|
Post by kpslick on Feb 13, 2023 5:43:55 GMT -5
Hi Everyone,
New here and wanted to post my story. Some feedback would be appreciated.
So my wife and I have been together for 21 years, married for 16. We haven't had sex for 6 years now. We have always had different sex drives and different approaches to sex. Of course when we first met and were in our early/mid 20's things were good, but we've always been different. She used to 'like' and 'enjoy' sex, but never used to like to FUCK, if you know what I mean.
I have also always suffered from delayed ejaculation. It's something I've always had since the day I lost my virginity - first time having sex and penetration was 45 mins and I only came when the condom broke! Suffice it to say my DE has caused HUGE problems in my marriage. As I said, my wife was never very dirty and was never INTO sex like I was and always preferred it quick and fast and over with - a major issue when I suffer from DE. No matter how much I tried to explain to her that it was nothing to do with her, she could just never accept it. She always took it personally and we used to have endless fights about it. But no matter what I did nothing every changed - I told her that it was no problem and we could stop whenever she wanted, but that wasn't good enough. Then the fights and anger would make everything worse and then next time we had sex all I could think was that I needed to cum quickly and well that just makes it all worse. I never ending loop of misery.
Our extended sex sessions then led to her getting physically injured - losing skin, getting infections etc. A total fucking nightmare.
On top of our sexual issues we also have major issues around socializing. I am a very social person and LOVE being around people - my wife is the opposite and suffers from social anxiety. From pretty much the beginning of our relationship I would have to go to most social functions alone. I got so sick and tired of always making excuses for why I was by myself. In the end, eventually, people just stopped asking where she was. That was obviously a relief for me but also very sad. This issue also caused a lot of fights.
Then we decided to try and start a family and this is where the shit really hit the fan. At this point we were about 5 years into our relationship and not yet a year married and already our sex life dropping off a cliff. We both desperately wanted children, especially her, but do you think even that was enough for her to want sex all the time? Nope. She explained that there's only about 2 days in the month when you can get pregnant so she would just wait till she was ovulating before we would have sex. I said to her that I know that's true but surely we should just have sex every day for at least a week either side of the date? But no, she would have no part in it. Instead she would wait till the little test told her she was ovulating then instruct me to get on and do it. Most of the time she would make me go and watch porn and only come in when I was ready to cum. So very romantic.
Long story short we couldn't get pregnant and had to go the IVF route. In the end it took 6 rounds of IVF and eventually we had to use a donor egg. We got there in the end but it was quite the ordeal. Anyone who's been through IVF knows what a toll it takes. We did 6 and the amount of drugs they pumped into her was insane. That whole ordeal pretty much destroyed what little sex life we had left. After she got pregnant I was so excited for obvious reasons, but for another reason too. I absolutely ADORE pregnant women and am MASSIVELY sexually attracted to them. But of course I was allowed no where near her while she was pregnant. I do understand as she was very scared of losing the baby, but all the doctors told her there was no problem or danger - but she wouldn't. That was nearly 9 years ago and I'm still bitter about it.
Also during the IVF attempts one of our cats died and my wife went down a hell hole of anxiety about it. It was insane - she was convinced that she had killed the cat by putting it's collar on too tight. Total insanity and another cause of drama in our marriage.
Then our daughter was born and we moved from the UK back home to Australia. This was another big problem as my wife never wanted to come back to Australia. She hates it here and wants to be back in the UK. It's like she threw a tantrum and has never come out of it. It's like she's given up on life since we got back here.
To make matters worse not long after we got back to Australia her lungs started to collapse all the time! Major medical drama. She has had 17 lung collapses so far and has also had major surgery to try and stop them collapsing. Not her fault at all and I would do anything to take her pain away. Consequently she has been on oxcycodone for 6 years now. On top of her anti anxiety meds what little libido she did have has been completely destroyed.
However, apart from a few bad spells, she's been completely functional the whole time. She works from home and has never stopped working. The house is always immaculate with the housework never neglected. The only thing that has been neglected, it seems, is me.
I completely understand that she has suffered a lot. A lot more than most do and as I said before I would do ANYTHING to take her pain and discomfort away. But I'm sick of not mattering. I'm sick of my needs not being met. She has time and energy to do the dishes, vacuum the floors, make dinner etc. but absolutely no time for her "sex addict" husband. That's what she calls me - the guy who hasn't had sex for 6 years and prior to that was once every few months.
