|
|
Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 29, 2017 17:11:12 GMT -5
So, in addition to the core reason why I'm here - our relationship has also taken on another battleground - food!
I'm a longtime foodie, love to cook, experiment and read/watch tons of cooking inspiration. I cook because I love good food, and have traveled enough (too often with a generous expense account) and have learned to cook healthy and creatively. It's one of my hobbies (reading lots of books, gym, golf and tennis are others). Give me a dinner to cook for family/friends, good wine, music - and I'm in my studio being creative...
My wife has always been a healthy eater, very conscious of sugar, processed foods, etc over the years. She was one of the earliest on the 'low-glycemic' focused diet - and has also latched onto a fad for 'eating for your blood-type' which suggests (to her) to avoid all sorts of random foods (white/black beans ok, kidney, garbanzo and lima beans bad. sheep milk cheese ok, cows milk NO! watermelon ok, other melons NO!, no white potatoes, no Dairy (cow's milk) and other now religious zealotry.
she's also become a gluten-free super advocate, even though she won't get tested for any sensitivity or allergies...she used to eat baskets of dinner rolls w butter, and is pretty much the same now having avoided over the years before and after...
The quack 'eat for your blood-type Dr. has been debunked and called out for having absolutely no science to back any claims, but she believes 'the medical community just isn't up to speed yet' he's probably onto something and 'western medicine' just cannot allow alternative thinking, and so on...
Oh yeah, she's fully embraced natureopathic remedies (she has some 30+ bottles of expensive shit) and won't drink our tap water (tested 3X times), even after using a Brita.
I could go on and on about all of the other things she avoids or becomes a zealot for, even in the face of reason, scientific fact and common sense...
She is an avoider on a far higher level than just intimacy/sex.
|
|
|
|
Post by snowman12345 on Jan 29, 2017 21:43:42 GMT -5
I am always amazed at what people are willing to shell out their hard earned money for. In my mind if there is no hard scientific research done, with multiple repetition of the research, then it is snake oil.  We should set up a thread to exchange recipes - I love to cook too! |
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 29, 2017 23:06:17 GMT -5
That's the control freak streak. My Ex got that too. He did have diabetes but with the education given - he was twice as strict as required. It's like a scarcity policy on "all the things" or at least all things THEY arbitrarily, unilaterally select (most often this list aligns with: all the things I love & want at least SOME of in my life).
Ugh. They are Scrooges when it comes to life-affirming joy.
Hard day today. I love y'all ILIASMers! Including the spouses here who are "not the refused" - your small group especially shows tremendously resilience. Thanks for being here!
|
|
|
|
Post by petrushka on Jan 30, 2017 8:02:01 GMT -5
lakeside4003 -- that would be a bigger turnoff for me than no sex. Seriously. Food related zealotry says to me: this person's brain got accidentally cooked with mutant rays by aliens. snowman12345 -- your poster is convincing. Mostly. It is always worth it listening to professionals. But: I remember going to the doctor with dizzy spells, numb face and something else when I stood up. He diagnosed me with something that involves air bubbles in the inner ear
and gave me exercises to lie on the bed and move my head in such and such a way. I got a hell of a lot worse. I
enquired with Mrs. Google. Mrs. Google revealed that his diagnosis should have had the effect of making me dizzy
when I lie down. He completely ignored the numb face bit. Google also suggested I might have a compound migraine.
I went to my chiropractor, got my neck cracked and was fine henceforth.... so much for some people's medical degree.
My take: don't take anything for granted, even jaded doctor's toilet paper hanging framed up on the wall. It was
not the first nor the last time shit like that happened.
GeekGoddess -- not every asshat is a control freak. :-P Unfortunately my wife has a tendency to get involved with
people who have all sorts of weird ideas about the physical universe, such as lakeside4003 describes. One does
not feel good about herself unless she punishes herself with food - a squirrel would balk at what she eats.
There's another who won't let me give her toddler a bite off my peach because it might not be organic. Another
can't sleep in her house if the wireless router is on because 'she can feel it in her head' and her flatmate
is a 'clearvoiant'. Funny, she can sleep in my house when she doesn't know the router is on overnight ....
It is my perception that some people are just ignorant about physics, about the laws of nature and so they
make up little stories about it to explain things to themselves, and then they believe in those stories.
About food, about electricity, about conspiracies ... and it's just ignorant asshattery. They can't and they
don't want to learn what's *really* going on.
