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Post by thebaffledking on Dec 9, 2016 5:48:13 GMT -5
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Post by thebaffledking on Dec 9, 2016 8:28:53 GMT -5
"Husband" needs to join ILIASM so we can give him a good straightening out. IMHO, if you have to ask if it's 'normal', you're already lost.
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Post by JonDoe on Dec 9, 2016 8:30:05 GMT -5
It's abnormally normal for far too many!
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Post by iceman on Dec 9, 2016 9:00:45 GMT -5
Whenever I read something like this I wonder of the wife is also asking the same question. These people need to at least have the conversation to see just how far apart they are.
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 9, 2016 9:28:02 GMT -5
It's NOT NORMAL and that's what the 80% of people who aren't in a SM would say.
To go years without is so wrong and selfish by the no libido spouse.
If they understand that no sex upsets you and they make no effort to meet your needs sometimes like once a month, even that's a compromise, but if they can't even do that then they should not be surprised when the high libido spouse cheats or leaves because there are consequences for all behaviors.
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Post by beachguy on Dec 9, 2016 10:00:13 GMT -5
It's NOT NORMAL and that's what the 80% of people who aren't in a SM would say. To go years without is so wrong and selfish by the no libido spouse. If they understand that no sex upsets you and they make no effort to meet your needs sometimes like once a month, even that's a compromise, but if they can't even do that then they should not be surprised when the high libido spouse cheats or leaves because there are consequences for all behaviors. Once a month is not enough to tamp down the resentment that builds in the interim. That is why once a month inevitable leads to very unwanted celibacy |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 9, 2016 10:04:15 GMT -5
If you have to talk about it, someone has an aversion to sex and/or intimacy. Isn't that why we all ended up here and why it becomes obvious why you can't talk, reason or coerce your way into a satisfactory sex life?
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 9, 2016 10:12:47 GMT -5
It's NOT NORMAL and that's what the 80% of people who aren't in a SM would say. To go years without is so wrong and selfish by the no libido spouse. If they understand that no sex upsets you and they make no effort to meet your needs sometimes like once a month, even that's a compromise, but if they can't even do that then they should not be surprised when the high libido spouse cheats or leaves because there are consequences for all behaviors. Once a month is not enough to tamp down the resentment that builds in the interim. That is why once a month inevitable leads to very unwanted celibacy I agree if there's resentment and anger and one is still in the fog, once a month could be a compromise. Once a month plus my ex being a better husband and father in other areas then I would have stayed to keep the family unit together plus we would have been better financially with 2 incomes. For some if it's not so far gone once a month can work. Ignorance is bliss!  |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 9, 2016 11:16:45 GMT -5
If you have to talk about it, someone has an aversion to sex and/or intimacy. Isn't that why we all ended up here and why it becomes obvious why you can't talk, reason or coerce your way into a satisfactory sex life? Think of the things you do ask. From the big decisions, like "I want to move and change jobs", to" Lets go to this restaurant tonight", the controllers first word is "NO!". Straight forward verbal communication, where they take control. Then there's intimacy and sex. You are taught ,or its natural to make suggestions, drop hints, encourage ,and entice your partner. Now comes the manipulative control. The rejection with lies and excuses, avoidance. First you have to realize the manipulation , then attempt to overcome it, while being constantly bombarded with more, and more manipulation. That makes it several layers harder to talk about it. This, is not normal. |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 9, 2016 12:23:43 GMT -5
Once a month is not enough to tamp down the resentment that builds in the interim. That is why once a month inevitable leads to very unwanted celibacy I agree if there's resentment and anger and one is still in the fog, once a month could be a compromise. Once a month plus my ex being a better husband and father in other areas then I would have stayed to keep the family unit together plus we would have been better financially with 2 incomes. For some if it's not so far gone once a month can work. Ignorance is bliss! Once a month is a technically sexless marriage. If once a month is the best your partner can muster then surely life will get in the way at least a couple of times a year, and now you are down to 10x/year, or less, which is technically sexless. |
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 9, 2016 12:35:25 GMT -5
I agree if there's resentment and anger and one is still in the fog, once a month could be a compromise. Once a month plus my ex being a better husband and father in other areas then I would have stayed to keep the family unit together plus we would have been better financially with 2 incomes. For some if it's not so far gone once a month can work. Ignorance is bliss! Once a month is a technically sexless marriage. If once a month is the best your partner can muster then surely life will get in the way at least a couple of times a year, and now you are down to 10x/year, or less, which is technically sexless. I know that and I know me. If he would have once a month the I never would have outsourced I would have accepted the compromise. However after outsourcing and I found out what I was missing there was no compromising nor will I ever settle. I'm actually thankful now that he wouldn't fuck me. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 9, 2016 12:52:57 GMT -5
Personally, the first ten years of the 24 yr marriage are not as clear in my mind. The last 14 yrs, I was aware of the rejection, and kept a mental note. Looking back on the first ten? was it once a month? perhaps a few times of once a week. Certainly , it was never daily, even during procreation.
At this point it is irrelevant. What is important is the control by the rejector, the depletion of communication from the beginning, the lies, the falseness, and the fake attitude, that goes along with manipulation. So there goes the trust.
It all gets deeply buried and ingrained in your philosophy of keeping the peace, your responsibility to make things work, to sacrifice, all under the huge umbrella of marriage.
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