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Post by scotinbe on Apr 10, 2021 8:14:51 GMT -5
Due to end of financial year for my company + doing personal tax stuff the past few days, I have been having contact with my wife. It came out a few days back the reason she won’t have sex (with me anyway) is basically a punishment for burning myself out a couple of years ago, and screwing up social security payments - which has landed us with a hefty tax bill. I’m also being blamed for her financial screw-up, to do with her unknowingly receiving too much money when she was off sick for 18 months - which the social security company are being complete artsholes about, took her to court etc. Whilst she was at home during the day doing literally nothing productive for 18 months (well, except trying out new sex toys for hours on end and lying about it, saying she was busy doing xyz), I was running myself into the ground getting the kids to school, getting myself to my clients and doing work for them, coming home (picking the kids up sometimes), not stopping for a second before starting dinner, tidying kitchen, feeding kids, dealing with their tantrums, getting them to bed (not a 5 minute thing at mine), weekends fully charged as well, and getting next to no help from my other half. Sure, she was off work for genuine medical reasons, and she was tired/slept a lot - a condition she’s had for many years in fact. She also took care of the 3 kids homework- not something I could help with much anyway. However- my load was too much, my head went down and I was overloaded - and I let some admin slip. It’s not my favourite activity, and day-to-day stuff always seemed too important. After a while, I asked the wife to take over the company admin. A bit of regular bedroom action during this time would obviously have lifted my mood, but hey ho. My eldest has important exams coming up - so won’t rock the boat until summer. I don’t want a divorce - I want to have a sexual part. Actually, I NEED a sexual partner - it’s not my fault I have these needs, and I cannot turn them off. Hell how I’ve tried ignoring them over the years, looked seriously even at castration - and drunkenly said that to her one night. I guess she thought I was joking... I’d prefer my wife would go back to the women I met all those years ago, at least a bit. She was never the most accomplished bedroom athlete, for from it, but at least we had something. I’ve never once lost interest in her, even though she has health issues, put on a hell of lot of weight due to that - I still get horny thinking about having sex with her I will be honest with her though - either things change, or I go looking for a FWB. I don’t think I’d ever ask for a divorce, but I will have to reluctantly accept it might end that way.
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Post by lwoetin on Apr 10, 2021 10:08:20 GMT -5
Your wife tries out new sex toys...there is hope for you. My wife would be grossed out by those..and bedroom athletics. I would think your wife would realize at some point all the good things you are providing and appreciate you. Many rocks of the boat would be useful. And you'll get some feedback afterwards as to how hopeful or dire your future is. I hope she is feeling better from her sickness.
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Post by saarinista on Apr 10, 2021 12:47:14 GMT -5
You don't "ask" for divorce. You obtain one.
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Post by isthisit on Apr 10, 2021 15:50:15 GMT -5
Okay, so withholding intimacy from your spouse as a form of “punishment” is abhorrent, abusive and thoroughly fucked-up.
It really doesn’t matter what your alleged crime was (and it seems trivial to me) that is quite a few notches above the horrors of a transactional approach to sex seen here so often; “you don’t deserve it because you haven’t done X or Y”. Of course when X and Y are achieved the goalposts have been moved again, and around the wheel you go. But openly articulating the withholding of intimacy as punishment? Wow, wow, wow.
Even in my most loved up period I would have been calling that out very quickly. Then speaking to a solicitor.
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Post by scotinbe on Apr 10, 2021 17:34:30 GMT -5
I did study psychology at Uni in my mid 20s, plus my mother was in her later years a qualified psychotherapists, and apart from being her test subject - I read all her books.
I see clearly that my wife is in that percentile of women who - for whatever reason - turns off the sex tap the instant she settled down.
Not exactly an unique situation.
I was too depressed and ducked up for so many years, I didn’t push the matter too hard.
I’ve reached limits though - and I honestly can’t fathom why my wife would put everything at risk, when all I need is a bit of physical intimacy at worst twice a month....
