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Post by winter123 on Sept 12, 2022 7:55:46 GMT -5
So I have posted here a while back but I find myself stuck yet again. I feel like I am in a constant reset relationship with my H. Although he cares for me and says he finds me attractive and is in love with me, he never shows me the affection I crave such a holding me, kissing me or saying anything that would make me feel desired. I have spoken to him about this on a number of occasions in our 12 year marriage and he will only initiate sex when we have had these conversations or on a weekend when it’s convenient for him to have sex so he’s not tired. Last year we had sex a total of 12 times and this year it has been around 9. He says he doesn’t feel comfortable displaying affection and feels shy which I understand to some extent but it doesn’t make it any less frustrating for me because I feel short changed in this marriage as I want a fulfilled meaningful intimate relationship. He is a wonderful person and I am happy in all other aspects of our life together and sometimes I feel selfish for not being grateful for what I have but these feelings of not being felt likeI am wanted or desired really make me feel lonely. I asked him why he got married recently and he said because he wanted to make someone happy, he clearly knows I’m not happy and I asked him that if he loves me and wants to see me happy then why won’t he try. Whenever I ask him questions about our sex life etc he’ll just say ‘I don’t know’. It is really hard to find a way forward if that is the response I get.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 12, 2022 10:48:30 GMT -5
I went back to read some of your old posts. What struck me immediately is how todays post mirrors and reflects what you wrote years ago. It doesn't appear your H is able to maintain the sort of behavior you would like to see from him for more than a few weeks. My X was the same. After a "talk" in which I expressed how unhappy I was a reset would follow and perhaps a week or 2 of intimacy. Then she would revert to ignoring me and refusing my efforts to initiate anything physical. She also didn't want any extended cuddling or kissing as it might encourage me to seek more. I didn't read all your back posts so I will ask if he has sought medical attention to see if he has issues with low thyroid or other lack of hormones, such as testosterone. If there are health issues, he may well have no idea why he acts as he does when it comes to affection toward you and intimacy with you specifically. First move is to check out his hormones and then if he is OK there you may need to seek therapy or counselling for him and for you both as a couple. I am not a big fan of counselling, but if your H really does care about you, he will do everything he can to insure your happiness and wellbeing. Good luck....
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Stuck
Sept 12, 2022 11:59:08 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by winter123 on Sept 12, 2022 11:59:08 GMT -5
I went back to read some of your old posts. What struck me immediately is how todays post mirrors and reflects what you wrote years ago. It doesn't appear your H is able to maintain the sort of behavior you would like to see from him for more than a few weeks. My X was the same. After a "talk" in which I expressed how unhappy I was a reset would follow and perhaps a week or 2 of intimacy. The she would revert to ignoring me and refusing my efforts to initiate anything physical. She also didn't want any extended cuddling or kissing as it might encourage me to seek more. I didn't read all your back posts so I will ask if he has sought medical attention to see if he has issues with low thyroid or other lack of hormones, such as testosterone. If there are health issues, he may well have no idea why he acts as he does when it comes to affection toward you and intimacy with you specifically. First move is to check out his hormones and then if he is OK there you may need to seek therapy or counselling for him and for you both as a couple. I am not a big fan of counselling, but if your H really does care about you, he will do everything he can to insure your happiness and wellbeing. Good luck.... Thanks for your post. Yes you’re absolutely right in that my H can’t seem to maintain the behaviour - without fail it stops after a few weeks of having the ‘reset talk’. I am the one who has mentioned marriage counselling but he just remains quiet, it’s like he doesn’t want to try or is not open to change. I’ve told him that I find it hard to believe him when he pays me a compliment, which isn’t often at all and only if i’ve dressed up. I can talk to him for about 10 mins standing face to face and then he’ll be like ‘you look nice’ but he’s said it in a way like he hasn’t forgotten to compliment me. I’m like how can it take an individual 10 mins after they see you all glammed up to then remember to tell you that you look nice? It feels like he says it because it’s what I want to hear rather than him meaning it. Although I tried to remain strong when I had the chat with him a couple of days ago my tears got the better of me but I still got through to making my point at which he interrupted and said the dilemma he was facing was whether to hug me or stay back. All I wanted was for him to understand what I was trying to convey and what I was feeling but instead he was not listening to a word I was saying and contemplating whether he should hug me. So all this just doesn’t come naturally to him and it makes him uncomfortable but where does that leave me? In answer to his question I did say that I didn’t want him to touch me because to me it felt like he’s doing that because he feels that is what I want rather than him feeling that he wants to or he should console me if I’m upset - the fact that his brain is thinking about what to do for me is just a joke! I’ve told him that I don’t want any physical touch from him and I’ll leave that to his terms as and when he feels ready so that way I know it’s come from him wanting to. I know this leaves me worse off to a certain extent but at the same time it makes me feel more in control. I know he can tell there’s a shift in my behaviour as I strictly just talk about the kids, work and general family stuff. I want to spend more time on my own and do things that make me happy without him so he may come crawling back (let’s live in hope shall we?) Ironically he’s booked in for a vasectomy at the end of the year because I’ve come off all forms of birth control for the last two years. Again it was more to have control over my body as why should I take pills when sex hardly reaches double digits in a year. He wants a vasectomy because he doesn’t want anymore kids….not for a worry free sex life. I feel like telling him not to bother! He is just completely clueless in how his actions make me feel cos I am totally at that point that I don’t even want to be around him or in his company.