Doesn't mean that with some it isn't controlling. I remember one ex-friend where all the food fights in the
family were about control via food -- not allowing the kids to eat this or that, every bite was laced with
conditions, vice versa the kids' fight-back was to not eat stuff ... cringe making to watch. Her ex husband
was what Terry Pratchett called an auto-condimentor. You know, the kind of idiot who has to put salt and
pepper on everything before ever tasting it. Also fight-back. I was always tempted to have a little joke
on him some day...
Incidentally, I also love cooking. Ever since I was 15. But I no longer have missionary zeal: if they don't
want to eat my fare: their loss, and all the more for me! Fuck'em. Don't play the refusers' games!
|
|
|
|
Post by tamara68 on Jan 30, 2017 8:35:06 GMT -5
Food has been a big control issue at my place too. Stbx had food allergy so naturally it was important to avoid certain foods. But he didn't just avoided the allergy stuff. He also read books about food allergies and avoided all kinds of additives that can possibly have side effects.
We never went to restaurants. We didn't have the money for that but also because he would never trust other people to prepare something decent.
When his food allergy was the worst, he could hardly tolerate anything. So only boring food was acceptable. I had to join in the boring diet because it would be mean if I could eat tasteful food that he couldn't eat.
Luckily it got a bit better over time.
|
|
|
|
Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 30, 2017 10:02:52 GMT -5
wow, didn't realize how consistent these issues are...
petrushka, how did you know my wife also avoids router 'emissions'? she even refused a wireless mouse for her laptop - do you all realize how difficult it is to find a wired mouse anymore?
btw, she's also been a zealot of 'tapping', 'earthing', energy healing and energy movement/chi and others...(ironically, things that are much closer to the feelings and endorphins released during sex)
...but who said logic had anything to do with this thread
|
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on Jan 30, 2017 12:47:23 GMT -5
I hate cooking.
I've always been bad at it....which makes me hate it! I'm usually pretty good at whatever I try my hand at.....except fucking cooking!
BUT he was a chef. A very bloody good one too, cooked for the royal family by invitation once.
Does he cook for me ever? No.
And when I make something, he always slates it, or silently eats a few mouthfuls and leaves the rest.
It's an issue!
One of many lol
EDIT..I have asked him to help me learn many times. But he doesn't let me learn. He takes over. So I stopped asking.
|
|
|
|
Post by snowman12345 on Jan 30, 2017 19:52:10 GMT -5
lakeside4003 -- that would be a bigger turnoff for me than no sex. Seriously. Food related zealotry says to me: this person's brain got accidentally cooked with mutant rays by aliens. snowman12345 -- your poster is convincing. Mostly. It is always worth it listening to professionals. But: I remember going to the doctor with dizzy spells, numb face and something else when I stood up. He diagnosed me with something that involves air bubbles in the inner ear
and gave me exercises to lie on the bed and move my head in such and such a way. I got a hell of a lot worse. I
enquired with Mrs. Google. Mrs. Google revealed that his diagnosis should have had the effect of making me dizzy
when I lie down. He completely ignored the numb face bit. Google also suggested I might have a compound migraine.
I went to my chiropractor, got my neck cracked and was fine henceforth.... so much for some people's medical degree.
My take: don't take anything for granted, even jaded doctor's toilet paper hanging framed up on the wall. It was
not the first nor the last time shit like that happened.
GeekGoddess -- not every asshat is a control freak. :-P Unfortunately my wife has a tendency to get involved with
people who have all sorts of weird ideas about the physical universe, such as lakeside4003 describes. One does
not feel good about herself unless she punishes herself with food - a squirrel would balk at what she eats.
There's another who won't let me give her toddler a bite off my peach because it might not be organic. Another
can't sleep in her house if the wireless router is on because 'she can feel it in her head' and her flatmate
is a 'clearvoiant'. Funny, she can sleep in my house when she doesn't know the router is on overnight ....
It is my perception that some people are just ignorant about physics, about the laws of nature and so they
make up little stories about it to explain things to themselves, and then they believe in those stories.
About food, about electricity, about conspiracies ... and it's just ignorant asshattery. They can't and they
don't want to learn what's *really* going on.
Doesn't mean that with some it isn't controlling. I remember one ex-friend where all the food fights in the
family were about control via food -- not allowing the kids to eat this or that, every bite was laced with
conditions, vice versa the kids' fight-back was to not eat stuff ... cringe making to watch. Her ex husband
was what Terry Pratchett called an auto-condimentor. You know, the kind of idiot who has to put salt and
pepper on everything before ever tasting it. Also fight-back. I was always tempted to have a little joke
on him some day...