The absolute last thing I want is duty sex, but it's better than nothing. But she can't even be bothered to do that. Due to her medical problems I used to keep it under wraps as best I could, but every few months it would bubble to the surface and we would fight about it. Then I would push it back down and just get on with life. Then a few months later up it would come again. All the while nothing changed on her end. As long as I just smiled and acted like everything was fine - everything was fine.
The only time we have problems in our marriage is when I'm enough of an asshole to bring it up.
We stopped sleeping in the same bed years ago - mainly due to her health issues. Sleep is a MAJOR need for my wife and any disruption is not acceptable. On top of her medical issues causing problems with sleep I also used to get up at 3am to go to work which used to wake her - hence the sleeping in different rooms. But I don't get up that early anymore but we still sleep in different rooms. This remains a HUGE problem for me, but she doesn't think it matters. The only thing that matters to her is sleep. She goes to bed at 7.30pm most nights so I usually spend all night by myself. I'm sick of being lonely.
All of this drama along with the pressure of providing for our family has made me miserable. My misery translates into being in a bad mood at home which just makes everything worse. I can only imagine how terrible it must be to live with someone who's down and in a bad mood all the time. But I can't help it. This then makes everything worse - like a negative feedback loop.
So about 18 months to 2 years ago we had yet another all out argument where the subject of divorce was brought up yet again (by her, as usual). In the end I pussied out and decided to, yet again, compromise. As I said I realise how terrible it must be to live with someone who's down in the dumps all of the time so I made a deal with her. I told her that for the next 6 months I would come home every day as the happiest man in the world - literally farting rainbows. I wanted to make home life as pleasant as possible for her. And so I did it. It was hard but I did it. And absolutely nothing changed. Nothing. I did everything I said I would and she made no effort at all to change. Still hurts me to think about it to this day.
But despite all of it I still tried to give her the benefit of the doubt due to her medical issues. I feel so sorry for her.
But I'm now at a point where I can't do it anymore - all I am is her roommate. Her best friend (HERS) told me that all I was, was her carer. Even her friends can see it.
So after years and years and years of being the eternal optimist, I'm finally at a point where I feel like I've just checked out. I've stopped thinking about our future. I'm so sad. I love her very much and have been with her more than half my life. The last 21 years of my life have been totally dedicated to her and now I feel totally lost.
For the first time ever we are seeing a marriage Councillor but I feel like it's a waste of time. I really don't want to admit it but I want this over with. I desperately don't want to be divorced. I desperately don't want to destroy our family but I just don't think I can go on. I don't want to die miserable. We only get one shot at life, this isn't a dress rehearsal.
I just don't know if I have the strength to actually do it. I am so worried about her. She can't look after herself - she earns next to nothing with her home business and rely's heavily on me to help he with her health issues. But I need love. I need to be needed. I need to feel wanted. I want to fucking have some intimacy with another human being.
I feel so pathetic and lost. I feel trapped and helpless. Fuck.
|
|
|
Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 13, 2023 7:55:16 GMT -5
kpslick.. welcome to the club( no one wants to be part of) Seems per the frequency you have been in a sexless marriage most of your marriage. While I agree delayed ejaculation can be an issue it doesn't have to be. My bf also had that issue with his wife but does not with me anymore because I didn't treat it as a problem we had lots of foreplay and put some thought and energy into it and once he knew I wasn't going to say are we done yet it resolved. How old is your child? I'm sure your child would rather have 2 happy parents living separately then 2 miserable parents. I don't know what your financial situation is or your age but if you make a lot she would probably get some kind of alimony. Maybe her insurance would pay for some care taker hours? Would she qualify for disability and still be able to do her business on the side? Other option if opening your marriage so you can get sex, not be lonely and she can still live how she has been.. If none of that is an option or with any of the above options I suggest counseling for yourself. And doing things socially that make you happy. Enjoy your child even if they are an adult. Do things together. Join meet up groups that get together in the evening she's sleeping anyway.
