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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2016 3:55:04 GMT -5
Rom cons are by definition funny so they usually have happy endings. "that sort of thing" is just the complications that can arise. They may turn out good or bad. Now I have to find a movie where it goes to hell LOL. Yes, you do, Young Padawan. Ah hah...Brokeback Mountain. 🎭
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2016 3:56:45 GMT -5
Yes, you do, Young Padawan. Ah hah...Brokeback Mountain. 🎭 Brokeback Mountain is so NOT a romantic comedy, hon. Try again.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 27, 2016 4:08:50 GMT -5
Good luck in your counselling sesh adventura. let it aaaaallllll out xxx
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2016 4:11:57 GMT -5
Ah hah...Brokeback Mountain. 🎭 Brokeback Mountain is so NOT a romantic comedy, hon. Try again. War of the Roses. They started out as friends then became lovers. Light saber please. Edit: Thanks for the tip, my dear platonic one out there. I'd also like to thank the Academy...
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2016 4:21:19 GMT -5
Brokeback Mountain is so NOT a romantic comedy, hon. Try again. War of the Roses. They started out as friends then became lovers. Light saber please. Edit: Thanks for the tip, my dear platonic one out there. I'd also like to thank the Academy... WOTR is a dark comedy without a "meet cute," which is a key component of romantic comedies. So, no, but thanks for playing. I should probably disclose that I have worked in the rom-com field on/off for 15 years. *done hijacking another thread.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2016 6:03:50 GMT -5
I agree, this IS exciting Adventura! And I vote for option B - tell the truth. Start out up front. Set the tone for your relationship. The only little tag line I would add to option B is "and see where it takes us." Because otherwise, the poor sap might decide you're not interested after all. It's subtle enough not to be a commitment, but forthright enough to let him know you're not ruling out a good shagging with him, one day anyway. Enjoy yourself girl!!
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Post by adventura on Jun 27, 2016 6:12:59 GMT -5
The reason why you "think" you are "IN" a relationship is most probably your way of dealing with some deep psychological issues you might have which definitely need to be properly addressed...! From my point of view, i.e. an outsider, therefore seemingly more rational: you are "with" someone with whom you are not married, there are not many things that bind you two together, you "stay" because he's unemployed, sick, and you "think" you are responsible for his "well-being"... You crave intimacy and to feel loved, you are clearly unhappy with this situation and yet, here you are! Maybe you can't "see" it, but there's some serious flaw in this kind of thinking, and you must at first really address your own issues, "BEFORE" dragging someone else into an emotional mess. I understand that you want to feel "wanted" and I honestly believe that you deserve to be "loved" and "wanted", but it is not fair to experience this at the expense of someone else who might get hurt. I get this, although I disagree. I'm pretty introspective, keep a journal, and I'm not afraid to ask myself tough questions about my motives, so I'm prepared to do so again. But sheesh, if my five previous years of therapy didn't get to the bottom of whatever this "thing" is, what will? One member's signature says something like, "'Why' doesn't matter. No, really." I'm not sure the why matters all that much here. I can give you lots of reasons why I've stayed, but I'm not sure they're THE reason. Maybe there is no THE reason; maybe just the weight of all the small reasons just tipped from 51 to 49%. I guess I'll find out starting today.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 27, 2016 7:07:13 GMT -5
The reason why you "think" you are "IN" a relationship is most probably your way of dealing with some deep psychological issues you might have which definitely need to be properly addressed...! From my point of view, i.e. an outsider, therefore seemingly more rational: you are "with" someone with whom you are not married, there are not many things that bind you two together, you "stay" because he's unemployed, sick, and you "think" you are responsible for his "well-being"... You crave intimacy and to feel loved, you are clearly unhappy with this situation and yet, here you are! Maybe you can't "see" it, but there's some serious flaw in this kind of thinking, and you must at first really address your own issues, "BEFORE" dragging someone else into an emotional mess. I understand that you want to feel "wanted" and I honestly believe that you deserve to be "loved" and "wanted", but it is not fair to experience this at the expense of someone else who might get hurt. I get this, although I disagree. I'm pretty introspective, keep a journal, and I'm not afraid to ask myself tough questions about my motives, so I'm prepared to do so again. But sheesh, if my five previous years of therapy didn't get to the bottom of whatever this "thing" is, what will? One member's signature says something like, "'Why' doesn't matter. No, really." I'm not sure the why matters all that much here. I can give you lots of reasons why I've stayed, but I'm not sure they're THE reason. Maybe there is no THE reason; maybe just the weight of all the small reasons just tipped from 51 to 49%. I guess I'll find out starting today. Sometimes "therapy" has you walking away with more questions than answers. deep questions designed for only you to answer over long periods of time and tribulation. then you meet someone who gives you straight,blunt opinionated answers. (straight from the hip,with experience) and your left standing there thinking, "that's so true, I like that!" Time to put away all those "maybe"s" and "just do it"! The truth shall set you free . be tactfully honest, and continue to press forward.
