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Post by northstarmom on Feb 25, 2018 18:51:01 GMT -5
“I began to think she was cheating not so long ago , with some guy she worked with , I had to confront her about a text I saw by accident ( she left the phone in car and she never does that ) the last text was right there on the phone with love hearts as part of message
I freaked out and said it wasnt appropriate and she agreed it wasnt man I think Im such an idiot what a horrible feeling
so now this guys number has been deleted from the phone but I know that since then she lied to me about leaving for work early because she was heading over to where he was working and obviously didnt want me to know ( was part of her work day to do so for sure )”
You are ignoring evidence your wife is a liar and cheater. Btdt. When o finally decided I wanted out and asked for a divorce that’s when my husband, then age 62, said he’d been supporting a toddler he thought he’d fathered in Asia. I’m glad to be divorced and now have been with Post sm partner 5 years. I’m 66. Life can get better!
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Post by baza on Feb 25, 2018 19:05:04 GMT -5
Your missus might be cheating, and that's caused the cessation of sex. Or - she's not cheating, but something else has caused the cessation of sex. Let's assume for the moment that she IS cheating. If you were to gather absolute proof that this was happening, you confronted her, and put a stop to it, what would essentially change ? Do you figure that if she stopped rooting this workmate, then she would re-start desiring you ? Think that through. It doesn't actually make much sense when you think it through. Now, let us assume that she is NOT cheating. Under that scenario it is because she is not interested in sex generally (you included) or she IS interested in sex, but not with you specifically. Either way, your problem is NOT what she may - or may not - be doing outside of the marriage. Your problem is what she is NOT doing WITHIN the marriage. To cut to the chase here Brother 38revolutions , what are you prepared to do about this situation. Is the lack of sex a dealbreaker ? Or is the lack of sex only a dealbreaker if she is cheating ? In any event, it would seem highly prudent to consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how - theoretically - a divorce would shake out for you, and to develop a - theoretical - exit strategy so you don't get blindsided by your missus...who - if she IS cheating - may have her own legal advice and exit strategy under development. She may see the future of the marriage very differently to what you see it being. The continuance of the marriage is NOT solely at your discretion.
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Post by hopingforachange on Feb 25, 2018 19:30:54 GMT -5
If you do find out she is cheating, depending on your local laws, it could swing financials in your favor or speed up the divorce process.
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Post by 38revolutions on Feb 25, 2018 20:43:23 GMT -5
I'm probably no different to anyone else in that the lack of sex and me having to beg like a dog for it is demeaning and really changes life as a whole , it's knocked my confidence in general and I don't mind admitting it's lowered my self esteem
she says she is going through first stages of menopause and she just doesn't have the desire but I've read that is a crap excuse really that lots of women use when they jsut arent interested for whatever reason
but it was going on long before that too, it's just I can't really argue with that one without seeming like a jerk
man it's so difficult to explain I almost feel like I am making it up but I'm obviously not otherwise I wouldn't be checking out all these sites and reading up on signs of cheating and so on
I've just noticed this past year I'm doubting myself all the time , doubting what Im capable of as a person , doubting if my kids even like me it's horrible to have those thoughts all the time
I honestly would just pack up and leave if it was cheating , I wouldn't look back for a moment
I still want this to work though , we have been through a lot together and are still making plans to improve our lot
the future is spoken about in terms of us both being in it with our kids it's not like different paths are being forged
but the self doubt and self esteem issues that have grown from this are just becoming unbearable like I said to the point where I think shes cheating !
so frustrating
needed to vent
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Post by baza on Feb 25, 2018 21:17:16 GMT -5
So "cheating" is your dealbreaker. Sexual rejection is not your dealbreaker. Best you get that legal advice etc (as suggested earlier Brother 38revolutions) so you are not caught unprepared. If it transpires that she is NOT cheating, then you lose nothing by being prepared for such an eventuality. If it transpires that she IS cheating, you don't want to get blindsided, and you most certainly do not want to be scrambling around trying to get your legal advice - exit strategy etc - together under the extreme pressure of a sudden blow up scenario. This is serious shit Brother 38revolutions. You aren't dealing with a cold, you are dealing with pneumonia.
