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Post by beachguy on Dec 31, 2016 12:01:06 GMT -5
Hello, greetings from the UK - I hope it is OK to post from the UK?!? Anyway, thank you so much for this amazing forum - like many others I have repeatedly googled 'sexless marriage' and this appeared. It is scary but reassuring to read all the posts on here - scary as it does not sound like things will change but reassuring to know I'm not alone. Maybe I'm not the fat ugly troll I think I am! So my story is that I have been married to my husband for 16 years, dating for 23 years. I am his first partner, I had a couple of others before him. We are soulmates and very well matched, HOWEVER, as so many of you have said, the only thing that is missing is intimacy. I say that rather than sex, as both are connected and it's the lack of intimacy that bothers me more than sex. I feel we are room-mates and that I have never had that 'spark' back from him. I am incredibly attracted to him, but he just doesn't seem bothered. He HATES kissing - has never 'properly' kissed me - it grosses him out. It feels like everything is on his terms. over the years, if he wants sex then it happens, but if I initiate then I am rejected. If I try to go in for a kiss, he will back off. It feels like he is cuddling his Mum/a friend when he cuddles. I think he just needs someone to look after him and be with like a mum I suppose. We have tried separating, about 4 years ago - his doing, as he had an 'emotional affair' with someone, which I discovered on Xmas day. I was devastated as I thought one day he would suddenly lose his inhibitions and be intimate properly. I went through hell for a few months (I am prone to depression) but got to the point of accepting a split, but somehow he persuaded me to stay together for the kids (age 14 and 11 now) sake. I really thought he would make the effort, but nothing. It's always me trying to 'solve' the problem, but what I feel is worthless/fat/ugly/hideous and a total loser. I mean if my own husband can't bring himself to kiss me I must be bad. I have wondered about Asperger's syndrome (my eldest son has a diagnosis) - that's the only way I can 'explain' it to myself and stay patient. However, what has led me to this is that I am feeling more and more depressed and lonely. ANd angry - I mean, why won't he just bloody well let his barriers down? And why won't he at least do the decency of talking properly to me about it? I'm always fobbed off by 'well I was tired/had a headache/we are in our 40s, no-one has sex any more' type answers. What I feel is that I am too unattractive to leave, no-one else will want me and I should look after him as per our wedding vows. Phew, sorry I didn't expect all that to pour out! I think I just want to be loved by someone and it makes me sad that I am 44 and stuck..... Welcome to the club! Feeling 'worthless/fat/ugly/hideous and a total loser' is pretty much par for the course around here - that is what years of sexless marriage does to you. Luckily it almost certainly has no basis whatsoever in reality  The truth is, it is nothing to do with YOU and is all about him. Can I ask an awkward question? If you have never really had a good intimate relationship, what is it that makes you feel you are soulmates? And if he had an emotional affair with someone else but can't manage it with you, what does that mean? I guess you probably get on very well and manage your house very well and look after your kids very well and agree on lots of things (as long as you are willing to be reasonably flexible...). But you are clearly somebody who needs a deep emotional connection in your life and needs a fulfilling and ongoing sex life. If he doesn't want to give you that, and doesn't care that you don't have it, then I suspect he doesn't really 'get' you at all. Sorry if that was blunt, it is NY and I have probably had too much wine. But over and over again I see people (including me) feeling like they are soulmates with somebody who just doesn't experience life on the same level or in the same way that we do. And I wonder how much of it is our own projection rather than anything the other person actually has to offer. , that was very well said. |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 31, 2016 13:59:01 GMT -5
richfairy72 , as far as your desirability, as a man I can tell that if your H has a normal sexuality, and he always found that simply french kissing you to be "gross", then he would have never even dated you. Normally sexual men simply do not date women, much less marry them, if they do not find them attractive enough to kiss. However, men with sexual or intimacy problems will do that, and in that case the whole idea of "attractiveness" becomes a very gray area that us normal people should not try to figure out. Because we can't. Just to say that the WHY does not really matter because whatever it is, it is fundamental to his nature. This is not about you or your desirability, that is certain from your short description of your early relationship. And that should simplify things. You are not going to fix him. He is not going to fix him, and likely he could not if he wanted to. You have only one decision to contemplate: can you live with this for the rest of your life? It really is that simple and no simpler. The fact that he had an emotional affair of some sort does not change anything I said. I would strongly advise you not to think too hard about that.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2016 15:24:06 GMT -5
Hello, everyone! I've been lurking (but not in a creepy way) for 6 1/2 months. Finally decided to participate in the club that no one wants to join. I've done quite a bit of reading and have learned a lot from the shared experiences of others. ILIASM has been a good source of support (even as a lurker) and I have no doubt that it will be an even better source of support as a participator.