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Post by Dan on Jun 28, 2016 7:57:21 GMT -5
We've been emailing back and forth a couple times a week and I'll be seeing him at another group meetup next month. WTF do I say if he asks for my phone number? - I could just keep my mouth shut, give it to him, and let the train ride.
- I could say, "I'm in the process of a difficult breakup and am not ready to date anyone but I'd love to hang out and be friends with you."
- I could say, "I can't go out with you now, but I'm attracted to you. How about if I get in touch later this year?"
I think I'm with the majority here suggestion some version of "option B" is best. I will tell you my perspective as a GUY what I'd like to hear. First, be honest with yourself about what you are looking for now. But: allow yourself to refine/sculpt what you want as you go. "No outsourcing" sounds like a pretty definite stance... but I assure you there are LOTS of grey lines even in that. You might be working out which parts of the gray area you will tread as your friendship develops. (For example: no sex... but what about sexting and erotic emails? Does that "cross your line" with regards to "no outsourcing"? You may have a starting position on such things... but they may change over time.) Then be honest with him about it as the time is right. No need to blurt out what you will and won't be doing with him a month from now (with him) if the topic hasn't even come up. For example, maybe he is the kind of guy who expected to email someone for six months anyways before expecting physical intimacy... who knows? Just a quick note from a guy's point of view about why option C is particularly bad: if there was a woman I already knew/liked/trusted (because we've already formed a friendship for a few months) and I wanted to take the next step, I could possibly handle the "I'm attracted to you, but my life is complicated now; let's consider a next step in a few months." Especially if I know her life well enough and agree "it's complicated". But for a BRAND NEW FRIENDSHIP, I think that is a serious kick in the stomach that few men will be able to deal with. You are expressly parking him in the "friend zone", with an "I.O.U." of sorts for possible future "more than just friends" thing. What is he supposed to do? Wait... and risk looking like a jerk if you hang him out to dry because you find someone better? Keep looking... and risk looking like a jerk if he finds someone else to pursue things now with? Imagine you tell I guy: "I think I like you a lot. But at the moment you are my second choice. Let me see if I can work it out with some other guy I like better; and if that doesn't work out, trust me, you're next on my list!" While option C is NOT saying this (as you are not suggesting that your current relationship is going to work), I think a typical guy's reaction will be the same. I don't think a friendship that is not yet established can readily weather "put it on ice" with a "potential thaw in the future". Instead, you have to put the new friendship on a low-simmer... and see what flavors develop. If he is a man with an actual adult brain, and he CAN interact with you given an ACCURATE picture of your current real life, and he shows you compassion and friendship and can respect your limits until you are ready to change them... well then, he might be a really good guy. So, my advice: yes: it is time to share email addresses. It is OK to get to know someone -- even as a "potential special friend" -- as you are winding down your current relationship.
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Post by adventura on Jun 28, 2016 9:18:23 GMT -5
I will tell you my perspective as a GUY what I'd like to hear. But for a BRAND NEW FRIENDSHIP, I think that is a serious kick in the stomach that few men will be able to deal with. You are expressly parking him in the "friend zone", with an "I.O.U." of sorts for possible future "more than just friends" thing. What is he supposed to do? Wait... and risk looking like a jerk if you hang him out to dry because you find someone better? Keep looking... and risk looking like a jerk if he finds someone else to pursue things now with? Thank you for the guy perspective - it's one of the things I was looking for when I posted this. (hope that emoji wasn't too forward!) Yes, the dreaded "friend zone" - I've been parked there myself (and ended up being the outsourcee). It's not very flattering. The consensus seems to be Option B with strategic honesty as I wind down my current relationship. I like it.
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Post by adventura on Jun 28, 2016 9:39:56 GMT -5
Quick update on counseling yesterday. It was very positive but still touched on some of the hot issues surrounding my current relationship.
Counselor doesn't think I have any deep-seated psychological problems that make me radioactive for something new, but I knew that already.
One thing I probably didn't make clear in my posts here is that for our first six years together, my partner was a lot of fun except for the sex and I was getting some pretty great things out of our relationship. Sure, the lack of sex is a big problem, but most of us here have put in some years trying to rev things up before giving up, especially if partner makes noises like, "I want to please you, this is important to me, etc." but doesn't follow through.
He was making great money until he lost his job, and the first six years were full of travel to places I'd never been before, including multiple trips to New York City. Long, intimate conversations over Italian food and red wine. Emails back and forth - most guys don't like to write letters. He's an amazing cook and a great conversation partner - those two things are what I'll miss most. Counselor says staying friends isn't a bad idea under these circumstances although a cooling off period might be necessary.
I think once we decide to leave someone, we have to forget about the good times (for a while) so we can get clear on our decision. But I was mistaken in portraying him in this forum as only bad. If it was nothing but bad, leaving would be an easy decision.