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Post by scotinbe on Apr 10, 2021 17:34:45 GMT -5
I did study psychology at Uni in my mid 20s, plus my mother was in her later years a qualified psychotherapists, and apart from being her test subject - I read all her books.
I see clearly that my wife is in that percentile of women who - for whatever reason - turns off the sex tap the instant she settled down.
Not exactly an unique situation.
I was too depressed and ducked up for so many years, I didn’t push the matter too hard.
I’ve reached limits though - and I honestly can’t fathom why my wife would put everything at risk, when all I need is a bit of physical intimacy at worst twice a month....
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Post by jim44444 on Apr 11, 2021 7:07:35 GMT -5
I’ve reached limits though - and I honestly can’t fathom why my wife would put everything at risk, when all I need is a bit of physical intimacy at worst twice a month.... It may be that your wife, by looking at past history, has determined that there is no risk. She may have concluded that you will not divorce her or engage in an affair even if she never fucks you again. Are you willing and prepared to prove her wrong?
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Post by saarinista on Apr 11, 2021 14:15:04 GMT -5
Yeah, it sounds like she just doesn't care about your needs. In particular, I think withholding sex as "punishment" is a very bad sign.
Have you examined why you "love" her and/or what love is, in your estimation?
Her version of love doesn't sound very kind to me.
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Post by scotinbe on Apr 11, 2021 14:33:32 GMT -5
I’ve reached limits though - and I honestly can’t fathom why my wife would put everything at risk, when all I need is a bit of physical intimacy at worst twice a month.... It may be that your wife, by looking at past history, has determined that there is no risk. She may have concluded that you will not divorce her or engage in an affair even if she never fucks you again. Are you willing and prepared to prove her wrong? I honestly wish I could park my carnal needs. I can’t - even though I’ve tried . I
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Post by isthisit on Apr 11, 2021 14:36:42 GMT -5
It may be that your wife, by looking at past history, has determined that there is no risk. She may have concluded that you will not divorce her or engage in an affair even if she never fucks you again. Are you willing and prepared to prove her wrong? I honestly wish I could park my carnal needs. I can’t - even though I’ve tried . I Why on earth should you? There is nothing at all abnormal about having a libido. It’s healthy and integral to a marriage. Please try to avoid being gaslighted into a belief that this is in any way wrong. It is not.
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 12, 2021 6:54:45 GMT -5
I will be honest with her though - either things change, or I go looking for a FWB. I don’t think I’d ever ask for a divorce, but I will have to reluctantly accept it might end that way. Dating with the goal of a FWB was instrumental in my wife's reset. Can't recommend it enough. One thing I think I accidentally did right was explain that I'd start dating on a certain date (when my kid went back to college for Spring semester so she wouldn't ask about my leaving the house without explanation.) It was two months in the future which, in hindsight, she may have considered completely reasonable in terms of havign enough time to fix whatever made her not sleep with me more than quarterly. One thing she thinks I did wrong was dating platonically in secret to find out whether I had "game". She found this secrecy dishonest and holds it against me. She had told me that cheating on her would mean divorce. I reasoned if I had no game, I'd be ruining two lives for nothing. (This is too flattering. Perhaps my wife would thrive without me. But maybe not.) I messaged six polyamorous women on OKcupid. (You can choose to see only "taken" women). I got two dates. 33%, from what I researched, was an extraordinarily good response rate. This was either because poly women are more open to try a new guy out, or I write well. Maybe I'm not too hard on the eyes despite thin hair? The second date was making innuendos through out our coffee. No. I was not celibate involuntarily. That said, my wife thinks I should have told her I was researching before my platonic dates. She might be right. She might be full of crap. Hindsight is 20-20. Was the threat of platonic dating enough to cause a reset? Only Rick Sanchez might tell me what would have happened if I'd given the Mrs. that warning shot. If you think your wife pulls the plug for dating, maybe you want to date first to test the waters like I did. By the sounds of things, your wife won't muster the energy to discover it. Then again, if she pulls the plug for platonic dates, it says a lot about her motivations and priorities. Some couples stay together only because they don't want to be the one to start divorce. They'd be pleased if the spouse did. If you seek out scratching your itch, and she initiates divorce, does that strike you as having produced a flimsy pretext and the truth of the divorce would be something you could be comfortable with? If you go the warning route, your specific case may be well served by offering to reach some goal post she has in mind, since she's claiming some inadequacy of yours. You can accept it, achieve it, and hold her to it, or dating commences. If she places the goal posts a mile away instead of 100 yards or less? Call her out on her transparent unachievable goal, negotiate reasonable goals instead, or commence dating. I'd also suggest baby steps should demonstrate your good faith and be worthy of forgiveness/approval. (Not that this is a healthy dynamic, just an earnest effort on your part to provide what she claims to want since sex isn't it.) You may want to explain in advance that starfish sex doesn't qualify as intimate time, unless it does. (her "baby steps" towards progress?) If the requirements for the return to intimacy produce self-improvement that will benefit you in future relationships, (lose weight, go back to school, earn more money, etc.) then such changes will serve you well even if the Mrs. is no longer part of your life. Such improvements make you a hotter prospect for divorcee dating as well as polyamory.
