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Post by elynne on Mar 3, 2018 7:16:51 GMT -5
I know someone who has a flower business. They basically ‘embalm’ fresh flowers so they last a month or longer for high end hotels. I’ll ask him where one would start.
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Post by vabeamergirl on Mar 5, 2018 8:49:13 GMT -5
New to the ILIASM forum? Please introduce yourself on this thread; just press " Reply". Long time lurker? It's never too late... please introduce yourself when you are ready. After your first post here, when you have more to tell or ask, you should probably start a NEW thread for that discussion in the Sexless Marriage Issues board; click " Create Thread" there. New members should read through the threads in the " Welcome" board, particularly the " Guidelines" and " Quick Start" threads. The keyword is "respect". Site moderators will use the Guidelines to guide their moderation decisions; posts may be moved to a more appropriate forum, or in egregious cases of disrepsect, posts may be redacted or deleted. Trust us: that will make everyone's experience here better. -- Admin I am 42 almost 43, I had been part of this forum before but left because it wasn't horrible and I had learned to deal with it. That was a few years ago, thinking things would get better. It was like 12-15 times a year. Last month my husband of almost 5 years, diagnosed with ED.
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nc3e3
New Member
What's the worst that could happen? Oh...........
Posts: 13
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by nc3e3 on Mar 5, 2018 12:48:20 GMT -5
So yeah, here I am. 5 years touch free, married 4 and a half years. I know, right? Well she was pregnant at the time we were married, but we were engaged about 4 months before we got pregnant. But we were already older and had previous marriages. I was 40 and she was 36. We have a great kid. And that's about it. After a traumatic birth, which I understood would take a lot longer than 6 weeks to heal, our daughter is nearly 4 and a half. My wife hasn't touched me in any intimate way since right around the time of conception. She was very concerned that any sexual activity would cause a miscarriage and that this may be our only shot at being parents. Ok. Same after the birth, knew it would take extra time and planned for being patient. Then a year goes by, no response to touching, caressing, kissing. Another year goes by, still no change. I try to keep things light, make them fun, but no response. Another year passes, you all know the routine.
In the beginning, things were so easy. She would wrap herself up on me, touched me all the time, and enjoyed doing so. Our personalities clicked as well. They still do for the most part. But to be in this constant state of affectionless existence is mental torture, as everyone here has expressed. We started therapy with a couples sex therapist. It was her idea, though only after an argument that ended with "no more excuses, no more 'I don't know', we need answers".
I am seeking out meditation on my own. I realize after so many years of physical abandonment that my feelings of rejection have mutated to internal aggression. I have to find a release valve for all of the anger I'm holding inside myself. Seems like being here can help. YouTube has been helpful for the guided meditation so far. Have to find a way to let go of all of those negative feelings that will destroy any chance that therapy might help. I know for a while it will look like George screaming SERENITY NOW, but I have to start somewhere. A place 5 years ago seemed impossible to be. Damn. Can't say I'm glad to be here, but I appreciate any kind of support system. Empathy goes a long way. Thanks for being here.
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Post by DryCreek on Mar 5, 2018 20:41:27 GMT -5
Annulment?
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Post by baza on Mar 5, 2018 21:33:12 GMT -5
So yeah, here I am. 5 years touch free, married 4 and a half years. I know, right? Well she was pregnant at the time we were married, but we were engaged about 4 months before we got pregnant. But we were already older and had previous marriages. I was 40 and she was 36. We have a great kid. And that's about it. After a traumatic birth, which I understood would take a lot longer than 6 weeks to heal, our daughter is nearly 4 and a half. My wife hasn't touched me in any intimate way since right around the time of conception. She was very concerned that any sexual activity would cause a miscarriage and that this may be our only shot at being parents. Ok. Same after the birth, knew it would take extra time and planned for being patient. Then a year goes by, no response to touching, caressing, kissing. Another year goes by, still no change. I try to keep things light, make them fun, but no response. Another year passes, you all know the routine. In the beginning, things were so easy. She would wrap herself up on me, touched me all the time, and enjoyed doing so. Our personalities clicked as well. They still do for the most part. But to be in this constant state of affectionless existence is mental torture, as everyone here has expressed. We started therapy with a couples sex therapist. It was her idea, though only after an argument that ended with "no more excuses, no more 'I don't know', we need answers". I am seeking out meditation on my own. I realize after so many years of physical abandonment that my feelings of rejection have mutated to internal aggression. I have to find a release valve for all of the anger I'm holding inside myself. Seems like being here can help. YouTube has been helpful for the guided meditation so far. Have to find a way to let go of all of those negative feelings that will destroy any chance that therapy might help. I know for a while it will look like George screaming SERENITY NOW, but I have to start somewhere. A place 5 years ago seemed impossible to be. Damn. Can't say I'm glad to be here, but I appreciate any kind of support system. Empathy goes a long way. Thanks for being here. Making a start on sorting your own shit out is a pretty good thing you are pursuing Brother nc3e3 . You are at least some chance of getting a result for the effort you put in to it, and it may help you achieve a state of clarity about your way forward.
