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Post by lessingham on Jan 23, 2019 10:24:27 GMT -5
I hope this is the right place to say hi. I'm lost in a sexless marriage and have no idea who to turn to any more. Things have always been bad, sometimes less than bad other times harrowing. We muddled along for years, full of begging and pleading and new hopes. It destroyed me, I felt a thing, unloveable and ugly. I self harmed and I tried like mad to hang in there. Why? I wanted desperarely to be loved. When the internet started I found a buddy who would listen.she would listen to my woes and offer solutions, normally to walk out or leave. I met her a few times but always platonic. Looking back I think she was a vampire type, feeding on my misery. My wife broke into my emails and read them. All hell broke loose and we agreed to try again. There was a price, I had to never talk to the friend again, ever. I had to leave my emails and phone open for inspection. So, two years on and emotionally we are fine but there is no sex. We went from infrequent to nada. The old feelings are haunting me of no self worth and ugliness. I am not self harming but I want to. I hate myself for betraying her, hate myself because I am so ugly even my wife won't make love to me. So, I am here to try and vent my feelings as frankly my wife does not care whether we make love or the humiliating effects of her rejection.
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Post by javba on Jan 23, 2019 11:07:18 GMT -5
I hope this is the right place to say hi. I'm lost in a sexless marriage and have no idea who to turn to any more. Things have always been bad, sometimes less than bad other times harrowing. We muddled along for years, full of begging and pleading and new hopes. It destroyed me, I felt a thing, unloveable and ugly. I self harmed and I tried like mad to hang in there. Why? I wanted desperarely to be loved. When the internet started I found a buddy who would listen.she would listen to my woes and offer solutions, normally to walk out or leave. I met her a few times but always platonic. Looking back I think she was a vampire type, feeding on my misery. My wife broke into my emails and read them. All hell broke loose and we agreed to try again. There was a price, I had to never talk to the friend again, ever. I had to leave my emails and phone open for inspection. So, two years on and emotionally we are fine but there is no sex. We went from infrequent to nada. The old feelings are haunting me of no self worth and ugliness. I am not self harming but I want to. I hate myself for betraying her, hate myself because I am so ugly even my wife won't make love to me. So, I am here to try and vent my feelings as frankly my wife does not care whether we make love or the humiliating effects of her rejection. Thanks for writing. I am sorry for your long and painful ordeal, In counseling recently I told my counselor (couples counseling) - the future can only be different if it does not resemble the past. So that's where I am after 21 yrs of this union. What keeps you there. You do realize we're all average or below in appearance WITHOUT working on our looks. How's your health, Have you started working on your physical health. You will find a lot of support here but you're the driver of this journey.
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Post by h on Jan 23, 2019 11:22:38 GMT -5
Just a thought, maybe you should go easier on yourself because you aren't the one doing the betraying. She betrayed you by marrying you and then ending the sex life. Don't let her cut you off from friends either. By doing so, she's isolating you from healthy emotional support (maybe not the "vampire" you described, but anyone). Take back your email and phone and tell her that you have a right to privacy.
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Post by baza on Jan 23, 2019 13:43:53 GMT -5
If you were called upon to make the case for staying in your marriage Brother lessingham , what would you say ?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2019 15:01:41 GMT -5
I hope this is the right place to say hi. I'm lost in a sexless marriage and have no idea who to turn to any more. Things have always been bad, sometimes less than bad other times harrowing. We muddled along for years, full of begging and pleading and new hopes. It destroyed me, I felt a thing, unloveable and ugly. I self harmed and I tried like mad to hang in there. Why? I wanted desperarely to be loved. When the internet started I found a buddy who would listen.she would listen to my woes and offer solutions, normally to walk out or leave. I met her a few times but always platonic. Looking back I think she was a vampire type, feeding on my misery. My wife broke into my emails and read them. All hell broke loose and we agreed to try again. There was a price, I had to never talk to the friend again, ever. I had to leave my emails and phone open for inspection. So, two years on and emotionally we are fine but there is no sex. We went from infrequent to nada. The old feelings are haunting me of no self worth and ugliness. I am not self harming but I want to. I hate myself for betraying her, hate myself because I am so ugly even my wife won't make love to me. So, I am here to try and vent my feelings as frankly my wife does not care whether we make love or the humiliating effects of her rejection. lessingham ... First, I'm sorry you feel so unloved and unlovable. Secondly, the problem isn't you, but you do have the power to change your present situation. Thirdly, you want love, but is this love? The way she treats you and the relationship you have at present? Continue talking and searching for your own personal answer, as we all have different answers to our own particular problems. There is much support and guidance here, along with very non-judgmental ears / shoulders to lean on.
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Post by flashjohn on Jan 23, 2019 15:54:06 GMT -5
lessingham, it sounds like you played right into her hand. She made you feel worthless by denying sex, you found someone who to help, she found out, then used that experience to control you for the rest of your life. The truth is she denied you the most basic part of marriage, thereby betraying you. I know exactly how you feel. My refuser cut me off for 6 years, and actually told me it was my fault. I bought into it, but I finally woke up and moved out. I got divorced, and now I am married to a sweet, wonderful, sexual woman. We fuck at least twice a day unless one of us is feeling sick. The fact that your refuser does not care about the effects of her rejection is quite troubling. If she loved you, she would want you to be happy and satisfied. I hope you continue to read and post and find some help here.
