled to follow. When it comes to a SM it is best not to believe your celibate partner in what they may say. Actions are your best guide. If she is serious about improving the intiomacy in the marriage she will be initiating sex at least half of the time. If you are the initiator play close attention to how she acts during the lovemaking. She should be an active participant. If not, then she is likely just acting a part. It's not unusual at all for a refuser to suddenly want to rekindly intimacy when they think you are serious about ending the relationship. There are many reasons for their wanting to stay in the marriage, but love and caring about what matters to you are not likely to be part of the reasoning. And your new knowledge that she has been gaslightning you all along about the state of her feeling about being intimate with you should say to you that skepticism is the watchword of the day for you. Your relationship dynamics are some of the most complex I have seen at this forum. I hope others have more to offer you in the way of guideance going forward.
I would encourage you to post your story in the sexless marriage category. You are likely to get more responses there.
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week5of35years
Junior Member
Think I may be out of a SM... @the Talk in Nov '23 and progressing well so far....
Posts: 90
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by week5of35years on Nov 14, 2023 4:04:15 GMT -5
Thanks for this advice, and yes upon reflection (and a blow up at the weekend), it is clear that I had a talk, but not "The Talk". I used the resources marked above to compose my "Talk" and I'll open a new thread to update on that.... thanks for the advice Miestas!!
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week5of35years
Junior Member
Think I may be out of a SM... @the Talk in Nov '23 and progressing well so far....
Posts: 90
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by week5of35years on Nov 14, 2023 5:34:54 GMT -5
welcome to the forum week5of35years,....I cannot imagine marrying someone who had kept me sexless for 11years prior to the marriage. I assume this was somehow related to a religious obligation you felt compelled to follow. When it comes to a SM it is best not to believe your celibate partner in what they may say. Actions are your best guide. If she is serious about improving the intiomacy in the marriage she will be initiating sex at least half of the time. If you are the initiator play close attention to how she acts during the lovemaking. She should be an active participant. If not, then she is likely just acting a part. It's not unusual at all for a refuser to suddenly want to rekindly intimacy when they think you are serious about ending the relationship. There are many reasons for their wanting to stay in the marriage, but love and caring about what matters to you are not likely to be part of the reasoning. And your new knowledge that she has been gaslightning you all along about the state of her feeling about being intimate with you should say to you that skepticism is the watchword of the day for you. Your relationship dynamics are some of the most complex I have seen at this forum. I hope others have more to offer you in the way of guidance going forward. I would encourage you to post your story in the sexless marriage category. You are likely to get more responses there. Thanks for this and for the comments from Mirrororchid, I will give the back story and the update in a new thread, part of me does not want to be sceptical, just openly optimistic but here are so many inconsistencies when I reflect, that I agree, the actions will certainly be all telling... As a comment, I only knew my pre-marriage life was sexless after really finding this site and the "labels". I though we just didn't have much sex adn that was normal... hard to compare back in the 90's sans interweb ;-) - I have enough hang-ups to fill a wardrobe, I think most do, and some of these have controlled my behaviour and tolerances TBH... thanks and I will welcome the advice of the commons as I play back, and update on current state and events
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kevinp
New Member
sex where R U
Posts: 18
Age Range: 66-70
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Post by kevinp on Nov 14, 2023 7:54:48 GMT -5
Hello. KevinP here Long term sexless marriage. Just dealing with the depression and anxiety by talking with others.
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week5of35years
Junior Member
Think I may be out of a SM... @the Talk in Nov '23 and progressing well so far....
Posts: 90
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by week5of35years on Nov 14, 2023 9:53:57 GMT -5
Hello. KevinP here Long term sexless marriage. Just dealing with the depression and anxiety by talking with others. Everyone is here for you mate....
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 14, 2023 10:32:14 GMT -5
Hello. KevinP here Long term sexless marriage. Just dealing with the depression and anxiety by talking with others. welcome to the forum KevinP. Anxiety was a big player in my SM as well.
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Post by Same old, same old on Nov 15, 2023 22:59:56 GMT -5
Hello. KevinP here Long term sexless marriage. Just dealing with the depression and anxiety by talking with others. Hi KevinP, We are here in a safe space for talking about the depression and anxiety. Whatever you want to share or just listen to is okay in this judgement free environment. We are all in a club we don't want to be in. You'll find this group to be very helpful, empathetic, and accepting of your highs and lows.
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 16, 2023 6:55:57 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum same old / same old Oh yeah, I use toys and I have an online friend that enjoys some naughty play with me but, you're absolutely right in that it is not the same as personal physical contact. That is where I meant that I gave up. I am alway surprised when a woman here says she is giving up on having a sexual relationship in her future. Go on any dating site and you will quickly see that for every woman there are numerous men wishing to have a relationship with her. Unless you are so picky that you find some reason to disqualify every man on the planet, there are hundreds of men who would likely be very good partner with you. But you have to place yourself in a position to have that relationship. You have to look for it or be available for it when it finds you. You won't find it if you give up. I will be 75 in a few weeks. I have just entered into a relationship with a woman who is also 75. We both want to have sex in our lives and so we will. The questiton for you is, do you really want to have sex in your future, and what are you prepared to do to make it possible?
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Post by Same old, same old on Nov 16, 2023 7:13:58 GMT -5
Oh yeah, I use toys and I have an online friend that enjoys some naughty play with me but, you're absolutely right in that it is not the same as personal physical contact. That is where I meant that I gave up. I am alway surprised when a woman here says she is giving up on having a sexual relationship in her future. Go on any dating site and you will quickly see that for every woman there are numerous men wishing to have a relationship with her. Unless you are so picky that you find some reason to disqualify every man on the planet, there are hundreds of men who would likely be very good partner with you. But you have to place yourself in a position to have that relationship. You have to look for it or be available for it when it finds you. You won't find it if you give up. I will be 75 in a few weeks. I have just entered into a relationship with a woman who is also 75. We both want to have sex in our lives and so we will. The questiton for you is, do you really want to have sex in your future, and what are you prepared to do to make it possible? Sex is important but so is 35 years of marriage, love, and loyalty. Sometimes you are stuck, for whatever reason. I'm not saying I won't refuse an opportunity from another man but, as for giving up in my marriage, it is what it is.
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