Obey the Baza: Preparing for Outsourcing or Divorce

I found it very useful to be in therapy as part of strengthening my supports as I divorced.

In the past, I’d had different therapists and had let cost be the main factor. But this time, I decided I was worth finding the best therapist I could so I called the local university that had graduate programs in social work and psychology and asked them for recommendations for an experienced (in other words a professor or alum, not a student) woman therapist who was experienced in helping women with midlife issues.

They gave me 3 names, and I read about their backgrounds and picked one that seemed like the best fit for me. During my first visit I interviewed her about her background as a practitioner and told her about my concerns, which at that time included not only a longtime sexless marriage, but a long period of unemployment and feeling depressed and unsure of what to do next. She listened compassionately and asked good questions that made me think, not close up. She did not take my insurance, but I decided that I felt comfortable with her and seeing herwas worth doing whatever it would take to be happier and more fulfilled.

I had no interest in group therapy. I wanted a one-on-one. I didn't want to share my time with others. Even though money was an issue with me, I decided that my life was worth the financial sacrifice. The therapist I selected also didn't take insurance, so I had to pay out of pocket. But I was worth that sacrifice, I decided.

And that was true. She was an amazing therapist for me who among other things helped me take my own various dissatisfactions seriously and then take responsibility for creating a life that was more fulfilling. Thus, instead of continuing to constantly complain that my husband had no friends, and as a result, we didn't have much of a social life with others, I started creating events -- lunches -- in which I invited my friends to meet me for lunch. I also dove into things like photography, painting, acting, singing, dancing -- that I'd long been interested in, but hadn't done because my husband either wasn't interested or wasn't fun to do those things with.

My therapist didn't tell me to do any of those things. She just helped me listen to myself and take my own desires and interests seriously. She also encouraged me to get on antidepressants, which made a big difference, too, as it ended up that I'd probably been depressed all of my life. My normal was what other people would call being depressed. I actually decided to divorce a year or 2 after ending therapy with her (she and I had realized that therapy was no longer necessary for me because I'd created the more fulfilling life I'd wanted). I hadn't gotten into therapy with the goal of becoming divorced, but after I started living a life that was more pleasing to me, I had little in common with my partner. I did go back into therapy with the same therapist during my divorce process. As the divorce was mutually agreed upon, the process didn't include vindictiveness. Still, I appreciated her support as I did things that were hard for me like figuring out the finances.

And when I started dating, it was very helpful to get her feedback. For instance, one thing she told me was not to do what I'd done with my husband-- take responsibility for shielding him from his feelings. She helped me not get into the fixer or protective mode, and that definitely paid off for me. The man I've now been with for almost 10 years is unlike anyone I had dated before. He owns his feelings, can talk about painful things, and he has longtime friends. And, of course, he likes sex and is good at it. All of those were things that my ex could not do nor could most of the men I'd previously dated. My therapist helped me break that pattern.

mirrororchid: "What types of things do you know not to do and some of us may be doing right now?"

1. To take responsibility for my own happiness. For instance, my ex was a very solitary and introverted person who was very happy doing things like biking alone and even going to sports games alone. He was not aware of his emotions. If we went out to a party, I would avoid being near him because all of his conversations were impersonal. I'm the type of person who connects with people easily. If my ex and I were conversing with a person and the conversation turned personal, my ex would change the subject to something abstract.

Therapy helped me hear myself when I talked about how lonely I was and how I wish we had more friends. As a result of hearing myself, on my own I started doing things by myself -- joining a spiritual group, taking various classes that interested me, going to plays by myself, traveling by myself, and volunteering at local theaters, inviting people to meet me for lunch so I could get to know them better. I ended up creating a circle of friends for myself. Even though I was still in a marriage in which my now ex and I cohabitated like roommates, I was happier.

