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Post by toughtiger on Apr 9, 2024 20:35:04 GMT -5
he was the captive in this scenario i was just glad he had to listen.... i do not kid myself things will be fixed but i want him to know not play he had no idea etc....
i do wonder what his issue is IF fake hugging me ( he thinks this counts as intimacy ) especially lately he keeps his lower body away from me.... wonder if his little buddy has regained some ability to not play dead .... and he does not want me to know.
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 10, 2024 0:45:15 GMT -5
Don't read too much into that crappy leaning hug, toughtiger, but do read it. I sincerely doubt he is trying to hide his excitement because, if he was excited, that would indicate he had some level of sexual interest. My bet is he's trying to appear intimate while remaining completely avoidant. I wish refusers could just be more honest with themselves and us. It would save so much valuable time.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 10, 2024 6:40:52 GMT -5
he was the captive in this scenario i was just glad he had to listen.... i do not kid myself things will be fixed but i want him to know not play he had no idea etc....
Getting your side told to your avoiding partner is a good step forward. But in the spectrum of 'communication' it's worthless when speaking to a avoidant, manipulative controller.
In one ear and out the other.
It's like scattering seeds. Some will land on rocks ,some will land on fertile soil. You're dealing with a rock, instead use this as a step forward as an exercise in "communicating your needs,setting boundaries".
PLANT seeds in fertile soil, with others that will mentor you, and help you grow. Plant seeds with others that value and appreciate all that you have to offer.
What matters is their actions. Their needs to be consequences for their avoidance. Repercussions for their actions,or lack of.
Sadly that burden is now even more on you to implement ., ( like raising a child) The good news is that further down the road ( long term) you will reap the fruit of your labor!!
A good way to look at a relationship, ( now and in the future) is to verbally ask your partner "what do you bring to the table?"
Tell them all that you bring to the table ,and tell them how they return nothing but pain and sorrow, and as long as all they continue to think is " I am the table", that will get you to take your things that you offer to someone who will give back in return. That's healthy and not selfish at all.
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Post by lonelyhubby on Apr 10, 2024 6:49:04 GMT -5
Yeah - every time I try and communicate my needs in relationship - I get called a Cluster B / Narcissist as a means of invalidating my need for physical affection and sex - while trying to put me me on the defensive. I simply disagree and disregard her commentary - Next Therapy session is going to be interesting. Hard to grow anything on a rock.
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 10, 2024 7:03:54 GMT -5
Terms to research and use in the next therapy session should include "gaslighting", "DARVO", and "projection". I'm sorry to see you going through this.
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 11, 2024 5:42:54 GMT -5
Yeah - every time I try and communicate my needs in relationship - I get called a Cluster B / Narcissist as a means of invalidating my need for physical affection and sex - while trying to put me me on the defensive. I simply disagree and disregard her commentary - Next Therapy session is going to be interesting. Hard to grow anything on a rock. Had to look that up. www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-are-cluster-b-personality-disordersALL narcissists are cluster B. Kind of a tautology. Trying to use jargon as a cloak of expertise? So you have two therapists now, it seems. It may be useful for your couples counselor to know this accusation has been levied. Your wife has essentially identified you as mentally ill, a useful tool when it comes to absolving herself of a need to change. (why should the healthy spouse fit their behavior to the damaged loon?) Perhaps she can be more specific with the couples counselor and there are behaviors that can be addressed. www.couplestherapyinc.com/the-signs-of-a-covert-narcissist-husband/If such behavior is in play, it can be useful to know it for this relationship, or the next. Or, she doesn't actually believe it and she's weaponizing psychiatry, hoping you'll get defensive and prove you aren't a narcissist by dropping your ordinary desires for adult companionship. If she is doing that, and aware of it, we gots us some gaslighting, making the victim doubt their own sanity. Or she';s flailing about wildly, knowing her celibacy isn't acceptable in a functional marriage and she's acting out of desperation, not malice; little understanding her motivations.
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Post by toughtiger on Apr 11, 2024 7:40:32 GMT -5
I think mirrororchid is spot on perhaps the counselor can hear your wife's expertise in diagnosis. I think the labeling and calling names is the last resort of someone who has no defense of her actions or is refusing to be honest
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 11, 2024 9:01:28 GMT -5
I think mirrororchid is spot on perhaps the counselor can hear your wife's expertise in diagnosis. I think the labeling and calling names is the last resort of someone who has no defense of her actions or is refusing to be honest labeling- = DARVO. I've been forced to read hundreds of short columns on Narcissism,and a few books, watched many videos, to the point where I've taken a long break from it, and consider myself prepared and educated to avoid another narc. in the future. I remember that one thing a narc is guilty of is accusing and convincing their victims of being the Narcissist ( more of their denial). Also if you've already been a victim of a narcissist you are already a very giving, caring, person, who gives out empathy easily. The Narc. knows that and will easily try to brainwash you by playing the victim,and pointing all fingers at you. What's that old saying? ( every-time you point a finger at someone their's 3 pointing back at you! _ take that! You narcissist!) Another reason why the number of people who are diagnosed as a Narcissist is so low is because it's next to impossible to get a narcissist to go to counselling and honestly take the exam to be diagnosed properly. They think they can out talk the councilor, and sadly many of them do! Then their's the whole psychology field that has become overtaken (mostly by women) who are narcissistic themselves, or have no clue, in all their supposed studies and knowledge from college, of what narcissism is or how to diagnose a narcissist! One of my best sources is www.amazon.com/Say-Goodbye-Crazy-Restore-Sanity-ebook/dp/B014W0587S and shrink4men.com/
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