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Feb 13, 2023 8:32:00 GMT -5
angeleyes65 hit some of the things I was going to comment. I would add you could add some toys to the foreplay. If she is willing, there are pumps and other male devices to help bring you to an orgasm. Perhaps using one or more of them prior to PIV to get you close. Then you may not last so long in her. I also have always taken a long time to ejaculate, except when I am in a womans backdoor. Usually, anal will do it for me after 10-15 minutes. Again, if she is willing to give it a try. If she is not willing to stimulate you more prior to PIV then cumming quickly probably isn't going to happen. I agree in that it might be time to talk with your W about opening up the marriage. Since it would remove her having to endure sex with you, she may be willing to accept a don't ask don't tell fwb for you. Can it hurt to have that discussion?
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Feb 13, 2023 9:24:59 GMT -5
angeleyes65 hit some of the things I was going to comment. I would add you could add some toys to the foreplay. If she is willing, there are pumps and other male devices to help bring you to an orgasm. Perhaps using one or more of them prior to PIV to get you close. Then you may not last so long in her. I also have always taken a long time to ejaculate, except when I am in a womans backdoor. Usually, anal will do it for me after 10-15 minutes. Again, if she is willing to give it a try. If she is not willing to stimulate you more prior to PIV then cumming quickly probably isn't going to happen. I agree in that it might be time to talk with your W about opening up the marriage. Since it would remove her having to endure sex with you, she may be willing to accept a don't ask don't tell fwb for you. Can it hurt to have that discussion? None of that is going to work here. It's clear from the story that she already views kpslick with disgust and contempt and that there are deeply ingrained issues around sex, and that if these are questioned as a strategy, that there are fallback medical issues as well. Opening a relationship? Anal? Toys in the bed? For a person who views her husband as a "sex addict"? Come on.
|
|
|
Post by heelots on Feb 13, 2023 9:43:03 GMT -5
angeleyes65 hit some of the things I was going to comment. I would add you could add some toys to the foreplay. If she is willing, there are pumps and other male devices to help bring you to an orgasm. Perhaps using one or more of them prior to PIV to get you close. Then you may not last so long in her. I also have always taken a long time to ejaculate, except when I am in a womans backdoor. Usually, anal will do it for me after 10-15 minutes. Again, if she is willing to give it a try. If she is not willing to stimulate you more prior to PIV then cumming quickly probably isn't going to happen. I agree in that it might be time to talk with your W about opening up the marriage. Since it would remove her having to endure sex with you, she may be willing to accept a don't ask don't tell fwb for you. Can it hurt to have that discussion? None of that is going to work here. It's clear from the story that she already views angeleyes65 with disgust and contempt and that there are deeply ingrained issues around sex, and that if these are questioned as a strategy, that there are fallback medical issues as well. Opening a relationship? Anal? Toys in the bed? For a person who views her husband as a "sex addict"? Come on. Are you sure we are not married to the same woman? 😅
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Feb 13, 2023 9:49:26 GMT -5
None of that is going to work here. It's clear from the story that she already views angeleyes65 with disgust and contempt and that there are deeply ingrained issues around sex, and that if these are questioned as a strategy, that there are fallback medical issues as well. Opening a relationship? Anal? Toys in the bed? For a person who views her husband as a "sex addict"? Come on. You may well be right, but my own experience tells me introducing a different perspective can bring about a least a temporary change in the relationship. This poor guy has been through the wringer. It may just give rise to a false hope, but in leu of your seeming to conclude there is no hope for this poster, I prefer to exhaust a potential possibility for some improvement via differing approaches. Most refusers probably view the members here as sex addicts. But there are some stories here that represent turn arounds or spouses compromising to save their marriage. Is it a log shot? Without a doubt it is. But I prefer long shot to no shot. PS....I don't think you meant angeleyes65, but kpslick.
|
|
|
Post by blunder8 on Feb 13, 2023 11:05:17 GMT -5
That is so cruel. Stay strong, make goals to improve yourself for your sake. It's easy to let her drag you down. She owns the keys to your sex life now. She doesn't own the rest of you. Find outside interests and pursue them.
