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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 17, 2018 10:46:34 GMT -5
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 17, 2018 11:11:33 GMT -5
This part of the article especially is important:
“One of the things that can emerge as you explore this territory is an inability to love yourself due to a deep-seated belief in your own lack of worth. You therefore look to your partner to give you the reassurance you need to feel good about yourself. In such a case, being with someone who is dismissive avoidant can be extremely difficult, however with conscious intent it can also be used as a tool for self-growth.”
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Post by baza on Jan 17, 2018 19:43:13 GMT -5
I'd not heard of "Dismissive Avoidance" either until Sister @ surfergirl put it out there recently. I've been reading up on it too. In particular the sustainable recovery levels from it. Pretty grim. But the linked article, speaking to the theme of being the spouse of someone with the issue, looks really really valuable. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2018 20:12:23 GMT -5
Thanks for starting a thread on this. It was referred to in another thread as a clinical diagnosis. It's not a diagnosis, but actually a theory of attachment styles. Dismissive-avoidant is just one style of attachment, according to the theory. I think there are typically 4 main ones listed. I don't remember the author of this particular theory. I'm drawing on knowledge from psych classes here. There is a clinical diagnosis which may be loosely related, Avoidant Personality Disorder, but that is a rare diagnosis. I'd peg my husband as having a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. I agree with northstarmom, the quote that resonated the most with me was the one about using this as a tool for self growth. I definitely believe we each choose the relationships we need for the lessons we find in them. It doesn't mean we have to stay forever. But hopefully it helps us see the purpose of a given relationship and leaves us feeling a little bit less inclined towards placing sole blame. I know it's helped me with that piece of it. I'm getting closer to feeling that the demise of my marriage doesn't need to be my husband's fault. We're just two people who no longer fit. I know, in my case, I have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style which means I need far more validation than a dismissive-avoidant can provide. My style is on me. And something I am actively working on. |
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Post by baza on Jan 17, 2018 20:43:21 GMT -5
Key point you make Sister @elle .
A bit of righteous anger and blaming ones spouse can be of value if it gives you the impetus to critically and objectively take stock of ones situation.
But after that, the anger and blame apportioning is pretty useless.
Often times these ILIASM shitholes are not necessarily anyones' fault.
But it doesn't matter even if it WAS your spouses fault.
Or for that matter your fault.
Your choices don't alter either way.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 17, 2018 21:06:30 GMT -5
"Attached" (you can find it on Amazon) is consider the key resource on attachment theory.
The four styles are:
Secure
Preoccupied/ Anxious
Dismissive Avoidant
Anxious Avoidant
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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2018 21:37:04 GMT -5
surfergirl My therapist recommended the Attached book (for reasons I cannot quite figure out, unless she wants me to start dating.) My recollection from what I read is it only mentioned the three styles Secure, Anxious and Avoidant. And the main theme was that Anxious and Avoidant types must never get together, but either can get along with Secure. The book does say that it is possible to change styles, though. Here's a video about it:
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2018 13:21:32 GMT -5
I took some quiz, and it turns out I have an Anxious attachment style.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2018 20:31:47 GMT -5
@smartkat
Me too. I couldn't find anything in the book about how two Anxious styles get along, although I only skimmed after that chapter.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2018 20:57:06 GMT -5
FWIW, my therapist told me that 2 anxious types will end up co-dependent. Makes sense. The only thing I'm struggling to understand is if I can't fit with a dismissive avoidant and I can't fit with an anxious, who do I fit with? I guess I'm supposed to magically become secure. In other words, I'll be ready for a relationship when I'm 90! Watch out fellas.  |
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 18, 2018 21:46:39 GMT -5
LOL @elle !
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2018 12:05:20 GMT -5
FWIW, my therapist told me that 2 anxious types will end up co-dependent. Makes sense. The only thing I'm struggling to understand is if I can't fit with a dismissive avoidant and I can't fit with an anxious, who do I fit with? I guess I'm supposed to magically become secure. In other words, I'll be ready for a relationship when I'm 90! Watch out fellas. We should hang out. |
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Post by Lithium92 on Feb 18, 2018 3:26:07 GMT -5
The article pretty much described my relationship with my wife (she's the avoidant-dismissive, I was anxious-avoidant) till a few months ago. It reached crisis point for me, I've been in therapy, and come to figure out all those thing about myself and work on my insecurities. It's a start rather than an endpoint, but it's switched my view to understanding I have the solution in my own hand, and she can come along with it or not if she's interested in having the same kind of relationship that I am. So far, not.
But I'm fine with where-ever that goes, including an exit affair.
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Post by daytonadan on Feb 19, 2018 15:12:08 GMT -5
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Post by JMX on Feb 19, 2018 22:39:09 GMT -5
Our couples’ therapist is fond of this theory.
He is also fond of the word “germane”. The one thing we could laugh about after couples’ counseling is how many times he used that word.
What count did you have?
4. You?
5.
Hahahahahahahahaha!!! We would laugh.
I wouldn’t know where we really stood on it, couples’ counseling turned into individual counseling for him. That turned into “we decided I didn’t need it anymore.”
Okay...
I would say I probably started out as “secure” devolved into “anxious” and am back at “secure”.
I still have a whole heap of work to do on this- I am not totally “secure” but I don’t care about what he thinks anymore.
He is absolutely dismissive avoidant. He has been better over time, but not in the ways we keep score here.
Not sure how long I work on myself until I feel done - it might not happen. I will say - I am mostly content and accepting now.
I am scared of getting my shit together.
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