|
|
Post by TMD on Sept 12, 2017 21:15:34 GMT -5
Love Languages is a real thing, I really believe it. I know that is the reason I feel so intune with my husband - we both have the same love languages: touch/affection; words of affirmation; quality time and then acts of service and gifts (in that order with touch/affection being super high). When we were at a wedding last weekend, he had his arm around me and was caressing my back throughout the whole ceremony (my hand was on his knee/thigh, he sometimes held my hand with his other hand, too). If something touched his heart from the ceremony (the vows were so real and beautiful) he would kiss my forehead. Later, at the reception we overheard his ex wife talking to her best friend and she said how he and I still "put on a big show" with our affections. I was shocked at how nasty she sounded but I knew she was nasty behind the scenes because my husband said she's fake. Anyway, we both just rolled our eyes at each other and hightailed it out of there so she didn't know we heard. We had fun toying with her the rest of the night. lol But, truthfully, it's NO SHOW. It's US. We sit right next to each other on the couch at home, watching a movie, hands on thighs, squeezing. Holding hands. Snuggling. No one around to witness - it's US. When you find someone who DOES speak your love language it becomes apparent why it couldn't work with someone who doesn't. You don't FEEL loved unless they speak your language. Simple as that. We will never "hold back" to make others more comfortable. I know he loves me when he has his arm around me. I love and need that and he does too. It's what we do. Hell, he and his ex wife didn't even kiss on their wedding day (they didn't think of it - they were young and forced into it because of the pregnancy). His ex and her new man are never even really near each other at these functions. I have never seen them touch or be affectionate. And that's cool for them. But it's not us. Don't judge us as "putting on a show though" - or do, I don't care, I am happy. lol But, yes - it's good to know your love language and hold out for someone who at least is willing to express love in ways you can hear/feel. I'm late to this discussion. I normally avoid, "love language," threads because the concept pissed me off when I was first coming to terms with my damaged marriage. Maybe I was mad that I realized me and roommate don't mesh. But this response, WindSister, made something click. I get it. I see how it works. Effectively. Thanks for sharing your experience. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 26, 2018 14:08:45 GMT -5
I was with a mentor friend of mine the other day and we where discussing our teenage daughters. My friend asked me if I had talked to my daughter about her love language?. My daughter is 15 1/2 now and talks to me about her boyfriend quiet regularly.
I thought "that's not a bad idea, and we communicate so much better now without her mom around".
My daughter liked it and quickly agreed to take it. Her results where (quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, and receiving gifts) I was so pleased! No wonder we get along so well! My results are (physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and receiving gifts).
I can see why physical touch may be second to my daughter next to quality time, she hasn't had as much physical touch experience , yet( Thank God for our very loving always affectionate dog!)
My daughter really liked the definition of quality time. She launched into an explanation about how much she needed that from her last boy friend and how he didn't deliver. Things like, " I will text him a simple question several sentences long and it will be three hours before I hear back from him. Then all he says is "okay". or " I remember when I asked him things like ,what's your favorite food? he would say pizza. I would ask him, what's your favorite color? he would say, blue. But he would never think to ask me what my favorites where!"
She also told me how much her and her female friends hug each other ,all the time, whenever they see each other.
We went on to talk about how her boy friend lived a good 30+ minutes away on the other end of her school district, how he doesn't want to even get his driving permit, how his parents won't take him anywhere or allow him to go anywhere, and how he spends his time on video games at home.
I then lovingly tell her, " that's not someone who is going to give you the quality time you deserve". I then go on to tell her about my ex (her mom's) act of service requests. My daughter responds with "yeh, we tell mom, you expect everyone to do things for you, yet you don't do anything for anyone else so why should we do anything for you?"
I went on to tell my daughter " you should discuss love languages with your next boyfriend".
Then there is me. I plan on discussing it with other woman who I get to know in the future. I've already experienced the negative of having such different love languages. I also agree that someone who expects acts of service but doesn't give anything towards any other love languages is a deal breaker.
I can only imagine what it will be like having the same love language with some one my age.
I'd like to read more about how people end up with their love language? Since my daughter and mine are the same.
|
|
|
|
Post by elynne on May 29, 2018 11:44:50 GMT -5
I think my love languages are touch and words of affirmation. I love nothing more than watching the kids play and h walks up from behind and wraps his arms around me to watch the kids with me over my shoulder. I melt. I feel so happy and at ease. Loved and like I totally belong. H knows this but very rarely does it.