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Post by 38revolutions on Feb 26, 2018 13:15:11 GMT -5
yeh it's serious
Theres other things gone on too and now I am writing it all down and sharing it , it starts to look ridiculous. I don't even want to share some of it because I know if I write it down and read it as from anothers perspective it will make me look a fool.
Last minute working late for an extra couple hours and so on. Getting edgy when I ask why don't you phone from work on your break ?
I've even trawled the bank statements looking for weird spending , which again why the hell would I do that if I didn't have suspicions. I did bring all this up , well , most of it but now I read it back to myself and I think what advice I would give to someone else and it's just upsetting.
Thanks for making this platform.
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Post by hopingforachange on Feb 26, 2018 13:53:21 GMT -5
yeh it's serious Theres other things gone on too and now I am writing it all down and sharing it , it starts to look ridiculous. I don't even want to share some of it because I know if I write it down and read it as from anothers perspective it will make me look a fool. Last minute working late for an extra couple hours and so on. Getting edgy when I ask why don't you phone from work on your break ? I've even trawled the bank statements looking for weird spending , which again why the hell would I do that if I didn't have suspicions. I did bring all this up , well , most of it but now I read it back to myself and I think what advice I would give to someone else and it's just upsetting. Thanks for making this platform. Sounds like you need to be a "sweet husband" and bring her dinner at work on those late nights. You could even post a pic on Facebook of the food just before you walk into her building.
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Post by h on Feb 26, 2018 13:56:33 GMT -5
yeh it's serious Theres other things gone on too and now I am writing it all down and sharing it , it starts to look ridiculous. I don't even want to share some of it because I know if I write it down and read it as from anothers perspective it will make me look a fool. Last minute working late for an extra couple hours and so on. Getting edgy when I ask why don't you phone from work on your break ? I've even trawled the bank statements looking for weird spending , which again why the hell would I do that if I didn't have suspicions. I did bring all this up , well , most of it but now I read it back to myself and I think what advice I would give to someone else and it's just upsetting. Thanks for making this platform. Sounds like you need to be a "sweet husband" and bring her dinner at work on those late nights. You could even post a pic on Facebook of the food just before you walk into her building. I wish I could give this ^^^^ a thousand likes.
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Post by misty1975 on Feb 26, 2018 15:41:18 GMT -5
I’ve been here for about a month but have only registered today. My husband and I have been together for 14 years on again off again, we always break up for the same reason so I don’t know why I keep on expecting a change, this time around not only did all sex die but so did all attention. I know he doesn’t love me but I really want my kids to have a complete family and this time around we are married and I know if i leave this time he will get custody of the kids.
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Post by 38revolutions on Feb 26, 2018 15:51:10 GMT -5
thats one of the reasons I have stuck all this out misty , worried that I will not see my kids much if we split
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Post by hopingforachange on Feb 26, 2018 15:57:49 GMT -5
I’ve been here for about a month but have only registered today. My husband and I have been together for 14 years on again off again, we always break up for the same reason so I don’t know why I keep on expecting a change, this time around not only did all sex die but so did all attention. I know he doesn’t love me but I really want my kids to have a complete family and this time around we are married and I know if i leave this time he will get custody of the kids. Don't write the custody in stone yet. Have you talked to a lawyer in your area yet?
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Post by 38revolutions on Feb 26, 2018 15:58:21 GMT -5
sounds like a great idea but not practical for me , can't get in the building to begin with
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Post by hopingforachange on Feb 26, 2018 17:32:55 GMT -5
sounds like a great idea but not practical for me , can't get in the building to begin with Then show up the the building entrance with dinner in hand and ask for the guards to call her down. I work in a government building, so I understand the interesting security games that are played. Depending on the security guard if she doesn't answer her phone they might volunteer to track her down in the building. Because they either get to see the wife gush over the sweat husband or they get to watch her get caught. Either way they have a story to tell at shift change.
