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Post by unmatched on Jul 1, 2016 15:57:53 GMT -5
unmatched, the problem is when one spouse unilaterally changes the rules without comprimising with the other spouse so needs can still be met. Hate cleaning? Fine, make enough $ to hire to maid to do your share Hate sex? Allow your spouse to find it with someone who enjoys it, without forcing a divorce if it's not otherwise wanted I totally agree. You can't blame your partner of they don't want to have sex with you any more. If that is how it is then that is how it is. But equally they can't expect you to be ok with it. |
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Post by angryspartan on Jul 1, 2016 16:32:08 GMT -5
Trying to picture that one, angryspartan. Having fun with it!  I'm a fan of it. Allows for a slow, controlled...well you get it the idea. |
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Post by LITW on Jul 15, 2016 11:05:52 GMT -5
unmatched , the problem is when one spouse unilaterally changes the rules without comprimising with the other spouse so needs can still be met. Hate cleaning? Fine, make enough $ to hire to maid to do your share Hate sex? Allow your spouse to find it with someone who enjoys it, without forcing a divorce if it's not otherwise wanted I totally agree. You can't blame your partner of they don't want to have sex with you any more. If that is how it is then that is how it is. But equally they can't expect you to be ok with it. The more I think about it, the more I think this solution would be optimal from my perspective--since I am in an "everything's great but the sex" marriage--but my wife would never go for it. Sex has always been on her terms only since we got married. I am NOT ok with that, but I have no way of expressing that to her in a way that does not end up with her in tears. Why does something that is supposed to create so much happiness in a marriage create so much strife? |
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 15, 2016 11:17:25 GMT -5
I totally agree. You can't blame your partner of they don't want to have sex with you any more. If that is how it is then that is how it is. But equally they can't expect you to be ok with it. The more I think about it, the more I think this solution would be optimal from my perspective--since I am in an "everything's great but the sex" marriage--but my wife would never go for it. Sex has always been on her terms only since we got married. I am NOT ok with that, but I have no way of expressing that to her in a way that does not end up with her in tears. Why does something that is supposed to create so much happiness in a marriage create so much strife? I did end up forwarding W the article. It's at least generating some conversation. Hearing it from an impartial party gives it a little more weight and time to digest the info. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 15, 2016 13:01:24 GMT -5
I totally agree. You can't blame your partner of they don't want to have sex with you any more. If that is how it is then that is how it is. But equally they can't expect you to be ok with it. The more I think about it, the more I think this solution would be optimal from my perspective--since I am in an "everything's great but the sex" marriage--but my wife would never go for it. Sex has always been on her terms only since we got married. I am NOT ok with that, but I have no way of expressing that to her in a way that does not end up with her in tears. Why does something that is supposed to create so much happiness in a marriage create so much strife? Friend sex does create happiness, relaxation, self esteem, bonding, trust, intimacy, all those things! Tears can can be used as a manipulative controlling device, to avoid, postpone, or delay the issues your wife has with dealing with her self. As long as you continue to play into her hand, and sweep it under the rug, there is no more strife for her, while yours continues to build, your self esteem, self worth and masculinity continue to wither. As bazz says ,"you have a choice." |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 15, 2016 13:04:13 GMT -5
The more I think about it, the more I think this solution would be optimal from my perspective--since I am in an "everything's great but the sex" marriage--but my wife would never go for it. Sex has always been on her terms only since we got married. I am NOT ok with that, but I have no way of expressing that to her in a way that does not end up with her in tears. Why does something that is supposed to create so much happiness in a marriage create so much strife? I did end up forwarding W the article. It's at least generating some conversation. Hearing it from an impartial party gives it a little more weight and time to digest the info. I would be interested to hear if you received a manipulative spin on her reaction? A silent reaction is just as bad. If you cannot get an honest response than where is the trust? |
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 15, 2016 13:54:31 GMT -5
I would be interested to hear if you received a manipulative spin on her reaction? A silent reaction is just as bad. If you cannot get an honest response than where is the trust? No, W is not a manipulator. Just an apparent asexual with her head firmly in the sand. I think she just honestly has no concept of what it means to have a sex drive, or the value of intimacy, and so has refused to take seriously my efforts all these years. She's told me she's taking it seriously; we will see. We've both been traveling this week, and I'm waiting until we're both home to continue. The problem for us is that W has always been like this. I'm the one who's changed by no longer being able to accept it. So, I don't hold much hope for closing the gap here without compelling her to become something she's not. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 15, 2016 14:13:19 GMT -5
I would be interested to hear if you received a manipulative spin on her reaction? A silent reaction is just as bad. If you cannot get an honest response than where is the trust? No, W is not a manipulator. Just an apparent asexual with her head firmly in the sand. I think she just honestly has no concept of what it means to have a sex drive, or the value of intimacy, and so has refused to take seriously my efforts all these years. She's told me she's taking it seriously; we will see. We've both been traveling this week, and I'm waiting until we're both home to continue. The problem for us is that W has always been like this. I'm the one who's changed by no longer being able to accept it. So, I don't hold much hope for closing the gap here without compelling her to become something she's not. I guess I am confused about that. (perhaps this needs another thread?) Did you know when you married her she was asexual? Or is this more of a recent discovery? i'm guessing again, one way to think about marring someone who( is/was/has become) asexual. Says that you have so many other outstanding qualities that would give a firm foundation to a stable marriage! |
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 15, 2016 16:12:34 GMT -5
I guess I am confused about that. (perhaps this needs another thread?) Did you know when you married her she was asexual? Or is this more of a recent discovery? i'm guessing again, one way to think about marring someone who( is/was/has become) asexual. Says that you have so many other outstanding qualities that would give a firm foundation to a stable marriage! Yeah, my situation is not typical. To your point, I've posted my back-story in the Welcome section. No, I had no concept of asexuality then. And she may not be a classic case (she certainly wouldn't admit it), but the key is that she has always had a very low desire. For a very long time, I believed our lack of sex was my fault - because, who doesn't like sex?! Decades later, I came to the realization that she's on the asexual end of the spectrum, and the problem didn't lie with me; it's inherent in her personality. Which, for me, means there is nothing to fix. It is what it is. We get along very well in every other way. Intellectually, she's a great life partner. But emotionally, the lack of a sincerely intimate bond makes for a very shallow relationship. |
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Post by 3000more on Jul 15, 2016 18:39:44 GMT -5
As for the thought of not needing to provide sex statement, I couldn't disagree more. That's exactly the reasoning refusers use(not saying your are a refuser). Both husband and the wife have a responsibility to meet the other's needs. When they meet these needs, they should do so with love and a enthusiasm. And I would argue that if any of the refused gentlemen on here are of the mindset that "she oughta be providing," it's a pretty safe bet, there isn't much being provided. I think expecting it is the beginning of trouble. It should be freely given and if not, something's amiss and has to be figured out first. And, no I'm not the refuser. Bu then, why would I be here if I were? "why would I be here if I were?" you could be a spy... |
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 15, 2016 22:45:42 GMT -5
And, no I'm not the refuser. Bu then, why would I be here if I were? "why would I be here if I were?" you could be a spy... |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2016 18:02:37 GMT -5
"why would I be here if I were?" you could be a spy... OK, I saw but elected not to dignify the original comment with a reply, but DryCreek, you make me laugh every day and twice on Sunday. And that I'll reply to. Thanks for the daily laugh. I'll be expecting 2 tomorrow - it's gonna be Sunday. :-) |
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