|
|
Post by northstarmom on May 31, 2024 12:44:56 GMT -5
toughtiger: Sounds like she was the wrong therapist for you. Another therapist may give you the kind of support you want. It took me several therapists to find the right one for me but when I did I became the the type of person I'd always admired but never thought I could be.
|
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Jun 3, 2024 4:16:23 GMT -5
That what it really comes down to. We all have needs. We get married with expectations that those needs will be met, especially if those needs are being met at the beginning. If our partners are not willing to help meet those needs it really only leaves 3 options. Divorce, cheat, accept. I get that but i was asking for help to work on my reactions to petty stuff ........to make my civil roommate thing more bearable ........she seemed overwhelmed by the whole situation and just resorted to that advice .... i had hoped for more work on my outlook and defusing my anger/ hostility..... instead a prescription to go hook up .... NOt that that has not crossed my mind but i guess i expected more .... i am going to make travel plans if my online friend wants to meet IRL To be fair, this therapist did offer the outsource option. My wife's therapist was aghast that I'd proposed such a thing. Granted, my wife may not have mentioned the five-times-a-year part. While I was never uncivil to my wife, I was likely grouchy some of the time. So much of it dissipated as soon as I started solving my problem by setting up profiles on dating sites (OKcupid being the best for poly spouses, hands down) Done the lawyer thing yet? Made a will? (I would think a careful inventory of assets would help the lawyer out) Even if you outsource, being ready for Mr. ToughTiger to file in response will provide courage to proceed with necessary actions as well as, in itself, give you a sense of progress, of empowerment. The helplessness of being at the mercy of a refuser/denier was such a big part of it. Your therapist took the shortcut to the conventional wisdom, that you cannot change others, we can only change ourselves. The flood of oxytocin and dopamine may provide your brain the environment it needs to forge a strong alliance with your financial and logistics partner at home. |
|
|
|
Post by toughtiger on Jun 3, 2024 6:34:17 GMT -5
To be fair, this therapist did offer the outsource option. My wife's therapist was aghast that I'd proposed such a thing. Granted, my wife may not have mentioned the five-times-a-year part. While I was never uncivil to my wife, I was likely grouchy some of the time. So much of it dissipated as soon as I started solving my problem by setting up profiles on dating sites (OKcupid being the best for poly spouses, hands down) Done the lawyer thing yet? Made a will? (I would think a careful inventory of assets would help the lawyer out) Even if you outsource, being ready for Mr. ToughTiger to file in response will provide courage to proceed with necessary actions as well as, in itself, give you a sense of progress, of empowerment. The helplessness of being at the mercy of a refuser/denier was such a big part of it. Your therapist took the shortcut to the conventional wisdom, that you cannot change others, we can only change ourselves. The flood of oxytocin and dopamine may provide your brain the environment it needs to forge a strong alliance with your financial and logistics partner at home. i could work around the no sex and outsource on my own the anger and frustration is with his everyday crap. Had a big Talk again told him i was going to therapy and was done with his lack of doing anything and how mad i am about him deciding for us sex life was over.... The flow of lies and deflection was astounding ....... he started to tell me how i think and feel and i asked him how would he know at all how i felt he never listens. I know he cant get it up but he went on and on that me telling him..... i did not like things he did in bed just emasculates him and made him feel bad.. making it hard to maintain anything.... it was insane. he is a fool and he has no idea of our assets although i have a complete picture of them except one retirement account he has. |
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Jun 5, 2024 5:17:37 GMT -5
i could work around the no sex and outsource on my own the anger and frustration is with his everyday crap. Had a big Talk again told him i was going to therapy and was done with his lack of doing anything and how mad i am about him deciding for us sex life was over.... The flow of lies and deflection was astounding ....... he started to tell me how i think and feel and i asked him how would he know at all how i felt he never listens. I know he cant get it up but he went on and on that me telling him..... i did not like things he did in bed just emasculates him and made him feel bad.. making it hard to maintain anything.... it was insane. he is a fool and he has no idea of our assets although i have a complete picture of them except one retirement account he has. I've questioned the idea that bigger issues are always behind sexlessness, but it seems like it's the case with you. There can be reasons behind the refusal, but you seem to be the one with the complaints, the usual claim as an unusual dynamic. Given how upset you get, if there's no movement towards amicability, due to ack of effort or interest on his part, leaving seems to make sense. It sounds like you're planning your road map. Sorry to hear about the necessity, but it's difficult to find reasons to dissuade you, based on what you've passed along. Typically one could focus on the positives, but they are few and the drawbacks are loud in the background. I'm uncertain whether divorce is even anything he'll lose out on. Living with someone perpetually unhappy with you is not necessarily a better life; could be a win-win. When even an un innocuous, reliable roommate isn't on offer, you start grasping at straws. It's such a low bar, and yet.... |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 5, 2024 15:20:51 GMT -5
i could work around the no sex and outsource on my own the anger and frustration is with his everyday crap. Had a big Talk again told him i was going to therapy and was done with his lack of doing anything and how mad i am about him deciding for us sex life was over.... The flow of lies and deflection was astounding ....... he started to tell me how i think and feel and i asked him how would he know at all how i felt he never listens. I know he cant get it up but he went on and on that me telling him..... i did not like things he did in bed just emasculates him and made him feel bad.. making it hard to maintain anything.... it was insane. he is a fool and he has no idea of our assets although i have a complete picture of them except one retirement account he has. I've questioned the idea that bigger issues are always behind sexlessness, but it seems like it's the case with you. There can be reasons behind the refusal, but you seem to be the one with the complaints, the usual claim as an unusual dynamic. Given how upset you get, if there's no movement towards amicability, due to ack of effort or interest on his part, leaving seems to make sense. It sounds like you're planning your road map. Sorry to hear about the necessity, but it's difficult to find reasons to dissuade you, based on what you've passed along. Typically one could focus on the positives, but they are few and the drawbacks are loud in the background. I'm uncertain whether divorce is even anything he'll lose out on. Living with someone perpetually unhappy with you is not necessarily a better life; could be a win-win. When even an un innocuous, reliable roommate isn't on offer, you start grasping at straws. It's such a low bar, and yet.... |
|
|
|
Post by toughtiger on Jun 5, 2024 19:00:30 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by sundayblue0071 on Jun 21, 2024 22:00:41 GMT -5
Couples therapy can work, up to a point. Once you go beyond that point, then, what I've discovered, is that the only reason you want to continue with it is because you're trying to have a third party show your spouse that their thinking is wrong on the subject of sex within the context of marriage and you're trying to get that third person to show them the "light." I endured nearly a year of couples therapy and I definitely was burning out on it. My wife wants to start it up again. Oy.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 22, 2024 21:31:33 GMT -5
I think that for couples therapy to work then YOU need to bring the best version of you to the table and your spouse needs to bring the best version of themselves to the table too. And the counsellor needs to be top-notch as well.