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Post by h on Apr 12, 2021 13:10:46 GMT -5
scotinbe you have said that you don't want to get a divorce, but that's not entirely your call. She could decide to divorce you also. This is especially likely if you decide to outsource your unmet needs and she disagrees with you. You should go see a lawyer and see what that situation would look like before you go looking for a FWB.
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Post by Apocrypha on Apr 12, 2021 21:48:46 GMT -5
It came out a few days back the reason she won’t have sex (with me anyway) is basically a punishment for burning myself out a couple of years ago, and screwing up social security payments - which has landed us with a hefty tax bill. [...] A bit of regular bedroom action during this time would obviously have lifted my mood, but hey ho. My eldest has important exams coming up - so won’t rock the boat until summer. I don’t want a divorce - I want to have a sexual part. Actually, I NEED a sexual partner - it’s not my fault I have these needs, and I cannot turn them off. Hell how I’ve tried ignoring them over the years, looked seriously even at castration - and drunkenly said that to her one night. I guess she thought I was joking... I’d prefer my wife would go back to the women I met all those years ago, at least a bit. She was never the most accomplished bedroom athlete, for from it, but at least we had something. I’ve never once lost interest in her, even though she has health issues, put on a hell of lot of weight due to that - I still get horny thinking about having sex with her I will be honest with her though - either things change, or I go looking for a FWB. I don’t think I’d ever ask for a divorce, but I will have to reluctantly accept it might end that way. She can pose her lack of sex as a punishment to you - but it tells you something. It says she doesn't regard it as a punishment to her. So, why would that be? Especially, as you say, she has a healthy sexual appetite that she exercises with toys, and had a high libido earlier in the marriage. Whether or not you lost interest in her is beside the point. What's evident is that she no longer sees you as a viable sexual partner, and thus does not regard the absence as a particular loss, on her part. This could be because she is angry or checked out of the relationship. She's making do with toys for now, and perhaps putting it into food and indulgence, causing her weight gain. Your interest in her will not cause some act of cosmic justice that will override her aversion to you. That's not how attraction and relationship dysfunction works. Remaining in a dysfunctional relationship gets you thinking strange thoughts - such as hating your sexuality, feeling loathesome when you are not, suicidal or prone to other self harm. These are less optimal solutions than leaving the relationship and being single again. I promise that after a good year or two, you won't see your ex wife in the same way again. You will see her as you would a person walking down the street. You might or might not find her attractive, but the intense frustration, hurt and desire will dissipate.
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Post by Handy on Apr 12, 2021 22:52:15 GMT -5
Apocrypha I promise that after a good year or two, you won't see your ex wife in the same way again. You will see her as you would a person walking down the street. You might or might not find her attractive, but the intense frustration, hurt and desire will dissipate.
That is pretty much where I am after I gave up on my relationship with my W.
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