|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 12, 2017 8:10:14 GMT -5
Hello all.
As some of you may have seen I am a fairly new participant to this forum. After spending a week or so here soaking up the testimonials and even some of the lighter banter that can be found, I have decided to journal in these forums with an eye to funneling my thoughts and energy. After a few posts, I have found that writing my thoughts can be highly therapeutic and provides some much needed release. I am selfishly doing this for myself, but if it benefits others in any way than all the more useful.
For my first few posts I will copy and paste entries I have already written elsewhere for the sake of continuity, progression and centralization. Hopefully that does not break any forum rules. Thanks for reading and let me know what you think.
|
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 12, 2017 8:12:52 GMT -5
My intro was originally posted on July 11th
---
Hey everyone.
I am new to the forum. I have been lurking over the past week or so and thought it was time to stop being rude and introduce myself. I see myself reflected in so many of these stories. I feel like responding to each one (and have in some cases) to say yup this is me. It is an amazing place and have found some comfort reading your stories.
Im a youngish 46. Married for 17 years. Unlike many of the stories here, I do believe my W likes sex. In fact our last session was a quickie but pretty memorable (I'll write a post about that to get your thoughts). But our relationship is borderline sexless while I am very high libido. I am aware of the fact that many people would settle for once a month or every other month. Especially at my age or above. But quite frankly, I would love to do it in the morning and at night for 3 or 4 days on end. It used to be this way for the first 12 years or so. The last 5 years it has started to go downhill. I think the last 3 years we might average 10-15 times a year. But what kills me is the increasing rejection. When we do become intimate, its me that initiates. And most of the time, when I am not rejected, it feels like duty sex. So maybe enjoyable sex once every 4-5 months. It pains me that I even track this stuff. I never used to. One day I found myself trying to remember our last time together and from then on I tracked. Now when she gets into it, she gets into it, and its pretty phenomenal. Some folks I talk to think I should take what I can get and be thankful. To be honest, if my libido was lower, I don't think it would be a problem. But the reality is the amount of rejection leaves me feeling lonely. And expressing myself sexually seems to make her angry and stressed which causes tension in our relationship. So I don't know where that puts me in the SM spectrum. Mildly SM? Up to now, I considered it a libido mismatch.
Lately, I don't want to try anymore because frequency is about once a month or sometimes longer. When I read the stories I think it will only get worse from here. I am not ready yet to grieve for my sex life.
However, since I moved out of the bedroom and stopped initiating, her behavior and attitude have started to change. There is less tension and anger. It feels like a transition to co-parenting and friendship. But it leaves me feeling worse when I think of it like that. Like the sex life with W is done and she is happy that I don't put pressure on her. There is more, recently my flirting game has started to re-appear. in my sexual frustration, I had a few racy chats with someone I met online who is also SM. I also have had a few other real life flirtations via text and face to face. Quite honestly, the flirting adds a bounce to my step. To feel desired. And yet, it comes with the price of guilt.
Not ready to fill the whole story yet. That will come. Thanks for reading!
|
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 12, 2017 8:16:52 GMT -5
And this was originally posted in response to a fantastic thread by the user Chatter Fox called A taste of my own medicine... ------ July 12 2017 Y'all will have to forgive me. Since I found this forum, I have found it highly absorbing and I am soaking up as much as I can handle. That said, I realize this is a response to an old post, but wow did the post resonate. The question of victimization looms large in my case, and I suspect many SM relationships. And while I feel that I have the intellectual aptitude to recognize that victimization and manipulation exists, and to also recognize that its happening in both directions (accepting this truth is painful and emotionally exhausting, but liberating at the same time), I feel woefully and inadequately unequipped with the right emotional and communication tools to deal with the situation at hand eventhough I acknowledge its existence. I see myself as a victim in my SM relationship. And I know for a fact that my wife also perceives that SHE is the victim. What is becoming quickly and painfully clear is that I have been an enabler of emotional manipulation by trying to be the "nice" guy, understanding and sensitive to her needs. But I am willing to bet she does not necessarily see it this way, but rather sees it as a campaign to guilt her into sex. Her response mechanism is one of anger and dramatics (she is passionate in all of the ways) At the same time, she also plays the victim card by "making excuses" about her lack of enthusiasm (the list is long and you've all heard the excuses). I in turn find this to be a form of emotional manipulation which builds resentment (on top of the lack of intimacy). I need to sit down now and have a coffee because this type of processing can be overwhelming for me. Suffice to say that as I deliberate these circumstances in my thoughts, I am quickly (I think) moving towards owning my actions and liberating myself from the chains of victimhood that are holding me back. It is scary because I feel like I am stumbling into the unknown. As an example, she recently suggested I leave. (Another manipulation tactic, although rather underwhelming, since I dont believe she was being serious). I told her no. Which is what I believe she wanted to hear (for reassurance), but the manner and forcefulness in which it was delivered caught her off guard. In truth, there are days where I think heavily about leaving, but Ive come to the realization that I will not be haste with that decision, nor pressured into it. Im owning it. See? I feel empowered as I focus internally on myself and less externally, on the relationship. I feel that I have a lot of work to do on myself that involves healing, self improvement, and communication of my feelings and expectations. I am grateful I have found this site. To learn from others, and as a medium of expression. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jul 12, 2017 8:25:51 GMT -5
There is no reason a married couple can't have sex once a week minimum.
