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Post by JonDoe on Oct 27, 2016 23:07:06 GMT -5
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Post by baza on Oct 28, 2016 5:08:13 GMT -5
Quoting part of the linked article here -
"Surviving a sexless marriage.
The only way to survive a sexless marriage is to run from it. I rarely tell people that divorce is their only option. In this case, my personal and professional experience has taught me that there is little hope for change.
I get a lot of pushback for this advice, usually from the spouse who is withholding sex. They don't need to feel an intimate bond with a spouse to be happy in their marriage and, feel the marriage should continue regardless of how much their spouse suffers. Their focus is their own needs, not the needs of their spouse.
Take your damaged self-image, your shame and any unhealthy beliefs you have come to feel about yourself and get out. Once you've done that, find a qualified therapist that can help you take back the power your spouse had to cause you to feel such negative emotions.
The damage will die hard and may be slow to repair but with time and work, you will once again feel sexually desirable and attractive"
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This "Cathy Meyer" appears to pretty much be of a like opinion to a lot of thinking in the ILIASM group.
That of course, doesn't make her "right", but she is apparently a very experienced counsellor and 'Divorce Support Expert' (though she might have awarded herself that title).
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Post by beachguy on Oct 28, 2016 12:52:31 GMT -5
This is the first SM article I've ever read that made sense. Particularly the PA Control discussion. I long ago came to believe that that is behind much of my own STBX's issues. In fact, the only time she ever got angry with me is when I brought up our sex problem. In bed though she took on the pout of a spoiled unhappy 5 YO.
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Post by beachguy on Oct 28, 2016 12:56:43 GMT -5
I do believe that there is much more than control here. There is some element of asexuality or general intimacy aversion involved, such that the refuser can control without giving up something many or most find very important. I find it difficult to believe that normally sexual people would punish themselves that way.
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Post by beachguy on Oct 28, 2016 12:59:01 GMT -5
The author strongly implies she was a victim of an SM. I doubt many "experts" of the subject have ever walked those shoes on a LT basis.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2016 21:26:51 GMT -5
I do believe that there is much more than control here. There is some element of asexuality or general intimacy aversion involved, such that the refuser can control without giving up something many or most find very important. I find it difficult to believe that normally sexual people would punish themselves that way. Actually intimacy aversion is about control too. It's about putting up walls so no one can get in and potentially hurt you. It's about trying to control the messiness and terrifying unpredictability of life. |
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Post by JonDoe on Oct 29, 2016 15:10:00 GMT -5
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Post by Lithium92 on Dec 28, 2016 4:07:32 GMT -5
I don't think there's a one size fits all answer. Some SMs are about control, some are abusive, some are about loss of love, some are about asexuality, some are about illness, amongst other things.
Intimacy aversion isn't the same kind of control as the abusive kind though. It's about control of the refuser's world rather than their partner's.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 28, 2016 8:10:23 GMT -5
I've pointed out the tendency to control (to my spouse), who quickly and vehemently denied it. It wasn't until maybe this year that I connected that desire to control to her refusal to have sex. It's just another way to control. JonDoe, good article. Definitely resonates, and i've noticed my spouse try to become more calm during an argument. She'll even start to half-smile, then deny it. I wouldn't have described that as a passive-aggressive trait, but there you go. Learn something new everyday! Denial is one of the first reactions of a controller. Not just to you, but to others that she comes in contact with, especially children. One of the first words out of her mouth is , "NO!" To any of your wishes, ideas, desires, needs, requests, even demands. shrink4men.com/2011/01/19/presto-change-o-darvo-deny-attack-and-reverse-victim-and-offender/ |
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Post by nancyb on Dec 28, 2016 8:43:08 GMT -5
I thought is was an excellent article. One that I wish I has read a decade or so ago. I agree that there are many reasons for a SM but certainly being married to a passive-agressive and ultimately controlling spouse is one of them.
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