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Wtf???
Apr 21, 2021 20:01:46 GMT -5
itme likes this
Post by mirrororchid on Apr 21, 2021 20:01:46 GMT -5
Had another WTF moment. I told myself several times in the past not to ask for it. What did I do? I asked for it over the weekend and was rejected, then asked last night because I was horny. I was told “ask me again tomorrow (today) and I’ll say yes”. Yeah right.. I didn’t even bother and she never brought it up. On a side note, I sometimes will joke about another woman wanting me when I see those dating app commercials. This evening my wife had the gall to say “if that’s what you want”. “I’m not going to scream after you saying come back, because if that’s what you want I won’t stop you. I’m not going to make you stay with me if you really don’t want to.” WTF?? I can’t tell if she’s joking or not, and she knows I’ve never ever really wanted to leave. She knows sex is a huge issue in our marriage though. I just want to feel wanted and desired. She’s told me in the past she only gets turned on after we start, even though I feel like I’m having to jackhammer in at first because she doesn’t get aroused very easily. She’s told me women don’t have the wonton desire like men do. I call BS. Dang, too many replies. Should have asked. Gotta call that bluff. Sure, expect nothing, but can't let that excuse go by. "If that's what you want."
I got a line like that. I told my wife: "I want you. But if it can't be you, it's not going to be nobody." That earned me a thoughtful silence. I'm not sure she liked recognizing that was the choice she was giving. Not sure how I phrased it, but I told her I wasn't leaving, but I was going to get physical intimacy, one way or another. If she wanted to leave because of that, that was on her. What would make you feel "wanted and desired"? Sex, or something shy of that which your wife wouldn't object to (unlikely, I know.) The term "jackhammer" is troubling. Heck, I'm a dude and I cringe at that description. Ever ask to pleasure her with no expectation? If she can get turned on, that may do the job. No guilt, no worries. No dread of possible pain. Just for her. If I need to be exceedingly blunt, heavy petting, no actual sex. This is a common enough suggestion by sex therapists. "Do everything but." Would that be hopelessly frustrating, or romantic/erotic for you? Could she accept such a gift?
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Wtf???
Apr 21, 2021 22:35:28 GMT -5
Post by blueguy on Apr 21, 2021 22:35:28 GMT -5
Had another WTF moment. I told myself several times in the past not to ask for it. What did I do? I asked for it over the weekend and was rejected, then asked last night because I was horny. I was told “ask me again tomorrow (today) and I’ll say yes”. Yeah right.. I didn’t even bother and she never brought it up. On a side note, I sometimes will joke about another woman wanting me when I see those dating app commercials. This evening my wife had the gall to say “if that’s what you want”. “I’m not going to scream after you saying come back, because if that’s what you want I won’t stop you. I’m not going to make you stay with me if you really don’t want to.” WTF?? I can’t tell if she’s joking or not, and she knows I’ve never ever really wanted to leave. She knows sex is a huge issue in our marriage though. I just want to feel wanted and desired. She’s told me in the past she only gets turned on after we start, even though I feel like I’m having to jackhammer in at first because she doesn’t get aroused very easily. She’s told me women don’t have the wonton desire like men do. I call BS. Dang, too many replies. Should have asked. Gotta call that bluff. Sure, expect nothing, but can't let that excuse go by. "If that's what you want."
I got a line like that. I told my wife: "I want you. But if it can't be you, it's not going to be nobody." That earned me a thoughtful silence. I'm not sure she liked recognizing that was the choice she was giving. Not sure how I phrased it, but I told her I wasn't leaving, but I was going to get physical intimacy, one way or another. If she wanted to leave because of that, that was on her. What would make you feel "wanted and desired"? Sex, or something shy of that which your wife wouldn't object to (unlikely, I know.) The term "jackhammer" is troubling. Heck, I'm a dude and I cringe at that description. Ever ask to pleasure her with no expectation? If she can get turned on, that may do the job. No guilt, no worries. No dread of possible pain. Just for her. If I need to be exceedingly blunt, heavy petting, no actual sex. This is a common enough suggestion by sex therapists. "Do everything but." Would that be hopelessly frustrating, or romantic/erotic for you? Could she accept such a gift? I want to feel wanted, desired. I want a woman to be with me who desires sex and intimacy with me. I want a woman who wants to look at me naked and wants to get me naked and touch me intimately and who has no issues at all with touching and being up close to my manhood. The only time my wife touches me down there is when she’s trying to line it up at the start of sex. I’ve offered several times just to pleasure her with no expectations on my end. She would much rather I give her a massage than to play with her intimately if it’s not sex, and I give her massages often. I do try foreplay as part of trying to get her turned on enough to where it doesn’t hurt me as much when we start. There’s no foreplay back at me though. It has been a very long time since I have experienced being able to just enter in smoothly on the first or second try.