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Feb 13, 2023 13:03:15 GMT -5
We haven't had sex for 6 years now. We have always had different sex drives and different approaches to sex. my wife ... preferred it quick and fast and over with - I told her that it was no problem and we could stop whenever she wanted, but that wasn't good enough. I am a very social person and LOVE being around people - my wife is the opposite and suffers from social anxiety. From pretty much the beginning of our relationship I would have to go to most social functions alone. I got so sick and tired of always making excuses for why I was by myself. not yet a year married and already our sex life dropping off a cliff. she was ovulating then instruct me to get on and do it. Most of the time she would make me go and watch porn and only come in when I was ready to cum. all the doctors told her there was no problem or danger - but she wouldn't. That was nearly 9 years ago and I'm still bitter about it. Australia. She hates it here and wants to be back in the UK. It's like she threw a tantrum and has never come out of it. It's like she's given up on life since we got back here. She has time and energy to do the dishes, vacuum the floors, make dinner etc. but absolutely no time for her "sex addict" husband. The absolute last thing I want is duty sex, but it's better than nothing. But she can't even be bothered to do that. I did everything I said I would and she made no effort at all to change. Still hurts me to think about it to this day.
But despite all of it I still tried to give her the benefit of the doubt due to her medical issues. I feel so sorry for her.
But I'm now at a point where I can't do it anymore - all I am is her roommate. Her best friend (HERS) told me that all I was, was her carer. Even her friends can see it.
So after years and years and years of being the eternal optimist, I'm finally at a point where I feel like I've just checked out. I've stopped thinking about our future. I'm so sad. I love her very much and have been with her more than half my life. The last 21 years of my life have been totally dedicated to her and now I feel totally lost.
For the first time ever we are seeing a marriage Councillor but I feel like it's a waste of time. I really don't want to admit it but I want this over with. I desperately don't want to be divorced. I desperately don't want to destroy our family but I just don't think I can go on. I don't want to die miserable. We only get one shot at life, this isn't a dress rehearsal.
You've done a great job explaining the story of your conflict . IMO, this is one of those cases where the mismatch is so great from the get-go that it's clear the sex issue comes on the back end of a situation where she doesn't want to be married to you. She's probably just as resentful of being hitched to you - and this is coming out in every interaction - but also likely just as trapped. Ironically, this can also be used to find "common ground" in how to proceed to wrap things up. One point I'd like to make - "duty sex" is not better than nothing. Not in the long run. If you find you are having sex with someone who hates you, or even who just doesn't want you - it's not going to be better in the long run than just handling matters yourself. As I think you are sensing here, but not naming it - sex in a married relationship is about more than simply the sensation or relief. It shouldn't be viewed as being like changing a diaper or lancing boils - it's supposed to fill your cups - and I can see it doesn't here. In my 8-9 years in this, including my own situation, I've never seen a counselling intervention successfully unite a marriage that's never really been united, and especially in cases where contempt has set in, and also in cases where at least one of the parties knows they want out. Each one of any of those ends in divorce almost 100%. You have all three. The medical issues and other elements that bind you and make you feel guilty, indebted or that you owe something - that's common. With medical stuff, that's even harder, but there's always a version of it. I find it helpful to approach it by parsing things out - recognize truths without deciding at first what must be done about it. And, two things can be true at the same time. So, you may both have legit reasons to feel cooperative and supportive in ways to each other and to the family enterprise, while also recognizing that neither of you have really had what either of you might consider to be "a marriage", if you had committed to your operating state in public at the altar. When you split these things out you can recognize the facts on the ground first. Truth is helpful in any complex situation. And then, when you both know what you can agree on as far as the facts are, you can then negotiate what ought to be done about it after that, understanding that divorce and separation can unfold in any number of different ways and formats for cooperation and obligations toward each other. Here's a way to approach "hope" in this circumstance: Don't attach hope to the outcome of remaining married, or, in marriage, suddenly discovering commonalities in sexual attraction. Instead, embrace the ambiguity of the adventure to come, or of the mitigation of disappointments and unrealistic expectations that are more aligned with marriage instead of what you have. Embrace the idea of modifying your expectations and relationship format to instead adapt to the actual relationship you have, and do the best you can with that.
|
|
|
Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 13, 2023 14:07:52 GMT -5
I agree with apocrypha duty sex is not better than no sex. Been there done that burned the t-shirt.