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Sept 12, 2022 13:13:41 GMT -5
Post by worksforme2 on Sept 12, 2022 13:13:41 GMT -5
I went back and read all your old posts. Nowhere did I see anything about your H seeing a Doctor to get verification he has no physical or hormonal issues that could cause him to lose interest in intimacy. Also I am somewhat struck by the poor communication between the 2 of you. Your H seems to be clueless during the conversations about the issues bothering you. If he will not participate in counseling, it speaks volumes about the value he places on the marriage. Words cannot compete with actions. No matter if he says he loves you, if he isn't willing to get the help he needs or invest the effort and time needed to demonstrate his commitment, then it's unlikely things are going to improve for you.
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Sept 12, 2022 16:09:26 GMT -5
Post by northstarmom on Sept 12, 2022 16:09:26 GMT -5
winter73: Everything that you've posted here indicates that your husband isn't capable of giving you the kind of love that you want. You two are incompatible. He can no more change the way he expresses love than you can change what makes you feel love. What this means is that you need to decide whether it's worth it to stay in a marriage with a man who isn't capable of the kind of physical intimacy you desire. When you consider that realize that the physical intimacy you're getting now is probably the best that you'll get from him. The intimacy will likely decrease, not increase, over time. If you want a fulfilling, monogamous love with sexual intimacy, it won't come from him. You can't change him. He can't change him.
Perhaps one-on-one therapy -- for you -- would be a way for you to make up your mind about whether the relationship has other aspects that make it worth your staying in it or whether you'd be better off divorcing and making yourself available for the kind of love your husband can't give you.
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Stuck
Sept 12, 2022 16:58:42 GMT -5
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jim44444 likes this
Post by winter123 on Sept 12, 2022 16:58:42 GMT -5
Wow that hit home….we’ve always been in sync when it comes to all other aspects of our life so it takes some taking in of the word ‘incompatible’. I guess I have always believed there should be compatibility in love/intimacy/affection in how you want to give and receive it and of course herein lies the problem. I can’t and don’t want to divorce him so that is not an option so I guess I have to find a way to get through this even if that means accepting the situation for what it is. I just don’t feel like I have the fight left in me anymore or whether I even want to fight for it because I’m at the point where I think why is it always me raising it? Why is it always me trying to communicate openly and honestly? He knows the shift in me but yet he won’t talk to me about it..,oh he will happily talk about everything besides the elephant in the room.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 12, 2022 18:20:01 GMT -5
winter123: You are the only one raising the issue because he would probably be happy if you had a completely sexless marriage. For whatever reasons -- all beyond your or his control -- he's not interested in sex with you. If you ask, and he's willing, maybe he'd be willing for you to go outside of your marriage for sex. Maybe that solution would work for you. I know that for me, it wouldn't have worked because what I wanted was a romantic relationship that was monogamous, exclusive and included great sex.
I ended up divorcing after 34 years, the last 8 of which were completely sexless and MANY others of which met the medical definition of sexlessness -- less than 10 times a year. I remember that even before my 8 straight sexless years having 5 completely sexless years.
When I got to the point of realizing that I'd be happier being solo -- even forever solo -- than remaining with my husband (of 34 years), I divorced at age 61. I'm now 71 and have been for 9 years with a man who is sexually and emotionally compatible with me. I realize now that it wasn't just sexual intimacy I was missing in my marriage, it also was emotional intimacy. Interestingly, my ex has married a woman from a culture that doesn't value emotional intimacy well. He seems happy. I hope he is and I wish him well.