Marriage is about compromise and her once a month isn't enough for you and your 3-4 times a week is obviously too much for her so there needs to be a compromise.
If she's not willing to compromise then why be married?
|
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 12, 2017 8:45:42 GMT -5
Yeah agreed. I think a compromise is the way to go. I could live with once a week. The sexual tension would definitely build up for me. Reminds me of this conversation I once had with an 82 year old doctor who still practices medicine and sex. He told me he scheduled it with his girlfriend twice a week. He looks forward to it and when the day comes, bam! (with his hip and arms swaying, lol) There is no reason a married couple can't have sex once a week minimum. Marriage is about compromise and her once a month isn't enough for you and your 3-4 times a week is obviously too much for her so there needs to be a compromise. If she's not willing to compromise then why be married? |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jul 12, 2017 8:56:54 GMT -5
Yeah agreed. I think a compromise is the way to go. I could live with once a week. The sexual tension would definitely build up for me. Reminds me of this conversation I once had with an 82 year old doctor who still practices medicine and sex. He told me he scheduled it with his girlfriend twice a week. He looks forward to it and when the day comes, bam! (with his hip and arms swaying, lol) There is no reason a married couple can't have sex once a week minimum. Marriage is about compromise and her once a month isn't enough for you and your 3-4 times a week is obviously too much for her so there needs to be a compromise. If she's not willing to compromise then why be married? That's great I'm all for scheduled sex. I don't think anything is wrong with it or that it takes away from the spontaneity. I also thing the more people have sex the more they will want it. Almost the opposite of use it or lose it, which I believe in too. But I know if I have sex on a Monday then I want more on Tuesday. I had sex July 1,2,and 3 on the 4th I was good. I also had it on the 9th. July has been a good month so far. |
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Jul 13, 2017 13:55:24 GMT -5
Yeah agreed. I think a compromise is the way to go. I could live with once a week. The sexual tension would definitely build up for me. Reminds me of this conversation I once had with an 82 year old doctor who still practices medicine and sex. He told me he scheduled it with his girlfriend twice a week. He looks forward to it and when the day comes, bam! (with his hip and arms swaying, lol) That's great I'm all for scheduled sex. I don't think anything is wrong with it or that it takes away from the spontaneity. I also thing the more people have sex the more they will want it. Almost the opposite of use it or lose it, which I believe in too. But I know if I have sex on a Monday then I want more on Tuesday. I had sex July 1,2,and 3 on the 4th I was good. I also had it on the 9th. July has been a good month so far. There's a problem with that idea. If it were true, there would be no one here. It would be an empty room. I know that was true for me, and why being put on the monthly plan the day after my wedding was so traumatic. But for some people, the less they have sex the happier they will be. As best I can figure it. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jul 13, 2017 14:01:35 GMT -5
That's great I'm all for scheduled sex. I don't think anything is wrong with it or that it takes away from the spontaneity. I also thing the more people have sex the more they will want it. Almost the opposite of use it or lose it, which I believe in too. But I know if I have sex on a Monday then I want more on Tuesday. I had sex July 1,2,and 3 on the 4th I was good. I also had it on the 9th. July has been a good month so far. There's a problem with that idea. If it were true, there would be no one here. It would be an empty room. I know that was true for me, and why being put on the monthly plan the day after my wedding was so traumatic. But for some people, the less they have sex the happier they will be. As best I can figure it. I see your point and I agree with you. I think my statement is true for high libido people. Again high libido and low libido have no business being in relationships together. Of course when I met my husband and fell in love, I had no idea what a libido even was. Uggh! Young and naive. |
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Jul 13, 2017 14:05:13 GMT -5
