|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Feb 27, 2018 12:34:48 GMT -5
Hello everyone, I have been a member of a few of these forums (EP, tapatalk, etc...) not sure what I am expecting to find here but I have been going through a difficult time of things lately. I have been married 11 years as of this past September, I am 41, my wife is 38. We have two kids aged 5 and 9, I have had the snip so no more are in the cards. We had a very active sex life while dating and got married about 18 months into our relationship. I wish we had waiting because the sex dried up considerably there after. While not clinically sexless for most of our marriage it averaged around 15 times a year for the first ten years (pretty consistently like from 12-18 per year each year) until last year it was 9. The fact that I started keeping track the last 5-6 years is depressing. We have had the "talk" about 4-5 times since we were married, the first few times I had difficulty bringing it up as I dislike being vulnerable but it was greeted with empathy and a promise to work on things and suggestions for how to improve our relationship overall. The last two times we absolute shit shows. I was blasted for jeopardizing our relationship, told I need mental help, that it was all my issue and thus all my responsibility to get over. The last time was about a year ago and I said I accepted that regular sex is off the table but that I felt we should at least be romantic in other ways, we rarely kiss (about 24 times last year) or hug and that I would at least appreciate SOME physical affection. I was told that this was my fault too, that I need to back off, that again I was ruining our marriage, that she is not here to service my needs or what I THINK I need. That it's gross and unhealthy for me to want her to show physical affection for me to feel better, that I was selfish and taking something from her. I used to try to initiate sex about 2-3 times a week, now I have a Pavlovian response to intimacy and trying to be close to my wife, we had sex in early November and most recently in two weeks ago. Even though I no longer initiate, she does it very passive aggressively to the point where the last time she "initiated" she just lay close to me one weekend morning and put her head close to mine and let her lips touch mine but would not actually kiss me first. I was weak and decided to kiss her first as it had been nearly four months and we had sex which was great (and when it does happen it IS great sex) but I felt absolutely horrible afterwards. I felt like I was being used, that she had finally gotten an itch and I scratched it for her. No touch at all since then. It's gotten to the point that I can't watch TV shows or movies where there is kissing or sex scenes because it makes me uncomfortable and sad. I know I could leave but my wife's father left when she was young and always held that against him and I am sure she would cultivate those feelings in my kids if I left. First, welcome to the club no one wanted to be a member of. Second, Classic DARVO. She done around to normal needs for intimacy as you're problem instead of her accepting that her rejection of intimacy is the problem. |
|
|
|
Post by misty1975 on Feb 27, 2018 14:31:42 GMT -5
Don't write the custody in stone yet. Have you talked to a lawyer in your area yet? Not yet. First I need to get a job and get money saved up but as soon as I do I plan on it but if he will get the kids I need to stay. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Feb 27, 2018 17:48:12 GMT -5
Hello everyone, I have been a member of a few of these forums (EP, tapatalk, etc...) not sure what I am expecting to find here but I have been going through a difficult time of things lately. I have been married 11 years as of this past September, I am 41, my wife is 38. We have two kids aged 5 and 9, I have had the snip so no more are in the cards. We had a very active sex life while dating and got married about 18 months into our relationship. I wish we had waiting because the sex dried up considerably there after. While not clinically sexless for most of our marriage it averaged around 15 times a year for the first ten years (pretty consistently like from 12-18 per year each year) until last year it was 9. The fact that I started keeping track the last 5-6 years is depressing. We have had the "talk" about 4-5 times since we were married, the first few times I had difficulty bringing it up as I dislike being vulnerable but it was greeted with empathy and a promise to work on things and suggestions for how to improve our relationship overall. The last two