Another thing I learned through therapy was to be more discerning about whom to keep in or invite into my life. I had tended to be attracted to people who were needy and users. I remember one time going to a workshop on, I think, plant based eating. Across the room, I saw a woman who seemed very depressed to me so after the workshop, I talked to her and invited her to a later lunch at my place. She ended up coming over and guilting me into giving her some plants I'd just bought for myself and afterward, she got a friend whom I'd also invited over to take her out and then to allow her son to do some work -- for free -- at the woman's house. By talking with my therapist I realized that I don't have to be, as she put it, "the universal breast." Instead of seeking out miserable people and trying to help them, I can notice their misery, silently wish them well, and go on about my day.

Learning this also paid off when it came to dating so on my list of "must haves" was that a man had to be open with his feelings, have real friends, and be independent enough to live his life competently happily whether or not I was in it. In the past, I'd selected men whom I felt needed my help -- expressing feelings, sexuality, making friends, etc. I now know those are the type of men I need to avoid. Of course, it goes without saying that my SM had taught me that it was important to have sexual chemistry and to be with a man who knew what to do instead of a man who needed to be taught to enjoy or do sex well.

Finally, over the course of the various years of therapy I've had, I learned to stop making excuses for people who treat me badly such as not showing up on time for lunches or who say snarky things to me and then try to pass those off as jokes or my being "too sensitive." I used to make excuses such as thinking the person was stressed or had a hard childhood, etc. But I now know that I'm important as are my feelings. If someone treats me badly, they are not a person I need to have in my life even if their behavior is due to trauma or something similar. It's not my job to fix them or to let them take space in my mind by my trying to figure out the causes of their behavior. (This, btw, is why I was urging GC to not waste time on Debbi, the woman who was treating him with such disinterest.)

"If I may - How were you doing that? What is/was "feeling shielding."

Example: Our couple's therapist would ask him a question, the answer of which would require him to express feelings. H would get a deer in the headlights look and say nothing and I'd jump in and answer for him. I didn't even realize I was doing that until she pointed it out.

Another example: I found out (by accidentally finding my son's blog) that our older son, who then was about 21 and living 3,000 miles away with H's sister, was using drugs harder than pot, shoplifting, getting into bar fights, and had made a suicide attempt and appeared to be suffering from mania (blog described going days without sleep). I showed the evidence to my H, who said that since son was a writer, what I was reading was probably fiction. H then completely ignored what was going on. I meanwhile, basically had a mental breakdown while trying to arrange to get help for son. I told a friend what was going on and she said that I looked like hell, while H looked happy as usual. She said, "You are carrying the full load and your husband is ignoring S's problems)." And, btw, it did end up that son was on meth!

I believe that many of us here are shielding or have shielded our partners from feelings by our only delicately -- if at all -- speaking to our partners about
the sexlessness in our marriages. I know that I literally went months and years without addressing it because I feared that talking about it would crush H. Things are very different in my post SM relationship in which I have a partner who is able to share feelings and concerns openly including about sexual and other personal issues.

I also have learned from my therapist that if a person acts like they are too fragile to discuss important issues or if they stonewall me after I bring up a concern or they act like I'm overly pressuring them by wanting them to respond, they are not the right person for me.

If you haven't had therapy, I strongly suggest it. I've read that younger people now think that therapy is so important and helpful that they view it as a positive if prospective partners say they have had or are in therapy.I've had at least 10 years of therapy during my 71 years and have learned a lot from it including how to recognize my own emotions and how to recognize and avoid people who are toxic to me.

Wow! This is an impressive thread! Thank you!

I would like to add that my county has some links for paperwork, etc, on divorce for free. I found this helpful when figuring out what to take with me for my valuable lawyer time. If you don't have children under 21 you could file yourself. Shocking.

Glad you like it thus far.
I hope we can make it thorough.
I don't want to exactly encourage divorce, but if it's necessary; stress, delays, anguish, and frustration strike me as useless.

Thank you for suggesting county web resources.
You can google a county with the words "filing" and "divorce" and see what comes up:

I picked a random county in Wyoming and it referred me to the state's legal help page.
After browsing three links deep I found a couple promising start pages:

equaljustice.wy.gov/index.php/get-legal-help/self-help/family-law/divorce
www.courts.state.wy.us/legal-assistances-and-forms/court-self-help-forms/

Similar pages are likely available just about anywhere if Wyoming has this much.