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Post by baza on Sept 12, 2022 22:40:57 GMT -5
Given your history here Sister winter123 , it would seem that your policy of focusing on your husband and his issues has not been - and is unlikely to be - a successful strategy. The time might be near where your focus needs to get off him and your past, and direct your full attention on you, and your future. You have some control over where you set the future direction of your life. You have no control over choices your spouse has made up to now, or the choices he makes from now on. So the next series of choices is on you. So you can make informed choices, it would be a good idea to consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. As one of the few options you have it warrants fully checking out. This doesn't mean you charge straight off to divorce court. It DOE'S mean that you get yourself familiar with divorce as a possible outcome, and knowledge is power. A support group is a good thing to have during this trying situation - and/or a skilled personal therapist to help you (and any minor children) through the maze.
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Post by winter123 on Sept 13, 2022 7:17:27 GMT -5
Thank you for your comments, really appreciate it. These last few days have been hard as all I want to do is talk about the issues but my H just talks about everything else normally and completely avoids the topic. He knows i’m not myself but yet he doesn’t want to do anything about it. I am currently looking into some support/counselling for myself….just need the courage to go through with it as it’s not something I’ve spoken about to another person face to face or by phone. I know I need support as I feel really low, sad and my head feels heavy constantly. Seeing my H behaving the way he does further enhances the way I’m feeling and it hurts to know that despite him seeing me unhappy and knowing he’s the reason behind it, he doesn’t do anything.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 13, 2022 9:10:28 GMT -5
Seeing my H behaving the way he does further enhances the way I’m feeling and it hurts to know that despite him seeing me unhappy and knowing he’s the reason behind it, he doesn’t do anything. This is the jest of it for most of us here. Despite repeated efforts, talks etc., it is experiencing the lack of real action or change on their part that's so disheartening. Their half-hearted responses suck the life out of the marriage. Been there, done that in mine.
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Post by jim44444 on Sept 13, 2022 9:30:57 GMT -5
I can’t and don’t want to divorce him so that is not an option so I guess I have to find a way to get through this even if that means accepting the situation for what it is. Unfortunately you are by this decision giving all control of the relationship to your H. He most likely knows divorce is not an option and can proceed accordingly. As I read your descriptions of his behaviors I wondered if maybe he could be on the Autism spectrum. He may not be able to recognize the visual clues that most people pick up on. Your getting 'glammed up' is just a different outfit in his eyes until he processes other stimuli and then he intellectually formats a compliment. But no matter what is driving his libido and relationship style you cannot fix or change him. You can only change your response to the relationship.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 13, 2022 16:30:39 GMT -5
winter123 says: "I know I need support as I feel really low, sad and my head feels heavy constantly. Seeing my H behaving the way he does further enhances the way I’m feeling and it hurts to know that despite him seeing me unhappy and knowing he’s the reason behind it, he doesn’t do anything."
I'm glad you're planning on getting support. Don't delay too long or else the holiday season will be upon you and therapists will be on vacation.
As for your husband, perhaps it would help to think that he's doing the best he can do. He can no more change his sex drive or desire for you than you can force yourself not to have a sex drive. He may be just as comfortable with not having a sex drive (or a sex drive for you)as you are with being a sexual person. He's probably as eager to becoming sexual as you are eager to not become sexual even though it probably would please your husband if you stopped approaching him for sexual intimacy.
You two are sexually incompatible. Period.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 14, 2022 13:31:24 GMT -5
After I divorced and was discarding old papers, I read through diaries spanning decades of my marriage. I'd kept writing about the same thing: The lack of intimacy and how my husband didn't pay attention to my concerns about it. What I could realize after my divorce was that while I had complained for years about how my husband didn't pay attention to my concerns, the most important person who wasn't paying attention to -- and taking action about my concerns -- was me. When I started taking my concerns seriously and realizing what I had control over the life I was living, that's when I was able to let go of a marriage that would never be what I wanted.
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 14, 2022 14:41:46 GMT -5
Interestingly, my ex has married a woman from a culture that doesn't value emotional intimacy well. He seems happy. I hope he is and I wish him well. Thread hijacking a bit… Kudos to him, I suppose, for finding a partner that seems to match his needs. The root of our problems seems to be partners that deny their own interests (or have done a shit job of taking their own inventory before a life-changing partner selection) and force an ill-fit match. I maintain the idea that our mis-matched spouses are also not entirely happy being with us when we’re unhappy about things they won’t change. No, they couldn’t care less about intimacy, but surely they’d be happier with someone who didn’t pressure them for it? DC
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 14, 2022 17:11:59 GMT -5
Interestingly, my ex has married a woman from a culture that doesn't value emotional intimacy well. He seems happy. I hope he is and I wish him well. I maintain the idea that our mis-matched spouses are also not entirely happy being with us when we’re unhappy about things they won’t change. No, they couldn’t care less about intimacy, but surely they’d be happier with someone who didn’t pressure them for it? DC And yet, for most of our refuser's, acceptance of another person into the relationship for the express purpose of intimacy is something few of them will countenance.
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