|
|
|
Post by kpslick on Feb 13, 2023 14:12:30 GMT -5
We haven't had sex for 6 years now. We have always had different sex drives and different approaches to sex. my wife ... preferred it quick and fast and over with - I told her that it was no problem and we could stop whenever she wanted, but that wasn't good enough. I am a very social person and LOVE being around people - my wife is the opposite and suffers from social anxiety. From pretty much the beginning of our relationship I would have to go to most social functions alone. I got so sick and tired of always making excuses for why I was by myself. not yet a year married and already our sex life dropping off a cliff. she was ovulating then instruct me to get on and do it. Most of the time she would make me go and watch porn and only come in when I was ready to cum. all the doctors told her there was no problem or danger - but she wouldn't. That was nearly 9 years ago and I'm still bitter about it. Australia. She hates it here and wants to be back in the UK. It's like she threw a tantrum and has never come out of it. It's like she's given up on life since we got back here. She has time and energy to do the dishes, vacuum the floors, make dinner etc. but absolutely no time for her "sex addict" husband. The absolute last thing I want is duty sex, but it's better than nothing. But she can't even be bothered to do that. I did everything I said I would and she made no effort at all to change. Still hurts me to think about it to this day.
But despite all of it I still tried to give her the benefit of the doubt due to her medical issues. I feel so sorry for her.
But I'm now at a point where I can't do it anymore - all I am is her roommate. Her best friend (HERS) told me that all I was, was her carer. Even her friends can see it.
So after years and years and years of being the eternal optimist, I'm finally at a point where I feel like I've just checked out. I've stopped thinking about our future. I'm so sad. I love her very much and have been with her more than half my life. The last 21 years of my life have been totally dedicated to her and now I feel totally lost.
For the first time ever we are seeing a marriage Councillor but I feel like it's a waste of time. I really don't want to admit it but I want this over with. I desperately don't want to be divorced. I desperately don't want to destroy our family but I just don't think I can go on. I don't want to die miserable. We only get one shot at life, this isn't a dress rehearsal.
You've done a great job explaining the story of your conflict . IMO, this is one of those cases where the mismatch is so great from the get-go that it's clear the sex issue comes on the back end of a situation where she doesn't want to be married to you. She's probably just as resentful of being hitched to you - and this is coming out in every interaction - but also likely just as trapped. Ironically, this can also be used to find "common ground" in how to proceed to wrap things up. One point I'd like to make - "duty sex" is not better than nothing. Not in the long run. If you find you are having sex with someone who hates you, or even who just doesn't want you - it's not going to be better in the long run than just handling matters yourself. As I think you are sensing here, but not naming it - sex in a married relationship is about more than simply the sensation or relief. It shouldn't be viewed as being like changing a diaper or lancing boils - it's supposed to fill your cups - and I can see it doesn't here. In my 8-9 years in this, including my own situation, I've never seen a counselling intervention successfully unite a marriage that's never really been united, and especially in cases where contempt has set in, and also in cases where at least one of the parties knows they want out. Each one of any of those ends in divorce almost 100%. You have all three. The medical issues and other elements that bind you and make you feel guilty, indebted or that you owe something - that's common. With medical stuff, that's even harder, but there's always a version of it. I find it helpful to approach it by parsing things out - recognize truths without deciding at first what must be done about it. And, two things can be true at the same time. So, you may both have legit reasons to feel cooperative and supportive in ways to each other and to the family enterprise, while also recognizing that neither of you have really had what either of you might consider to be "a marriage", if you had committed to your operating state in public at the altar. When you split these things out you can recognize the facts on the ground first. Truth is helpful in any complex situation. And then, when you both know what you can agree on as far as the facts are, you can then negotiate what ought to be done about it after that, understanding that divorce and separation can unfold in any number of different ways and formats for cooperation and obligations toward each other. Here's a way to approach "hope" in this circumstance: Don't attach hope to the outcome of remaining married, or, in marriage, suddenly discovering commonalities in sexual attraction. Instead, embrace the ambiguity of the adventure to come, or of the mitigation of disappointments and unrealistic expectations that are more aligned with marriage instead of what you have. Embrace the idea of modifying your expectations and relationship format to instead adapt to the actual relationship you have, and do the best you can with that. Thank you so much for your response. I’ve only been lurking here a few days but have read many of your comments and they always strike me as very wise, insightful, realistic and in many ways very calming for me. My wife and I used to be extremely close. We wouldn’t even leave the room without kissing each other. There’s always been the underlying issues I’ve mentioned but we did used to be very much in love. Despite all that I’ve written my wife is a kind and very nice person - just quite selfish. Perhaps that’s not a bad thing. The fact of the matter is I wish I could be. I have MAJOR problems telling anyone no, most of all my wife. The more I think about our problems the more I think a lot of it is my fault for this reason. There’s a reason they say nice guys finish last. What sort of woman wants a pathetic weakling who can’t say no. Anyway, thank you again, I appreciate your words.