In a nutshell, I've been married since '91. I've known her since '85. Although she's never been a refuser, I've come to realize that she's asexual. She has come to that realization herself. If I don't initiate anything, nothing happens. She essentially expresses no interest in sex, and intimacy is limited to the occasional hug and closed lip kiss. I've expressed to her that I love and appreciate my family, and have no plans of leaving; but that it's become very unhealthy for me to be in a situation where the desire for sex and intimacy is one-sided. She's a very good and caring person, but I need much more from her than she's capable of sharing with me. It's something that she's fully aware of and willing to compromise with me about.
Anyway, I wish a healthy and happy new year for all the members of ILIASM!
BH
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Post by nancyb on Dec 31, 2016 17:24:34 GMT -5
"Sorry if that was blunt, it is NY and I have probably had too much wine. But over and over again I see people (including me) feeling like they are soulmates with somebody who just doesn't experience life on the same level or in the same way that we do. And I wonder how much of it is our own projection rather than anything the other person actually has to offer."
I see myself in your questioning. I always thought my refuser was my soul mate too however I have come to the realization that most of what I found attractive are projected traits I, in fact, own in spades.
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 31, 2016 17:25:10 GMT -5
richfairy72, your story strikes a chord, right down to the Asperger, kissing, initiating. It's a tough thing to cope with. I'm 25+ years in.
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Post by nancyb on Dec 31, 2016 17:28:26 GMT -5
unmatched: Having withdrawn and reclaimed my projections allows me to see things as they stand. Truthfully. It has not been pretty for either of us but it sure as hell is a lot more honest. We are still divorcing but we are doing so consciously if that makes any sense.
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Post by Lithium92 on Dec 31, 2016 18:07:48 GMT -5
Hello, greetings from the UK - I hope it is OK to post from the UK?!? Anyway, thank you so much for this amazing forum - like many others I have repeatedly googled 'sexless marriage' and this appeared. It is scary but reassuring to read all the posts on here - scary as it does not sound like things will change but reassuring to know I'm not alone. Maybe I'm not the fat ugly troll I think I am! So my story is that I have been married to my husband for 16 years, dating for 23 years. I am his first partner, I had a couple of others before him. We are soulmates and very well matched, HOWEVER, as so many of you have said, the only thing that is missing is intimacy. I say that rather than sex, as both are connected and it's the lack of intimacy that bothers me more than sex. I feel we are room-mates and that I have never had that 'spark' back from him. I am incredibly attracted to him, but he just doesn't seem bothered. He HATES kissing - has never 'properly' kissed me - it grosses him out. It feels like everything is on his terms. over the years, if he wants sex then it happens, but if I initiate then I am rejected. If I try to go in for a kiss, he will back off. It feels like he is cuddling his Mum/a friend when he cuddles. I think he just needs someone to look after him and be with like a mum I suppose. We have tried separating, about 4 years ago - his doing, as he had an 'emotional affair' with someone, which I discovered on Xmas day. I was devastated as I thought one day he would suddenly lose his inhibitions and be intimate properly. I went through hell for a few months (I am prone to depression) but got to the point of accepting a split, but somehow he persuaded me to stay together for the kids (age 14 and 11 now) sake. I really thought he would make the effort, but nothing. It's always me trying to 'solve' the problem, but what I feel is worthless/fat/ugly/hideous and a total loser. I mean if my own husband can't bring himself to kiss me I must be bad. I have wondered about Asperger's syndrome (my eldest son has a diagnosis) - that's the only way I can 'explain' it to myself and stay patient. However, what has led me to this is that I am feeling more and more depressed and lonely. ANd angry - I mean, why won't he just bloody well let his barriers down? And why won't he at least do the decency of talking properly to me about it? I'm always fobbed off by 'well I was tired/had a headache/we are in our 40s, no-one has sex any more' type answers. What I feel is that I am too unattractive to leave, no-one else will want me and I should look after him as per our wedding vows. Phew, sorry I didn't expect all that to pour out! I think I just want to be loved by someone and it makes me sad that I am 44 and stuck..... Comparative newbie here, and getting increasingly persuaded my wife has Aspergers too and can identify with pretty much everything you say. There's a really good website called Different Together for partners of Aspies that I've found really helpful. You probably know way more than me about it but I've been surprised by how complicated and subtlely it can play out in adults. Feel free to PM me if you want. |
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Post by irishjohn on Jan 1, 2017 17:48:37 GMT -5
Hi all.