"I also think the more people have sex the more they will want it."There's a problem with that idea. If it were true, there would be no one here. It would be an empty room. I know that was true for me, and why being put on the monthly plan the day after my wedding was so traumatic. But for some people, the less they have sex the happier they will be. As best I can figure it. I see your point and I agree with you. I think my statement is true for high libido people. Again high libido and low libido have no business being in relationships together. Of course when I met my husband and fell in love, I had no idea what a libido even was. Uggh! Young and naive. Scheduling sex with a low libido partner is like a never ending root canal job. From their perspective. Once a week, twice a week? How many root canals can you endure? |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jul 13, 2017 14:46:29 GMT -5
I see your point and I agree with you. I think my statement is true for high libido people. Again high libido and low libido have no business being in relationships together. Of course when I met my husband and fell in love, I had no idea what a libido even was. Uggh! Young and naive. Scheduling sex with a low libido partner is like a never ending root canal job. From their perspective. Once a week, twice a week? How many root canals can you endure? Great analogy!! So true! Could you believe after my H had sex with me sometimes I asked him if he wanted another root canal? Needless to say we NEVER had a round 2. |
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Jul 13, 2017 14:51:34 GMT -5
Scheduling sex with a low libido partner is like a never ending root canal job. From their perspective. Once a week, twice a week? How many root canals can you endure? Great analogy!! So true! Could you believe after my H had sex with me sometimes I asked him if he wanted another root canal? Needless to say we NEVER had a round 2. God, how I love you BBG  This is just too much! |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jul 13, 2017 14:54:04 GMT -5
Great analogy!! So true! Could you believe after my H had sex with me sometimes I asked him if he wanted another root canal? Needless to say we NEVER had a round 2. God, how I love you BBG This is just too much! You know I love you too! Xoxo |
|
|
|
Post by csl on Jul 13, 2017 17:28:51 GMT -5
I see your point and I agree with you. I think my statement is true for high libido people. Again high libido and low libido have no business being in relationships together. Of course when I met my husband and fell in love, I had no idea what a libido even was. Uggh! Young and naive. Scheduling sex with a low libido partner is like a never ending root canal job. From their perspective. Once a week, twice a week? How many root canals can you endure? And this is just wrong. In fact, the DiLorenzos of OneExtrardinaryMarriage saved their marriage and have been using it for a decade. Reading to learn rather than confirm bias might be a good idea. |
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Jul 13, 2017 17:37:40 GMT -5
Scheduling sex with a low libido partner is like a never ending root canal job. From their perspective. Once a week, twice a week? How many root canals can you endure? And this is just wrong. In fact, the DiLorenzos of OneExtrardinaryMarriage saved their marriage and have been using it for a decade. Reading to learn rather than confirm bias might be a good idea. You are making a general statement, but your evidence consists of one outlier incident. The world does not revolve around outlier incidents intended to prove a faulty premise. And this forum, at the moment, is full of people dealing with spouses that are so sex negative they literally would rather have a root canal. Surely you must do some reading here to learn. |
|
|
|
Post by csl on Jul 13, 2017 22:43:14 GMT -5
And this is just wrong. In fact, the DiLorenzos of OneExtrardinaryMarriage saved their marriage and have been using it for a decade. Reading to learn rather than confirm bias might be a good idea. You are making a general statement, but your evidence consists of one outlier incident. The world does not revolve around outlier incidents intended to prove a faulty premise. And this forum, at the moment, is full of people dealing with spouses that are so sex negative they literally would rather have a root canal. Surely you must do some reading here to learn. Geez, you make it so easy. Really? An outlier? You're gonna go with that? It took all of 10 seconds to go to Bing (I don't use Google) and search on the phrase "scheduling sex". Here you go: CNN, 2 Huffington Post, Prevention, Women's Health Magazine - outliers? Oh, and over 5mil hits in that search. Yes, I do some reading here to learn. I also share info gained from reading other sources. ETA: Forgot to mention that I wrote about scheduling in a post on my blog, and a few months later, a reader named Mike wrote the following in a comment on a different post: He called my article on scheduling sex "a game changer" in his marriage. |
|
This is just too much!