times we absolute shit shows. I was blasted for jeopardizing our relationship, told I need mental help, that it was all my issue and thus all my responsibility to get over. The last time was about a year ago and I said I accepted that regular sex is off the table but that I felt we should at least be romantic in other ways, we rarely kiss (about 24 times last year) or hug and that I would at least appreciate SOME physical affection. I was told that this was my fault too, that I need to back off, that again I was ruining our marriage, that she is not here to service my needs or what I THINK I need. That it's gross and unhealthy for me to want her to show physical affection for me to feel better, that I was selfish and taking something from her. I used to try to initiate sex about 2-3 times a week, now I have a Pavlovian response to intimacy and trying to be close to my wife, we had sex in early November and most recently in two weeks ago. Even though I no longer initiate, she does it very passive aggressively to the point where the last time she "initiated" she just lay close to me one weekend morning and put her head close to mine and let her lips touch mine but would not actually kiss me first. I was weak and decided to kiss her first as it had been nearly four months and we had sex which was great (and when it does happen it IS great sex) but I felt absolutely horrible afterwards. I felt like I was being used, that she had finally gotten an itch and I scratched it for her. No touch at all since then. It's gotten to the point that I can't watch TV shows or movies where there is kissing or sex scenes because it makes me uncomfortable and sad. I know I could leave but my wife's father left when she was young and always held that against him and I am sure she would cultivate those feelings in my kids if I left. Are you taking a position that - "everything is great bar the sex" - Brother waitingandwanting ? If you are, then my suggestion is to put that position right under the microscope and subject it to the most objective and rigorous examination. Lots of stories start of at "everything is great bar the sex". Very very few stories end that way. Most fleshed out stories here tell a tale of dysfunctionality and incompatability - and unsurprisingly - a lack of sex. Incompatible people don't fuck each other. |
|
|
|
Post by elynne on Feb 28, 2018 11:59:11 GMT -5
Hi. I’m Erica. Friday will be my 11th wedding anniversary with my husband. I’m not exactly sure how long it would be considered ‘sexless’. I’d guess at least 5 years. This year we’re O for O. Last year we had sex once. I think it was in February. I initiated, was turned down and then the following day he initiated. It’s an odd dynamic. He never initiates first. And if I try to get him in the mood - anything I do is a big turn off for him.
But the lack of sex isn’t my biggest frustration in our relationship. I think the lack of intimacy in all aspects is what I struggle with the most. He keeps me at arm’s length in every aspect of our life together. Planning, goals, finances. He’ll make big decisions (new car, or spending 15k on the backyard) without any discussion or agreement. There are no hugs, no kisses, almost no eye contact. Conversations are about logistics- who is responsible for picking the kids up from hockey on Saturday?
I feel like he really doesn’t like me but needs a pretty wife, two kids and a dog to complete the picture perfect life he wants to present to the outside world.
I’ve swung from being depressed, to trying harder and harder to be perfect to being angry that he shifts all blame for all problems onto me. Now I’m just frustrated and tired and want a chance to be happy or at least alone without the loneliness of being married to someone who pretends I don’t exist.
Sigh. I got angry with him two days ago after trying to be affectionate with him on our ski vacation. He brushed me off. Told me he felt like I was raping him. In anger I replied, “No need to worry. I will never intentionally touch you again.”
I’m serious about that. I’m done. 8 years of trying to build a relationship on my own. Of reaching out only to get shot down. Of him doing everything he could to convince me that I’m the problem. Fuck that! I’m a kind, smart, attractive woman. I’m funny. I don’t smell bad. He’s got to own his own shit and work on fixing it or it’s over.
I don’t care if I lose a cushy life and a big house. I don’t care if post divorce I’m dirt poor. At least I’ll be free to give and receive hugs. To touch and be touched. To feel worthy of love instead of living with a cold and seemingly heartless husband.