If you, your spouse, or the counsellor aren't bringing much to the table then you ain't going to get much of a result.
|
|
|
|
Post by toughtiger on Jun 30, 2024 23:22:30 GMT -5
I think that for couples therapy to work then YOU need to bring the best version of you to the table and your spouse needs to bring the best version of themselves to the table too. And the counsellor needs to be top-notch as well. If you, your spouse, or the counsellor aren't bringing much to the table then you ain't going to get much of a result. I agree but if my spouse will never show ME the best version of himself why would he for a third party? he only tells truth when cornered like the FBI only asking questions i know the answer to so lies are evident. i told spouse i saw now 2 therapists .... both who in the end suggested i leave........ he is now freaking out but still not into counseling ..... i personally think he should seek individual help. ... |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jul 1, 2024 2:38:17 GMT -5
Given what you've written here and elsewhere, it seems quite possible that your spouse is giving it 100%, doing his level best. But perhaps his 100%, his best, is simply innsufficient for the situation he's in. That is to say he hasn't got the tools or the aptitude to contribute much to the resolution of the situation. It is probably going to come back on you to act unilaterally Sister toughtiger . |
|
|
|
Post by toughtiger on Jul 4, 2024 22:54:15 GMT -5
Given what you've written here and elsewhere, it seems quite possible that your spouse is giving it 100%, doing his level best. But perhaps his 100%, his best, is simply innsufficient for the situation he's in. That is to say he hasn't got the tools or the aptitude to contribute much to the resolution of the situation. It is probably going to come back on you to act unilaterally Sister toughtiger . This gave me insight ... and now i see somethings i can do .. i will no longer play the back and forth game of disappointment ........but instead deal on a different level... instead of assuming he "forgets" or is purposefully pissing me off.......instead I calm down ....... then i tell him " I see this is the BEST you can do .........no matter how disappointed I am...... i feel sorry this is your best effort" i feel better afterwards .........and he has had to re-evaluate and now effort shows up ...... it was freeing |
|
|
|
Post by lonelyhubby on Jul 5, 2024 9:00:25 GMT -5
Couples therapy can work, up to a point. Once you go beyond that point, then, what I've discovered, is that the only reason you want to continue with it is because you're trying to have a third party show your spouse that their thinking is wrong on the subject of sex within the context of marriage and you're trying to get that third person to show them the "light." I endured nearly a year of couples therapy and I definitely was burning out on it. My wife wants to start it up again. Oy. Exactly - currently burning through month 6 of marriage / sex therapy and still no kissing or sexual anything. She admits the issue is her own anxiety, self image and issues preventing her from connecting with her sexuality. But, that does nothing to address or fix the issue so we can re-engage in regular physical affection and sex. It's a lot of talk, but I see little progress. The therapist says this will take time, but I am reaching the point to start saying out loud - WHY are we simply wasting our time talking, talking, talking and nothing is being done. You may want to consider asking your spouse WHY she wants to start therapy again - what's the point? |
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Jul 9, 2024 4:25:52 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by emily129 on Jul 29, 2024 17:11:35 GMT -5
I understand how difficult it can be to navigate marriage challenges. Finding Marriage Counseling near me in Georgia made a huge difference for my partner and me. The local professionals provided us with valuable tools and strategies to improve our communication and rebuild our connection. If you're facing similar issues, I highly recommend seeking out a local counselor. It can truly transform your relationship and bring you closer together. |
|
m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
|
Post by m76 on Jul 29, 2024 17:56:03 GMT -5
I understand how difficult it can be to navigate marriage challenges. Finding Marriage Counseling near me in Georgia made a huge difference for my partner and me. The local professionals provided us with valuable tools and strategies to improve our communication and rebuild our connection. If you're facing similar issues, I highly recommend seeking out a local counselor. It can truly transform your relationship and bring you closer together. There's no tools or strategies available when one person says they do not ever want to have sex again while the other partner is left craving physical intimacy. |
|