Incidentally, I also love cooking. Ever since I was 15. But I no longer have missionary zeal: if they don't
want to eat my fare: their loss, and all the more for me! Fuck'em. Don't play the refusers' games! Quacks or snake oil salesmen, the result is the same - if sounds to good to be true, it probably is. |
|
|
|
Post by whuffo on Feb 16, 2017 16:08:32 GMT -5
I hate cooking. I've always been bad at it....which makes me hate it! I'm usually pretty good at whatever I try my hand at.....except fucking cooking! BUT he was a chef. A very bloody good one too, cooked for the royal family by invitation once. Does he cook for me ever? No. And when I make something, he always slates it, or silently eats a few mouthfuls and leaves the rest. It's an issue! One of many lol EDIT..I have asked him to help me learn many times. But he doesn't let me learn. He takes over. So I stopped asking. You know EO, some of my most fun, romantic, foreplayish (if you consider that a word!) times were when me and a former girlfriend (who couldn't cook either) hit the kitchen together. Usually we ended up with food all over, half dressed, burnt food (who cares if it stays in too long when you're in the middle of getting some, right?) but it was a whole lotta fun. So sorry that nobody ever took the time to bring you into the fun in the kitchen! |
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on Feb 17, 2017 0:30:07 GMT -5
I hate cooking. I've always been bad at it....which makes me hate it! I'm usually pretty good at whatever I try my hand at.....except fucking cooking! BUT he was a chef. A very bloody good one too, cooked for the royal family by invitation once. Does he cook for me ever? No. And when I make something, he always slates it, or silently eats a few mouthfuls and leaves the rest. It's an issue! One of many lol EDIT..I have asked him to help me learn many times. But he doesn't let me learn. He takes over. So I stopped asking. You know EO, some of my most fun, romantic, foreplayish (if you consider that a word!) times were when me and a former girlfriend (who couldn't cook either) hit the kitchen together. Usually we ended up with food all over, half dressed, burnt food (who cares if it stays in too long when you're in the middle of getting some, right?) but it was a whole lotta fun. So sorry that nobody ever took the time to bring you into the fun in the kitchen!  no fair! maybe someone will take me on as a project one day  x |
|
|
|
Post by cagedtiger on Feb 17, 2017 11:25:54 GMT -5
You know EO, some of my most fun, romantic, foreplayish (if you consider that a word!) times were when me and a former girlfriend (who couldn't cook either) hit the kitchen together. Usually we ended up with food all over, half dressed, burnt food (who cares if it stays in too long when you're in the middle of getting some, right?) but it was a whole lotta fun. So sorry that nobody ever took the time to bring you into the fun in the kitchen! no fair! maybe someone will take me on as a project one day x This calls for another Tiger Tale... |
|
|
|
Post by cagedtiger on Feb 17, 2017 11:45:34 GMT -5
My wife is the opposite from most of the stories here.
I've always loved cooking, and I've been told more than a couple of times that I'm very good at it. I love perusing the local farmer's markets and ethnic grocers, seeing what's in season and challenging myself to combine those ingredients in new and different ways to create tasty, healthy dishes. In addition I've always been a bit of a foodie and have previously dated other foodies and chefs, who introduced me to new worlds of flavors, textures, and techniques. Needless to say, I have a very adventurous palette.
The wife, on the other hand, has a very, very narrow comfort zone of what she'll eat, and forget eating leftovers more than maybe once. There were so many times I'd cook elaborate dishes, with enough left over for dinner later in the week or to take for lunches, and if I didn't eat the rest myself, it was getting thrown away or sitting in the fridge going bad.
Add on top of this that she's been terribly unhappy and insecure with her physical appearance and weight. I'd done everything in my power to help with that, from getting rid of all the junk food in the house, to planning meals and making salads, soups, sandwiches, etc for lunches, buying fresh fruits and vegetables for snacks and breakfast smoothies, and cooking healthy dinners as mentioned above...
...and the vast majority of my efforts have been in vain, as she'd still hit the fast food for lunch, and breakfasts, and she'd still want take-out from one or more of her handful of go-to places instead of what I'd cooked.
The subtext behind that played a pretty big part of my decision to leave, honestly.
|
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Feb 17, 2017 13:31:22 GMT -5
Partnerships are tough. How can you be yourself, take care of yourself as you see best for yourself if that way is different from your partner's way? And the thing with that is we all are evolving on our own paths as time goes on, so some of us will veer in different directions than our partner sometimes. Things pop up that are important to you that you may have not thought to consider when you first met someone.
