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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 14, 2019 0:45:06 GMT -5
Since my name was mentioned, I will chime in. I used to post frequently in this forum, as I was once in a sexless marriage. Then my wife died. I am no longer married or sexless. I am dating a very understanding woman, and we meet at least once a week. But be careful what you wish for. I wish my wife was still alive, and we were divorced. In spite of all we went through, I miss her. I could go on and hijack the entire forum, but my point is this - widowhood really sucks. There is not only the empty space she leaves behind, but all the guilt of wanting to leave her and not doing more to keep her alive. I shouldn’t beat myself up. I visited her every day for nine months, and she had breast cancer and a bad heart. If the doctors couldn’t save her, neither could I. This is your thread, cassiopeia92, so I will only echo what everyone here has said. You can’t change your husband. He is responsible for taking his meds and eating right. I´m Type 2 myself. You are responsible for your own happiness. Make yourself happy. If that requires leaving him, so be it. Seriously, take a weekend for yourself. You’ve probably put your husband, kids, and grandchildren first for quite a while. It’s your turn to take care of you. Find an online buddy to flirt with. Maybe that will result in taking a holiday with him. I know I did that, and I didn’t regret it. I’m sure that after years of a marriage like yours, your self image has taken a beating. Work on you. Dress up. Get in shape. Then go get a man who wants you. Trust me, life is too short to be sexless and stuck. Thank you for your advice. It meant a lot to me. I have chatted privately with a man from another forum, we are both in a SM, and I cant even talk to him on the phone, it feels like cheating and I dont feel right about it or ready. I do think working on myself is crucial. Building my own self confidence and positivity because you are so right, I have not taken a physical beating but I have taken a mental one. If I am honest my internal dialogue right now is, look at me, who is going to want me. After 18 years of rejection I do need to take some time to care for myself. I have read your story, and I think you are an amazing person.
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Post by Handy on May 14, 2019 1:33:27 GMT -5
cassiopeia92 ........and I cant even talk to him on the phone.
I think that is a common feeling.
Could you if you told yourself and believed he would be just another casual friend you sort of liked but figured there would never be enough in common to develop a relationship.
I had to decide to get to know some people in order to increase my circle of friends or acquaintances and not for the purpose of anything romantic or long lasting.
I decided if I can interact with people on relationship forums, maybe I needed to break out of my guilt cycle about talking with real people and just go for a two way conversation with real live people. So many people have a serious guilt complex that it holds them back from advancing to their true self.
What I have found is some people I thought were compatible for maybe more than a friend were actually just being extra nice (plus the newness factor) or we only had a few common interests that weren't enough to qualify for both people spending a lot of time together.
Being lonely and having a few things in common with someone feels great at first but it dos not mean both are good for each other in a long term relationship.
That is just my experience. Your mileage and experiences will vary.
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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 14, 2019 15:50:16 GMT -5
cassiopeia92 ........and I cant even talk to him on the phone. I think that is a common feeling. Could you if you told yourself and believed he would be just another casual friend you sort of liked but figured there would never be enough in common to develop a relationship. I had to decide to get to know some people in order to increase my circle of friends or acquaintances and not for the purpose of anything romantic or long lasting. I decided if I can interact with people on relationship forums, maybe I needed to break out of my guilt cycle about talking with real people and just go for a two way conversation with real live people. So many people have a serious guilt complex that it holds them back from advancing to their true self. What I have found is some people I thought were compatible for maybe more than a friend were actually just being extra nice (plus the newness factor) or we only had a few common interests that weren't enough to qualify for both people spending a lot of time together. Being lonely and having a few things in common with someone feels great at first but it dos not mean both are good for each other in a long term relationship. That is just my experience. Your mileage and experiences will vary. I took your advice and I face timed with him. He is such a nice guy and we are both in the same situation so we were able to chat about it the way people who are not just cant, because its impossible to really understand. Both of us are staying, both for our own reasons. Had a little bit of a flirt and it just made me feel happy. Neither of us want to live on the forums. I have found it overwhelming that so many live in the same situation and sometimes some of it can make me feel worse.
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Post by northstarmom on May 14, 2019 16:34:39 GMT -5
"I do understand why you said that. But I came back to the UK because I missed them so much. I didnt meet my 7 year old grandaughter until she was 3 years old. We were and are not in the income bracket to take a trip here whenever. Handing back my 6 month old grandaughter at that time broke my heart not knowing when I would be back. At the time I could take early retirement my daughter had just announced she was pregnant again. So coming home was for me."
That does make it hard to move. Can you move to a place in the UK with a lower cost of living that's still reasonably close to your family?
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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 14, 2019 17:10:17 GMT -5
No. The most expensive is London and I am a way off from there.
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Post by angeleyes65 on May 18, 2019 8:51:44 GMT -5
cassiopeia92 I see alot of things in your post that are similar to mine. I had never lived alone was a stay at home mom for 11 years. Neither of us were rich. I make ok money he makes better not good enough that I could get maintenance and he could afford the house we built. I even let him keep $35 k of my equity. It was worth it to get out. I got a one bedroom apt and was fine financially been 2 years. He also has health problems mainly mental health . I also filled his pill caddy and made his appts paid his medical bills. But once I got within a year of leaving I made him start making his own appts and refilling his medicine and filling his pill caddy while I was there to advise. By the time I left he could even pay bills online. About a year before I left my adult kids stated commenting on how angry and bitter I acted. I knew it was time. I'm not that person. I wish I could say I turned him loose and he flourished but he is still struggling . That being said he's managing and it is not our responsibility to fix their issues especially when they are not meeting our basic needs.
