Introduce Yourself

I have been married to the same women for 37 years. We co-parent two wonderful children. We travel together. We support each other when one of us is struggling. We have a strong bond of friendship. But for the past 20 years we have never had sex. Why? It sure was not my choice. Soon after giving birth to our second child my wife completely withdrew from me in the realm of sex, physical intimacy, and even simple physical gestures of affection. The most I ever get is a sad peck on the lips or cheek. I've tried to talk about but she quickly shuts down. We've gone into couples counseling twice, but my wife is not able to articulate what has motivated her sexual shutdown. I have a bunch of theories. Maybe she holding grudges over my past conduct she won't disclose. Maybe it's hormonal change. Maybe she dislikes and feels shame over how two pregnancies changed her body. I honestly don't know and probably will never know what's behind it. Why didn't I simply divorce her for the sake of sex. The biggest reason is my certainty this would have severely disrupted the lives of and permanently traumatized our kids. I consulted several different psychologists on this point and they all said my perception was accurate and I should stay. Another reason guilt. I have a strong sense that if I divorced my wife she would go into a severe depression, never date again, and be miserable. She has come very near saying this explicitly. The third reason is that my parents and my wife's parents were both married for 60 years before they died. So my thinking is that if I give up on my marriage it makes me a failure. Whether these thoughts are true or not, reasonable or not, these thoughts have held me in place. Emotionally this has not been easy. I am not just starved for sex, I am starved for simple human touch. I have more physical contact with our dog who loves it when I rub her belly or pat her on the head. At times I feel terribly alone. I even went through a serious depression that I have recovered from. I went onto a couple of paid websites looking for a sex-starved, touch-starved woman my age in a sexless marriage but neither site was helpful. One of the sites had divorced or widowed women seeking either a new husband or a lifetime partner. The other was for slutty women with their legs spread who looked like carriers of every STI I could name. I haven't given up, but I find myself shaking my head and sighing a lot. It may sound weird but just sharing my story made me feel a bit better as I wrote it.

No reason to be embarrassed. I'm glad you are taking care of you. Sorry about the bad advice. Doesn't really sound like they were putting your interest first. I needed counseling to deal with guilt of putting myself first and leaving someone I knew wouldn't cope well. He didn't and still isn't 5 yrs later. But I don't take ownership of his issues.

You say you're probably never going to know. Are you ready to stop trying to figure it out?

If so, that lands you where everyone LIASM ends up. The three options:

Divorce
Outsource
Stay and learn to cope with celibacy.

Long story short, available elsewhere here on ILIASM, if curious:
Like you, when my clinically-depressed wife and I were down to 5 times a year for the third year straight (or more?), I fired up a dating profile on OKcupid seeking only married women (polyamorous) and confirmed there was interest if I was on the market as a married man. They had a home life they didn't want to leave. So did I. That was the plan. Stay married, get that missing piece elsewhere.

I explained to my wife I'd be taking a lover in two months if something didn't change. I was going to be intimate with someone. It'd be great if it was her, but it wasn't going to be nobody.

She reset, November 2019. We clock in around 17 times a year, every three weeks. Not zesty, exactly, but I appreciate the compromise and the times we do have are really quite good.

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This plan meant that she would have to be the one destroying the family, not me. She would have been choosing forced celibacy over the family/marriage. That's not a good look and it was one I found acceptable as a chapter of my life story had she decided to do something so non-sensical/unreasonable/controlling/sadistic.

Both our parents were married 'til death too. You and I have lots of overlap.

Just venting makes you feel good? You don't say.
Glad to be here to listen.

Hello,

I am 38 and I have been married to my H for almost 13y now and have had problems with intimacy since the beginning of our marriage.
I thought I was something with me because I could not understand how a young couple, recently married, did not have sex frequently. He used to say he was tired, and if I asked any questions about it, he would make me feel bad / guilty for asking. The years went by, and, of course, things got worse... I have no idea how long it's been since we've had sex.
The thing is, it is not only about lack of intimacy and emotional neglect anymore, it is about the marriage has become.
We are way too distant now and, I honestly don't think am will ever get better, but I don't have the courage or the strength to leave.

In one of our talks he said he had been in a sexless relationship before, but he only admitted to that 1y ago.
It feels like I am never going to happy again. I know it's a stupid thing to say, but that is exactly how I feel.

I am sorry for such a long intro... it has been a hard day...

Thank you,

I would also like to wait for my kids to leave the house, but my youngest is only 3...
I am now doing counseling.
Now, the other thing is,
Since he also told me he had been contemplating to file for divorce, it feels like I might not have time to get myself together before it happens. Every time that there is an argument I feel like, " this is it, he is going to say the words".

The lack of intimacy and the neglect was only the start. Now the whole house is on fire.

Thank you for your advice.

While preparing for divorce isn't a bad thing, (it can be invigorating to have the exit plan ready, even if you choose not to take it), your situation is slightly different to more common scenarios and there may be more options to mull over.

He has raised the option of divorce, you're open to the idea of leaving.
Neither of you seems to have screamed it in anger (not that you've said.)

A rational discussion about negotiating your relationship may be possible.
What purpose does divorce serve for him? 
So far, you seem to say it allows you to seek a close companionship with someone else, having attempted to forge a stronger bond with your husband and hitting brick walls. Are there other reasons to skedaddle?

"Never going to be happy again"? Stupid thing to say? Sad, definitely. Stupid? Hardly. You feel what you feel. It's subjective and it's not stupid to not want to feel as though it's permanent. That kind of life is what prison is for. 

The grind and muddling through is super common. In some cases it never gets bad enough to leave. Some are stuck for practical reasons, often financial.

Some questions for you:
What are the arguments about? The relationship, everyday life? Just bickering about everything?

Do you have an idea whether your husband may have outlets? An affair? Extensive use of porn and "self-love"?

Do you think it possible to agree to live in the house with him platonically as co-parents even if you did divorce? Kind of like "bird-nesting" but separate rooms instead of an apartment. Deliberately living sexless rather than intending for it to change (this would be you.)

If he plans to stay celibate, and he's been in a sexless relationship before, staying married in this one may be as good as it gets and he lives with his kids. Maybe that's important to him. It may be the reason he doesn't divorce. If that path is easy, why go through with it?

He doesn't want sex, he says. Too tired. Or...whatever. (you may hear about "why chasing" if you wander around ILIASM for long)
Is he dead set against the idea of you getting intimate companionship elsewhere? Does he insist you be celibate or he'll torch the marriage and family home?
Or perhaps you cannot see yourself living apart from your lover. (some ILIASM members are in that school. They need the whole package.) Extramarital love can endanger the family home, even if you negotiated the arrangement; the heart is sometimes unwilling to stay in the passenger seat, despite being pass-out drunk.