Ahhh... that felt good! To let it all out! Have you all come across the term Intimacy Anorexic? I don’t know if it’s BS, but it pretty much describes our relationship to a T.
|
|
|
|
Post by h on Feb 28, 2018 12:14:12 GMT -5
Welcome elynne and I'm sorry you had to search us out. Nobody wants to be a member of this club but we're all glad it exists. Maybe it's time for you to move to a separate bedroom and make it official. From the description you give, your H isn't ever going to give you the love you need. He seems more interested in image than substance. Thanks for sharing and I hope you have a good day today after getting that out. |
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Feb 28, 2018 12:24:54 GMT -5
Welcome elynnePerhaps it's time to start shattering his public image. He is getting what he wants, and it sounds like you are not even getting your needs for filled. |
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Feb 28, 2018 13:50:59 GMT -5
Hi, elynne. Sorry, and welcome... From what you describe, I agree that your husband is all about the façade. He's not acting married in many senses of the concept. Some likely prospects are that he's gay and you're his cover, he's having affairs, or he's simply asexual. But whatever the reason, what matters is that he doesn't want sex with you, even if he seems to otherwise have desires. One of the things you'll learn here is that "why" actually doesn't matter - only their actions and results. Knowing why doesn't really change anything except your own peace of mind that it was beyond your control - which it is anyway. You can dive deep into self-reflection and self-improvement, as many here have done, but only they can motivate themselves to change. And he sure doesn't sound motivated. Another piece of advice you'll get here is to talk to an attorney soon. In fact, talk to three of them. In many locales, the initial consult is free. By the third one, you'll have much better questions and start to gauge which of them has a style that matches yours. You will learn things in that process that will dispel many common misperceptions, and give you the lay of the land specific to your jurisdiction (because they're all different). Cheers, DC |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Feb 28, 2018 18:32:38 GMT -5
Hi. I’m Erica. Friday will be my 11th wedding anniversary with my husband. I’m not exactly sure how long it would be considered ‘sexless’. I’d guess at least 5 years. This year we’re O for O. Last year we had sex once. I think it was in February. I initiated, was turned down and then the following day he initiated. It’s an odd dynamic. He never initiates first. And if I try to get him in the mood - anything I do is a big turn off for him. But the lack of sex isn’t my biggest frustration in our relationship. I think the lack of intimacy in all aspects is what I struggle with the most. He keeps me at arm’s length in every aspect of our life together. Planning, goals, finances. He’ll make big decisions (new car, or spending 15k on the backyard) without any discussion or agreement. There are no hugs, no kisses, almost no eye contact. Conversations are about logistics- who is responsible for picking the kids up from hockey on Saturday? I feel like he really doesn’t like me but needs a pretty wife, two kids and a dog to complete the picture perfect life he wants to present to the outside world. I’ve swung from being depressed, to trying harder and harder to be perfect to being angry that he shifts all blame for all problems onto me. Now I’m just frustrated and tired and want a chance to be happy or at least alone without the loneliness of being married to someone who pretends I don’t exist. Sigh. I got angry with him two days ago after trying to be affectionate with him on our ski vacation. He brushed me off. Told me he felt like I was raping him. In anger I replied, “No need to worry. I will never intentionally touch you again.” I’m serious about that. I’m done. 8 years of trying to build a relationship on my own. Of reaching out only to get shot down. Of him doing everything he could to convince me that I’m the problem. Fuck that! I’m a kind, smart, attractive woman. I’m funny. I don’t smell bad. He’s got to own his own shit and work on fixing it or it’s over. I don’t care if I lose a cushy life and a big house. I don’t care if post divorce I’m dirt poor. At least I’ll be free to give and receive hugs. To touch and be touched. To feel worthy of love instead of living with a cold and seemingly heartless husband. Ahhh... that felt good! To let it all out! Have you all come across the term Intimacy Anorexic? I don’t know if it’s BS, but it pretty much describes our relationship to a T. Were you to call a halt to this circus Sister elynne , you'd need a solid alternative path to follow, and your post strongly suggests that you do NOT have such a plan. So my suggestion is - - see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you - start putting together an exit strategy within the parameters of the above facts - shore up your support network - research everything you can find concerning helping kids through such a scenario In other words, construct an alternative to staying in your ILIASM shithole. Have an alternate option. Then, you can make an objective and fully informed choice about whether you - stay..... or leave. |
|
hiddenmind
Junior Member
Posts: 25 
Age Range: 36-40
|
Post by hiddenmind on Feb 28, 2018 18:33:31 GMT -5
Hello to everyone! I just found this forum today, by way of the comments on an article I was reading about sexless marriages.
