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Why?
Feb 3, 2017 22:21:44 GMT -5
wewbwb likes this
Post by RumRunner on Feb 3, 2017 22:21:44 GMT -5
In my opinion, the "why" does matter. If I knew why, then maybe I can understand the reason that the "why" has happened, and perhaps I can learn from it; either to prevent it from happening again or knowing what to do about it. Even if I cannot fix it, if I knew why then I would know for sure what the problem is. For me, it is all about knowledge.
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Post by obobfla on Feb 3, 2017 22:42:21 GMT -5
If you get the "Why" for your spouse %100 correct, %50 correct, or %10 correct that does not change the "red flags" that you are now aware of once the FOG is lifted. NOW it is up to us to understand "why" we ignored those red flags, that those red flags continue to occur in other areas of our marriages, and our life, and how to end them from re-occurring through having boundaries and enforcing them. (like lucy and the football) That's my problem - I know why I don't have sex with my wife. It's the damn chemicals in her brain that are malfunctioning. The medicine she takes helps the brain a bit, but it does nothing to fix the problems with her hormones. So far, no doctors have been able to fix it. I know my wife fights her illness. I just wish she fought harder. I know she loves me as much as she is able. She is just not very able. I knew she was defective, but I didn't know how defective she was. Then again, I don't necessarily go for "normal" women anyway. I'm defective too, so I figured we would make the best of our defects. Last week, I listened to a CD she made 14 years ago. She recorded herself singing lullabies to our son, who was not even born at the time. She had a beautiful voice then, and she smiled a lot more. Now, she can no longer sing and rarely smiles. I felt like crying, knowing that there is no way of her being the happy person she used to be. That person is still inside her, but she rarely comes out anymore. And when that woman comes out, she doesn't stay long. It's back to being her scared self again. |
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Post by lyn on Feb 5, 2017 19:58:20 GMT -5
I think we all have chased the "why". Of course we would, we're human. We can eventually "get the why", just important to keep in the back of one's mind that it's only our own convoluted assessment of the situation- of our spouse.
Even if they tell us why to our faces...... it's more than likely just words reflecting their own delusion.
It's very hard, maybe impossible, to be completely honest with oneself - high libido, low libido, doesn't really matter. What seems to matter are the facts - just plain incompatibility at the end of the day.
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Post by baza on Feb 6, 2017 21:29:48 GMT -5
There's a lot in what you say Sister lyn.
Basically, every scenario of ILIASM shitholes in this group tells a tale of basic incompatability.
That's the "why" - basic incompatibility.
Unalterable basic incompatibility, and, unsurprisingly, sex is absent from the scenario as well, as you'd expect.
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Post by solodriver on Feb 7, 2017 4:49:08 GMT -5
If you get the "Why" for your spouse %100 correct, %50 correct, or %10 correct that does not change the "red flags" that you are now aware of once the FOG is lifted. NOW it is up to us to understand "why" we ignored those red flags, that those red flags continue to occur in other areas of our marriages, and our life, and how to end them from re-occurring through having boundaries and enforcing them. (like lucy and the football) I bet Lucy was a refuser! |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Feb 7, 2017 8:29:12 GMT -5
If I understand a situation, I can accept that reality is what it is. Turns out, even when I don't understand or try not to accept it: reality STILL is what it is. My job is to figure out my own choices & plan of action. When I changed from chasing his why to planning & pursuing my own happiness, that's when I contacted the lawyer & wrote my letter about my decisions. Only my own Why matters. Why I let it go on so long ties to my subpar self-worth beliefs. Understanding those, so I can change those self-limiting beliefs, is the only path for me that can result in my growth & improve my odds for feeling fulfilled & happy with my life. Also though I liked DryCreek's distinction that they why can matter (b/c at early stages, it may possibly be fixable) but the Why chasing - that's the part unlikely to be productive. |
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Post by WindSister on Feb 20, 2017 15:44:43 GMT -5
The why mattered as I was navigating my way through staying or leaving. In the end, the "why" as I understand it is he didn't love me. Period.
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