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Post by csl on Apr 22, 2021 7:33:50 GMT -5
I just want to feel wanted and desired. She’s told me in the past she only gets turned on after we start, even though I feel like I’m having to jackhammer in at first because she doesn’t get aroused very easily. She’s told me women don’t have the wonton desire like men do. I call BS. "I just want..." As the old saying goes, spit in one hand, wish in the other--see which one gets filled first. As to WTF moments, I had one reading this last paragraph. The "C" in CSL stands for Curmudgeon, and I am restraining myself from using my stock of curmudgeonly epithets at this paragraph. BS on women not having [wanton] desire like men?--You got some reading to do. Google the phrase "responsive desire". To make it easy for you, read this Forgiven Wife article Love Like A Woman: Should Your Sexual Response Be Like Your Husband's: forgivenwife.com/love-like-a-woman-should-your-sexual-response-be-like-your-husbands/And lest you think that FW's article is just cover for refusing wives, she cites studies from Psychology Today and the Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics and Gynecology. (fwiw, FW Chris, btw, does a good job in this article, and I know of several other bloggers who address this topic tactfully. Curmudgeonly me, otoh--not so tactful. In my post "It's Not About You Dude!" I intemperately wrote "So, guys, you need to realize that just because you can have sex with a greased knothole, that doesn’t mean your wife can get turned on at the drop of your drawers.") It comes down to this: in this specific matter of responsive desire, she's right and you're wrong. Now, as to it possibly being an excuse... that's beyond the scope of what you presented. You, otoh, have some reading to do, as responsive desire is real.
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Wtf???
Apr 22, 2021 19:23:14 GMT -5
Post by mirrororchid on Apr 22, 2021 19:23:14 GMT -5
I just want to feel wanted and desired. She’s told me in the past she only gets turned on after we start, even though I feel like I’m having to jackhammer in at first because she doesn’t get aroused very easily. She’s told me women don’t have the wonton desire like men do. I call BS. responsive desire is real. The last thing he mentioned was massages and willingness to provide pleasure without expectations. That's what comes to my mind in terms of eliciting responsive desire. Question is, perhaps she doesn't want to become responsive? If she does, I guess I'm a bit clueless what would work? I envision refusers psyching themselves out, thinking (perhaps wit some accuracy) an ulterior motive is behind every gesture of kindness and devaluing the behaviors for that reason. It produces a no-win situation. We've seen a few refusers who will partake of sensual appreciation by their spouses, and take it no further. We've seen spouses that wish to please their spouses in all sorts of ways but the one that brings them to ILIASM.org. If we had a surefire way to reverse refusal, the forum could fold up and close down. The most common solution I've read about is to give up on hope and resolve to use your ulterior motives on another who doesn't mind the amorous goal. That sometimes brings the mountain to Moses. Short of that, I haven't seen many examples of success. Refusers seem to want their spouses only after they fear someone else will. It becomes their turn to hold ulterior motives. Loving their spouse for the sake of keeping the marriage.
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Wtf???
Apr 23, 2021 0:10:24 GMT -5
Post by Handy on Apr 23, 2021 0:10:24 GMT -5
mirrororchid Question is, perhaps she doesn't want to become responsive? If she does, I guess I'm a bit clueless what would work?
I think some mental constructs kill responsive desire.
I have read post by some women saying their partner does "A" for xx minuets, than does "B" for xx minuets and then it is on to phase "C". Which then the woman posts kills any sexual feelings or desires.
My question is, if a man is with a woman that sees sex as A, B, C, but complains if the man does something different that she doesn't like, I do not see "responsive desire" happening very often. It comes down to what she doesn't like (a long list) and the odd chance the woman will like something a little different before she feels desire.
Then there are "the takers" willing to accept things they like but not willing to give anything for it.
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