I've been with my husband for about 15 years. When we first started dating, we had regular sex, but it wasn't great. It was always initiated by him, but there was no foreplay and no kissing. I don't know why I didn't run right then! Yes I do...he was the most normal guy I'd met, and we got along great otherwise. A few months in, the sex became less frequent, but I wasn't concerned. Eventually, it just stopped. A few years in, we even broke up for a few weeks (mind you, we were living together, so it was a move to separate bedrooms and generally avoiding each other) over the lack of sex. Unfortunately, I found great sex during the break, but I missed the normal hang out time with my future-hubby. I went back to him, he pleaded and promised that he would do better, and we got married. The night of our wedding, I somehow thought it really would be all better. We went back to our apartment after the festivities were over, and I was ready to make it official. My husband, instead, changed clothes and went to hang out and drink with his friends. I ended up crying myself to sleep and wondering if I'd just made a big mistake.
We get along well, though, and used to have a good time together, so that seemed to overshadow the SM. A few years into the marriage, my maternal clock was ticking, and I wanted to have a baby. My hubby agreed, but in order to make it happen, we had to schedule the dates and times for sex. Otherwise, it would never happen. So for the few months that it took to get pregnant, I was relatively happy. We had regular sex for about a week each month. When I did get pregnant, I kept the news to myself for an extra month, so that I could get another month of sex out of him. Then, it all stopped. He wouldn't touch me when I was pregnant. Now, my son just turned 6, and he is awesome!!! But in those six years, I think my husband and I have had sex twice. The last time that we did was over 2 years ago, and it was so bad that my husband stopped in the middle of it "because he was tired."
So I guess I am just on here to vent. Yesterday, I had a moment, and thought I would ask my husband to have sex, because surely now... He kind of laughed and said maybe another day. So never.
But as a stay-at-home mom, my life is so entwined with his, that I can't even fathom leaving. So, as we rapidly approach our 10 year wedding anniversary this summer, I am looking for plan B. I make a point to stay in shape, and I try to take care of myself. I used to know I was attractive in my 20's, but now in my 30's, not going out anywhere, no one hitting on me ever, I feel extremely unwanted and undesired. However, I feel very alive and crave physical intimacy. I'm not sure where to go with those feelings, but I'm taking baby steps. I just made an appointment with my doctor to get birth control pills, so that if an opportunity presents itself, I can actually consider it.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Feb 28, 2018 18:56:07 GMT -5
Were you of a mind to consider calling a halt to this circus Sister hiddenmind , you'd need a solid alternative path to follow, and your post strongly suggests that you do NOT have such a plan... and that severely limits your options. So my suggestion is - - see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you - start putting together an exit strategy within the parameters of the above facts - shore up your support network - research everything you can find concerning helping kids through such a scenario In other words, construct an alternative to staying in your ILIASM shithole. Have an alternate option. Whether you used the option or not would obviously be at your discretion But you would, at least, be able to make an objective and fully informed choice about whether you - stay..... or leave. |
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Feb 28, 2018 18:59:42 GMT -5
Hello to everyone! I just found this forum today, by way of the comments on an article I was reading about sexless marriages. I've been with my husband for about 15 years. When we first started dating, we had regular sex, but it wasn't great. It was always initiated by him, but there was no foreplay and no kissing. I don't know why I didn't run right then! Yes I do...he was the most normal guy I'd met, and we got along great otherwise. A few months in, the sex became less frequent, but I wasn't concerned. Eventually, it just stopped. A few years in, we even broke up for a few weeks (mind you, we were living together, so it was a move to separate bedrooms and generally avoiding each other) over the lack of sex. Unfortunately, I found great sex during the break, but I missed the normal hang out time with my future-hubby. I went back to him, he pleaded and promised that he would do better, and we got married. The night of our wedding, I somehow thought it really would