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Post by bballgirl on May 20, 2019 18:03:54 GMT -5
My heart goes out to you @casseopeia92 Some of what you write about I can relate to I had poor self image, co dependency issues, financial problems, bait and switch marriage, lazy husband, medical problems for my H, etc. you name it we had it and two young kids. I was in the perfect storm and married 23 years I pulled the plug on the marriage to heal myself and take care of myself. Divorced, dated, happy to be alone, we both grew and learned about ourselves and what we wanted especially me. I had also been outsourcing the last 2 years of my marriage and after the divorce I dated and decided that I didn’t want to date anyone, and I only wanted sex with the man I was outsourcing with. I wanted my exH back, I wanted my family back, all of our financial issues were gone as a result of the divorce. For me I would never find 100% of what I wanted in one man but I have a good 90% of what I want from 2 men and so staying and outsourcing turns out was the best choice for me. All that matters is that I’m happy but I created that happiness for myself. For me that meant not being married and not being sexless. Focus on yourself and figure out what will make YOU happy then go after it and don’t feel any guilt because it’s your sexuality and your life nobody has control of you or your body, unless it’s in the sheets!
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Post by bballgirl on May 20, 2019 18:05:31 GMT -5
My heart goes out to you @casseopeia92 Some of what you write about I can relate to I had poor self image, co dependency issues, financial problems, bait and switch marriage, lazy husband, medical problems for my H, etc. you name it we had it and two young kids. I was in the perfect storm and married 23 years I pulled the plug on the marriage to heal myself and take care of myself. Divorced, dated, happy to be alone, we both grew and learned about ourselves and what we wanted especially me. I had also been outsourcing the last 2 years of my marriage and after the divorce I dated and decided that I didn’t want to date anyone, and I only wanted sex with the man I was outsourcing with. I wanted my exH back, I wanted my family back, all of our financial issues were gone as a result of the divorce. For me I would never find 100% of what I wanted in one man but I have a good 90% of what I want from 2 men and so staying and outsourcing turns out was the best choice for me. All that matters is that I’m happy but I created that happiness for myself. For me that meant not being married and not being sexless. Focus on yourself and figure out what will make YOU happy then go after it and don’t feel any guilt because it’s your sexuality and your life nobody has control of you or your body, unless it’s in the sheets!
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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2019 13:51:48 GMT -5
I find that a lot of being OK in a sexless marriage isn't between the sheets but between your own ears. If "fixing" a broken marriage were easy none of us would be here. Please focus as much as you can on yourself, try to let go of resentments (that was the real killer for me), find things to be grateful about. I still have bouts of "damn, I can't believe I'm in a SM at 52" but mostly I've found ways to be content.
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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 23, 2019 7:02:29 GMT -5
My heart goes out to you @casseopeia92 Some of what you write about I can relate to I had poor self image, co dependency issues, financial problems, bait and switch marriage, lazy husband, medical problems for my H, etc. you name it we had it and two young kids. I was in the perfect storm and married 23 years I pulled the plug on the marriage to heal myself and take care of myself. Divorced, dated, happy to be alone, we both grew and learned about ourselves and what we wanted especially me. I had also been outsourcing the last 2 years of my marriage and after the divorce I dated and decided that I didn’t want to date anyone, and I only wanted sex with the man I was outsourcing with. I wanted my exH back, I wanted my family back, all of our financial issues were gone as a result of the divorce. For me I would never find 100% of what I wanted in one man but I have a good 90% of what I want from 2 men and so staying and outsourcing turns out was the best choice for me. All that matters is that I’m happy but I created that happiness for myself. For me that meant not being married and not being sexless. Focus on yourself and figure out what will make YOU happy then go after it and don’t feel any guilt because it’s your sexuality and your life nobody has control of you or your body, unless it’s in the sheets! Love this.
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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 23, 2019 7:03:36 GMT -5
I find that a lot of being OK in a sexless marriage isn't between the sheets but between your own ears. If "fixing" a broken marriage were easy none of us would be here. Please focus as much as you can on yourself, try to let go of resentments (that was the real killer for me), find things to be grateful about. I still have bouts of "damn, I can't believe I'm in a SM at 52" but mostly I've found ways to be content. Thank you so much.
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Post by northstarmom on May 23, 2019 7:17:33 GMT -5
Cassiopeia, why do you feel you need his permission to outsource? He didn’t ask nor get your permission to have a sm.
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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 23, 2019 7:19:48 GMT -5
Cassiopeia, why do you feel you need his permission to outsource? He didn’t ask nor get your permission to have a sm. It was something I did feel I should do as I was working through my feelings. But my focus has shifted. I just posted something new.
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Post by worksforme2 on May 23, 2019 7:45:09 GMT -5
Cassiopeia, why do you feel you need his permission to outsource? He didn’t ask nor get your permission to have a sm. It was something I did feel I should do as I was working through my feelings. But my focus has shifted. I just posted something new. I understand your thoughts on this perfectly. I tried the same approach with my now X. I wanted to stay married to her as I cared deeply about her but I knew I also needed to have physical intimacy as part of my life. Unfortunately my X was not interested in me having a FWB. She expected monogamy from me and celibacy in the marriage. So in the end she choose a decision that resulted in our eventual divorce because I didn't want to be possibly painted as a cheater. It's hard to believe that a spouse would rather divorce than permit sex in a marriage, but that scenario comes about pretty regularly on this forum.
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