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Post by sadkat on Jan 23, 2019 21:12:45 GMT -5
It does sound like your wife is controlling you. The sad thing is that it’s so easy for her because of the way she made you feel. Know this- if she cannot or will not give you what you need, you have the right to find it elsewhere. I know from experience that it’s much easier said than done but you cannot allow yourself to feed into her opinion. You deserve to be happy. I’m truly sorry for what you are experiencing- I know how very difficult it is.
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Post by workingonit on Jan 23, 2019 21:25:32 GMT -5
welcome friend. We are not worthy of love because we are good looking or skinny or charming. We are worthy of love and affection simply by virtue of being humans. You are worthy of love and affection. You should be able to have support and ask for what you need. I am sorry that you are unable to do that. I am sorry that you were made to feel that finding support was a "betrayal." I do not agree with that assessment.
You are among an understanding crew here. I hope you stick around, share more, participate in discussions. There is much to be gained in this community of suffering and glimpses of redemption.
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Post by lessingham on Jan 24, 2019 7:04:39 GMT -5
I try to be the best me I can be. I try to ignore the false representations of modern good looks. I try hard not to be the doormat and servant. But the refuser always has the upper hand, as long as we desire what they withold and stop looking elsewhere
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Post by jamesbonding on Jan 25, 2019 3:26:38 GMT -5
I hope this is the right place to say hi. I'm lost in a sexless marriage and have no idea who to turn to any more. Things have always been bad, sometimes less than bad other times harrowing. We muddled along for years, full of begging and pleading and new hopes. It destroyed me, I felt a thing, unloveable and ugly. I self harmed and I tried like mad to hang in there. Why? I wanted desperarely to be loved. When the internet started I found a buddy who would listen.she would listen to my woes and offer solutions, normally to walk out or leave. I met her a few times but always platonic. Looking back I think she was a vampire type, feeding on my misery. My wife broke into my emails and read them. All hell broke loose and we agreed to try again. There was a price, I had to never talk to the friend again, ever. I had to leave my emails and phone open for inspection. So, two years on and emotionally we are fine but there is no sex. We went from infrequent to nada. The old feelings are haunting me of no self worth and ugliness. I am not self harming but I want to. I hate myself for betraying her, hate myself because I am so ugly even my wife won't make love to me. So, I am here to try and vent my feelings as frankly my wife does not care whether we make love or the humiliating effects of her rejection. It sounds like emotionally, YOU are not fine! You didn't say anything positive about your marriage. It sounds awful. Why are you staying? Is it just because you think no other woman would be attracted to you? I think it's more likely that you wife has been messing with your mind and had convinced you that you are ugly, than that you are really ugly. I would suggest that you see a therapist for some individual counseling, as an antidote for whatever your wife has been doing to you. Good luck, mate!
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Post by lessingham on Jan 28, 2019 7:10:57 GMT -5
For the woman on the other side of this mess, either my wife or another. It is time I upped by game. I am going to reduce my weight, 168 pounds here I come. If anyone has any men diets they can recommend, appreciated. I am going to use skin products and refuse to dye the remnants of my hair. I am going to become nice but assertive, not a doormat. I am going to discover exercises for arthritic bodies and get my muscle tone back. I am going to use Spellchecker!!!!!!!! I want to be desirable both inside and out. Then, I am proud of me, come what may.
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Post by baza on Jan 28, 2019 19:53:48 GMT -5
For the woman on the other side of this mess, either my wife or another. It is time I upped by game. I am going to reduce my weight, 168 pounds here I come. If anyone has any men diets they can recommend, appreciated. I am going to use skin products and refuse to dye the remnants of my hair. I am going to become nice but assertive, not a doormat. I am going to discover exercises for arthritic bodies and get my muscle tone back. I am going to use Spellchecker!!!!!!!! I want to be desirable both inside and out. Then, I am proud of me, come what may. This reads like a great plan. Mainly because it relies on only one person to effect the desired changes. You. And, there is a very strong likelyhood that all sorts of things in your life will change as a result of this policy of personal growth and responsibility.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 29, 2019 3:49:21 GMT -5
Diet? Here are some ideas. The Atkins diet starts off as all protein and fat. Eliminate as many carbohydrates as you can. No grain, no sugar. In three days your body will go into ketosis and start burning fat because it cannot get enough energy from your food. You may get a headache doing this. Add a bit of extra salt to lessen that side effect. I can't stay on this for as long as I would like because I get serious cravings for carbs in any form, but I can do it for a few days and the scale tells me it works.
A slower but more sustainable idea is just to eliminate grains, dairy, and added sugar.
Cutting way back on portions is another thing I have done, with a "cheat day" here and there.
Low testosterone can also be problematic. If you are high libido, odds are your testosterone levels are still in good shape, but you might want to get them checked.
I hope you find what works for you. Congratulations on taking on your self improvement, and finding your own happiness.
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Post by flashjohn on Jan 29, 2019 10:51:22 GMT -5
I try to be the best me I can be. I try to ignore the false representations of modern good looks. I try hard not to be the doormat and servant. But the refuser always has the upper hand, as long as we desire what they withold and stop looking elsewhere The refuser only has the upper hand as long as you let him/her have it.
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Post by lessingham on Jan 29, 2019 11:36:21 GMT -5
Goodish day, I got my new glasses and look casually cool now. I am trying not to Luther's orange though! Ok, Martin Luthor said forgiving sins was like sticking silver foil on a blemished orange. Each new blemish gets a new sheet. Eventually you have a perfect silver plated orange, it's just a pity the original orange is a rotted mess inside. It is easy to tart up the outer Lessingham, but I must not forget to improve and enhance the inner chap too. I mean, what woman wants to unwrap a rotten orange???
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