sex is not about sex

I cannot agree more.....
i lost all those........... and they would not return even if his ability to do so returned.
He will never understand that but i have no respect or connection anymore and most likely never will and i will never love him in any way but a friend.

It is always great to have friends BUT i expected a partner ....a lover .... 

someone to hold me and comfort and emotional support etc.... want someone to hold hands... to kiss me and mean it .......to cuddle and want to take a peek if i am changing clothes etc....  he is no longer any of that. 
We barely talk anymore ....never said one word to me this morning... in evening he will say thanks for dinner and nothing else ........puts TV on things he likes .......i leave the room and he says a am a B for not trying to spend time ..... watching bad TV and him playing video games at same time ..... seriously like who blames me for going finding anything else to do? 

looked up on our insurance a therapist that does couples counseling i know last box to check of we tried that.... cannot seem to get a call back. 

Anniversary is Saturday and i am NOT bringing it up he never remembers so i am not even doing a "do you want to go out it is this day" reminder.......... and  then watch  him scrambling to see what BS  / JUNK thing he can find on Amazon with quickest delivery.    No thought / no feeling just fake " OH I thought you would like this" 
Someone asked me was it always like this ... i saw when we did have sex and when it was good  ..................i could look over the small things now they are all there glaring at me 

his new cardiologist wants him to have a procedure that by researching seems very effective and would eliminate some of his medications namely the one that killed any chance of an erection. i wondered if this was new talked to a nurse friend who said nope been around and was surprised no one else offered this option to hubby.... i keep asking when is this happening ?... what does he look forward to IF it work well?.... he said walking the dog .... seriously not sex not anything with me....... but  playing with the dog. 

I want those things so bad.  I’d love it if my wife would kiss me and mean it, turn over and initiate by rubbing me, or even just talking a little dirty to me. I’ve asked for those things and she acts like it’s a chore. I told her it that it hurts that she doesn’t find me sexually desirable.  

He needs his phone to remind him of his anniversary? Wtf

medium.com/hello-love/were-just-roommates-and-other-lies-7926c2e588f7

“We’re Just Roommates” and Other Lies
When a dead bedroom isn’t all of your marriage.
MonalisaSmiled

The “we’re just roommates” scenario.

I’ve heard it countless times in this “lifestyle.”

Is my husband of 23 years just a roommate? Yes, he is. And, no, he isn’t.

He’s a dad I could respect. A man who plans for retirement. A shoulder I can lean on. A guy who I’ve always felt safe with. Someone who wants to see me succeed.

He’s more than a lack of dick.

Yet, if I love him so much, why do I cheat?
Because I’d like to have it all. Sex, warmth, love, caring. But, unfortunately, I have the sex and affection part 99% missing at home — so I step out.

But marriage is so much more than sex. Right?
Reducing marriage to whether or not you get laid seems pretty heartless. And, I’m damn near close to cruel, lest you forget I write about adultery every day.

I’ll argue that my husband is more than a roommate even though we never fuck. He and I are a team. We are committed to each other in a way a “roommate” or friend might never be.

Except, after ten years of a dead bedroom, I’m well aware of our entrenched “roommate” status.

Yet, is sex the only thing that matters? Or without sex, is everything else meaningless?

No, sex is not THE most essential part of a marriage. But it is a crucial part of it.
One of my lovers complained. “My roomie doesn’t want me.” He gets perfunctory-duty sex every month or so. “No kissing, no foreplay…later, I pushed for more and was rebuffed,” he laments.

His wife is smart, successful, and driven. She makes the money in their union. She seems like a good provider in the way my hubby is. He’s happiest when he’s got his financial goals in place. Everything else takes a back seat.

So is this the classic “everything is good, except the sex” marriage? Or is it more?
My lover’s wife pushes her husband away again and again. Years of therapy haven’t helped “fix” their marriage.

“We are arguing less only because now I am cheating, lol.”
“That’s the way it is,” I laughed. “Same for me. I find myself much happier and less likely to give a shit. Those orgasms work!”

When is it time to accept what you have at home?

A close partnership that doesn’t have thrills and lust.

And how exactly do you reconcile living a passionless life?

When does that not become enough anymore? When do you fantasize about starting anew? Is being “only” roommates sustainable? So many questions that can’t be answered.

Staying together for the sake of “appearances” only.

I did it for years.

Co-habitation. Clean and cold. Not a warm glance even. Shrinking into walls to avoid touching in your hallways. I wasn’t able to sustain it. Eventually, even I, oh-jaded adulteress extraordinaire, wanted more.

I didn’t want to live like two people stuck in a coma.
“We gotta live…the next ten. Make them count,” my guy says. The way he emphasizes the live and count. Yeah, we can’t count on life, lol. “Next day, we could be gone!”

And he has a point, of course.

The “life is short” routine. We’ve all heard it and said it.

IT IS. SHORT.

Yet, is being roommates sustainable?
Or is it more? A valuable marriage with decades under your belt. Years of ups and downs with so much history together. How can you throw it all away for sex? You can’t even imagine walking away for good.

Pulling the plug is impossible.

It’s “fine.” Good enough to get by. What you have is a better option than what you don’t know.

You rationalize, “No one’s marriage is perfect.”
And “I’ll never find better.”

I was here for a long time. “Reasoning” my way through years of unhappiness. What I finally realized was that I was cheating on myself. Not just on my hubby.

I don’t want to tiptoe through life and arrive at death.
That’s the thing.

Or is one person’s “fine” marriage another person’s “bad enough” to divorce?
.
And then we are back to: “We’re just roommates” and other lies

If my now X would  have been accepting of a FWB for me I might well still be married to her. She was a good housemate. Great at keeping the place clean, helping with maintenance when I needed it. Very good at planning and organizing vacations or other travel. But as a lover,...not so much. I still do not understand why she would rather be divorced and live alone than just looking in the other direction so I could still enjoy intimacy with a woman. Cost her nothing. Makes no sense to me. 

It is a double-edged sword, for sure… on one hand, it can take the edge off a bad marriage and make it much more tolerable - good if you’re planning to stay, bad if the plan was to leave. Sadly, your spouse is likely to be suspicious because you’re suddenly happier.

At the same time, you might find that being desired by another makes you feel alive in a way you’d forgotten was possible. It can validate that you’re worthy of affection and a better relationship, and make you pissed off that you’ve been treated poorly for so long and tolerated it.

Or so I hear…

DC