A year or so ago, I just popped my head in and left the forum abruptly after only 1 or 2 posts. Since then, a lot has happened and I’m struggling coping with it alone.
Just a little recap of my situation: I'm 36, he's 48. We've been married for 10 years, sexless (zero per year) for more than 6 years. We have two kids, and we both work full time, me doing physical labor for a living. The H has some mental health issues, isolating himself from any social event, even family programs.
He finally decided to seek medical help and it turns out he's severely ODC (explains the controlling behavior), and diabetic (Type 2). Now he gets medical treatment for both, but nothing has changed in our relationship. He still spends his time alone, sometimes not even coming out of the bedroom for a whole day. By now I do everything around the house, the car and even the kids. I work on most weekends and the kids basically fend for themselves because their dad doesn't move a finger. If I can't get home in time for their soccer practice, well, then they won't go because dad can't get out of bed... I'm fed up with all of this, but I don't want to argue, so I just do all the things I can for the kids' sake.
The resentment is huge. He says a man's duty is to provide for his family, and he does great in that field, but we'd discussed it several times when the kids were born that he's going to support me when I get back to work again. Now he claims he never said those words.
Considering all the above, no changes in the SM situation. Now I reached a point where I find even the thought of being intimate with him too awkward. He initiated once last year, grabbing me down there and asking if I wanted to... like that's the height of passion and I should be all moaning and ready for it... I was totally knackered from work, so I declined and went to bed.
My patience reached the limit earlier this year right on my birthday. I came home from work expecting nothing. I was surprised to find a bouquet on the dining table, and he quickly said he would never buy such things to me - turns out it was from my MIL. Then we went to his favorite restaurant, cause according to him I didn't have a place I liked (I've been telling him about a new place I wanted to try). The way back home, he was all about some chores I forgot to do and was belittling me all night. The kids gave me drawings and letters and I was over the moon, until the H commented on how I could be so happy about getting older, I’m not a child anymore, there's no fun in birthdays... I don't remember the last time he said something nice to me, but this still wrecked me. Ten years into this fricking marriage and this is what I get.
I did consider outsourcing as an option before. So, the next morning, still pissed, I signed up to a dating app in an impulse. I responded to a few messages that seemed nice and ended up going on a date with one guy who’s also in a SM. He was honest and frank about his situation and what he was looking for from the get-go. We had five dates altogether. It wasn’t as difficult to manage as I thought: I have my days off on the weekdays when nobody else is at home. He works from home, sometimes going out to meet clients, and he used that as an excuse when we met. I took every precaution, not giving out anything personal, no exchange of phone numbers, no Facebook, just a free messaging app. We only knew each other’s first name, although I used a fake one. I found that helped me detach myself emotionally from what I was doing. Just being called on a different name made me feel less guilty. The affair ended as quickly as it started, due to him having other stuff piling up and he needs to concentrate on those . I don’t know if I’ll ever hear from him. He promised to write when he’s able to meet again, but I don’t want to be hopeful for nothing. I said my farewell, thanked him for everything. He really made me feel good about myself again. I felt loved, appreciated and desirable. He’s not my type but won me over with his kindness and politeness, and all the great sex we had. I’m going to miss our dates, and I’m still grieving the end of it. He really gave back my self-esteem and showed me that I still have a chance for a better love life. (I know it sounds stupid, but I constantly hear from my H that a woman over 30 is ‘old’...)
So that’s where I am now.
I don’t want to go back to this SM again, I want to get out of it, and I’m going to work on it. Last time I said I wanted to stay for the kids – that's bullshit! I was just too afraid to face my situation and too lazy to work on it. I live in a foreign country, so I contacted an attorney who has experience with foreigners, to get an idea of the outcomes of a possible divorce for me. It’s not so bad as I thought, but I have lots of work to do.