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Post by logicguy on Feb 27, 2018 2:55:42 GMT -5
Hello guys. I am new to this forum and just like everyone else, not really wanting to be in this forum and would much rather be in a forum for a spouse wanting too much sex. I have been married to my wife for 7 years. Sex when dating was off the charts. Sex when we got married was great for the first 2 to 3 years, then started to change. My situation is better then many of you, but still not where I want to be. Our sex life just keeps getting less and less. We had sex about 9 times last year, we did have sex once this year so far. However, I get told no about 90% of the time and she does not feel that it is that big of a deal. I have a very strong sex drive and I love to feel the closeness that sex brings. Sometimes I just need to vent and I want to address this before I get into a situation where it is years with no sex. Just a couple of items of data for you to process in your logic system: 1. You said that you and you wife had sex 9 times last year. By clinical definition, a sexless marriage is one in which sex occurs 10 times or less in a year. You are in a clinical sexless marriage. 2. You are refused 90% of the time that you initiate. In other words, your wife's Default switch is set to NO. Circles I "run in" believe that the Default of a loving, generous spouse is set to Yes. (This not to say that sex on demand is required, but that generosity and caring make sex likely rather than refusal.) As Baza points out, the plotting of your sex life is a steep graph, and asks what you are actually prepared to do? The key word in his question is do - if you do nothing, nothing will change. But the thing is that doing something can be mostly likely will be costly. It's only when the situation becomes intolerable that you will do something; until then, you will tolerate. You are right, I am in a sexless marriage. I most likely will tolerate for far too long. I dont't want sex with someone else, I just want our sex life back. Not sure if I can get that back.
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Post by waitingandwanting on Feb 27, 2018 12:29:31 GMT -5
Hello everyone,
I have been a member of a few of these forums (EP, tapatalk, etc...) not sure what I am expecting to find here but I have been going through a difficult time of things lately.
I have been married 11 years as of this past September, I am 41, my wife is 38. We have two kids aged 5 and 9, I have had the snip so no more are in the cards. We had a very active sex life while dating and got married about 18 months into our relationship. I wish we had waiting because the sex dried up considerably there after. While not clinically sexless for most of our marriage it averaged around 15 times a year for the first ten years (pretty consistently like from 12-18 per year each year) until last year it was 9. The fact that I started keeping track the last 5-6 years is depressing.
We have had the "talk" about 4-5 times since we were married, the first few times I had difficulty bringing it up as I dislike being vulnerable but it was greeted with empathy and a promise to work on things and suggestions for how to improve our relationship overall. The last two times we absolute shit shows. I was blasted for jeopardizing our relationship, told I need mental help, that it was all my issue and thus all my responsibility to get over. The last time was about a year ago and I said I accepted that regular sex is off the table but that I felt we should at least be romantic in other ways, we rarely kiss (about 24 times last year) or hug and that I would at least appreciate SOME physical affection. I was told that this was my fault too, that I need to back off, that again I was ruining our marriage, that she is not here to service my needs or what I THINK I need. That it's gross and unhealthy for me to want her to show physical affection for me to feel better, that I was selfish and taking something from her.
I used to try to initiate sex about 2-3 times a week, now I have a Pavlovian response to intimacy and trying to be close to my wife, we had sex in early November and most recently in two weeks ago. Even though I no longer initiate, she does it very passive aggressively to the point where the last time she "initiated" she just lay close to me one weekend morning and put her head close to mine and let her lips touch mine but would not actually kiss me first. I was weak and decided to kiss her first as it had been nearly four months and we had sex which was great (and when it does happen it IS great sex) but I felt absolutely horrible afterwards. I felt like I was being used, that she had finally gotten an itch and I scratched it for her. No touch at all since then. It's gotten to the point that I can't watch TV shows or movies where there is kissing or sex scenes because it makes me uncomfortable and sad.
I know I could leave but my wife's father left when she was young and always held that against him and I am sure she would cultivate those feelings in my kids if I left.
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