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nc3e3
New Member
What's the worst that could happen? Oh...........
Posts: 13
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by nc3e3 on Mar 6, 2018 7:22:59 GMT -5
If I cared about such things as "clearing my soul with the church" I might consider it. I don't think the court system would see it as any different as a standard divorce after living together for 5 years and having a child together. Though I will admit I haven't researched it fully. If/When it gets to that point all options will be on the table.
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Post by DryCreek on Mar 6, 2018 10:45:13 GMT -5
I don't think the court system would see it as any different as a standard divorce after living together for 5 years and having a child together. Though I will admit I haven't researched it fully. The court may indeed treat it differently; I don't know, and it'd depend on your jurisdiction in any event. I don't recall anyone arriving here so far after marriage that still hadn't been consummated. It surely wouldn't affect child support, but might be material for custody, division of assets, and spousal maintenance if done before common-law marriage would have applied. Nonetheless, a point worthy of learning more, even if you aren't at the point of wanting to act.
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nc3e3
New Member
What's the worst that could happen? Oh...........
Posts: 13
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by nc3e3 on Mar 6, 2018 12:23:03 GMT -5
I don't think the court system would see it as any different as a standard divorce after living together for 5 years and having a child together. Though I will admit I haven't researched it fully. The court may indeed treat it differently; I don't know, and it'd depend on your jurisdiction in any event. I don't recall anyone arriving here so far after marriage that still hadn't been consummated. It surely wouldn't affect child support, but might be material for custody, division of assets, and spousal maintenance if done before common-law marriage would have applied. Nonetheless, a point worthy of learning more, even if you aren't at the point of wanting to act. Yeah that's a question for the lawyers. May as well put it on the list of questions.
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Post by WindSister on Mar 8, 2018 8:13:39 GMT -5
So yeah, here I am. 5 years touch free, married 4 and a half years. I know, right? Well she was pregnant at the time we were married, but we were engaged about 4 months before we got pregnant. But we were already older and had previous marriages. I was 40 and she was 36. We have a great kid. And that's about it. After a traumatic birth, which I understood would take a lot longer than 6 weeks to heal, our daughter is nearly 4 and a half. My wife hasn't touched me in any intimate way since right around the time of conception. She was very concerned that any sexual activity would cause a miscarriage and that this may be our only shot at being parents. Ok. Same after the birth, knew it would take extra time and planned for being patient. Then a year goes by, no response to touching, caressing, kissing. Another year goes by, still no change. I try to keep things light, make them fun, but no response. Another year passes, you all know the routine. In the beginning, things were so easy. She would wrap herself up on me, touched me all the time, and enjoyed doing so. Our personalities clicked as well. They still do for the most part. But to be in this constant state of affectionless existence is mental torture, as everyone here has expressed. We started therapy with a couples sex therapist. It was her idea, though only after an argument that ended with "no more excuses, no more 'I don't know', we need answers". I am seeking out meditation on my own. I realize after so many years of physical abandonment that my feelings of rejection have mutated to internal aggression. I have to find a release valve for all of the anger I'm holding inside myself. Seems like being here can help. YouTube has been helpful for the guided meditation so far. Have to find a way to let go of all of those negative feelings that will destroy any chance that therapy might help. I know for a while it will look like George screaming SERENITY NOW, but I have to start somewhere. A place 5 years ago seemed impossible to be. Damn. Can't say I'm glad to be here, but I appreciate any kind of support system. Empathy goes a long way. Thanks for being here. Number one rule for a good marriage... marry because you love that person and want to be with that person in every way possible, including sexually. I hate to pass harsh judgement when it's clear I don't really know you guys, but from what you shared, it appears you got married "to be parents" and that's what you are. Sex wasn't even in the equation at all in the beginning (other than to conceive) so it won't be later unless it's also important to your wife. Her actions in the past year alone should answer that for you. Sorry.
