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Post by lwoetin on Jan 14, 2018 16:31:30 GMT -5
whuffo Thank you. But let's have a proper discussion and talk about why I can't get laid if that's what I really look like. this must be one of those trick questions.
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 14, 2018 16:33:59 GMT -5
whuffo Thank you. But let's have a proper discussion and talk about why I can't get laid if that's what I really look like. Here's the rub... When you're with a partner who likes sex, you don't have to look amazing to be desired. It's a very nice bonus, but not prerequisite. And they'll appreciate your effort to stay in shape, wear lingerie, etc. Each of us can reflect on how we've desired our spouses even when they weren't at their finest. Your partner can and should feel that way about you too. It's not you. The Coke machine is broken.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 14, 2018 17:49:02 GMT -5
DryCreek That video could've saved me decades of my life had I seen it sooner. THANK YOU for sharing. So....If I figured out that my Coke Machine was broken a few years ago (and filed for divorce), why did I choose THE SAME EXACT Coke Machine for the affair/non-affair partner? Do I have a Withholding fetish?
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 14, 2018 18:20:35 GMT -5
DryCreek That video could've saved me decades of my life had I seen it sooner. THANK YOU for sharing. So....If I figured out that my Coke Machine was broken a few years ago (and filed for divorce), why did I choose THE SAME EXACT Coke Machine for the affair/non-affair partner? Do I have a Withholding fetish? I'll take a stab at that ( I'm no therapist) You may just be riddled with insecurities . That would be normal after decades of being married to a dismissive avoidant, and being raised by a bi-polar parent (I can relate). You have a much better chance of recovering from being a co-dependent and finding a better, fulfilling life with good relationships, than your H. Your therapist needs to re-enforce that. Demand it, get what you pay for, or find another.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 14, 2018 18:27:15 GMT -5
greatcoastalYou've met me. What was your take? Did I seem insecure? The answer won't hurt my feelings! (Well, even if it does, I want to know!)
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 14, 2018 18:42:55 GMT -5
DryCreek That video could've saved me decades of my life had I seen it sooner. THANK YOU for sharing. So....If I figured out that my Coke Machine was broken a few years ago (and filed for divorce), why did I choose THE SAME EXACT Coke Machine for the affair/non-affair partner? Do I have a Withholding fetish? It seems so simple when he explains it, no? I would suggest with AP two things came to play: 1) He intentionally deceived you. You tried to do diligence, and his behavior wasn't apparent. 2) You were focused on solving for the problem at-hand (lack of intimacy), and overlooked other qualities that haven't been an issue with H. Like commitment. From what you describe, it sounds like you did more than average evaluation of the AP beforehand, so #2 seems less likely, but maybe still some influence. In your shoes it may feel like you're batting 0 for 2, but I'd argue that AP is not unavailable for you in the ways H is. He's unwilling to commit, and that's a fail, but you didn't pick a clone of your husband. Personally, I *totally* fell into trap #2 with W. I solved for all the issues from the last relationship, and projected all the good parts onto her when I should have been far more critical.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 14, 2018 19:35:20 GMT -5
greatcoastal You've met me. What was your take? Did I seem insecure? The answer won't hurt my feelings! (Well, even if it does, I want to know!) That is a deep question. I hope I answer it well. So many thoughts, sorry if they come out jumbled. Everyone is insecure about things in their life. That's natural. Some people are very good at hiding it. I consider that a strong part of narcissism. (like our spouses) You did not seem insecure when we met and planned our meeting. My obligation and thoughts of duty, wanted to help you drop your guard and confine in me. I wanted your trust. Then we shared our insecurities that come from our years of circumstances. We both understood each others emotions. I particularly told you about FWB and ms 23 yr old, that was his loss and your gain! You deserve much better than that. Your physical appearance is the least of your worries! You where still deeply hurt by what happened. You dismissed the thought of learning from it and moving on. An insecurity that is easily understandable after what you have been through. Not to go too deep here, for the next two seasons try to focus on what gives you joy, and self worth, not what others think of you. Don't allow someone else to determine your self worth. You used the word "withholding fetish" to me that sparked the word insecurities. All a logical part of living in a SM. Hope that's helpful, I could be wrong.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 14, 2018 19:46:47 GMT -5
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Post by whuffo on Jan 15, 2018 4:33:43 GMT -5
whuffo Thank you. But let's have a proper discussion and talk about why I can't get laid if that's what I really look like. So far, the answers are dead on. It doesn't matter what you look like. Your personality matters not either. There is absolutely nothing broken on your end. Same on my side. I allowed someone that does not hold the same value of sex in marriage as I do. I was painted one picture, but as soon as "I do" happened, the ink peeled off the painting and the stained canvas is all that remains.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jan 16, 2018 1:42:07 GMT -5
