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Post by ocleftwinger on Dec 4, 2016 21:22:47 GMT -5
ocleftwinger You sound like such a lovely, thoughtful person. Just wondering if your wife has spoken to her doctor about her lagging libido? There are many remedies for unbalanced or lacking hormones. This is true for both men and women. Just a thought, maybe she could try hormone replacement therapy. We have been down that path already. Hormone therapy is too risky.
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Post by southerngirl on Dec 7, 2016 14:14:27 GMT -5
Hey ya'll. Found this place last night and have literally spent hours reading. I've been in a sexless marriage for 3-4 yrs, bad sex before that, but there hasn't been intimacy in much, much longer - actually never. Not with him. I'm actually the refuser. I refuse to have bad, obligatory sex just to keep him thinking this marriage is ok. It isn't. There are substance abuse issues that keep him in a zombie state and intimacy isn't even an option. I'm not ready to tell my whole story, but don't want to be a lurker, either. I also don't want a lot of advice on that issue - been going down this road over twenty years and I don't need the support for that so much as I need to be understood when I say I'm lonely, I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I'm angry....... It's my choice to stay, but staying is hard. (yes I have a therapist, an al-anon group, celebrate recovery - all a part of my life. Not his, but mine) I don't plan to stay forever.
Last night I went to a concert. Alone. I'm into classical choral and orchestral music. At one point early in the concert I teared up and realized that good music is as close as I get to good sex. I had an emotional orgasm and just sat there and cried, feeling alone, empty, and overwhelmed with grief. I sat there thinking - this is my sex. And it was so - pathetic.
Sigh
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 7, 2016 14:27:38 GMT -5
Hey ya'll. Found this place last night and have literally spent hours reading. I've been in a sexless marriage for 3-4 yrs, bad sex before that, but there hasn't been intimacy in much, much longer - actually never. Not with him. I'm actually the refuser. I refuse to have bad, obligatory sex just to keep him thinking this marriage is ok. It isn't. There are substance abuse issues that keep him in a zombie state and intimacy isn't even an option. I'm not ready to tell my whole story, but don't want to be a lurker, either. I also don't want a lot of advice on that issue - been going down this road over twenty years and I don't need the support for that so much as I need to be understood when I say I'm lonely, I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I'm angry....... It's my choice to stay, but staying is hard. (yes I have a therapist, an al-anon group, celebrate recovery - all a part of my life. Not his, but mine) I don't plan to stay forever. Last night I went to a concert. Alone. I'm into classical choral and orchestral music. At one point early in the concert I teared up and realized that good music is as close as I get to good sex. I had an emotional orgasm and just sat there and cried, feeling alone, empty, and overwhelmed with grief. I sat there thinking - this is my sex. And it was so - pathetic. Sigh Welcome and I'm sorry you have found yourself here but you are in good company with great support. Read a lot and get whatever will help you out of it. It's not all serious either, we can be a fun, silly bunch and the best is when we get naughty. Again Welcome!
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Post by obobfla on Dec 7, 2016 20:18:14 GMT -5
ocleftwinger, sorry for your troubles. I am in the same boat, taking care of a sick wife who lost her sexual desire. I can't leave her, because she can't take care of herself right now. I get by with an occasional affair. Wish I could say that I am not resentful, because I am. She could do more for me. If you can find a FWB who is agreeable, count your blessings. I have a hard time finding a FWB. It seems that the only women who will consider me are those that are after my money. I had someone approach me on Ashley Madison who seemed too good to be true. She was. After chatting, she asked me to send me money. I told her I would take her out and buy her breakfast - with the main course being Nut'n Honey. Yes, you may have your heart broken, but for me the affairs are worth it. I have met and loved women I will never forget and had fun times I will cherish for the rest of my life. It's worth the hurt.
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Post by obobfla on Dec 7, 2016 20:26:58 GMT -5
Hey ya'll. Found this place last night and have literally spent hours reading. I've been in a sexless marriage for 3-4 yrs, bad sex before that, but there hasn't been intimacy in much, much longer - actually never. Not with him. I'm actually the refuser. I refuse to have bad, obligatory sex just to keep him thinking this marriage is ok. It isn't. There are substance abuse issues that keep him in a zombie state and intimacy isn't even an option. I'm not ready to tell my whole story, but don't want to be a lurker, either. I also don't want a lot of advice on that issue - been going down this road over twenty years and I don't need the support for that so much as I need to be understood when I say I'm lonely, I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I'm angry....... It's my choice to stay, but staying is hard. (yes I have a therapist, an al-anon group, celebrate recovery - all a part of my life. Not his, but mine) I don't plan to stay forever. Last night I went to a concert. Alone. I'm into classical choral and orchestral music. At one point early in the concert I teared up and realized that good music is as close as I get to good sex. I had an emotional orgasm and just sat there and cried, feeling alone, empty, and overwhelmed with grief. I sat there thinking - this is my sex. And it was so - pathetic. Sigh Hey southerngirl! Glad you could make it here. Also happy that you have found recovery groups other than this one. I'm a 12-stepper myself, and it has helped me cope with my sexless marriage. I have been learning to let go and take care of myself. You deserve someone to play some nice romantic classical music for you. Something like this:
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Post by southerngirl on Dec 7, 2016 20:40:37 GMT -5
Dang, Mr Fla. That was great. Now I need a cigarette. And I'm not a smoker. Yep. That sure does it for me. Every time.