Sometimes in a partnership we do have to veer off on our own path to take care of ourselves. Don't we?
Okay -- so I started a new way of eating for myself 3 months ago and I am close to losing the 30 pounds I gained from my "falling in love years." In order to achieve this, though, I have had to say no to splitting burgers/fries/pitchers of beer/appetizers with my husband. This was hard to do because it was something he and I enjoyed together so I felt tremendous guilt at first, but he has been 100% supportive of me. (I am SO thankful) I am doing the low-carb, high fat, moderate protein route and it's a tough lifestyle but I know it's worth it for me because the signs I had of heart disease have vanished, I sleep without snoring, I run up and down stairs without pain, I am shrinking into my small clothes again, no signs of anxiety/depression and I just feel overall good about myself.
That said, I do not nag him to join me and I still stay human. I had beer/pizza at the hockey game without worrying about it - got back to it the next day. I still bake him my famous chocolate chip cookies (don't even have temptation to lick the batter) while I make my own kind of treats. We always cook together - sometimes it's the same meal, sometimes it's separate meals. Sundays we plan our meals for the week and shop. (I haven't had to grocery shop on my own since we moved in together and I love it).
SO why am I am sharing all of this... I don't know. I like special kinds of foods, but I am not a controller. I just wanted to get that out there. lol I just think there is a WAY to live side-by-side without needing to merge "as one" but yet be a happy, intimate couple. We don't have to like the "same things" all the time - may even have radical different views of what is and isn't healthy. But still love each other, connect, share, etc. Right?
When a couple is happy together those differences aren't glaring problems. I think that's what I want to say? Sorry -- rambling.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2017 14:17:24 GMT -5
Maybe some of you remember my friend "Amy" who is a refuser. She is the person addressed in my "abridged letter to a refuser" which is in the thread of old EP ILIASM posts.
Well, if you remember her - you probably will not be surprised to learn that she's weird about food and especially weird about medical stuff.
Her primary care physician is actually a chiropractor, and I suspect he's a crook, because Amy thinks he can know the feelings of people he's never even met who live 200 miles away.
She refuses absolutely to use mainstream medicine. She takes occasional teaspoons of some stuff in a bottle that looked like plain water to me. She has never had her 11 year old son vaccinated.
In terms of mental health care, she won't take the more modern SSRI antidepressants. And she will not even consider cognitive-behavioral therapy for talk therapy. CBT was the best thing in the world for me. I know not every mode of therapy is right for every person; but knowing Amy, I think she doesn't like CBT because she would have to rethink almost everything she believes. And that is the one thing that scares her to death.
Yeah, she has a lot of problems. I am no longer in touch with her nearly as much or as closely as I used to be - and I prefer it this way.
|
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Feb 17, 2017 14:21:46 GMT -5
Add on top of this that she's been terribly unhappy and insecure with her physical appearance and weight. I'd done everything in my power to help with that, from getting rid of all the junk food in the house, to planning meals and making salads, soups, sandwiches, etc for lunches, buying fresh fruits and vegetables for snacks and breakfast smoothies, and cooking healthy dinners as mentioned above... ...and the vast majority of my efforts have been in vain, as she'd still hit the fast food for lunch, and breakfasts, and she'd still want take-out from one or more of her handful of go-to places instead of what I'd cooked. The subtext behind that played a pretty big part of my decision to leave, honestly. We can't fix each other, we can only support each other. Not saying you were trying to do that. Did your wife participate in the planning, healthy changes? It's hard to be with someone who is unhappy but yet unwilling to take strides to get better/find peace, etc. My husband is a fixer so when I first started talking about not being happy with my weight gain he wanted to kind of guide me, etc. but I told him to just love me, I would find my way. And that is what I did. He SUPPORTS me by not complaining when I say no to beer and apps and order salmon/salad/whiskey instead. He has been gaining the weight I have been losing, but I don't lecture him or tell him, "you know... this lo-carb, high fat thing works." lol I am tempted.. but I don't -- and so help me, I won't. But back to the original thought process I had from reading all this -- does my husband NEED a partner who shares beer/apps with him? I seriously questioned this when I first started making my diet change - I was sad and terrified over it. (as silly as that may sound). I can't answer for him, but I can for myself - do I NEED a partner who shares salmon/salad/whiskey with me? No. Not at all. I need my husband and what we have and that does not involve his food choices. I love this group for getting me thinking. |
|
no fair!
x