His other problems came later and were definitely a frog in the pot scenario for me. Nonstop uproar plus I have aging parents with medical issues. I was so busy running around taking care of other people that there was no time to stop and say WTF is going on here? Also, I borrowed a large sum of money from him while he was still working and only paid it back this year. You don't have to be married or living together to become financially entangled.
Counselor said there are some specific emotional barriers to leaving someone with medical and mental problems. She did ask me if I felt I have the right to end this relationship and seek something that will make me happier. I said logically I'm certain of it but emotionally I feel blocked. She talked a lot at the end about the role that fear plays in keeping us stuck, and the first step is acknowledging that it's fear and not some other more socially acceptable emotion.
I like what's happening to me. The emotions are uncomfortable but I no longer feel like my head is about to explode like the people in that Scanners movie.
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Post by Pinkberry on Jun 28, 2016 9:58:12 GMT -5
Don't think about what you will say on July 16th until you practice the following and say it to your...bf. Is it bf? No matter.
"There is something that has been nagging at me that we have needed to talk about it and it's time. We've been nothing more than friends for a long time. I am ready to start dating other people and wanted to be sure that I made it clear to you how I feel. Don't take this to mean we aren't friends anymore. We are. At the same time, anyone new that I date will understandably have concerns with the level of financial support I provide to you, as will I as our relationship transitions. Thus, I think this honest discussion should include brainstorming ways for you to be financially independent as soon as possible. This is the date on which I will no longer feel comfortable offering support, _______."
This is honest, respectful, and frees you up by July 16th. I think it unlikely for new guy to delve into your financial records at a group meetup. It is none of his business at this point anyway, and neither the the exact date or your recent breakup.
Oh, and don't wait for new guy to ask for your number. Go to the meetup, flirt, have a wonderful time, and then hand him your card/sticky note and tell him that you'd love to see him again, in the group or at a smaller gathering. He will not only get the hint, but (normal) men love a little bit of aggression in their women.
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Post by adventura on Jun 28, 2016 10:17:40 GMT -5
Don't think about what you will say on July 16th until you practice the following and say it to your...bf. Is it bf? No matter. "There is something that has been nagging at me that we have needed to talk about it and it's time. We've been nothing more than friends for a long time. I am ready to start dating other people and wanted to be sure that I made it clear to you how I feel. Don't take this to mean we aren't friends anymore. We are. At the same time, anyone new that I date will understandably have concerns with the level of financial support I provide to you, as will I as our relationship transitions. Thus, I think this honest discussion should include brainstorming ways for you to be financially independent as soon as possible. This is the date on which I will no longer feel comfortable offering support, _______." This is honest, respectful, and frees you up by July 16th. I think it unlikely for new guy to delve into your financial records at a group meetup. It is none of his business at this point anyway, and neither the the exact date or your recent breakup. Oh, and don't wait for new guy to ask for your number. Go to the meetup, flirt, have a wonderful time, and then hand him your card/sticky note and tell him that you'd love to see him again, in the group or at a smaller gathering. He will not only get the hint, but (normal) men love a little bit of aggression in their women. That was YOUR sig line I liked so much!! I'd like to pull off the split by the 16th. Definitely the cleanest option. Also, being with BF on the weekends is becoming very uncomfortable. I totally agree about handing New Guy one of my cards. He's already handed me his, so it would be rude not to.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2016 23:16:09 GMT -5
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Post by Pinkberry on Jun 28, 2016 23:38:29 GMT -5
Don't think about what you will say on July 16th until you practice the following and say it to your...bf. Is it bf? No matter. "There is something that has been nagging at me that we have needed to talk about it and it's time. We've been nothing more than friends for a long time. I am ready to start dating other people and wanted to be sure that I made it clear to you how I feel. Don't take this to mean we aren't friends anymore. We are. At the same time, anyone new that I date will understandably have concerns with the level of financial support I provide to you, as will I as our relationship transitions. Thus, I think this honest discussion should include brainstorming ways for you to be financially independent as soon as possible. This is the date on which I will no longer feel comfortable offering support, _______." This is honest, respectful, and frees you up by July 16th. I think it unlikely for new guy to delve into your financial records at a group meetup. It is none of his business at this point anyway, and neither the the exact date or your recent breakup. Oh, and don't wait for new guy to ask for your number. Go to the meetup, flirt, have a wonderful time, and then hand him your card/sticky note and tell him that you'd love to see him again, in the group or at a smaller gathering. He will not only get the hint, but (normal) men love a little bit of aggression in their women. That was YOUR sig line I liked so much!! I'd like to pull off the split by the 16th. Definitely the cleanest option. Also, being with BF on the weekends is becoming very uncomfortable. I totally agree about handing New Guy one of my cards. He's already handed me his, so it would be rude not to. You don't have to pull it off. You don't live with him. Pull the trigger. He will recover. He will. And you need to jump the new guy ASAP. He gave you his card for a reason! Forget any feelings over outsourcing. You are capable of ending what isn't working and just moving directly to sourcing. :-D
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