~ Deep satisfied sigh ~
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Post by Lithium92 on Dec 11, 2016 15:29:06 GMT -5
Another husband in a medically caused SM here and roughly at the same emotional point as OC. I know how you're feeling, complicated, and maybe a tinge of guilt at feeling no guilt over any outsourcing.
Smartkat is right though. In the end, if our partners really wanted to help out, they'd find a way. Our sex life has been non existent - way less than 10 times a year - for years and I've forced it as an issue for the last three. She hasn't managed to changed at all, which I had put down to the competing demands of her chronic illness (lupus). Except for... in the last couple of weeks we've had an unrelated big issue to deal with, and she's been amazing, pushing through her pain and tiredness. She's been a fantastic wife over it.
That's great, except it's shown me she can do it if she wants to, which means she just doesn't want to address the sex problem and to an extent the illness is a cover. And that led me to really 'get' for the first time that now, my sex life is none of her business any more. She's opted out. I understand why, and I'm sympathetic, but she's chosen not to engage, and in turn I get to choose what I do about sex. It's a different situation than if we were both victims of her condition.
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harveyspecter
New Member
Once a guy who had a lot to say and little to learn. Now has a lot to learn and little to say.
Posts: 9
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Post by harveyspecter on Dec 14, 2016 17:54:44 GMT -5
Hello. I'm Harvey. I used to have a lot to say on the Experience Project site. Towards the waning days of that site I felt like I had less and less to say. I didn't follow the crowd this way. Not sure why.
I'm bossy and I think I'm a lot more interesting than I am. But don't worry, you'll find me fascinating. Or I'll believe you find me fascinating, which is just as good. For those who don't know me or forgot me (is that really possible? C'mon now!) I live in a sexless marriage. It's not completely sexless but we have been at less than 5 times a year for probably a decade. I have no interest in divorce. I have three young children and I get the only fulfillment of my life from them. Well, that and flirting with women on the elevator.
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 14, 2016 18:01:05 GMT -5
Hello. I'm Harvey. I used to have a lot to say on the Experience Project site. Towards the waning days of that site I felt like I had less and less to say. I didn't follow the crowd this way. Not sure why.
I'm bossy and I think I'm a lot more interesting than I am. But don't worry, you'll find my fascinating. Or I'll believe you find my fascinating, which is just as good. For those who don't know me or forgot me (is that really possible? C'mon now!) I live in a sexless marriage. It's not completely sexless but we have been at less than 5 times a year for probably a decade. I have no interest in divorce. I have three young children and I get the only fulfillment of my life from them. Well, that and flirting with women on the elevator.
Impossible to forget you and I barely knew you. Welcome back and enjoy!
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Post by petrushka on Dec 15, 2016 7:15:05 GMT -5
Certainly remember the name No elevators around here, to be flirting in {sighs theatrically}
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Post by happiness2016 on Dec 15, 2016 22:34:58 GMT -5
For the past 18 years I thought I was the only one on Earth that had this situation. I recently discovered the book Celibate Wives, Breaking the Silence. I was even more amazed to find this book was published in 1992! It was through this book that I had the insight to search for this forum. Thank you for being here. But now that I found this site I don't know what words to use. I'm at the same time overcome with grief and comfort. This may be hodgepodge, but I don't know how else to start out. I'll be 68 in January. And I know one thing, I don't want to live my next 20 years like I've lived my last 20 years. This man and I are not married. He is 10 years older than I am, and in excellent physical health. You would never know his age to look at him. Which is why when we first started dating I thought we would be very compatible for a very long time. We did have sex when we first started dating . Of course, not as often as I would have liked but still it was an intimate relationship. Then within a year it had died. We've only dated exclusively. He lives 5 miles from my home. He lives in his house and sleeps in his own bed. I live in my house and sleep alone. He does not want anything to do with me sexually. As long as I pretend I don't exist as a woman but just as a friend especially out in public then everything is good. But like I said I've known him for the past 20 years. His grandchildren are mine just like mine or his. I love his children as mine just as he does mine. And quite frankly I've stayed because of the children and how much I loved his brothers and sisters. I know for the past 5 years I felt I'm no more than a babysitter for him, he is, of course older which means he can't hear or see and I'm expected to do those things for him. Also he doesn't have any money. So I paid my half of everything we've ever done including the things that he wants to do just so he doesn't have to pay full price. I want to leave, but I feel if I leave then everyone will just see me as someone who just gave up on him. Because nobody else knows about this but me! They don't know the loneliness of not being intimate with somebody. Of being a woman and not have a man just want to hold you in his arms or being there next you to cuddle, just to be together. They don't know...