I’ll probably delete this, but I am under the weather and not feeling great about my looks this weekend, so this is from September, at the height of when I was working out all the time (I’ve gained back like 3-4 lbs). I’m 5’8” and have curly hair and brown eyes... ibb.co/bUKuxR
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Post by whuffo on Jan 16, 2018 5:57:41 GMT -5
I’ll probably delete this, but I am under the weather and not feeling great about my looks this weekend, so this is from September, at the height of when I was working out all the time (I’ve gained back like 3-4 lbs). I’m 5’8” and have curly hair and brown eyes... ibb.co/bUKuxRAnother example of why we can't let our refusers mess with our heads. You look great as well. All the exercise, clothes, lingerie in the world won't keep their interest up. So that's why I still work out... To keep myself happy and healthy. Plus I had a job my whole life that demanded high physical fitness. So I do it for me and me alone. She's no more interested in me when I'm in top shape or after I put on some weight after some big injuries put me out of commission for a year.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jan 16, 2018 10:41:30 GMT -5
I’ll probably delete this, but I am under the weather and not feeling great about my looks this weekend, so this is from September, at the height of when I was working out all the time (I’ve gained back like 3-4 lbs). I’m 5’8” and have curly hair and brown eyes... ibb.co/bUKuxRAnother example of why we can't let our refusers mess with our heads. You look great as well. All the exercise, clothes, lingerie in the world won't keep their interest up. So that's why I still work out... To keep myself happy and healthy. Plus I had a job my whole life that demanded high physical fitness. So I do it for me and me alone. She's no more interested in me when I'm in top shape or after I put on some weight after some big injuries put me out of commission for a year. Thank you. I did not sleep well last night and woke up thinking my whole problem is that I’m just not a good person (maybe a thread on that later). Over the years, I’ve tried nutrition, exercise, lingerie, more makeup, less makeup, dressing up, dressing down, being the initiator, letting him take the lead, and all sorts of other ways to get him interested in me again. About 6 years ago, I found out he had been mad af me this entire time and was withholding deliberately. Almost 3 years ago, I left him. He did everything he could to win me back. We now have sex a couple of times per year (like last night).
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Post by whuffo on Jan 16, 2018 14:43:32 GMT -5
Thank you. I did not sleep well last night and woke up thinking my whole problem is that I’m just not a good person (maybe a thread on that later). Over the years, I’ve tried nutrition, exercise, lingerie, more makeup, less makeup, dressing up, dressing down, being the initiator, letting him take the lead, and all sorts of other ways to get him interested in me again. About 6 years ago, I found out he had been mad af me this entire time and was withholding deliberately. Almost 3 years ago, I left him. He did everything he could to win me back. We now have sex a couple of times per year (like last night). I've seen that recurring theme here many times.... we all have to stop the why chasing. I did and it was pretty liberating. I know I'm not perfect, faaaaaaaaar from it... but I did not manipulate myself into a marriage on false pretenses. Now, the only question I'm asking myself is "how much longer can I continue". All signs are pointing to not much longer. And it's been giving me a bit of peace because her days of manipulation and control are coming to an end.
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Post by saarinista on Jan 17, 2018 19:01:40 GMT -5
mypaintbrushes Hey, I'm a girl, but for what it's worth I think you look great! Please don't beat yourself up about 3-4 pounds or anything else for that matter. Otherwise, I might have to beat myself up. Anyway, I think SM problems are rarely about looks, but other stuff.
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Post by obobfla on Jan 17, 2018 19:07:43 GMT -5
Thank you. I did not sleep well last night and woke up thinking my whole problem is that I’m just not a good person (maybe a thread on that later). Over the years, I’ve tried nutrition, exercise, lingerie, more makeup, less makeup, dressing up, dressing down, being the initiator, letting him take the lead, and all sorts of other ways to get him interested in me again. About 6 years ago, I found out he had been mad af me this entire time and was withholding deliberately. Almost 3 years ago, I left him. He did everything he could to win me back. We now have sex a couple of times per year (like last night). I spent the first part of my life believing I was not a good person. Part of the reason is that I expected myself to be a famous superhero/rockstar/author, and I was none of those things. Because I could not do the impossible, I was a failure. Now I realize that I am an ordinary asshole, and that’s okay. Life’s easier when you’re an asshole, accept it, and realize everyone else is an asshole too.
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