I think his love languages are probably quality time and maybe acts of service? He doesn’t like getting gifts. He disparages compliments if I give them. Touch is certainly not one of his love languages.
How do you determine someone’s love languages before you start dating? I think if I ever get to the point where I’m considering a new relationship I’ve got some non-negotiable criteria!
1. Love languages of words of affirmation and touch!
2. Secure attachment style.
3. Not a head-whacker. There will be no head whacking ala Red from That Seventies Show.
That’s the beginning of my list.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 29, 2018 12:36:48 GMT -5
Of all the love languages I really struggle understanding Acts Of Service. I certainly have no problem GIVING acts of service. (Mercy and service are my two highest spiritual gifts) but there seems to be this 'connection' between the rejector in a SM, and their love language of 'Acts of Service'.
Here's some random thoughts. When the rejector receives acts of service many things happen. It's never good enough, it makes you serve them, it soon becomes an expexctation, making you week and them in control, and they give nothing back, maybe a ceremonial, "thank you" similiar to the "thank you for shopping at walmart" from the cashier.
Other thoughts about 'acts of service'. I can go around my community -or my own household- doing countless acts of service and have zero interaction with another person. (putting away shopping carts, picking up trash at the beach, dusting the house sweeping the floors)
So it stands to reason that the person who wants "Acts of Service" has a fear of expressing love in return, by receiving acts of service the smallest amount of interaction is required.
Ever do a random act of service for a total stranger? or someone you know but they will never know who did it? You at least give yourself satisfaction, and the self joy of giving, but did the other person appreciate it? You hope so, if not, it doesn't matter, you still have the satisfaction of your effort.
Words of affirmation can be done online or over the phone , but it is still communicating with another person.
The one love language that seems to need the highest amount of interaction between two people is touch. Think about what that says about you as a person? What you give and want from other people! You are being bold, brave, submissive, and vulnerable. A risk. Risks have paybacks too!
One way of knowing what someone else's love language is ,after you have known them for a while, take the test and answer the questions the way you think they would, with what you know about them. Then study the results and see how accurate it is.
|
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on May 29, 2018 14:57:42 GMT -5
“How do you determine someone’s love languages before you start dating? I think if I ever get to the point where I’m considering a new relation.””
I can’t imagine doing this before dating unless you are screening them via online dating. Otherwise, bring it up on one of your first dates. If they haven’t heard of love languages, have them take an online test, easy to find by Google. More helpful to assess comparability than astrology.
My refuser ex’s love language; acts of service, which is my 5th love language. It is meaningless to me. His second: quality time, my 4th.
My virtually tied top 2 love languages: touch and words of affirmation, the same as Post sm lover, whom I’ve happily been with for 5 years....we get each other.
|
|
|
|
Post by elynne on May 29, 2018 15:00:06 GMT -5
“How do you determine someone’s love languages before you start dating? I think if I ever get to the point where I’m considering a new relation.”” I can’t imagine doing this before dating unless you are screening them via online dating. Otherwise, bring it up on one of your first dates. If they haven’t heard of love languages, have them take an online test, easy to find by Google. More helpful to assess comparability than astrology. My refuser ex’s love language; acts of service, which is my 5th love language. It is meaningless to me. His second: quality time, my 4th. My virtually tied top 2 love languages: touch and words of affirmation, the same as Post sm lover, whom I’ve happily been with for 5 years....we get each other. Awesome stuff! Going to go look for an online test now to check my assumptions about my love languages. Fascinating! |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Feb 6, 2020 20:28:26 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Feb 9, 2020 10:02:52 GMT -5
Whenever I am touched by someone on the arm or shoulder, etc. it feels so unnatural and literally makes my whole week! The last time it happened was a married lesbian. Probably 2 months ago. I’m sure it was not sexual for either one of us. (Well maybe a bit for me) But it was so damn meaningful b/c it is so damn rare! I don’t think I’ve touched an outside woman this way my entire marriage, perhaps my entire life. (Especially in this day and age, the thought mortifies me) Its going to be interesting to see how I behave in opposite land... I've been at my new job for almost a year now, and there is zero touch that occurs on any given day. The other 4 love languages DO OCCUR, and/ or I make them happen (by giving and receiving). When I walk in the door from work, the first thing that occurs is "touch"! The same for her when she walks in the door from work and I am the one at home! It's so important, and fills that empty tank that had been left empty for so long. It is so much easier when you are around others who 'speak the same language'. |
|