Irish guy here.. married 14 years & have a six year old daughter.
In the past 8 years I've had sex 3 times, Sept 09, Aug 11 and Nov 14. I'm so hurt, upset, angry, resentful etc..
My wife absolutely refuses to either discuss or acknowledge the problem.
I'd never leave as I love my daughter more than life itself
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 1, 2017 18:11:43 GMT -5
richfairy72 , your story strikes a chord, right down to the Asperger, kissing, initiating. It's a tough thing to cope with. I'm 25+ years in. Thanks, it's good to know I'm not going mad!!! |
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 1, 2017 18:19:10 GMT -5
Hello, greetings from the UK - I hope it is OK to post from the UK?!? Anyway, thank you so much for this amazing forum - like many others I have repeatedly googled 'sexless marriage' and this appeared. It is scary but reassuring to read all the posts on here - scary as it does not sound like things will change but reassuring to know I'm not alone. Maybe I'm not the fat ugly troll I think I am! So my story is that I have been married to my husband for 16 years, dating for 23 years. I am his first partner, I had a couple of others before him. We are soulmates and very well matched, HOWEVER, as so many of you have said, the only thing that is missing is intimacy. I say that rather than sex, as both are connected and it's the lack of intimacy that bothers me more than sex. I feel we are room-mates and that I have never had that 'spark' back from him. I am incredibly attracted to him, but he just doesn't seem bothered. He HATES kissing - has never 'properly' kissed me - it grosses him out. It feels like everything is on his terms. over the years, if he wants sex then it happens, but if I initiate then I am rejected. If I try to go in for a kiss, he will back off. It feels like he is cuddling his Mum/a friend when he cuddles. I think he just needs someone to look after him and be with like a mum I suppose. We have tried separating, about 4 years ago - his doing, as he had an 'emotional affair' with someone, which I discovered on Xmas day. I was devastated as I thought one day he would suddenly lose his inhibitions and be intimate properly. I went through hell for a few months (I am prone to depression) but got to the point of accepting a split, but somehow he persuaded me to stay together for the kids (age 14 and 11 now) sake. I really thought he would make the effort, but nothing. It's always me trying to 'solve' the problem, but what I feel is worthless/fat/ugly/hideous and a total loser. I mean if my own husband can't bring himself to kiss me I must be bad. I have wondered about Asperger's syndrome (my eldest son has a diagnosis) - that's the only way I can 'explain' it to myself and stay patient. However, what has led me to this is that I am feeling more and more depressed and lonely. ANd angry - I mean, why won't he just bloody well let his barriers down? And why won't he at least do the decency of talking properly to me about it? I'm always fobbed off by 'well I was tired/had a headache/we are in our 40s, no-one has sex any more' type answers. What I feel is that I am too unattractive to leave, no-one else will want me and I should look after him as per our wedding vows. Phew, sorry I didn't expect all that to pour out! I think I just want to be loved by someone and it makes me sad that I am 44 and stuck..... Welcome to the club! Feeling 'worthless/fat/ugly/hideous and a total loser' is pretty much par for the course around here - that is what years of sexless marriage does to you. Luckily it almost certainly has no basis whatsoever in reality The truth is, it is nothing to do with YOU and is all about him. Can I ask an awkward question? If you have never really had a good intimate relationship, what is it that makes you feel you are soulmates? And if he had an emotional affair with someone else but can't manage it with you, what does that mean? I guess you probably get on very well and manage your house very well and look after your kids very well and agree on lots of things (as long as you are willing to be reasonably flexible...). But you are clearly somebody who needs a deep emotional connection in your life and needs a fulfilling and ongoing sex life. If he doesn't want to give you that, and doesn't care that you don't have it, then I suspect he doesn't really 'get' you at all. Sorry if that was blunt, it is NY and I have probably had too much wine. But over and over again I see people (including me) feeling like they are soulmates with somebody who just doesn't experience life on the same level or in the same way that we do. And I wonder how much of it is our own projection rather than anything the other person actually has to offer. |
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Post by richfairy72 on Jan 1, 2017 18:21:24 GMT -5
Wow - you have hit the nail on the head! Not too blunt just honest. I don't think he does 'get' me at all. And brilliant insight into my life! I feel like I have finally found people who UNDERSTAND!!
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The truth is, it is nothing to do with YOU and is all about him.