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Post by humantouch1952 on Mar 12, 2018 16:11:54 GMT -5
I have been married for 43 years. We have been together since high school. About three and a half years ago, my wife told me she wasn't interested in having sex any longer. Needless to say, I was shocked. We've had a decent sex life throughout our marriage, but things began to slow down, and then came to a shrieking halt. We've now become "roommates".
I'm what I consider a "young" 65. I use a fitness center and try to stay in decent shape. I still love my wife, but it is a bitter pill to swallow that sex will no longer be a part of my life.
I've considered trying to find sex outside of my marriage, but don't want to go to a prostitute. Is there a way to find a woman who would be interested in having sex, say a couple of times a month, so I can experience a "human touch" again?
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firefollower
Full Member
Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by firefollower on Mar 15, 2018 17:57:45 GMT -5
Hello, I have had the opportunity to review some of the posts and already can say that I feel a little better (not the only one out there). The people on here are honest and authentic. I have found it reassuring to know that people struggle with the same things that I am. Me, 53 y/o male married 19 years with 4 kids under 18, W is 51...I know, I'm screwed. I have lived in a SM for nearly 10 years. I should have recognized the signs in the beginning after our marriage when my W began to throw out things of mine that she did not like. My hunting gear, my cowboy hat and boots all mysteriously vanished. When I questioned her about it, she stated that "I don't like that stuff". I have always had a high libido and when we were dating we could not keep our hands off each other and I thought I have finally met my match. We had similar likes and we both liked sex. After my second child I noticed a significant decline in interest on her part. Duty sex from that point forward was the only intimacy I received. It seemed that she got what she wanted (2 kids, a dog and a house) and no longer needed me in any sort of intimate sense. From that point on it has been a continual struggle with her telling me that all I think about is sex. She has even stated to me that she gets no pleasure from intercourse and that she simply does not see the need for it. I have pleaded with her to get blood test as she does have a thyroid problem...but to no avail. It appears to me and I could be wrong that the SM is all about control. Her control over me. When I piece the bits of history together...the throwing out of my stuff and the sexual refusal...it appears that she is trying to put me in box and if I bark...she smacks me on the nose and says be a good dog.
Up until recently, we could talk about and she would try and get better...there would be effort on her part and it gave me hope. Lately, it would seem that she has grown tired of that and has flatly denied any and all advances from me. She refuses to discuss it (eye roll)..."not this again". I feel hopeless, empty and trapped. I love my kids and would never put them in a position that would make them take sides. I recall my grandfather sleeping in a different bedroom from my grandmother and it appeared that they didn't really care for each other that much...they stayed like that until she died. Maybe that is my destiny...I hope not...
I would be interested to hear thought on the control aspects of a SM...I really believe this may be at the root of my issues...not sure??
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Post by baza on Mar 15, 2018 19:29:26 GMT -5
Brother firefollowerLet's say that the reason you are in an ILIASM shithole is because your missus is a control freak, as you speculate. Or, let's speculate that it is because she had some childhood trauma. Or that the cause is a malfunctioning thyroid, or she was dropped on her head as an infant, or is just a self entitled bitch. None of these issues are under your control. None of these are issues you can fix. She fixes them - or - they don't get fixed. Presupposing that your missus does not want to fix these issues (or doesn't believe that there is even an issue) what are you prepared to do Brother ?
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firefollower
Full Member
Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by firefollower on Mar 15, 2018 19:53:31 GMT -5
Baza, you are exactly spot on...perhaps me finding this forum will help me rebuild my self esteem and develop the balls to get out of this controlling situation. The kids are always a consideration, they didn’t ask for this...I can tell just from reading the variety of posts I am already starting to get my feet underneath me....thanks for responding.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Mar 15, 2018 20:16:15 GMT -5
Welcome firefollower. Too bad that you had to seek this place out. But now that you are here, I do hope you find your feet. FWIW...for me, it wasnt a matter of having balls, but more finding my voice. I struggled with communicating boundaries. Being here has helped me identify contributing patterns of behavior, both mine and hers, and provided context for dealing with that. It hasnt solved our issues, but the ground has moved. I wish for you similar progress. All the best.
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Post by DryCreek on Mar 16, 2018 0:06:13 GMT -5
firefollower, to turn your metaphor around, you have been "feeding the bad dog" - rewarding bad behavior. Someone who would consciously treat you poorly is not going to take notice just because you complain. You've trained her that there is no consequence. Just as she's conditioned you to accept less than you believe reasonable.
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