|
|
|
Post by kpslick on Feb 13, 2023 14:52:42 GMT -5
kpslick.. welcome to the club( no one wants to be part of) Seems per the frequency you have been in a sexless marriage most of your marriage. While I agree delayed ejaculation can be an issue it doesn't have to be. My bf also had that issue with his wife but does not with me anymore because I didn't treat it as a problem we had lots of foreplay and put some thought and energy into it and once he knew I wasn't going to say are we done yet it resolved. How old is your child? I'm sure your child would rather have 2 happy parents living separately then 2 miserable parents. I don't know what your financial situation is or your age but if you make a lot she would probably get some kind of alimony. Maybe her insurance would pay for some care taker hours? Would she qualify for disability and still be able to do her business on the side? Other option if opening your marriage so you can get sex, not be lonely and she can still live how she has been.. If none of that is an option or with any of the above options I suggest counseling for yourself. And doing things socially that make you happy. Enjoy your child even if they are an adult. Do things together. Join meet up groups that get together in the evening she's sleeping anyway. Hi angeleyes65. Thanks for responding. A little more background for you… I am 43 turning 44 this year. I’m a 6’2”, 250lb muscular guy. Besides working I like to spend time in the gym - it’s pretty much my only outlet. I’m an electrician and started my own business about 18 months ago. Have been very busy so had a year off the gym but have just got back into it. My wife is 46 and due to her health problems is extremely unfit and reasonably overweight. She actually used to be a bikini model and dancer when we met. She legitimately had one of the most amazing bodies I had ever seen when I met her. She is also a very beautiful woman. I was amazed I actually got anywhere near her when we first got together. But as I said her medical issues have wreaked havoc on her body and this has caused more anxiety problems. Unfortunately our finances are not good. The cost of living in Australia is, unbeknownst to most people, EXTREMELY expensive. Ever since we moved back to Australia we’ve barely kept our head above water. For a long time I was working 2 jobs. Getting up at 3am to go to my first job, then working on my business from 12pm till about 6pm. We own a house here and still own a house in England. I have wanted to sell the house in England for years, but my wife has not allowed this. I think she feels that our house over there is her way back and if we sell it she’ll be stuck here forever. If we sold it we could completely pay our mortgage off here in Australia and take the financial pressure off. But she won’t. As far as my DE goes, I’ve tried everything. She simply won’t work with me about it. As I said it just becomes a negative feedback loop. She solved the problem by just making the decision that we wouldn’t have sex anymore. Problem solved. As far as opening the marriage - of course I’ve thought about it a lot. I just don’t know if I could. Since the day I met her I’ve NEVER EVER been unfaithful to her. Despite all the problems and sex being withheld I’ve never strayed. Even before we were married. Just before I met her I decided to go live in canada for a while. And I did, even though we had met. I was only 23 at the time and remained faithful the whole time I was there. Not sure you realise how hard that was - especially as I was living in Whistler, the home of the STD in British Columbia. I guess I’m a bit of a traditionalist regarding marriage. I’ve spend so many years being true to her that I don’t know that I ever could. I can’t even be unfaithful to her in my dreams. On the odd occasion that I have wet dreams I always get to the point of having sex with whoever it is and then stop. I tell them I can’t because I’m married. In my dream. 🤦🏼 She has actually said to me several times in the past that I should just go get it elsewhere. Whilst obviously appealing this also pisses me off. Instead of making love to her husband she’d rather just tell me to go get it elsewhere because she couldn’t be bothered. If she’d have come to me and told me that she always had a fantasy of watching me with another woman or letting me fuck other woman and then tell her about it then I would have been VERY into it. But just telling me to go do it because she couldn’t be bothered hurts me more than I can tell you. And besides which I don’t know if she actually meant it or if it was just a throw away comment. As I said I’ve never been unfaithful but things have gotten so bad that I have actually seriously considered it the last few months. But I’m pretty sure that would be the end of our marriage. Obviously I miss fucking, but I miss intimacy with my wife more. I’m so lonely. As far as life at home for my daughter, it’s mostly fine. For the most part we just get on with life. As long as I’m not an asshole and actually get upset that I haven’t had sex for over half a decade, everything is fine. Although lately things have gotten a lot worse at home. Maybe because I’ve finally had enough. Anyway, thank you for your thoughtful response, it’s very much appreciated.