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 15, 2016 23:12:48 GMT -5
happiness2016 - As we say, welcome to the club nobody wants to join. We're sad you're here but glad you found us. Hopefully you'll find some comfort and a good sounding board here. I'm hardly in a position to offer you sage advice, but I'll share a couple of thoughts... First, I'm sure you realize that it won't get any easier to separate - as good as his health is, it's destined to decline one day and that will lead to more guilt about leaving. Second, if he isn't interested in you intimately, then would he be that distraught about you finding someone else? Is there a prospect of remaining friends socially, albeit more distantly? That seems to be his only interest. Certainly the fact that you aren't married, don't live together, and presumably haven't co-mingled finances makes the logistics of separating far easier. Not that social ties are anything to sneeze at, but that's more about what other people will think - unless you're prepared to drag the sexlessness into the harsh public light, people are going to form their own ill-informed opinions regardless. He could be physically abusing you, for all they know - the "why" is none of their business, but that means you need to be confident enough in yourself to ignore their ignorant opinions.
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Post by baza on Dec 15, 2016 23:16:35 GMT -5
These things are never "simple", but as far as the situation you describe, your situation is as simple as it ever gets in this group. (a) - you are not married, and your finances are (presumably) not intermingled. (b) - you do not live together, and in fact have your own abodes. (c) - there are no blood children. - On the upside, you have (apparently) good relationships with his kids and grandkids, and if those relationships are sound, there'd be no reason why they couldn't continue whether you remain his girlfriend or whether you don't. - You would be - and are - quite entitled to redefine this relationship whenever you like. You are not compelled to continue your role as his exclusive girlfriend. It is entirely your choice what you do. - In regard to these people who you fear - "will just see me as someone who just gave up on him" - you may be right, or you may be wrong. Other people do NOT think about us anywhere near as much as we think they do. It is just as likely that people will be thinking - "I wonder how she put up with this user for as long as she did". Whichever line these "people " choose to take (for you or agin you) they won't be spending all their waking hours on the subject. The time they devote to thinking about your problems you'd be able to measure in minutes. They are far more concerned about their own problems. - Either way, "people" will have their opinions, and they are well entitled to them. But they do NOT get a vote in how you conduct your life or the choices you make.
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Post by whuffo on Dec 16, 2016 16:34:53 GMT -5
Hello folks. Long time listener, first time caller. Not really, I'm just another bumbling SM victim who recently stumbled on this forum when I did a search for "women who use sex as a weapon". I started reading and was happy to find a place to call home, yet disturbed to realize how rampant this issue really is. So after coming across all your words I signed up for it because I feel I'll fit right in with you merry bunch of celibates. So. To introduce myself, my name is Whuffo (name changed to protect the innocent), and I'm an alcoholic. Wait, wrong site... No, okay, wait, where am I again??? Sorry, I'm a bit distracted, I've had sex on the brain non-stop since I haven't had any since last January. But that was the best 3 minutes I can remember from 2016. Oh yes, I remember where I'm at now... Back to my intro. I've been married now for 8 years and fitting the definition, as you all have so graciously described in various posts, of a SM. I fell victim to a controlling, manipulative woman and I don't know how and now I'm in the middle of a full-blown (or never, depending on your line of thinking) SM... Help
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 16, 2016 16:39:15 GMT -5
Hello folks. Long time listener, first time caller. Not really, I'm just another bumbling SM victim who recently stumbled on this forum when I did a search for "women who use sex as a weapon". I started reading and was happy to find a place to call home, yet disturbed to realize how rampant this issue really is. So after coming across all your words I signed up for it because I feel I'll fit right in with you merry bunch of celibates. So. To introduce myself, my name is Whuffo (name changed to protect the innocent), and I'm an alcoholic. Wait, wrong site... No, okay, wait, where am I again??? Sorry, I'm a bit distracted, I've had sex on the brain non-stop since I haven't had any since last January. But that was the best 3 minutes I can remember from 2016. Oh yes, I remember where I'm at now... Back to my intro. I've been married now for 8 years and fitting the definition, as you all have so graciously described in various posts, of a SM. I fell victim to a controlling, manipulative woman and I don't know how and now I'm in the middle of a full-blown (or never, depending on your line of thinking) SM... Help Welcome! You are lucky you found this place with only 8 years in. Do a lot of reading. We are a fun group and very supportive.
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