be all better. We went back to our apartment after the festivities were over, and I was ready to make it official. My husband, instead, changed clothes and went to hang out and drink with his friends. I ended up crying myself to sleep and wondering if I'd just made a big mistake. We get along well, though, and used to have a good time together, so that seemed to overshadow the SM. A few years into the marriage, my maternal clock was ticking, and I wanted to have a baby. My hubby agreed, but in order to make it happen, we had to schedule the dates and times for sex. Otherwise, it would never happen. So for the few months that it took to get pregnant, I was relatively happy. We had regular sex for about a week each month. When I did get pregnant, I kept the news to myself for an extra month, so that I could get another month of sex out of him. Then, it all stopped. He wouldn't touch me when I was pregnant. Now, my son just turned 6, and he is awesome!!! But in those six years, I think my husband and I have had sex twice. The last time that we did was over 2 years ago, and it was so bad that my husband stopped in the middle of it "because he was tired." So I guess I am just on here to vent. Yesterday, I had a moment, and thought I would ask my husband to have sex, because surely now... He kind of laughed and said maybe another day. So never. But as a stay-at-home mom, my life is so entwined with his, that I can't even fathom leaving. So, as we rapidly approach our 10 year wedding anniversary this summer, I am looking for plan B. I make a point to stay in shape, and I try to take care of myself. I used to know I was attractive in my 20's, but now in my 30's, not going out anywhere, no one hitting on me ever, I feel extremely unwanted and undesired. However, I feel very alive and crave physical intimacy. I'm not sure where to go with those feelings, but I'm taking baby steps. I just made an appointment with my doctor to get birth control pills, so that if an opportunity presents itself, I can actually consider it. Welcome to the club no one wanted to be part of. There are other options like IUDs, which would allow you to not have the pack of pills for your H to even ask your about. |
|
hiddenmind
Junior Member
Posts: 25
Age Range: 36-40
|
Post by hiddenmind on Feb 28, 2018 19:12:29 GMT -5
Thanks, hopingforachange!
|
|
|
|
Post by h on Feb 28, 2018 20:55:54 GMT -5
hiddenmind depending on where you live, 10 years is one of those milestones that make a huge difference in divorce agreements. Take baza's advice and see a lawyer to determine how it would go and ask about the difference between various lengths of time in a marriage.
|
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Feb 28, 2018 21:08:48 GMT -5
hiddenmind many of us here have horrible wedding night and honey moon stories. If only we had known back then the red flags. Once you start caring about yourself, you will be surprised how much you will get noticed
|
|
|
|
Post by elynne on Mar 1, 2018 10:07:01 GMT -5
Hi, elynne. Sorry, and welcome... From what you describe, I agree that your husband is all about the façade. He's not acting married in many senses of the concept. Some likely prospects are that he's gay and you're his cover, he's having affairs, or he's simply asexual. But whatever the reason, what matters is that he doesn't want sex with you, even if he seems to otherwise have desires. One of the things you'll learn here is that "why" actually doesn't matter - only their actions and results. Knowing why doesn't really change anything except your own peace of mind that it was beyond your control - which it is anyway. You can dive deep into self-reflection and self-improvement, as many here have done, but only they can motivate themselves to change. And he sure doesn't sound motivated. Another piece of advice you'll get here is to talk to an attorney soon. In fact, talk to three of them. In many locales, the initial consult is free. By the third one, you'll have much better questions and start to gauge which of them has a style that matches yours. You will learn things in that process that will dispel many common misperceptions, and give you the lay of the land specific to your jurisdiction (because they're all different). Cheers, DC Thanks for the advice! I’ve actually gotten a recommendation for a good attorney - from a friend who is also an attorney. I met with her and brought her tax records, account statements etc. I’ll actually be in decent shape in the event of a divorce. In theory, he has to pay me for his share of his practice and up to 50% of his earnings for 12 years. Not to mention child support. After the 12 years is over than he pays zero alimony. Not entirely fair, considering I gave up a 6 figure job to move to a foreign country with him ‘for Love.’ The only thing missing is the love! |
|