|
|
|
Post by kpslick on Feb 13, 2023 14:58:44 GMT -5
angeleyes65 hit some of the things I was going to comment. I would add you could add some toys to the foreplay. If she is willing, there are pumps and other male devices to help bring you to an orgasm. Perhaps using one or more of them prior to PIV to get you close. Then you may not last so long in her. I also have always taken a long time to ejaculate, except when I am in a womans backdoor. Usually, anal will do it for me after 10-15 minutes. Again, if she is willing to give it a try. If she is not willing to stimulate you more prior to PIV then cumming quickly probably isn't going to happen. I agree in that it might be time to talk with your W about opening up the marriage. Since it would remove her having to endure sex with you, she may be willing to accept a don't ask don't tell fwb for you. Can it hurt to have that discussion? Unfortunately none of these are an option. All tried long ago and all utterly hated by my wife. She even hates foreplay. I love it but she can’t stand it. Would rather I just get on and do it. Well, before she stopped it all together that is. Thanks for your response.
|
|
|
Post by heelots on Feb 13, 2023 18:55:15 GMT -5
You mentioned this yourself earlier, you are a roommate. If you plan on staying forget all thoughts of sex with your now roommate. The sooner you dismiss all sexual thoughts about your roommate the easier things will be as time goes by. That was what I did and for me it removed a lot of the day to day stress. That said, all of the resentment remains for essentially doing a bait and switch to marry me, then being a roommate for most of the last 25 years.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Feb 13, 2023 20:13:19 GMT -5
I've got nothing to offer you here in regard to the past history you describe Brother kpslick . Your narrative speaks for itself. Maybe it is time to get your focus off your missus and the past, and concentrate on you and your future. Again, and based solely on what you have divulged here, it looks like a train wreck in progress. It might be wise to consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction to theoretically explore how a divorce would shake out for you. And based on those facts start putting a theoretical exit strategy together. Shoring up your support network would be another thing to concentrate on, and researching everything you can find in regard to shepherding any minor children through such an event would be another. This is NOT a suggestion that you immediately charge off to the exit. It IS a suggestion that you construct yourself a a theoretical exit strategy as an alternative to remaining in your current situation. Anyone, in any marriage (be it 'made in heaven' or an ILIASM shithole) needs to have a plan for suddenly finding themself not married ... because ALL marriages end. Death or divorce see to that. Finally, there is hope in your future. The thing is, are you going to be available for a brighter future, or are you going to remain locked in to your somewhat sub optimal present ? Good luck to you as you work your way through these issues Brother kpslick . It is a hard road ahead of you.
|
|
|
Post by kpslick on Feb 14, 2023 0:03:22 GMT -5
I've got nothing to offer you here in regard to the past history you describe Brother kpslick . Your narrative speaks for itself. Maybe it is time to get your focus off your missus and the past, and concentrate on you and your future. Again, and based solely on what you have divulged here, it looks like a train wreck in progress. It might be wise to consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction to theoretically explore how a divorce would shake out for you. And based on those facts start putting a theoretical exit strategy together. Shoring up your support network would be another thing to concentrate on, and researching everything you can find in regard to shepherding any minor children through such an event would be another. This is NOT a suggestion that you immediately charge off to the exit. It IS a suggestion that you construct yourself a a theoretical exit strategy as an alternative to remaining in your current situation. Anyone, in any marriage (be it 'made in heaven' or an ILIASM shithole) needs to have a plan for suddenly finding themself not married ... because ALL marriages end. Death or divorce see to that. Finally, there is hope in your future. The thing is, are you going to be available for a brighter future, or are you going to remain locked in to your somewhat sub optimal present ? Good luck to you as you work your way through these issues Brother kpslick . It is a hard road ahead of you. Thank you baza for your kind words and thoughts. Definitely been thinking more of the future without my wife lately. Have already spoken to some friends who are family lawyers. Very sad for me but a reality that I have to deal with. Despite our problems, my wife and I have always been on the same page regarding the upbringing of our 8 year old daughter. We have always been a team in this regard and have both discussed our way forward should divorce happen. We will always back each other. There will be no bad mouthing of my wife to my daughter and my wife has promised the same which I whole heartedly believe. Anyway, thank you again brothers and sisters! You reallly give me hope.
|
|